My Life is JINXED!

As I left work today I was not looking forward to the drive home and the knowledge that Bern was only going to get home much later was not one I relished. I do not do the empty house thing very well.

The journey was full of its normal near death experiences with our wonderful and oh so courteous Taxi Drivers. I swear they would teach even the most seasoned New York Taxi driver a thing or two.

Traffic lights are not to be obeyed. A four way stop is something the system invented to allow them free reign of the roads. And you daren’t show anger or mouth swear words as you have learnt from past experience that these drivers are equipped with weapons of mass destruction. It is like going to those carnivals where things jump out at you and no warnings given and scare the living day lights out of you. This reminds me of the joke which I am sure we have all heard.

The local vicar arrives at the pearly gates and is met by Saint Peter. He looks in the book of life, welcomes the vicar and tells him to proceed to the hall of gifts.

He looks around in sheer joy at the sight that is before him. People dressed in wonderful robes and are adorned with wonderful jewelry; however there are also quite a few who are dressed in plain outfits with little or no accessories. He is led to a table with the drab robes and plain shoes and has a small selection of jewelry to choose from.

The vicar is a little taken aback and although he never had these treasures on earth he did feel a little upset as he was promised great riches in the hereafter.

He approached Saint Peter and asked why there were different robes and jewelry in heaven as he thought everyone was equal. To which the Ark Angel replied.

When you preached, your congregation hardly paid attention and their prayers were half hearted. Most of your congregation slept during your sermons. So the vicar had to agree that yes his sermons were not always so entertaining. He pointed to a man who was wearing the most magnificent robes, was adorned is so much jewelry he look radiant. So the vicar turned to Saint Peter, and asked him if that gentleman was a preacher or minister or some missionary in Africa.

To which Saint Peter shook his head. He said no, the gentleman concerned drove a Taxi in South Africa, and the vicar couldn’t believe his ears!!! And how does this qualify him for such blessings the vicar asked outraged.

Saint Peter replied. No one dared to sleep while he performed his job and the prayers could be heard throughout the heavens and they were shouted with such raw emotion and sincerity. He reached a lot more people with his driving skills than you did with your boring sermons.

This brings me back to my trip home, which other than dodging the taxis as you would at a carnival in the dodge-em-cars, was quite uneventful. The life of a South African driver!

I get home, open the electric gates make sure the dogs are out of the way and that Lady Jinx is nowhere near as she tends to run out into the road as soon as the gate is opened. This was not going to be as bad as I anticipated I tell myself. Bern is working, I am not returning to a dark house and Jinx seems to be in the other part of the garden out of danger.

I park the car, making sure not to drive over the precious animals. Climb out the car, grab my hand bag, the makeup bag I took to work, and lean in the back to grab the lap top.

I Have the balancing act down pat until JINX arrives to greet me. My car keys go flying, which she decides is a new game of fetch. Oh she loves fetch; she tries to help me put my socks on when I decide to wear them. Takes them off me and runs away to return with them all soggy and then she wants me to throw them for her.

So I juggle the bag, the lap top and make-up bag which holds my hair dryer too and various brushes required by the hairdressers’ law to get that sleek shiny controllable look.

I think I am pulling off the balancing act rather well and am dancing around the animals and telling them to behave when the most embarrassing thing happens. My trousers begin to slip down because …… drum roll…JINX decided to jump up on me and got her foot hooked in my pocket.

So I have no free hands, it’s a free for all with the dogs now and I feel my trousers slipping. Do I put down the lap top or the hand bag, NO I decide if I walk quick enough I will be at the security gate with more than enough time to open the gate after unlocking the safety lock and let the dogs inside before I have to deposit the lap top and bag and make up bag on the kitchen table, fix my falling trousers and then scoot down the passage to switch off the alarm.

Alas this is not to be. I am opening the lock and gravity wins. My trousers slip right off to the knees. My lily white legs are exposed. I drop my bag to grab my trousers but not before Madam Jinx decides it’s a good idea to lick my thigh just below my shirt which is the only thing hiding my BUTT!

I only hope that I did not have a peeping neighbour to witness this moment in the life of Madness as I jumped around while pulling up my trousers with no grace whatsoever I seem to be playing a leading role in!