I watch TV and turn to look at Bern who is in slumber land. Snoring and as much as I am tempted to feed her the pillow she actually looks so damn cute as she snores.
The little lips vibrating as the spit sprays as she breathes out. Her little cupid lips forming a perfect o as she snores. Aww so cute…….
The dogs are a sleep and the cats pretending to sleep. Not even Jinx is prepared to pay attention to me.
I get this “MOM I am sleeping look through sleepy eyes… and Busta sleeps like the dead and not even an earthquake can move him. I mean he does not even wake up for a biscuit – simply chews it with his eyes closed. Hehehehe.
Little boy is doing his dead act. On his back, pink balls exposed to the world, legs pointing to the sky and he sleeps with his eyes open. Madam Princess Fiona is sleeping next to me and between her and Bern, I am not sure which one snores the loudest….. But it gets better
I now realize Bern was being GASSED. THE DOGS! No not me. The dogs. I was convinced it was more the farts at one time. And the dogs love me so much they sleep next to the bed with their asses facing me. Thanks for that!
These omissions of Gas clearly upset Mofo as she then decides it must be my feet. Coz with no warning or even a hint that she is awake. I simply move my foot and in total innocence touch her. I mean really …it is my bed.
I then get f.... up royally and I shriek and ask Bern to help and she just carries on sleeping. That pillow is looking even more tempting. I am now attached to Mofo permanently as she has dug her claws into my legs as if she is trying to find the implant in my shin. She holds on with her front paws and rips the skin of my calf as she tried to work her way to the front of my shin. A little chain saw massacre all on her own.
Angel sees this happening, opens her eyes and peeps at me while I shriek and am too scared to move. She thinks this is fun and dive bombs Mofo and I of course use this as my escape. Well short lived escape because I of course move my legs… now this mean a moving target for Mofo and angel. I Frikin give up.
And my Bern just sleeps through this horrendous attack on me.
Finally the house is quiet, the bloody TV changes to parking wars on Crime and Investigation and I just cannot turn my brain off and ignore these bloody meter maids ticketing the people in the USA coz they really are a sandwich short of a lunch box. I mean really. And they love their jobs. Sadistic shits.
So in desperation I climb out of bed, which believe, me is not an easy job. I have to do the splits to step over Jinx and Fiona and place my feet carefully so as not to wake the living Dead Busta. Little boy looks up at me through dazed eyes… sighs and simply plops back down again.
I go to the bedroom door – unlock it, jinx, busta dart out, and I try and beat them to the alarm before the wonder into the lounge. I simply push 106 on mnet the action channel and entice the dogs back into bed. They do this run, trip me in the lounge, and try to herd me into the kitchen in the hopes that I will give them a treat.
At 2.00 am in the morning, the only treat they are gonna get is the treat to be alive! growl!!!!!!
So I lock them in the room. Go back to the alarm – reset it and jump into bed.
All is quiet for a few mins then I hear this thump thump thump on the bedroom door.
Jeeze my heart starts racing. I hope I looked the door. I stop breathing literally and listen. And the dogs are sleeping again. Great watchdogs we have.
I sit up and rock climb over the dogs again. Go to the door. Tell Bern to stop snoring so loud so I can bloody listen to the noise coming from the door.
A cross between a meow and a squeak and screech……. MOFO! She escaped while I went to change channels. Thank goodness, she did not set the alarm off.
I un-lock the door, Busta decides he needs to get out the room to explore for food. I almost rugby tackle him to stop him going out. Am on my knees and this is the perfect opportunity for the dogs to greet me. Jinx has her COWS hoof in her mouth and decides to kiss me with this bloody cows hoof in her mouth.
Oh my G I nearly throw up…… thanks Jinx!
I plop myself so hard on the bed. Bern lifts with the motion on my energetic PLOP on the bed and……………….
She carries on sleeping. I just get settled down when Princess Fiona decides it time to go outside. I humph!!! And Grrrrr and hope Bern will wake up.
I look at her (Bern) either she is really good and pretending g to sleep or she is really in a deep sleep. I am tempted to climb over her to let the dogs out just to wake her up…. And the climbing over Bern is a lot easier than climbing out of bed on my side with the bloody dogs!!!!
Any way I get out of bed. Toddle over to her side of the bed – grab the keys for the security gate. Make sure I rattle the keys very loud, groan, moan, sigh (Sarah you learnt this from me), open the gate, and tell the dogs I Frikin hate them. Slam the security door closed… as if this will make a difference….. It slides into place all quiet and smooth. I throw the keys back onto Bern’s beside table and she sleeps. I climb back into bed, light up a smoke and grumble, moan, and look at Bern who has now turned over facing me. She is no longer on her back. Great! She sleeps. It’s now 2h30am!!!!
Finally, Princess Fiona decides it’s time to come in. Jinx, Fiona and Little boy rush into the room……. Busta???????? No, he is playing in the garden. Picking up a toy, throwing it in the air, pouncing, prancing, and having such fun…. Awwwww cute!! NOT SO MUCH at that time of the morning
I growl at him and he sheepishly stumbles into the bedroom and steps on my toes with his razor sharp toes.
Damn man …….. Now I have a shredded calf and razored toes. I dance the dance of pain and threaten to kill him… now believe me I am not being quiet…. I throw the keys back onto the bedside table. Grab some headache pills. Give Bern’s back a death stare.
Walk around the bed; hit my bloody thigh on the front wire frame of our bed. Now have a bloody bruise there too.
So let’s re-cap
Torn calf shredded to pieces almost to the front of my shin
Razored toes
And Torn muscle in my thigh from the metal bloody frame
AND DOES BERN WAKE UP!!!!!!
No of course not. I finally fall asleep after having to get out of bed one more time to fill the cat’s food bowl and Mommy Kitty is giving me the death stare.
Sleep finally hits me at about 3h00. Cooool…… so I thought. I wake about 20 mins later to
Ohhhhhhh AHHHHHHH oooooooo YES YES YES.
The bloody action channel is really an action channel.
They now have porn on it. I have visions of Bern waking up and thinking I am some type of pervert. I try to turn the sound down and the OFF button does not work on the remote. The sound button is not responding.
I look at the screening horror. They are in a safari in the bushes! O M G and really, who do they think they are fooling… in the bushes with wild animals…..get real people. No one is that horny!!!
In desperation, I push the button for the DVD and watch Shutter Island for the 50th time.
Did Bern wake up………………
I will let you be the judge of that. Hint.........she nearly had the pillow as a HAT!
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