STATIONERY REQUEST - WHO KNEW IT WOULD BE SUCH A DISASTER

Who would have thought that placing a simple order for paper for the printer would land up being so difficult



Step 1. Phone Head office and request paper to be sent

Step 2. Wait for paper…………

Ummmm not so simple actually



Step 1. Ask head office for paper

Step 2. Be told I need to put request in writing for authorization

Step 3. Send the Mail….

Well there you have it

NOT……………………………

1. I place “RODER FOR PAPER”

2. Bern sees my Mistake and replies to my mail (REPLY TO ALL) “ And while Michelle wants to RODER paper, I would like to place an ORDER for paper.” (she has this beady eye and picks up my mistakes after I have pressed send!!!) need to get her to proof read my mails

3. I see Bern collapsed at her computer pissing herself laughing – and of course I want to know what is so funny

4. I read Bern’s response and I decide ever so cleverly to fix my mail and re send it

5. PLEASE CAN WE ODER PAPER FROM FORMAX

6. Stupidly just presses send. I think I am real smart and tactfully says nothing more – all chuffed with myself for correcting the mail

7. Elize in Cape Town responds “Formax don’t smell too bad but I am sure they will accept an ORDER!!

8. Bern reads my mail responds REPLY TO ALL AGAIN – now hanging onto her desk for strength “OMG! What am I going to do with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

9. I get all embarrassed but decide what the hell… let me show how funny I am very careful to spell correctly : New version of paper…. Get with the programme you two. So you think you are both so *&*^ing clever

10. adding: “Elize…. You did accuse us of using it as toilet paper. Bern just told me I am a real ass

Elize replies” Go Bern……. Now can you please stick to the regular 1-ply crappy stuff for your bums!!! Sell her to the Carny folk!!!

So we think this all over and done with and I decide that I am not going to send the mail to Nadia as instructed to do by Elize so Bern sends the mail:

“Hi Natalie

Please can you arrange for an order for a box of paper for ACT Durban”

11. Mail from Elize: You okes are hilarious!!!! Whose Natalie??? LMAO

12. Bern sees what she has done and mails “OOOOOOO MMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s contagious!

13. Elize is now unable to type work, answer the phone and is barely able to respond – but somehow she find the super human strength to respond “My thoughts exactly!! I hope I can’t catch it thru email!!

14. Bern realizes what she has done. She pushes her chair away from the desk. Looks at me with tears streaming down her face now – I can see she is just about to pee her pants with the sheer ridiculous nature of what started out at a simple task of order paper – she plonks herself down in the chair – out of breathe unable to tell me why she is laughing. Its turned into hiccups laughs now – and she bashes this out on her keys…”Sorry Nadia!!!!!! I am not having a very clear minded day here!”

15. Bern then decided it was best to leave the office as I could not stop laughing.

We hope Natalie / Nadia processes our Order! We really do need paper and I am most definitely not going to ask Head Office again.

My computer bleeps at me and it’s a Skype from Elize…………………………..so I respond

Skype

• Michelle : HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

• Michelle: my stomach is sore from laughing. Hi Natalie....... oh dear! it’s funny

• Elize: I am giggling myself stupid here.......

• Elize: I can't figure out who is more blonde today

• Elize Natalie???

• Elize : WTF????

• Michelle: exactly. and I said "Bern you better place the ORDER because I just seem to screw it up...."

• Michelle: I collapsed on the floor. wouldn’t think we are professional and efficient and all that. boy we do have some damn good laughs though.

• Elize: I'm starting to wonder if I should ask you two peanuts to do simple things like oder/roder OR order paper from Nadia / Natalie (for short)

• Elize: My I should ORDER paper from NADIA in future

My obvious response to this comment is.. well that is what I tried to do earlier!!

Durban Freight Procedures -& working with Cats

Bern has been handling freight for quite a few years now. She has worked under extreme pressure and difficult work environments. But her experience in Durban has been different t to say the least.



Bern’s evening operational procedure.

1. Remove cat from out bound box where the waybills are kept for capturing

2. Make sure all documents still intact without shredded/ chewed/ paper

3. Remove cat from box again

4. Go to medicine cabinet to get plaster for ripped hand

5. Re-print all complaint sheets, which we attach to deliveries destined for the customer care company we handle collection on behalf of

6. Remove cat again.

7. Shriek uncontrollably as cat is now ripping Bern’s arm apart

8. Quick trip to after hour’s medical centre – R350 later and pain pills from chemist extra R120.00

9. Walk in and gingerly look at cat – make sure to keep her distance. Reach out and gently tip cat out of out bound freight box…….

10. Say .... F... it you can have the bloody out bound box...., - grab the waybills from the cat’s claws – waybills are now in tatters.

11. Try to work on Michelle’s computer, and reprint everything

12. Remove another cat from Michelle's chair

12. Get attacked for her efforts

13. Return trip to medical centre – stitches and strange looks from the medical staff.

14. Find an open off hours bottle store – buy as much southern comfort as your now empty wallet will allow- realize that a thimble full is all you have enough money for and settle for a free calendar they hand out. After all, you deserve something for the trip

15. Return home; almost forget to open the gate as she drives in to the driveway.

16. Only just remember to open the gate, cursing because she is sure she left the gate open for her speedy return

17. Walk into the house and comment that the gate was closed. Michelle reminds her that closing the gate is not an option for Safety in South Africa

18. Glare at the cat, and very quietly under breath swears obscenities…

19. Stand and capture with bandaged fingers with blood dripping on key board

20. Take a tranquilizer and just give up – shouting that the waybills can be sent to Cape Town without being captured and G help anyone who asks why there are no pre-alerts on the system.

21. Get ready for bed – all the cats follow……. Humph at the unfairness of it all. Reach for more pain pills and then have to give up the bed for 5 cats who rule!

The Journey to a sad Farewell

The Journey to a sad Farewell

This last weekend Bern and I went to Johannesburg to spend the weekend with my girls Cait and Sarah. Cait is leaving for Ireland today and it goes without saying that my heart is in tatters.



We left after work at about 17h30 to start the long 6 hour journey to Johannesburg and the traffic was not so bad. The company was good and for once, we had another cd to listen in the car. We have been listening to Mama Mia since July last year. Our friend Shania mistakenly swooped a cd we had with her Mama Mia cd. Now I do love the sound track and the movie, we even saw the live show, but really how many times can you listen to any one cd. The problem is the radio reception disappears in one part of the journey and this time we had the Carpenters to listen to. Now my friend Michelle would cringe at this confession. It turns out that only strange people can enjoy the beauty of the Carpenter's music.



Well eat your heart out Shell we sung along and listened to the double cd with glee and satisfaction. It was time for a coffee break and an evening take away. We stopped at one of the roadside garages and ordered a bacon and cheeseburger for me and our coffee and club sandwich for Bern. Oh what a mess, the club sandwich is not designed to eat while you drive! Believe me when I tell you Bern was bathed is source and trimmings and relish. By the end of the meal, she was wearing her club sandwich. I don’t know why she does not just throw her food onto her top before she starts to eat as she has an invisible “target” on her shirt that begs to be fed. We call it the curse of the “Brooks Family” as they all seem to do it.



As I was the food handler so to speak, my hands were also covered in this gooey mess as I handed the sandwich over to her. Why do they put so much relish and sauce on a damn take away? This I will never understand – and who really likes all that gunk I ask you?



Juggling the coffee, which is never cool enough to drink, Bern asks for head ache pills and as the coffee is too hot to drink pills with, she asks me to give her the coca cola. So like a good wife. I reach for the pills – pop them out the blister pack. Reach behind me to where the coke is resting in the juice holder. Smile at my wonderful Bern who is driving so responsibly and focused on the high way and this is what happened:

I open the coke; the lid shoots off the bottle from the pressure build up. As I sit there unable to do anything but feel and see the fountain of coke shoot out the bottle head, I am showered with cold sticky coke. It runs down my top past my stomach, deep into the valley of the rolls or lard, makes a quick detour into the belly button, snakes its way down into my lap and inevitably settles in between my legs as it pools into my sitting area.



Bern hears the whoosh, turns to look at me as I am staring at this exploding coke and tries to tell me she did not shake the coke bottle before she put it in the juice holder (ummmm now why did she feels she had to tell me that – is it because she did actually shake the bottle – knowing I would be the one who opens the damn thing? - makes you think doesn’t it.)



Well Bern nearly causes us to go off the road as she laughs uncontrollably as I glare at her and I am speechless as I feel the coke seep into my knickers and nether regions. This is not comfortable I have to tell you. I tell Bern to focus on the road and this of course has the opposite effect, as she cannot contain her laughter. Her eyes are almost shut as she screeches out with loud guffaws and I am sure this is our last few minutes on this earth.

We are in the middle of nowhere. We have just stopped at the closet garage and there is not one for many kilometers ahead of us. I look at Bern, take the damn headache pills myself, and searched for the lid to the coke. I cannot find it anywhere. Grappling around in the dark, feeling around the floor, while my butt is coated in coke. Its damn cold as we have hit the midlands and Bern has the air con on to keep her feeling alert. Not that she needed a wake up shake, the vision of me being washed with coke certainly did the trick. In desperation I look at the window on my side and decide I am just going to throw the offending coke away but Bern reminds me she needs head ache pills………….. Damn. I look in the back of the car, see an empty bottle of coke, and glare at it as if it’s the empty bottle fault. Rip not unscrew the lid off and cork the open coke which is now half-empty thanks to its sudden need to share. That song: “I would like to buy the world a coke and furnish it with love”… just does not cut it…… share your damn coke with someone else next time is my motto.



Bern is still laughing at me with such glee and enjoyment, I tell her it’s not funny and the more I try to admonish her the more she loses control of her giggle box and continues to laugh. I reach for the serviettes from our take away and dab the seat and show her how bloody drenched that area is. If I was expecting sympathy, I was sadly mistaken. All I got was an even louder expression of vibrating laughter. To say I was not impressed is putting it mildly. There were not enough serviettes to make any damage to this wet puddle that I was sitting in.



I grumbled and growled and coughed because I have the mother of all flues and my temperature was already high and now its degrees higher. I swear I am going to kill Bern before I die of sticky cold disgusting coke and I know this will give me pneumonia and I will sue coco cola I swear!

So there I sat, in a state of sticky uncomfortableness. Bern is trying to keep straight face – but she failed miserably. We eventually see another garage off the high way and Bern pulled in very quickly. The coke had stained my beige pants and it looked totally disgusting. Brown coke stain does not look like a coke stain on beige pants I have to tell you.



I genteelly walked to the ladies rest room, which Bern attempted to park as close to as possible. It was freezing outside and my bum muscles clenched without any effort on my part as the wind rushed through the thighs as I walked. Trust me when I tell you it is virtually impossible to walk in a lady like manner when you have coated your privates in coke.



We walked into the ladies room and went into the baby changing room. Only to discover there is no door on this room. Now I had a choice. I stand in the middle of the ladies rest room by the basin and do the cleaning up or I stand in the baby’s room with no damn door and do the cleaning up. I chose the latter. Did I mention it was bloody freezing? So I stripped down to just my bra. Bern had retrieved clothes from the suitcase for me to change into. I duly tried to clean myself with wet toilet paper only to land up with pieces of toilet paper stuck to my whoohoo and butt. Bern was guarding the door to limit the show I was performing for the arrivals in the ladies rest room. I was not impressed as I saw the wet bloody toilet paper sticking to me and just then, Bern turned around to see how I was doing. Well she literally collapsed when she saw the offending toilet paper so prettily sticking to my body and that was her finished. I looked like some damn science project made out of paper- mache. It would have been called “Fat ladies butt” made out of toilet paper!



In desperation and I do not know why I didn’t think of this first. I grabbed my t-shirt, doused it in water, washed the offensive toilet paper off, and cleaned the coke off as best I could in a not so lady like fashion while I bent and turned myself into a pretzel to ensure there was no coke residue left.



Bern was of no help whatsoever as I stood there butt naked trying to keep my dignity. Now this may sound like it took a long time and it sure felt like it took a long time, but we were in and out of there in less than 10 minutes. 10 minutes of absolute hell.



After putting a towel on my seat to soak up the coke that had sunk into the seat we continued our journey. We were on the road for maybe 5 mins when Bern sheepishly asked me if she could now have those headache pills she asked for AGES ago. I looked at her, handed her the coke bottle to open and banned coke for the car forever.



Well of course, I needed to share this with my girls and my son. Why I thought I would get sympathy is anyone’s guess. No all I got was text messages saying whaaaaaaa, haaaaaaaa, stop it mom, you gonna make me wet my pants, OH MY G you are funny mom! Well I suppose I should know better!



I had sent the text to Bern’s sister, as I knew she would see the humour in it and all I got was a reply… Shell has a wet sticky whoohoo and Carol almost wet her jean pant! Funny ha ha.



That is how my weekend started. I have no idea why I am surprised when these types of things happen to me. I should be surprised. I should just accept that I am the BUTT of my own jokes!

Living with the Crime in South Africa

Cait was attacked in her home this past Tuesday, which in itself was terrifying, and then she had to face the ordeal of being interrogated by our Police officers.




The Police Commissioner refuses to take this attack seriously, quite openly, and verbally told both Sarah and myself that Caitlin had made the whole event up. What really frustrates me and angers me is that the officers could see by the state that Caitlin was in and by the state of her flat that a horrible attack had happened and that the place had been ransacked. These people who we are supposed to trust and rely on and our taxes pay their salaries are untouchable and they rule with terror and have no problems breaking the laws they are there to enforce.

When the criminals run the country and the police force are not to be trained to do their jobs – this is when chaos reigns! Whom do we have to turn to in a time of crime, whom can we trust when we need their protection? The police are worse than the criminals are as they are supposed to protect us and they treat the victims as if they are the criminals. There is no support for victims of crime, there is no support for the damages they have to face, the costs of doctor bills and hospitalization, physiotherapy if required years or medical bills in some very bad cases plus replacing what they have stolen and damaged in the course of their rampage– there is no justice.

The victim is left with night terrors, years of fear – counselling is required and during this time they are expected to function and work and get on with their lives! Many a victim has lost their homes and belongings due to not being able to pay their bills as they try to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives. For some people there is no savings plan – no insurance policy so they fall into the depths of despair and are simply a spectator as they watch their lives crumble and everything they have worked so hard for disappear before their very eyes. For those unfortunate victims who had their bodies violated and their very souls ripped out by the attackers – there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no “it will heal in time” – there is no relief when the criminals are caught. They live with the memory of how they were violated and they never recover fully.

The criminals on the other hand sell the stolen goods at a price which makes ones blood boil – or they simply keep the goods are a memento of their act of violence to gloat over and re-live the event over and over again– if they ever get caught which is highly unlikely with our justice system – they get free lodge and board and free medical and then the cases is thrown out due to lack of evidence because the police did not follow procedure. What is this world coming to?



Our only form of defence against bad policing is to lodge a complaint with the Police Commissioner and when it turns out that he has been given false information by his officers and he refuses to take your complaint seriously you have only one more option! And that is to lodge a complaint with the ICD Independent Complaints Directorate. You do this in the hopes that someone will follow through and investigate the very people who are paid to protect the citizens of South Africa. Now you do this with very little hope of anything being done – but you do this as a way of making it known that the police are not doing their jobs. You do this in the hopes that someone is actually diligent in their work and will follow through – but you do this with a heavy heart because you may face victimization from the police (more than likely you will face victimization) and you fear that these Police will target the victim and their family and make their life a living hell. So you juggle with the decision as to how safe and how sound your decision is to challenge the Police!!!



Tell me – do you think this is right – that we live in fear of our own Police Force. They rule with terror, they make up the rules to suit them, and nothing is done to discipline them.

What are our choices. We do not want to leave our country – this is our country too – and go where? Only a small percentage of people qualify for the immigration conditions. $250 00, plus degrees, but why should we have to run from our country for safety – why do we have to accept that this is Africa and that it is inevitable that someone you know will be attacked, raped, killed, high jacked – we hear this every day and have become so numb to the horror of the amount of attacks and break ins and murders and rapes that we simply say –Thank God they didn’t…………… what ever – when in fact we should be saying HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN – IT HAS TO STOP NOW!



What is our legacy for our children and our future grandchildren, it is violence and how to deal with it and heal afterwards. Now that is one legacy we do not need to pass on generation to generation. I do not have the answers, I have many questions, and I will continue the fight against crime in our society – but until then, we need make sure our homes are secure – our alarms are activated, our children are safe, our dogs are safe from being poisoned and we have a security company on standby to react to a break in and do what the police are supposed to do for us.

LACK OF SLEEP - AND ACTION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

There I lie in bed, totally exhausted from the trip to JNB and the fact that I am just not getting any sleep may help.


I watch TV and turn to look at Bern who is in slumber land. Snoring and as much as I am tempted to feed her the pillow she actually looks so damn cute as she snores.

The little lips vibrating as the spit sprays as she breathes out. Her little cupid lips forming a perfect o as she snores. Aww so cute…….

The dogs are a sleep and the cats pretending to sleep. Not even Jinx is prepared to pay attention to me.

I get this “MOM I am sleeping look through sleepy eyes… and Busta sleeps like the dead and not even an earthquake can move him. I mean he does not even wake up for a biscuit – simply chews it with his eyes closed. Hehehehe.

Little boy is doing his dead act. On his back, pink balls exposed to the world, legs pointing to the sky and he sleeps with his eyes open. Madam Princess Fiona is sleeping next to me and between her and Bern, I am not sure which one snores the loudest….. But it gets better

I now realize Bern was being GASSED. THE DOGS! No not me. The dogs. I was convinced it was more the farts at one time. And the dogs love me so much they sleep next to the bed with their asses facing me. Thanks for that!

These omissions of Gas clearly upset Mofo as she then decides it must be my feet. Coz with no warning or even a hint that she is awake. I simply move my foot and in total innocence touch her. I mean really …it is my bed.

I then get f.... up royally and I shriek and ask Bern to help and she just carries on sleeping. That pillow is looking even more tempting. I am now attached to Mofo permanently as she has dug her claws into my legs as if she is trying to find the implant in my shin. She holds on with her front paws and rips the skin of my calf as she tried to work her way to the front of my shin. A little chain saw massacre all on her own.

Angel sees this happening, opens her eyes and peeps at me while I shriek and am too scared to move. She thinks this is fun and dive bombs Mofo and I of course use this as my escape. Well short lived escape because I of course move my legs… now this mean a moving target for Mofo and angel. I Frikin give up.

And my Bern just sleeps through this horrendous attack on me.

Finally the house is quiet, the bloody TV changes to parking wars on Crime and Investigation and I just cannot turn my brain off and ignore these bloody meter maids ticketing the people in the USA coz they really are a sandwich short of a lunch box. I mean really. And they love their jobs. Sadistic shits.

So in desperation I climb out of bed, which believe, me is not an easy job. I have to do the splits to step over Jinx and Fiona and place my feet carefully so as not to wake the living Dead Busta. Little boy looks up at me through dazed eyes… sighs and simply plops back down again.

I go to the bedroom door – unlock it, jinx, busta dart out, and I try and beat them to the alarm before the wonder into the lounge. I simply push 106 on mnet the action channel and entice the dogs back into bed. They do this run, trip me in the lounge, and try to herd me into the kitchen in the hopes that I will give them a treat.

At 2.00 am in the morning, the only treat they are gonna get is the treat to be alive! growl!!!!!!

So I lock them in the room. Go back to the alarm – reset it and jump into bed.

All is quiet for a few mins then I hear this thump thump thump on the bedroom door.

Jeeze my heart starts racing. I hope I looked the door. I stop breathing literally and listen. And the dogs are sleeping again. Great watchdogs we have.

I sit up and rock climb over the dogs again. Go to the door. Tell Bern to stop snoring so loud so I can bloody listen to the noise coming from the door.

A cross between a meow and a squeak and screech……. MOFO! She escaped while I went to change channels. Thank goodness, she did not set the alarm off.

I un-lock the door, Busta decides he needs to get out the room to explore for food. I almost rugby tackle him to stop him going out. Am on my knees and this is the perfect opportunity for the dogs to greet me. Jinx has her COWS hoof in her mouth and decides to kiss me with this bloody cows hoof in her mouth.

Oh my G I nearly throw up…… thanks Jinx!

I plop myself so hard on the bed. Bern lifts with the motion on my energetic PLOP on the bed and……………….

She carries on sleeping. I just get settled down when Princess Fiona decides it time to go outside. I humph!!! And Grrrrr and hope Bern will wake up.

I look at her (Bern) either she is really good and pretending g to sleep or she is really in a deep sleep. I am tempted to climb over her to let the dogs out just to wake her up…. And the climbing over Bern is a lot easier than climbing out of bed on my side with the bloody dogs!!!!

Any way I get out of bed. Toddle over to her side of the bed – grab the keys for the security gate. Make sure I rattle the keys very loud, groan, moan, sigh (Sarah you learnt this from me), open the gate, and tell the dogs I Frikin hate them. Slam the security door closed… as if this will make a difference….. It slides into place all quiet and smooth. I throw the keys back onto Bern’s beside table and she sleeps. I climb back into bed, light up a smoke and grumble, moan, and look at Bern who has now turned over facing me. She is no longer on her back. Great! She sleeps. It’s now 2h30am!!!!

Finally, Princess Fiona decides it’s time to come in. Jinx, Fiona and Little boy rush into the room……. Busta???????? No, he is playing in the garden. Picking up a toy, throwing it in the air, pouncing, prancing, and having such fun…. Awwwww cute!! NOT SO MUCH at that time of the morning

I growl at him and he sheepishly stumbles into the bedroom and steps on my toes with his razor sharp toes.

Damn man …….. Now I have a shredded calf and razored toes. I dance the dance of pain and threaten to kill him… now believe me I am not being quiet…. I throw the keys back onto the bedside table. Grab some headache pills. Give Bern’s back a death stare.

Walk around the bed; hit my bloody thigh on the front wire frame of our bed. Now have a bloody bruise there too.

So let’s re-cap

Torn calf shredded to pieces almost to the front of my shin

Razored toes

And Torn muscle in my thigh from the metal bloody frame

AND DOES BERN WAKE UP!!!!!!

No of course not. I finally fall asleep after having to get out of bed one more time to fill the cat’s food bowl and Mommy Kitty is giving me the death stare.

Sleep finally hits me at about 3h00. Cooool…… so I thought. I wake about 20 mins later to

Ohhhhhhh AHHHHHHH oooooooo YES YES YES.

The bloody action channel is really an action channel.

They now have porn on it. I have visions of Bern waking up and thinking I am some type of pervert. I try to turn the sound down and the OFF button does not work on the remote. The sound button is not responding.

I look at the screening horror. They are in a safari in the bushes! O M G and really, who do they think they are fooling… in the bushes with wild animals…..get real people. No one is that horny!!!

In desperation, I push the button for the DVD and watch Shutter Island for the 50th time.

Did Bern wake up………………

I will let you be the judge of that.  Hint.........she nearly had the pillow as a HAT!

Reunions and travelling

Reunions and travelling


We left for Johannesburg last Friday for a family reunion. Now I am not good with family functions. Call it stage fright or the fear that someone may just tell me how much weight I have out on and I will be devastated.

Listen people when you see someone after a long time and they have packed on few kgs – do not tell them. Believe me they know – they would already have had to buy a bigger clothes size. In addition, I am sure they have mirrors in their homes that shriek with horror when they stand in front of them. This is not something that happens over night. Only in movies, do people go to bed all thin and skinny and wake up when their bed breaks from the extra weight they have been blessed with.

I mean really just imagine. Off to bed as a size 10, waking up, and not being able to roll out of bed as you have turned into a larger version of yourself. So next time you meet a friend you haven’t seen in years or a family member – get over yourself and take in the larger version of who they are now and just be grateful they are still on this earth and tell them you are so glad to see them. I think the reaction is one of… “oh thank goodness, someone fatter than me has arrived – or “thank goodness I am not the only one who went to bed last night thin and woke up a super sized version of who I used to be…. Trust me, the weight gain is not a surprise to the person you are greeting. They most probably behave in a similar action to how I do before any type of family/friend reunion!

1. Shout out to the world that I really do not want to go

2. Fight with Bern and my kids (Sorry - I will try to be more angelic!)

3. Look at your stretch marks and suddenly blame three pregnancies – forgetting that in between the pregnancies I did manage to regain my figure partly

4. Blame the hysterectomy and storm off in a rage as I reach for another block of chocolate to pacify my already over anxious heart

5. If none of this works, I simply throw all my toys out the cot and refuse to attend the family function and explain it away that I have nothing to wear and I am a big fat beached whale!

Oh, the pressure I put myself under when attending a function. Not only family functions – but mostly family functions – which is so stupid…. They are family for goodness sakes. Families are supposed to be our safety net and our refuge. I am told by the most sweet and loving members of my family to “just get over myself!”

Now this I have to tell you does not help. I am already in a state of panic and am over sensitive and my reaction is not one of “Oh thank you for clearing that up for me – or thank you for putting me straight “ no my reaction is “That’s it I am cancelling and you can bloody well go on your own!”

Talk about over reacting, I swear if there was an Oscar award for over reacting, I would win it hands down every year.

Now if you think this is over reacting – you need to see me when the family get together is being arranged by me.

If it is at my house – I am sure I am possessed by an insane woman who has a need to clean and to check in cupboards and under beds and even go as far as wiping down the walls and ceilings. Now I know there is a medical explanation, ADD or something or as my Sarah says Mom YOU are O D D.

I was not always like this (that is what I tell myself) but after the horror of horrors 1st mother-in-law - I am particularly sensitive. She would choose to come and visit when I was busy feeding Sarah and Mathew when Sarah was three and Mat was one. Trying to cope with being mom or two, keep the house clean, and cope with two hours sleep while the ever so helpful hubby was out playing sports, working, or visiting his friends. She would arrive unannounced and catch me in the middle of a food fight with Sarah who loved feeding time. This was her time to make sure she redecorated the room with food. Mathew would join in by blowing bubbles, either spitting out the food or simply throwing his plate across the room or at me. Food time was game time.

I would then greet this witch covered in baby food, yellow mashed baby food and she would take one look at me and remind me that I was not her choice for a wife for her perfect son. She then would tell me that he grew up in a clean tidy home and never had to live like this. Never mind that she had three helpers to assist her run her home and she had a nanny to look after her children. I would then find myself running around trying to clean up to stop her lamenting painful voice and Sarah of course would think this was a new game. As fast as I tried to tidy, she would toddle all over and unpack what I was trying to hide. Mathew would take one look at his grandmother and walk up to her, pull the teat off his bottle, pour it on the floor where she was standing, and then waddle off with a giggle.

I think they could sense my need for escape when their witch Grandmother arrived. Hence, my reasons for panicking when people are arriving at our house or when I am planning a family function. My family reminds me that the visitors are not going to check the cupboards, the walls, under the beds, the are simply going to visit and have fun…….. Oh yeah – I say wait until your grandmother visits. She checks everything and then tell me to relax!

Years of abuse, I tell you – years of abuse!!! Poor Sarah had to put up with my state of panic when I was arranging her 21st. I cancelled her 21st so many times in times of stress but we still went ahead with it. I do get over my nerves and on the night am quite in control of my insanity. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This weekend family reunion was wonderful. So great to catch up and not once did I stumble and fall or spill my drink on a laptop. Only fought with Bern once before we went to the dinner -Overall it was a great success.

The highlight for Bern and I was seeing her mom who was not told we were coming so she was thrilled at the surprise. We also were fortunate enough to stay with Sarah and Cait joined us. Mathew was away for the weekend. Staying with Sarah is such fun. Wall to wall people in her little place – and the laughter just flows – I love visiting them and hopefully they love having us.

We arrived with gifts for the kids- The 3 ginger kittens; Picola, Jazz and Scaffy!

 The trip to Johannesburg was great fun. We were serenaded all the way. Six hours of varying meowing sounds. Some quite loud and pitched – some cute as they played and it was fun and games keeping them happy. We tried the box thing – but they did not like the box and escaped. Once they settled down in the car, it became an adventure for them. They played and scrambled everywhere and Bern was their favourite place to sleep. Shame poor babies - it was a long strip for them

My girls have told me they are settling in nicely in their new homes. They see the girls as part of their jungle gym and kept them up last night playing. Welcome to being a parent to an animal. They come first! We are the experts on animals come first. On our arrival, we unpacked the car and the dogs decided that they would never be left behind again and jumped right into the boot. Awwwww cute man. It took some time to persuade them to get out the boot and join us in the house. Animals are so clever!

Well now, I have to get my mind right for the next family get together. Christmas dinners, and family events and the journey ahead. At least I have another month to prepare for this and have the added stress of worrying about buying just the right gifts! Oh dear where has the joy gone of what this day is supposed to mean. This is something I will be working on in the next month to bring back the joy of what Christmas means, stop being such a worrywart, and just go with the flow.

I will get it right! I will not stress about stuff I can do nothing about! I will accept I cannot lose 10kgs in a month! I will overcome my need to panic. I will Get Over Myself!!!!!!



Picola, Jazz, Scaffy



OUR ZOO UPDATED

 Zoo has kept Bern and I entertained and up many, a night and we would not trade it for the world.

The kittens are doing well. 5 weeks only this coming Friday and so cute and so sweet but still not eating on their own properly.It seems the kittens chosen for the children all fit perfectly with their new owners.

Picola: Sarah’s baby girl – she is so damn cute, and we had to entice her out the box, which had been her home for 4 weeks when we increased their living area in the spare room. Now Picola loves to sleep and not be disturbed. She lies on her bed and watches you with blarey eyes when you enter the room to check up on them. The glare she gives you is one of “Humph! You are disturbing my sleep now get out…. and she shrugs and goes right back to sleep. If you pick her up, she yawns, stretches, and promptly falls asleep in your hands.

We have found her sleeping through her brothers play time and what amazes us is they are chewing on her ears or tail of lying on top of her playing and tumbling. The only difference is Picola does not sigh the sigh of “I have had enough” the way Sarah does.

A while back when we were visiting Sarah and Cait in their one roomed flat, the girls were sleeping on the floor. I mentioned this visit in one of my previous blogs. While we were getting ready to go to sleep Sarah was telling us how Caitlin drives her crazy with her early morning activities and zest for life and beauty routine. Caitlin gets up at 6h 00, prepares for work, and invariably bumps the bed or Sarah’s legs, which hang over the bottom of the bed. Sarah is not tall; Sarah does not require a bed big enough for a king…. Somehow, her feet always end up sticking over the bottom of the bed. This is an accident waiting to happen as Cait is not all together in control of her balance when she wakes up and truth be told she is walking and operating on remote control as she is still sleeping with her eyes open.

Sarah explained how Cait always wakes her, bumps her, and stumbles onto her and how this is just too much. Cait of course added that Sarah thinks she is taller than she is and this sticking her legs off the bottom of the bed is just plain bad manners.. So cute to see them squabble. Well with this in mind and one of the last discussions we had -I fell asleep sure in the knowledge that I would sleep through the night. This was not to be, at 4h30 I awoke and had to use the facilities. I carefully put my foot on the floor in the dark so as not to wake anyone up by putting the light on – after being told how much Sarah hates being disturbed I decided for once in my life not to wake her up and talk to her in the early hours of the morning. Besides, I had no idea where the light switch was. I put my foot out the bed and tried to find the floor only to find I was exploring Sarah’s head with my toes.

She sighed and said a really bad word and I quickly apologized and said, sorry baby I am trying to find the floor to go to the ladies. She just sighed again, used the bad word again and rolled over. Well I finally managed to find walking space but I did trip over Cait’s legs and Dom’s feet while trying to make my way to the ladies. It was literally wall-to-wall people or better description floor-to-floor people.

Cait did not wake up or even budge; she lay there like a sack of potatoes with her mouth in a dropped jaw look… very cute. Dom looked up at me and smiled at me and then giggled and went back to sleep. Sarah……. She growled at me twice. The return trip was even more fun. I decided not to venture into the hibernating bear’s cave and climbed over Bern who got the fright of her life and proceeded to catapult me nearly off the bed and I grabbed onto her and she yelled and nearly Karate chopped me and Sarah sighed again. I mean really – her mother nearly landed up being mince meat against her wall. The crime scene people would not have been able to identify me after I was catapulted and then karate chopped by Bern and what do I get for trying not to disturb her again.. A sigh.

Picola and Sarah will have a wonderful life together. They will curl up in bed and watch the world go by with bleary eyes and G help Anyone who has the courage to enter the Cave!

Jazz: Mathews’ kitten .He is an active little bugger and is always bullying Picola and Cait’s kitten - Scaffy is full of life and a real clown and a climber already. Full of beans, naughtiness, and he is the first one to eat. He climbs into the kitten pebbles with such relish and delight and all you can see is his hind legs and he burrows into the food hardly coming up for breath. He then sneak attacks his sister and brother and runs off in slow motion (as they are still unstable on their feet) to attack his mommies tail.


Now this is typical Mathew behaviour as well. He teases and plays fights with his sisters. When Sarah is sleeping, he makes it his mission to wake her just to be sighed at. Caitlin is his toy and he picks her up and swings around as if she is a doll. He also loves his food. When he was overseas, all he said to me was he missed my food. Thanks for that Mat. Makes me feel real loved. Two weeks ago, he popped in for a visit here in Durban. He accompanied Cait on the journey, as she was a little nervous to drive with the linehaul truck coming from Johannesburg, which is understandable. We had a lovely dinner on Saturday night and true to form, he climbed into the food and mumbled that my food was great. I was unable to finish my steak and out it in the fridge along with a piece of sausage.

The next morning while I was making breakfast I asked who had eaten my steak (I knew it could only be Matt) and Bern reminded him that he was now a guest in the house. He very sheepishly said he did not know it was my steak. Well then whose steak was it, not his is what I replied and told him he was not cool. He knew it was not his steak and that it could only be mine as I always have steak left over. And he grinned his big shiny grin at me and said sorry mom, I didn’t know.

Well I said, “what didn’t know it was my steak or that I would actually want to eat my steak for breakfast… his reply “No mom, I didn’t know you would mind and tried to look all sorry for himself and then tried to ruffle my hair…… see just like his kitten ruffling his mom’s hair. Monster and he just gets away with it. So it’s no surprise that Jazz is the first one to eat. He started by eating his mom’s food and now has his own kitty pebbles. He teases his sleeping sister piccolo and rough and tumbles with Scaffy Cait’s kitten.

Mathew and Jazz will be best friends and Mat had better check his back pack before he leaves for work because Jazz will either be looking for food or has decided to go along for the adventure

Scaffy: Cait’s kitten. He craves attention. Loves to have his tummy tickled. He was the first one to leave the safety of the box to venture out and he was the first one to climb up Bern’s leg and squeak for attention. He is playful, loving, and demanding attention all the time. If Picola and Jazz are drinking off their mom and he wants attention, he simply climbs on top of them and wriggles his way in dislodging them from their place of feeding. Scaffy also gets away with murder – be it chewing on his mom’s tail, nose, eyes, ears or pretty much, whatever he feels like chewing on, he is also the one who starts the rough and tumble and will be the first one who climbs onto the bed. A real little adventurer.

Caity loves easily, plays easily, and is the adventurous one. I have always said that even a volcano would not scare her. She would simply pick up a stone and throw it at the spewing volcano and tell it to behave she was not quite finished yet. Cait is the one who will suggest a task or a game or simply be the one who has us giggling along with her. If you wake her up she doesn’t sigh, she smiles and hugs you and goes right back to sleep. Scaffy allows Jazz to wake him and gives him a tap and goes back to sleep.

Caity and Scaffy will no doubt dance together in her lounge and he will climb up her legs and back and sneak attack her in the passage and generally they will play catches and will be great together.

It is almost as if Ally Cat decided she would produce three kittens just right Sarah, mat and Cait. Well-done Ally you did good!