We have a new member of Staff - Bern's Operations Assistant

Bern came into the bedroom to tell me that Tabby nearly landed up going to Tongaat with one of our drivers – second time this week.

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 She seems to favour the one driver Eugene as earlier this week she climbed into the back of the bakkie when he was on his way to Umhlanga. She climbs into the back of the bakkie with all the boxes and explores and the driver is not aware of this. As he was pulling out the driveway – Lunga our other driver spotted these ears and eyes peeping over the boxes and quickly told the driver to stop.

I can just imagine his face when he either looked in his review mirror to see this frantic cat tap dancing on the boxes; or when he arrived at the client to deliver their freight and this cat jumped out at him – admonishing him for his driving skills.

My mail I sent to Cheryl my boss today after Tabby decided she was going on a round trip

Miss Tabby O’Really has joined ACT World Wide Couriers Durban

Position: Operations assistant

Date of appointment: 1st September

Job Description

1. Check the off loading of the freight

2. Count the freight to make sure the manifest is correct

3. Sniffer Cat – very important as we may be moving contraband

4. Check the parcels onto the vehicles

5. Count the parcels as they are loaded onto the vehicles

6. Vehicle Inspector – tyres are important but the interior even more so. The bakkies need to be spotless and untidiness will not be accepted

7. Assistant to driver – especially likes going to Tongaat and Umhlanga – we have had to explain to her that it is not necessary for her to accompany the freight. All we see are her little ears peeping over the freight

8. Guard Cat – keeps watch at gate on her red chair – every now and then she patrols the area

9. Lap Top technician – on standby for the next visit from Cheryl


10. Keyboard technician – loves practicing her version of the River Dance on the key boards


11. Filing Clerk – not satisfied with how the files are stored and insists on doing an inventory by snaking through them


12. Bath water temperature inspector – insists on drinking the bath water daily while perched on her slaves leg.

13. Hygiene Inspector – the desks and chairs need inspecting on a regular basis

14. Telephone technician – the phone is ringing she runs to the phone


15. Town Caller – the phone is ringing – or – Ginger Boy has stolen my salary (her toy)

16. Beautician and Physio therapist on site – you need to be cleaned and occasionally massaged with the new acupuncture technique on the market


17. Psychic – she knows when you are not at your desk and find you in the ladies or kitchen and demands to know why you are not at your desk working

Basic Salary:

2 bags of Cat pebbles

12 tins of caviar

Entertainment Allowance:

Furry mouse toys; feathers, twinkly soft balls, ACT Staff Members

Transport Allowance: Two bakkies at her disposal

Clothing allowance:

Mink Coat to rest her weary body on after the morning duties

Special Allowance:

A visit from her Favourite Boss more than once every 3 months

Slaves:

Two resident slaves and two drivers

Address: Paradise House in Pine town

Next of Kin: Monster Cat, Ginger boy, Angel, Mofo

Care providers: Bern and Michelle

Guard Dogs: Fiona, Jinx and Little Boy

Secret Admirer: Cheryl

Identity Document: Attached

Please make her feel welcome and her special request is can you handle her Orientation Personally and explain the operational Procedures

Cheryl’s reply to my rather silly email….

Oh my goodness, what a FANTASTIC lovely way to start the day.

You have to print that out and put it up in a frame with her picture on the wall.

It’s totally classic

THANK YOU

Thank goodness we have our animals to colour our lives  and add giggles.

Client visits and different people

Client visits and different people

This week has been a week of finding out about Bugs and Reptiles. Very interesting to say the least -I was face to face with a snake and about 8 bearded Dragons. One of the bearded dragons is the granny of the group and I can relate to her totally. She is also suffering from the mid life bulges and I find her rather cute in fact, she was quite adorable. The snake however – NOT SO MUCH – thanks Terry – I did mention I am not comfortable with snakes and I am sure you did it on purpose.

I saw silk worms in the various stages of growth and I was also introduced to meal worms! The only way I can describe them is ---- ikkkkkky shriek, horrid, prickly feelings under the arms as you watch them wriggle and Terry handles them as if they are great. Oh no, it may be the direction our industry is going, I only hope I never have to package them or retrieve them from the vehicles if they somehow escape from their containers. It has also been a week with meeting different personalities and how we as people and consultants react to each new client. It has been my experience that some clients actually become friends. However, I am not sure Terry’s lovely wife will allow me back, because I fell in love with her Great Dane and would easily have slipped her into my car if she were not so tall. The Great Dane met me at my car and looked me directly in my eyes through my car window. What an extremely gorgeous Lady, big beautiful eyes, one of them blue and such a soft nature. She will lick an intruder to death before she bites them. Terry’s lovely wife warned me not to take her “baby” and said I could have her hubby instead. Giggle! I cannot wait for them to meet my little zoo and possibly Monster would have had her kittens by then.

Speaking of which, she is the grumpiest pregnant cat I have ever met. She eats all day and growls at her children all day and if we try to move her to her secure bedroom, she also growls at us. I have to say I tread very carefully around her. I rely on my natural ability to read moods when I am near her- as this is the safest option- I pet her lots and offer her food whenever she looks at me.

During my years of selling, I have had to learnt how to use this natural ability to read moods and how to read a client. I look for the buying signals as well as those clients who just wanted rates to force their current carrier to drop their rates.

If I had to categorize clients, I have met this is how they would be categorized:

The Professional Client:

They do not have time to chat and want to get down to the basics. Give them the rates and the basics. Ask what their needs are requirements are and then GET OUT AND leave them to do their work. Now Bern Falls into this category - professional but has no time for a chit chat. I remember in Johannesburg there was a consultant who would “pop” in for a service call to make sure that the company was happy with the service they were receiving. Now she dealt with Bern as Bern handled this function and dealt with suppliers.

So this pretty woman walks into Bern’s office in her high heels and short skirt and booby top (unfortunately, you will always have these types in the freight industry). She toddles over to Bern’s desk, sits down and smiles this big empty smile and speaks

Now this was her third mistake in four seconds, her first being -not asking for an appointment -second was just walking into Bern's office and sitting down. A grizzly bear would not even dare to walk in uninvited when Bern is busy with her drivers, staff and reports.

In her squeaky girly voice she says “Hello Bern, I was in the area and thought I would pop in to say hi and chat” This is hysterical because Bern does not like princesses or divas at the best of times, and she has zero tolerance for “dumb” and do not interrupt her day with drivel.

Bern used her famous eyebrow stare and responded. “When you next get that urge – ignore it and it will pass - if I have a problem or need more vehicles I will phone you!”

Now this dolly bird sat there, smiled, and waited for more. Clearly, the information had not reached her two dead brain cells yet and there was that uncomfortable pause and Bern looked up at her expectantly; she finally comprehended what Bern had said, giggled like a little child, and thought it was a joke and picked up her bag and left the office. Bern the diplomat – however the consultant never visited again.

Now I make a point of never popping in to see a client, I make sure they are expecting me, because through years of training I have realized that this is unprofessional and I would not like to be faced with a customer who is annoyed at my visit.

The Potential Client

These clients are fun to visit as they are quite happy to chat and tell you all about their business and before you know it, you know everything about them and their kids and their gall bladders. I actually get on quite well with these clients and the meeting is quite a long meeting with a relationship being built. You sit and listen and try to find out common interest, their hobby’s and goals. Sometimes the decorations in their office helps you with discovering who the client is and what his or her passions are. Photos of family, children, pictures on the walls of achieving ones goals, or fancy cars – or my dreaded naked ladies on calendars.

Usually you can strike up a conversation as to what is on display in their office, but I refuse to mention the naked ladies -that to me is just disrespectful. However, this does not always work, you have heard about making assumptions – don’t assume it is the persons office you are sitting in for the meeting. –A comment about how lovely the children are could turn into – well they are the ex and her new hubbies kids and I hate the little brats……. – after that trust me the meeting has lost its spark unless of course you want to swap stores on ex’s . Now this can also be very dangerous as this person may still be in love with their ex or hate them so much you are witness to an emotional break down and this is not good for business either. I can see myself having to hand over tissues and listen to how the person has been destroyed by the divorce (which I can relate to) and eventually I am holding this sobbing giant of a man telling him everything will be all right. What are the chances of me securing the business after the client has drooled on my shoulder and gulped down big heart wrenching wails? -None after that. The secret is to try to keep it simple and less personal, this also saves my heart as I am a real softy and am easily moved by a sad story and tend to become so involved in the unfairness of their plight that I want to fight the battle for them.

My plan of action, I ask them about their company, and how they market their products and they invariably tell you a little about themselves. Unless this only something that happens to me – as I have mentioned before – complete strangers have this need to share their life with me. However some potential clients lie on the phone and give you the impression that they are interested in doing business and need to make use of your specialized services – all this is a con to get you to come to their place of business. These are predatory players.

The Player Client

This client agreed to the appointment with one goal in mind…. To see what the consultant looks like and to see if they could score some extra benefits of the forbidden type. This happens a lot in our industry and I have learnt to overcome this type of client by handing them my rates schedule and explain that if it is not listed as a service IT IS NOT AVAILABLE. One client became quite over friendly and insisted we must go for dinner. I realized he fell into the “pig player category” and I faced the challenge with a combination of feeling like a trapped animal looking for an escape route and some of my normal gusto. These clients see every phone call from a female consultant as a possible trophy for their wall of conquests. Through the years, I have learnt to ask them directly if they agreed to the appointment just to see what I looked at, and some even have the decency to be honest and admit it. Well the joke is on them, gone are the days of me being a Hottie and now I fall into the category or almost matronly!

These clients believe that in order to close the deal they need to have the added extras. I had such a client - After handling him my rates schedule and trying to be diplomatic by joking that if it is not on the rates sheet and on the services offered then I am afraid it is not available. He was just not taking the hint and insisted we need to go out for dinner. With this becoming a little uncomfortable, I picked up my cell and started to dial my then husband – he asked me what I was doing, so I said, “I am inviting my husband to join us, why aren’t you going to invite your wife?” That was the time he tried to get added benefits and I left with my dignity intact and then reported him to his MD for asking for “favours”. Sorry but that type of harassment I just will not tolerate. I also have a low tolerance for Power Clients.

The Power Clients

We have all met these clients. … the clients who believe they earn more than Bill Gate and walk around with an attitude of “Do you know who I am?” They spout off names of people they know and associate with – try to intimidate you with tactics of overbearing bullying and insist on low rates. Now this does not work with me at all. It is like a red flag to a bull -I take them head on and will not back down. I don’t care who they are, I do not care how much money they have, and more importantly I do not care if they can make my yearly sales target. I have learnt this type of client may be an extremely bad payer and more often than not this is the reason he is wealthy because he knows that court cases take forever and as he has more money than I will ever see in a life time I will not have the funds to take him to court. They treat you with such disrespect however, when you stand up to them and bully back an amazing transformation takes place. This bolstering bully becomes a puppy dog -All wags and wriggles and suddenly you are given all the information about their particular needs and as you exit, they tell you that no one else was prepared to handle their business. Gosh is this any surprise to them. I advise them I will get back to them and will advise them what we have decided is best for their business. Sometimes I do quote and leave it at that after telling them that our rates are not negotiable. One time I was with this client and he was insisting on a discount, so I turned the tables and asked him how much his product was and he smiled and glowed and told me all about how wonderful his product was and the technical jargon and how lucky I would be to have his product. I smiled and said

“wow that sounds amazing – so it is a top product and you are proud of it?”

He of course nodded, smiled, and said it is the best in the market. So I smiled again and then the claws came out

“That sounds very good, however please can you give me a 25% discount as I do not believe your product is worth the price you are asking”

He was totally offended and quickly jumped in to tell me about the benefits and features and why it was worth the amount he was selling it at and that it was worth every penny. To which I added

“Well Mr. Client, what I have requested is no different to what you have asked of me. You have asked me to discount my rates and thereby cheapen my product and service. Like you I pride myself in my company and the little bit extra ensures your goods are delivered as promised.” He was speechless and could not fault my reasoning and finally said “extremely well put, I have never had anyone take me on like that before.” Okay so I did not get the business straight away; but I also did not let the company down by selling our service at a Cheap and Nasty rate, which affects our service levels at the end of the day. He did contact me again after he lost a whole consignment to one of his cheaper providers and agreed that rates are not Always as important as the actual delivery of the consignment is. Some Power clients are so full of their own importance however and they believe throwing your printed rates at you while in a discussion will encourage me to give them better rates… Not likely buddy, even if I had been inclined before to re-look the rates – that type of action will only ensure a mail advising them that we have evaluated their type of freight and feel that our company would be better off not handling it. I have done this before in principal and have accepted that you win some you lose some. Selling can be quite a painful experience and rejection is a normal event in the sales cycle – however there are clients that are a pain in the derrière.

The Painful Client

This client whines, moans, and is so difficult to please. They request credits all the times and even when the service they have requested has been fulfilled. They whine about the weather when you visit. They whine about their job, their wife, and their children and are an extreme irritation. However, they are not a bad client to have; I have found if you let them moan and get it off their chest, they feel better. Then it is easier to discuss business and offer solutions to their work problems where distribution is concerned and overall they can become a loyal client and in time a “friend” as long as you keep the boundaries in place and they respect your boundaries it can work. Sometimes these clients just need to be noticed as they may have a terrible home life or have been dealt a bad hand in the cards of life. In addition, a painful client can be encouraged to be more positive and fun to be around and their business can benefit from the positive change. This leads me to the Prosperous Client

The Prosperous Client

These are the best clients because chances are you helped them grow in their endeavors and you have been there for them when they were considered a tiny client that no one else would have anything to do with their little enterprise. We had such a client who sold waffles and muffins and he now distributes to all the Spars countrywide. We helped him get to that point because the quicker we delivered the quicker the orders came in and it became known that his turnaround time for orders placed with his company was quick and the goods were fresh when they arrived. I love dealing with the prosperous client who does not have a chip on his shoulder and still values advice and remembers the people who helped him get to where he is today. We helped him build his little empire. These clients stay loyal and you grow with them professionally to.

Being a sales consultant has most certainly been interesting and entertaining, and I have learnt a lot about myself, and at times I know I have been a few of the above mentioned clients .

However I have never been the Power Client as I still count my pennies to make it to the end of the month – and in hind sight and all that, I am quite happy with what life has dealt me and I play the cards it has given me to the best of my ability.

"PRANK CALLS" and NEW BUSINESS

There I thought it was a Prank Call.

I mentioned earlier that I was approached by a client to ship silk worms. As expected, this opened up a lot on email banter from my colleagues.


Here are a few of them!


Worms fried in butter with garlic.


Bern says if the worms die, we can sell it as a snack “crunch a bunch”


Jokes aside, it’s good business and needs a lot of care and attention.


These little crickers are alive and deserve to be treated with respect


We will do everything we can from our side to ensure that your babies get the best care.


Well done as long as we don’t send the goods snail mail


Poor little bug...gers. Hope they don’t get turned upside down too often!


Will look after the little critters for you as best we can.

This new market has really opened my eyes to the possibilities of new business and as well as introducing me to interesting people.


Like most people I have never given a thought to how the Bearded Dragons, reptile pets, furry rodent pets are fed or what they eat. Well there are people out there who have a love of the cold slippery and long creatures or the furry monsters.


There is more to simply picking up the consignment and delivering it to the final destination. You have to make allowances for ventilation, food, and ensure they do not become squished while in transit. No wonder I have received so many funny responses. Now we are going to venture in transporting snakes and fish and lizards. I ask you, anyone who knows me, can you see me becoming involved with snakes in any form, design or matter. I am sitting here already getting the hibby jeebies at the thought that there will be snakes in our premises. However, on the upside, I very much doubt that our vehicles will be hijacked or anyone will be tempted to come into the house.


I am helping a client come up with a unique name for handling the freight side of his business. Bern came up with the perfect one.


“We supply the Bugs and the Critters that eat them.



“Move a Bug “or “Bugs on wheels” get it meals on wheels!



“The roach coach”



“The bug mobile”



What surprised me the most besides everyone’s sense of humour, which I have to say, is enlightening. (I now have proof they actually read my mails) is the need for this service. Most freight carriers will not become involved in a project of this type or magnitude. Who knows, we may very well have our own BUG Division specializing in this and all this because of a phone call that I thought was a prank…. Durban may just be one of the branches to be proud of. I sent my boss a mail describing the client’s needs and questions.



My boss’s response to me about transporting snakes etc…

We are going to have to investigate snakes and kak reptiles like that from a permit point of view. At least she did not say NO.”


I was trying to do a search for more clients who may require this service and believe me when I tell you – this is not simple. Type in Silk worms and you find sites about silk woven garments.

Reptile Food suppliers and there is nothing on the web.


I tried insects and of course, I received exterminator details… NO I want to know who supplies the insects not exterminate them.

I tried a full sentence (what do I know about the search function) I would like to find out who supplies silk worms and food for reptiles. Understandably, this had no search results. After hours of trying by using Pets food as a search function, I now know where to get Dog food and Horse Feed and live stock feed but still nothing about our little creatures we feed our reptile pets.


Horrors of horrors I have to go and learn about how to package a snake for transporting… I think I will ask for a manual and Bern can attend the classes. I will be sitting there with my eyes closed and hand over my mouth so I do not shriek and will disturb the class. No thanks, this lesson I choose to miss.

This is my phobia; we all have our own phobias and deal with them in our own ways. Some people face their fears. I have a fear of snakes and glass elevators and heights. The other day without thinking (which I seem to do on a regular basis) – I followed Bern into the lift and the doors closed before I realized that I was in a glass elevator. I nearly collapsed onto the floor – hugging it and screaming like a mad woman. There were children in the lift so I simply held my breath, closed my eyes and held onto Bern for dear life…. Thank goodness, it was only two floors. Now I hear you saying why the elevator when lifts and escalators are available…. Simple we had a trolley full of our purchases and shopping malls object to you putting a trolley on an escalator and stairs just do not allow for a trolley.


I think the fact that you may kill someone as you let go of the trolley as it becomes very heavy as you lift it up the stairs - and then running after it like a mad person is not the issue here - what you are trying to retrieve from the trolley is the all-important issue. You are not doing this to save the people you are plowing over – No, you are doing all this to retrieve your perfect pair of shoes you have just bought. Never mind the dogs food and cat food you have just bought that is heavy enough to wipe out an army – no it’s the perfect pair of shoes and someone will steal it. So you scramble over the injured bodies, shout at them for being in the way, run after your “runaway” trolley and finally as it hits the floor at a speed.


This now resembles and action movie - people run screaming and you are intent on catching the trolley. The trolley rushes towards the glass barrier panels that prevent you from falling down to the bottom floors, only to see your shoes fly into the air and then you watch them disappear into a water feature they have at all these shopping malls! Great now the shoes are ruined.


The trip in the glass elevator was sheer hell for me and as the doors pinged open, I pushed everyone out of my way – if there were any old people; I apologize for my behaviour. I shouted hooray and nearly kissed the floor until I remembered how dirty the floors were and how many people have walked across it and whooped a yell of pure victory.


I was in a glass elevator and survived. My fear of heights is the reason I find these things so intimidating. My fear is quite debilitating, I could never live in a block of flats on the top floors. I would never venture out onto the balcony or into the glass elevators so you can see the magnificent view. A double storey house or three stories and I am ok. I know it is illogical, but that is what phobias are. There are times when I am on ladder or even a chair while trying to look inside a cupboard that I feel vertigo creeping on me. I do try to overcome it but I am sure the blood draining from my face is a dead giveaway.

Last night, we had to bring in boxes of dried meat, which were not delivered yesterday. This was not a big deal, tiring but not a big deal…. However, I had to stand on a freight pallet to reach the boxes that Bern had piled up so high. She clearly thinks giants were going to off load the boxes. In addition, she seemed to pack them there with such ease. I was standing on the tips of my toes on this pallet, which is perhaps 15cm off the floor, and even this made me feel a little unstable.


I then had to throw the boxes to her in the house to pack inside to secure the dried meat. Now my ball sense is as good as my sense of direction. I had Bern flying through the air typical rugby move to catch what I was throwing at her. It’s a miracle that I did not take out any windows or kill any cats who were watching this exercise with total fascination. We moved about two tons of freight volumetrically that is. I was so intent on picking up the boxes and throwing then until one box was a little heavier. It must have weighed about 5kgs and in my defense, my arms were tired. I picked it up and threw it, but the momentum was stopped by the unexpected weight and I kind of rolled it to Bern.


After that, I simply handed Bern the heavier boxes. I was not going to pull a muscle or be responsible for dried meat being splattered everywhere. The dogs would have had a field day and it would have cost us a fortune to replace them.

Our cats have been very good with this tempting treat and every time I see the dogs, I offer them a treat. So far so good- no causalities – however I was tempted last night but did not give in to it. Lol


Today has been an interesting and busy day, it started at 1.00am this morning when the long distance driver arrived to fetch our Garmin and off he went. Then at 6h00 Bern received a phone call to advise her that one of our bakkies had broken down on the way back to the office. Great start to our day. We had one vehicle to do the deliveries and 2 tons of freight in our lounge needing to be delivered today. The phone calls started and Bern rushed off to meet the mechanic who was helping with the break down and I was answering three phones. Thank goodness, Bern took her cell phones or else I would have been in trouble. Bern handles stress a lot better than I do. She swears and tells the person before she answers it to ### and then answers it sweetly. I on the other hand am infected with a need to answer the phone and then tell the person to ###, however I resisted this urge today as all three phones were ringing constantly, and explained to EVERY CALLER that Bern was not here and could I possibly help them.


They responded that they did not believe I could and they would try her on her cell phone. Good one – how to make me feel really important. Then the collections started. Now we are one bakkie short, the 8-tonner vehicle was not in Durban today and the company that decided not to send their 8 tonner to handle their collections placed 14 collections by 8.01. I telephoned them and asked them how they would like me to do the collections and deliveries… “On a bicycle as I had no large vehicle and one of my bakkies was off the road.” Their solution …. Use the bakkie you have. Come on people it only holds 1 ton of freight at a push. I did not tell them to ###; I simply told them to hire a bakkie or give their work for today to someone else. The end result, we still have two tons of dried biltong sitting in our lounge.


I only hope that I resist the temptation to help myself tonight…. Only kidding, I would never eat these plastic tasting versions or dry wors (sausage) or Biltong (beef jerky) – even my hunger or cravings have limits.


All this talk about cravings and muchines : best I go and grab an apple as I do not have the energy to go and buy an ice-cream which is exactly what I need right now. Maybe an apple will help with the headache I have developed with all the computer work I have done today.


There is one bright light in my day. Sarah wants to buy me a puppy for my birthday. Now I am not a big birthday celebrator – yes, I love presents and the birthday wishes and I have no problem being a year older. I have accepted that one cannot stop the hands of time, although Chuck Norris seems to have found a way to do that, no I am not comfortable being the centre of attention. Sarah has found a lab cross husky puppy for me and I have named her already. Lady Godiva. She says its sounds like a dead body. So yeah, maybe not…. Does sound a little like a cadaver. I will have to wait to meet this little bundle, which will not stay little and let her choose her name. For now, she will be called poppet or moppet. Can you imagine if the sausage dog that was offered to Bern also joins the family, I will need to find a new source of income as they will take over the home and Bern and I will need to buy a new bed for us as the cats already own the bed, the chairs, the whole house truth be told.


The dogs are my shadow and I sit at my desk with them under my feet and land up typing sideways so I do not disturb them. I move the screen and key board to give them room.

Mother Kitty is on her last days and she demands attention in the form of food. Every time she sees Bern or I she screams for more food! If her kids come near her, she really lets them know they are not welcome. Bern and I are on night duty and we check up on her as she now has her own private room in the house. Her mood swings with her children has resulted in her moving out of our room and into the spare room we use for Bern’s mom. Monster Kitty demands massages, loves, and food, typical of any pregnant mother. It is so cute and if she had not been so quick to fall pregnant we would have had her fixed. Cats are sneaky that way; they fall pregnant while they are still suckling. So we are in for tiny furry bundles taking over our room and eventually house until we find homes for them. Yes this time I will find homes for them. I have to be strong! I will be strong. I will deny my inner child and I will be strong.



Now this inner child has decided it’s time to make coffee, watch some Television, and give my dogs another treat. Surprisingly enough the phones have been dead quiet tonight. Hopefully this carries on until 8h00 tomorrow! Even I need a break!

Weekends and Magical Places

Weekends and Magical Places

We went to Port Edward this weekend and were looking forward to a well-deserved break. The weather in Durban became decidedly hot and if this is any indication of what we are in for then I think I will be working in my costume and caftan! This reminded me of my days as a teenager when I pretty much lived in my bikini and caftan on the weekends.

I was fortunate enough as a teenager to live close to a river in Zimbabwe called the Suri Suri River and our house was right next to it. It was our little Eden on earth. A few meters from our home was this magical Amazon jungle at our fingertips. On particularly hot days, we used to take tractor tyre tubes and go and swim in the river. If there had been a heavy rainfall we were able to jet down the river at quite a speed and what made it even more exciting for us was the element of danger this presented. The storm would have stirred up the river and there were obstacles in the river and we would try to steer ourselves around the obstacle course with shrieks of young abandonment and joy.

Our place was one of the favourite places to be for the local teenagers as there was this river to explore. We went fishing regularly when the river was calm, suntanned and bathed to our hearts content. Looking back, I think my parents would have been horrified at the chances we took, but we were not harmed unless you count the time our friend visited us and went fishing with my brother. Andy was younger than we were by 5 or 6 years and he was our mascot, and wanted to keep up with the older teenagers to show that he was one of the boys.

Andy and Bain were fishing on a small rowboat we had and as Andy cast he somehow managed to get the hook stuck in my brothers back. This was a gruesome sight and we rushed Bain off to the doctors to have the hook removed from Bain’s back. Andy was mortified and no matter how many times we told him it was an accident he was beyond consoling. After that incident, we would tell Andy to cast off away from us and then we would join him. I used to tease Andy that if he was a few years older he would so be my husband when the time came.

I paid the price for teasing him quite a couple of years later, I was staying with my parents in Zimbabwe and my younger sister and I were tanning topless by our very secure and private pool. We had our eyes covered and were happily unaware that Andy had come through to the pool area to come and visit. Dene my younger brother who was 9 at the time obviously thought this would be very funny sent Andy through to the pool area where we were.

Val and I had no idea that we had a visitor or that the visitor was getting a full view. We heard Dene say, go through Andy they will be glad to see you and before we knew it, Andy was in front of us. Val and I scrambled to grab our towels to cover up and Andy who is 5 years younger than I am gleefully said “Gottcha”

I was so embarrassed as I had not seen Andy for many years and this was not how I wanted to meet him again and catch up. Oh boy did he catch up.... Words fail me! The last time I saw was when he came to my wedding and he was still a teenager. Now I had this handsome young man staring at my sister and I with a grin on him that even Tom Cruise could not have pulled off. This bright beautiful dazzling smile from this gorgeous vision standing in front of me. It was hysterical and I told him I would ground him and send him to his room if he did not stop teasing me. Dene was clobbered on the ears for his humour and it took a while to catch him as he was running around giggling and cheering that he had arranged this whole exposure episode. I lost all my composure and dignity. I had been the girl who protected him as a young boy in high school and had warned everyone that if they so much as touched a hair on his head they would have to answer to me. Even though I am short, I was quite a tough cookie at school and I think the fact that my best friend was 6ft 4 inches tall and we were inseparable made my threats quite convincing. Add to that that my older Brother Bain had also attended the same school and he had a reputation of protecting his sister to the ends of the earth I did have a little bit of influence. Well I thought I did….but Not as much as I thought I had - as I found out one day.

I was a senior in my final year at school, was the athletics captain for my schoolhouse, and thought I was well known. Well my self-confidence took a real blow when this 1st year junior came to me and asked me to go to the tuck shop for a senior for him, as he was not in the mood to stand in line to buy the order that was given to him. I looked at him and asked him why he thought he had the right to ask me.


He replied that I was a junior too and he thought that maybe I would do it for him. I stood there with my mouth open flapping in the breeze and with an ever so high and mighty voice said, “Excuse me, I am not a junior, I am your damn senior.” I was mortified and brought back down to earth when I realized my supposed status was not as well recognized as I had thought. Ralph my best friend who had witnessed this bent over, picked the young offender up, placed him on top of a hedge, and told him to mind his manners. My self-esteem never recovered and I was moaning about being short and started my drama queen training when Ralph decided to make me a certificate, which was not welcomed! “Michelle is Not a Junior; find your own junior to be your skivvy!” He seemed pleased with himself when he handed me the certificate! I handed it back to him and was not impressed when I saw that he had tacked this to where I was sitting for our next lesson. Very funny indeed ...NOT.

I was the same height as the new first year students (13 year olds!) and no matter how hard I tried with stretching and walking on my tip[y toes, I was still the short one and was lost in the crowds. I used to tease Ralph that he was dilly because he was breathing pure oxygen. We were called the Pencil and the Eraser at school. Quite a funny couple we made. Ralph towered over me and was a typical muscular athletic boy/man, and I was this midget with a chip on my shoulder.

Back to the pool incident; I stared at Andy who was no longer this kid, I was blushing had covered myself head to toe so to speak, and was at a loss for words. How do you offer someone who has just caught you half-naked a cup of coffee or something cold to drink? I think he needed a dip in the pool actually after the shock of seeing Val and I.

I admonished him, and shrieked with laughter, called him a little sh—and threatened to drown him. He quickly reminded me that he was much taller than I was and stronger than me and I did not have my bodyguards with me. What a reunion we had! In all my life, I never thought I would find myself in a compromising position with Andy my Junior at school. Life is incredibly funny and has its little moments of “If I could turn back the clock” It took me a while to regain my composure and even while I am typing this I am still tingling with embarrassment. Dene of course thought this was hysterical and all he could say was “Well, I wanted to swim and you and Val would not let me into the pool area and I decided to get my own back on you. That will teach you to suntan topless!” and he ran off giggling and could not wait to tell my mother that Val and I showed our boobs to Andy!

Mom of course thought this was very funny and to our disgust did not discipline Dene! Val and I were on guard after that and only tanned when the monster was away at friends! Andy was advised he would have to phone for a visit in future. He of course said no ways, he would visit more often!

I thought the heat in Chegutu was bad, thankfully, we had the pool to dip in when we moved from the house on the river, but we did miss the jungle experience and the long walks along the river’s edge. I was remembering this last week while we sat in our office melting with the heat and even though Bern and I are on a designer diet (eat whatever we crave) we did give in to temptation and buy ice cream. I was tempted to climb into the pool and eat the ice cream cone but my responsible side took over (yes I do have one of those). I ate the ice cream and moaned about the heat wave we were experiencing - 42 degrees according to the weather station. So when Val invited us to go to the beach house this weekend we were very happy to accept her invite.

We took the dogs with us and as circumstances would have it, we had a guest for the weekend. My friend’s son was in Durban for personal business and his lift had been delayed so he accompanied us for the weekend. The only place for him was in the back of the car with the dogs. The dogs thought this was a great game; they took turns sitting on his lap in the back of the car. Fiona is not a small dog and she takes up just about the whole back seat all on her own.

The dogs were in their element at the beach house. They had access to a garden, which was filled with adventure and big boulders to climb on and hundreds of meters of lawn to roll in. This young man wanted to go down to the beach to collect shells for his daughter and asked if he could take the dogs with him. In passing, he mentioned that he would be mortified if something happened to one of the dogs. We assured him they would be fine as they did not go into the sea and off he went. About 20 minutes later Fiona returned to the house and I was expecting the others to follow with a very tired Mike after them. We went outside to see where they were only to see Mike running up and down the rocks clearly in distress. Bern walked down to the bottom of the garden, which is about 500 meters, and Mike was frantically calling for Jinx.

Jinx had decided she wanted to return to the house but had chosen the wrong path to follow and the vegetation was quite dense and high so he could not see her. All he could see was the white tip of Little Boy’s tail as he was searching the dense growth for treats or something to roll in. Bern called the dogs and hey presto, ears up, Jinx and Little Boy darted back to the house. Mike was exhausted and explained that he was not coming back to the house without the dogs. He had seen Fiona return to the house but for a second took his eyes off Jinx and she just disappeared. He did no shell collecting.

The dogs were so happy with life and very tired from their romp at the beach. Mike needed a tranquilizer and a pitcher of water to cool down. After lunch, Bern and I took a walk to the beach and the dogs were only too keen to join us. We walked from the rocks to the beach a few meters from Val’s private rock beach and they explored, ran, and played. Mike finally managed to find shells for his daughter and Bern and I relaxed on the beach enjoying the view as the waves crashed into the rocks and our dogs loved the adventure. Eventually they joined us on the beach and sat almost on top of us to make use of the shadow we were throwing for shade.

While Mike was shell hunting, Bern and I were relaxing on the sand and chatting. He joined us later and was describing the rock climbing experience when he almost attacked! He was walking on the rocks and out of the corner of his eye he saw movement and spotted this very big crab and he jumped. Now Mike was showing us how he jumped and was in theatrical mode when he jumped and his foot scooped the sand - I was showered with a sheet of sand. Totally covered and the sand slipped into my clothing and every nook and cranny was coated in sea sand.

Mike ran over to me to try to dust the sand off me and all he managed to do was nearly dislodge my head off my shoulders as he tried to brush the sand off my hair, which was coated in sand, and my body was now a sand castle. I sat there and knew if I wanted to shake the sand out of my clothing I would land up jiggling on the beach and would inadvertently expose myself. This was not going to happen, so I sat there all demurely and tried to brush off the sand on my clothing. All I achieved was to brush the sand onto the exposed cleavage and it trickled down and down! Hot, sticky and a magnet for sand….. It was actually comical – Bern of course enjoyed the spectacle and she chortled along with me.

Little Boy is extremely funny on a leash. When we start walking, he decides to leopard crawl on his belly for a couple of meters. I think he enjoys the ground tickling his stomach or maybe he thinks he is a snake cross dog. When we reached the beach, we removed the leashes and he crawled on his stomach for meters with his tail waggling in delight ten to the dozen. This for him was heaven - A body exfoliation and adventure all in one.

Bern commented that nature explorers would not be able to identify his species by the tracks he left behind. They would think a very short crocodile left the tracks or some undiscovered Lizzard sea creature. When we returned to the house, the dogs were finished - Content, exhausted, happy and very hungry. They wolfed down their food with such delight and a little later Fiona came and quite determinedly made it quite clear she was still hungry as she ran back to her bowl of food. I reminded her that the vet had told her that she was quite “Plump” and needed to lose a few kgs but Fiona was not having any of this. She was hungry, she is cute, she is the queen, and we gave in and feed her a few dog treats to satisfy her hunger.

Jinx was calm and well behaved and was the star on the leash. She has finally overcome her fear of the leash and is the perfect companion for a walk now. Fiona is a bit of a bulldozer and I do not have the strength to control her on a leash, Little Boy is the resident lawn mower the way he crawls on the ground and Jinx is the expert walker on a leash. Score 1 for Jinx. Finally, we have found something that Jinx excels in and can be rewarded for. Finally!!!! Jinx is a cross between a jackrabbit, a ferret and an alien and up until now we have struggled a bit with her over zealousness and joyful puppy like behaviour - Finally, she can wear the badge of Good Dog. That is until I decided I needed to wet my hair with the hand held shower this morning.

She could not resist my stance as I bent over the bath and for her efforts-, I now have a bathroom, which has been washed from the ceiling to the walls to the floor. She is cheeky and has a tendency to sneak up behind me and nip my behind in play. She has never nipped sore or even broken the skin, but she cannot help herself. I nearly landed up in the bath and managed to shriek a NO Jinx! I was telling Bern about it this morning and commented that thank goodness Jinx did not nudge me into the bath as I was leaning over the bath eyes closed and wetting my hair! Bern would have had to rescue me and knowing her sense of humour, she would have been laughing uncontrollably and landed up falling into the bath as well. When you laugh, you have no strength at all and then funnier situations tend to happen.

The dogs loved the weekend away and were little angles on the return trip. They slept the whole way as we had taken them for another walk to the beach to prepare them for the trip home. We made sure they ran around, followed me onto the rocks, and played in the water. I must say the walk tired me out a lot too and I was quite exhausted myself on the return trip.

We are so blessed to have a place to go to over the weekend and we go to a magical place that heals you and gives you enough energy to face another grueling week. Looks like we are in for a cooler week her in Durban and there will be no trips to the pool for a quick dip or trips to the shop for an ice cream. Wish me luck!

Driver - Customers and The end of the week is here!

The weeks is finally over and it had been filled with stress and drivers who do not perform and clients who expect the impossible. However not all customers expect the impossible, they are what you would consider interesting.  I hope that my maturity clicks in soon because I find that I a treat each situation as if it’s a game or a challenge.  My inner Child Rules!

During the week a client telephoned to asked if it was too late to do a collection here in Durban. Without thinking I turned to Bern and asked her while the client was listening;

“Babe is it too late to do a collection for …”


I realized what I had said and said; Umm I mean Bern is it too late to do this collection?”


Working together has its advantages but also has its drawbacks. Bern and I work extremely well together and we complement each other. The freight industry is fast, has moments of stress, and is very time sensitive. We have vehicles that have to leave for our other branches and they need to be loaded and leave on time to meet our high service levels. Where I panic, Bern is the voice of sensibility and where I shine when communicating with clients for new business or for complaints, Bern bombs out.


However, we both have a warped sense of humour. On the other hand, possibly an appreciation of the funny side of life is a better description.


When I realized I had called Bern ‘Babe’ I quickly corrected myself and was not aware the client had heard my slip up – she chortled at the fun of it and the unprofessionalism and answered, “Yes Sweetie, we can still do it”



I gained my composure almost and advised the client that yes, we can be of assistance and he replied

“Thanks Babe, I really appreciate it”… he must think that this is our office protocol, or that I am friendly with everyone.

My Cousins suggestion:


Well, this is so ultra professional!


Perhaps it will work better if you said

Babe darling.....Or

Ms Babe........Or

Boss babe .....Just ask Bern which version she prefers


(Thanks for that Einstein, somehow I do not see this working either)

While conducting a meeting at our home/office with a potentially big client, I called Bern ‘Babe’ during negotiations. I only hope the client did not hear this or thought this is how I speak. As I said there are drawbacks to working together as I forget to address her as Bern not Babe. This is something I need to work on, become more aware of, and avoid repeating. Home life is home life and work is work- will be my new mantra in front of the mirror in the mornings.


One of my clients has become a good friend . She specializes in Beauty products and is also a business consultant. One of her passions is animals so we click on so many levels. I sent Christine a mail the other day to update her on my children and general information. We are both so busy that we do not get a chance to meet and have a face-to-face conversation. One day when Christine is this multi billionaire, I will remind her of her (and my) searching for ‘money days’ to buy milk and bread!


Christine has an incredible sense of humour and she loves to see the peculiar side to life. Her wit is sharp and her come back very quick, sometimes so quick that you may miss it and mistake it for sarcasm.


In one of her replies to my mail, she offered her beauty services for Bern and I. Her products are amazing and her facials are heavenly. I am excited about this offer for myself but Bern… Not so much. I replied to her mail, thanked her for the offer for me, and said we need to make a plan for a beauty day – but Bern I replied

Bern have a facial………….lol that is funny.



As for me, I would love it; time is the problem though.


Her reply to me:

Why not give Bern a facial; she has a face, doesn't she! ROTFLMBO! (Roll on the floor laughing my butt off)



When I read this, I had a vision of trying to get Bern to agree to a facial, as she will not even let me tweeze her eyebrows. (Not that they need tweezing, I would never suggest that the eyebrows which are all powerful land are able to raise into her hairline magically need any tweezing or attention. I am not that brave, I would never take on THE EYEBROW. ALTHOUGH it seems to be making a repeat performance lately.


Yesterday I was looking at our desks and office space, picked up my empty coffee cup, and mentioned that our workspace looked like a pigsty.


“I have not filled your cup yet,” said Bern


“Huh?” was my response, as I could not work out how her filling my cup had anything to do with our office space looking like a pigsty.


Eye drown raised, tone in full force Bern Said “I saw the disgust in your face when you checked your coffee cup and saw it was empty”


Once again, I repeated, “HUH” I turned to her and was met with the raised eyebrow and answered the tone … “what are you talking about?”


I had completely forgotten that I was whining a few minutes before about needing coffee and was actually, in my “everything needs to be cleaned and tidied up mode when I looked at my coffee cup”


Typical drama queen style I typed off a mail to my girls and my cousin and told them

“Bern has just raised her eyebrow at me again and used that dreaded tone – I need therapy!”


Sarah’s response – OH MY G mom your life is a drama series! Lol (laugh out loud) I wonder if there are specialists do house calls?


Back to my mail with my friend about the prospect of Bern having a facial…


I replied to her comment about Bern having a face doesn’t she?


Yes, Bern has face - you have seen it - but have you seen her eyebrow look? Well I got that when I told her she needs a facial. Hehehehehe


We will need to get a lion tamer in to tame the eyebrow before we ever have a chance of persuading Bern to have a facial. I am having difficulty getting her to agree to have highlights put in her hair when she next visits Michael my miracle hairdresser. Michael and I were discussing it when I went to see him the other day. I was in one of my creative moods and suggested we put in purple and pink highlights. Bern has gone prematurely grey and her once jet-black hair now sports many white natural high lights.


Now I am not complaining, as Bern is younger than I am, these natural highlights do not give away the age difference. This is the first time I have been with someone younger than I am! Bern would be considered my toy Girl if it were not for the salt and pepper look. Hahaha.


Michael and I decided this was a brilliant idea as it would look wonderful and then sensibility hit me. Bern would never agree to us being creative with her hair. Purple and pink highlights – there is no ways she would ever agree to that. The last time I was creative with her hair, I tried to highlight her whole head and the jet-black hair turned to bright orange. Somehow, I do not think she will ever let me near her hair again.


I think facials and hair highlights are up there with obtaining world peace when it comes to persuading Bern to let us have our way with her. Sigh…….. I would love to see her with bright colours in her hair, but this will be a total contradiction of her personality, which is balanced, calm, and strict. I have decided I will do the funky hair colours and be the outlandish one as I most certainly have the personality to carry crazy off. Well, accused of this many many times. “Mom you are not well -or Shell you need help – or -You are so funny, strange – but funny”


I am not the only funny person out there. Some clients are just as peculiar - I may have signed up a new client but his request was one that I have never in my 19 years of selling had before.



His request: TO SHIP WORMS!


This is how the call went


“Hi Michelle, my name is Terrence, Cheryl gave me your number.”



“Hello Terrence, how can I help you?”



“I need you to help me with moving my worms to various areas”



I sat at my desk with my cell phone to my ear and was stunned - I thought it was a prank call. I said

“I beg your pardon”


He explained that he was having difficulty finding a courier company that would assist him with moving his silk worms. (This had to be Cheryl testing my sales abilities I said to myself)


“Umm Terrence this is an unusual request, I have been asked to move many things, condoms being one of those unusual requests I handled years ago, but never worms.”


I took a breath and thought well if this were a genuine call, I would see how we could be of assistance. (If it was a prank call and Cheryl was testing me – this was one test I was going to fail.)


“So Terrence, how can we help you with your wormy problem?” I was laughing and thankfully, he laughed with me.


Bern had been listening to my call in the background, and I think my “PARDON “ gave me away as my tone was not one of - ‘sorry I missed that, or sorry I did not hear you ‘ it was one of disbelief and your are joking – right?- “PARDON”


Bern being ever so quiet and discreet (not) laughed and asked me what I was talking about. I continued with my call with Terence, asking for more details and as I asked, Bern was only hearing my side of the conversation


“Tell me about your worm problem”

“Okay and what are your needs”

“Right, so your packaging is tight”

“You have enough edible products in your package?”

“You have enough ventilation”

“The size is 35 x 20 x 25”

“Okay so its 1 ½ kg and is 35cm long”

“And what are your costs?”


By now Bern was all ears, her eyes were like saucers, and she was laughing very loud. She had no idea that it was a genuine request. I was trying to be professional, and even though I had this huge grin on my face as I listened, I could not help winder if this was in truth a genuine request, but the client seemed genuine. However, I had to ask the client if he was genuine or was he pulling the …. with me? Wow, I am professional hey.


Bern was shrieking with laughter in the background and Terrence asked who was that giggling in the background? I replied that it was not a giggle Terrence -it is a full out belly laugh. I explained that it was Bern and she was in charge of operations and possibly, she could assist with a few of his questions regarding how we were going to handle his request. This unfortunately is when I lost all sense of decorum and lost all composure, I handed the phone to Bern, as I was not able to talk any more. I am so pleased I was so professional and in control on my sense of humour, but Bern’s facial expression when I said that Bern could advise him on how to handle his worm problem was one of “You have to be kidding me?”


Terence has called his business “Munch A Bunch”. This conjures up so many options, worms was not one of the visions it conjures up. Bern says it sounds x-rated. Yes, the worms’ situation was extremely funny.


I compiled a mail to my boss, explained the client’s needs and requirements, and asked for a response about the rates and suggested ways of helping the client ship his worms. He supplies silk worms to reptile owners, pet shops and schools. When you explain it, it is not so funny; however remember, Bern was only hearing my side of the conversation while I was on the phone.


My boss received my mail and Bern’s response as I asked for comments and feedback “It sounds x-rated” - Cheryl was in a serious and very intense financial meeting and of course burst out laughing when she read Bern’s comment in response to my mail –


Cheryl’s outburst interrupted the meeting and she had no choice but to explain to the people in the boardroom what she had just read. She replied to my mail “Oh goodness she is right. “ I had no idea Cheryl was in a meeting so I replied to her mail


Hi Cheryl

Yes, I was laughing at her comment. Pretty visual description but would never have thought silk worms qualified. Do not share this with Erich but Bern wanted to say it sounds like a name for ‘a ladies only Bar. ‘


Cheryl said after that, she was unable to focus on the meeting, as she had to share this moment with her friend who would see the humour in the name of the business,


Terence obviously has a good sense of humour too as he sent Cheryl a text complimenting her on her Durban Staff and how amazing they are – (Giggle) If only he knew.


Cheryl has now decided she wants to come work in Durban and I told her we have a driver position available as unfortunately we had to terminate one of our driver’s contracts. She said she would give up her stressful and intense work function to gladly be our driver as we seem to have so much fun and the vibe is excellent. When she feels like she just cannot face another meeting or another phone call, she is going to phone us and draw on our energy and excitement.

What can I say, work should not be a drag, it has to be fun or why else would we spend 8 – 10 hours a day doing it! As light relief after having to send Cheryl the termination documents, I sent her a mail about her other staff her in Durban. This is sure to lighten her day as it is a collage I put together of our animals who have taken over our office and rule our lives. I am looking for the official warning letters for our fury staff.


After finding out the requirements for sending livestock by air, I composed a mail for Terence and his "Munch A Bunch", outlining the rates and suggested services. It was our standard letter, but I could not help myself, and Bern also contributed in the wording of my mail:


Thank you for your enquiry today and your wonderful sms you sent. Cheryl was most impressed and wanted to know all about our negotiations. (I have to say the name you have chosen for your company has given us quite giggle today) – (I will not tell you why!)

My ending to the mail was as follows:

We look forward to being of assistance and building your Worm Empire with you. We trust we have “wormed our way” into a good business relationship.


OMG our lives are funny and I always believe laughter needs to be shared even if the book agents I have sent my manuscript to do not agree - I have received 4 rejections so far. They say it is not quite up their street! Well my advice is that they need to move streets then, because it is funny as hell. Maybe if I wrote a damn sex book for dummies I would actually get it published? I suppose my sense of humour is not everyone’s cup of tea and I need to keep trying. I am not defeated by the rejections. I was warned that many book agents do not even read the pages sent to them. They automatically reject it.


I really do create funny situations: for example, I dreamt Bern gambled away R40 000 Rands. Sarah phoned me yesterday as she does every morning just after 8.00am. I was telling her how I verbally attacked Bern this morning while brushing my teeth about her gambling endeavour with a tremor in my voice and before I could say anymore, she said


“Mom were you fighting with Bern about your dream again!?” Well I burst out laughing and said well my dreams feel real and Bern gambled away R40 0000!!!. Poor Bern was blasted with toothpaste and verbal abuse for her gambling away so much money, and chastised her and added that I was not impressed. In my dream, she kept on feeding money into the slot machine and was sitting on R200.00 and feeling very proud of herself.


As if Bern would ever do this, she is Miss Conservative and struggles to spend more than R500.00 if we decide to go and play at the casino. If this is a premonition for us having this amount of money, I will make sure there are no casino trips!


Maybe I am going to earn some serious commission or the impossible may happen - a publisher will love the book and advance me money? Well a person can dream and who knows what is in store or may happen - a publisher will love the book and advance me money? Well a person can dream and who knows what is in store for us.


In the mean time, I will walk the work of the broke but employed and make appointments, and who knows, I may very well receive a signed credit application from MUNCH A BUNCH! I need to build my empire and if it means moving worms then I will do it. Stranger things have been known to happen to me.

I love My Life

I love my Life, I love my Life, I love my life.



This is part of a mail I sent to family and friends this morning as light relief for them and a way of purging myself of my nativities. As I was typing it, I realized….hey I have more material for my blog. Then it dawned on me, I am actually giving my children more than enough evidence to have me locked up for the insane. The good thing is I know they will be joining me soon and so will my crazy Cuz from New Zealand as she really has inherited the Adcock Genes. Lol…….



Sarah sent me a mail after reading my mail to her about how my morning started that she has pre-booked me into a home for the insane. Should I be impressed that she and I are on the same wavelength or worried that the men in white coats will be arriving at my door soon? The only saving grace is if the kids are expecting great wealth at my being locked away; they have more chance of getting my books published than inheriting anything from me. I am as broke as a church mouse. In fact, a church mouse has more than I have at the moment; they have a church!


I suppose I should not be surprised as this morning after my bath I took photos of my injuries and sent them to my girls and my cousin in New Zealand expecting a barrage of sympathy mails. Did I get this, were they sympathetic? Ummmm no

This is how they responded:

From: cait osterloh

Subject: Re: Emailing: INJURIES 003, INJURIES 001, INJURIES 002

Oh mom! they are HUGE... OOOOOOHH call a doctor :)

From: Cousin

Subject: Re: Emailing: INJURIES 003, INJURIES 001, INJURIES 002

Well, I squinted, stood on my head, tried to look backwards... but no blue ???

Cute little “krom tone" tho'.

Ha ha

My family loves me, my family loves me and I am not a Drama Queen! )

Maybe if I say this often enough the universe will listen, miracles will happen, and I will stop being a Drama queen


I have used my mail to my family and added bits that are relevant and deleted stuff that is not.... I know, I accept that my animals rule my life. I suppose it is better than alcohol ruling my life, but at least I could use the excuse I have heard before… I don’t remember I had too much to drink. I must try it some time! Maybe I can persuade Bern to make the famous Hooligan Juice for me and I can drown my sorrows in it


While typing this I was called away from my desk by Bern and on returning to my desk, I hit my crushed toe against my chair! It is so sore and I am crying and have this lump in my throat it is bleeding on the inside I tell you. Drama Queen I hear you saying again – you try to live with my very over stimulated imagination.


My wonderful full of fun life!


I want to trade my life I have considered being a beach bum but - oohhh being a beach bum would never work for me - sand in the pants was never something I enjoy and I do like my every day luxuries like hot water and coffee in the morning. Any suggestions! Being a beggar on the street corners would only confuse the drivers, as they would not know I was begging for money, they would think I was lost and needed directions to a home for the mentally challenged!

How about a door-to-door sales person? No thank you, if my Sarah is any indication of how to handle a door, I am in trouble. She runs into them at night as she says she can’t see them. Here is a hint Sarah, put the light on and you won’t run into the door. Besides, you try to gain access to anyone’s home in this day and age. If you are not attacked by big dogs and managed to crawl up to the front door of the house you are hoping to sell something to, you are sure to be met by more dogs and a person with a gun and they will rob you and mug you. So scratch that idea.


Car sales Person - What do I know about Cars? They start and you put fuel in them and they have a sound system which keeps you company while you drive to your destination. Sometimes you need to remember to check the oil and water. Thank goodness, I have Bern for that – I would land up being stranded more often than not if I did not. I mean when I do break down which is not often, I phone her and try to explain the problem.


“Bern, I have broken down, the car made a grrrrrr noise, shuddered and then the steering wheel locked and the car just cut out". Now even the best mechanic in the world would not be able to help me with this description so I do not blame Bern for her “What are you talking about?” comment – so no cars are not my forte


Make Up sales Person – No I don’t think so, I tried to apply base to my face yesterday in preparation for my appointments and for some unknown reason it turned into wall plaster. I had these stripes of goo on my face and had to use make up removal to get it off and start again. I wonder if the humidity in Durban turns normal make up foundation into goo that looks like it should be used when designing masks for Halloween.

Sports Commentator – I think not, what I know about sports would horrify avid sports lovers. I fall sometimes fall asleep during ruby and Grand Prix when it is televised ! This would be one job I would be fired for non-performance. I had to be bribed and cajoled into going to watch a live Rugby Match here at the Shark tank. It was Lions playing South Africa and I managed to enjoy it. It was a great experience and I will go again if the opportunity arises. I may not know anything about Rugby but I really enjoyed the atmosphere and the crowds. They dress up for the day and I spent the day taking photos of what they were wearing! I cheered along with the crown, even though Bern and I were the only green shirts in a river of red shirts. We were seriously out numbered. I admit I do watch Rugby now and am learning a bit more; however I have a long way to go.

I could go on and on, but I have to accept this is my life, selling express freight is my chosen profession and on a whole, I am not totally useless at it. There are times when we have to accept our lot in life and just get on with it. No use in crying over spilt milk or crushed toes is there?


This is how my morning started


Mofo (our mad kitten - human destroyer) left me alone. Miracles do happen. The drivers who arrive as early as 5.00 were relatively quiet if you take into consideration that they believe talking quiet is a sign of disrespect.

Little Boy (my equally mad Jack Russel) decided it was not hot enough and cuddled up to me creating a heat wave all on its own.


My broken squished toe kept me up half the night (Bern rode over it with her chair!)In addition, my buggered elbow (tennis elbow I think it what it is called) – (which is stupid as I have not played tennis in years) kept me up the other half of the night. A few years back, Bern Sarah and I were away for a holiday after quite a horrid time we were experiencing. Mat and Cait were overseas with their dad. We decided we needed to entertain ourselves and hired Tennis racquets and balls for an afternoon of tennis.


I was still healing from my knee reconstruction so was not so agile, but Bern was a little better off with her almost healed hand after surgery. It was great fun and what was very entertaining was Sarah playing tennis. She is such a girl… really she runs like a prissy girl, giggling all the time as she hits the ball back. Her arms tightly clenched next to her body as she runs swinging her body and tiptoes to hit the ball. This was very good exercise for us as we sat on the tennis court catching our breathe – not from running but from laughing

I did so not want to get up this morning. Seem to be having a few of those mornings lately. Maybe I am starting with change of life. Oh please can I change into that butterfly I have been wishing to be. Then butterflies have a life span of 3 weeks I think. No maybe I need to change into a dolphin because they have sex for fun and I can totally agree with that. On the other hand, maybe a pig as they have orgasms that last 45 minutes. Well let me re-think that. I am already shaped like a pig and a 45-minute orgasm would kill me. But hey what a way to go. (I did warn you that there is some adult content in my blogs so do not act shocked!) I sent my boss a perfect mail about change of life and even though I have not started with the symptoms yet – I am sure it is just around to corner to make my life even more interesting. I mean really I am challenged enough and this will just add to my woes and moans. We are all in for such a good time when it finally hits me aren’t we?


While I was trying to wake up, I listened to the work drivers talk outside our bedroom window as they loaded their vehicles and get ready for the day. They arrive from 5.00am to 7.00am and play their music loud. Boom boom, and talk in their home language - a language I cannot understand and my headache started.

Little boy has decided our bed is now his private bed and he takes umbrage to me moving him while he is on the bed. We had a loss in our animal family last week and are still in mourning. My Sarah’s little puppy had an unfortunate accident while playing with Jinx and the game landed up being fatal. We were and still are shattered and I wish I knew how it happened. I do not want to go into the details, but this has changed my animals and they have reacted differently. Little boy has become quite possessive of the bed and his spot on the bed.



After pushing little boy away from me carefully so as not to unleash his monster side, I rolled out of bed, being careful not to stand on Jinx as she believes she is my bedside mat. She grumbled at me as I disturbed her while she was lying on her back with her legs sticking straight up. I have no idea what she was dreaming about as she was doing the water aerobics actions with her legs while she slept. Jinx has taken the loss of her friend really badly. My normally lively dog is now quite demure and sad. She requests a lot of attention and reassurance. We are giving her extra attention and will later consider a new addition to our family, but this one will have to be mid puppy to young adult to handle the rough and tumble.



Fiona is not quite right either, she asks for love a lot more of late, and will not let Jinx play any games in the garden. She disciplines her immediately, however that being said she is showering Jinx with love and attention and often sleeps next to her. Animals mourn differently, however I am sure they have picked up Bern and my despair and loss and are reacting to our vibes more than anything else. I think this explain my need to stay in bed as I am not quite myself yet. I am working on it and do have my silent times where I do still shed a tear for Babushka. I petted the dogs as I climbed out of bed and started prepare myself for the morning



I then went to run my bath………… no plug. The cats love the damn plug and take it out the bath. I searched the bathroom, which took exactly three seconds, as there is not much place to hide the plug…. (Or so I thought.) Called for Bern explained my dilemma - I was all sulky, sad, and pathetic and was whining like a spoilt child. (I am practicing for my second childhood!) She came in and I promptly resigned from being an adult and sulked in my bed… actually I was secretly pleased as I now had a reason not to get out of bed.


Bern my hero! – She found the plug in the other bathroom, neatly placed on top of the other plug. (I still cannot work this one out) was Fikile thinking they could make a baby plug the way she had them placed on top of each other? For that miniature bath, I am going to need to soak my injuries in from the cats or from Bern riding over my toe. I have told Bern she needs to get a license to drive her damn chair.


She very nicely and dutifully runs my bath for me. Awwww sweet…..now I have no excuse to stay in bed. Damn! I am just about to climb into the bath and see that the shampoos, soaps, body wash and face cleaners are missing. Now Bern returns to the other bathroom thinking maybe Fikile thought we need to bath in that bathroom now. Nothing – they have simply vanished -No sight of them anywhere. We check the showers, both here and the other bathroom. Check under the bathroom basin (of course this was the first place we looked. I decide to use the shower stuff from Bern' shower (not mine - I hate showering) wonder where our supply of stuff has gone. Decide I had better bath and get the damn day started.


I had to wash my face with body wash. Body wash is not manufactured for faces – I found this out the hard way. It is very soapy and bubbles like crazy. I get these bubbles in my eyes and now look like I am on drugs or worse have been crying for a week. I sit in the bath with soapy tears streaming down my face from the burn in the eyes and am blinded by the soap when I nearly jump out of my skin in fright. Tabby (our other kitten cat) decided she needed to join me in the bath AGAIN. THIS IS HER MORNING BLOODY Routine. She jumps up on the sides of the bath - Steps onto my leg and drinks the bath water. Now this sounds all cute and cuddly and a Hallmark Moment but believe me it is nothing like that. She has claws remember…. if the water is not deep enough for her, she digs her claws in to my leg to anchor herself on me and she quite happily and purring loudly with the sheer joy of drinking hot water, proceeds to peel my skin off my knee as she laps up the water. The water shoots out her nose as she drinks in gallons of the stuff and she sneezes and sprays me with water and I dare not budge her. I wait until she has had her fill and do not move an inch even if I have soap in my eyes. Bath time is such fun since she joined our family.


Actually, it is not so bad but not always so funny. When she has lapped up enough water and is as big a hot water bottle, she pounces off my leg and sits on the bath mat watching me. She never has clean feet -She loves the garden and plays all the time so I now sport lovely footprints on my knee and thigh. The bath is also patterned with her little paw prints and it is my job to clean the bath after bathing. Thanks Tabby… you make my life so much easier.


I finally climb out the bath, being sure not to step on the now full and satisfied Tabby cat who has claimed the bath mat as her place of sleep while I am in the bath. Choosing an outfit that will be less hot than my other outfits is quite daunting as Durban is sporting a temperature of 32 degrees and it is going to be a scorcher of a day...


Still feeling less than energetic and excited about the day I sent my boss a sms telling her it is a day from hell here in Durban and hint that I need some leave. I am still waiting for a reply. I then shout for Bern to come into the bedroom, because once I step out the bedroom, she is no longer Bern, she is the Operations Manager and we have to be all-professional and I have to leave my child like tantrums in the bedroom. I tell her I am sick, do a fake cough and she tells me to STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN! Once again the Drama Queen description. I think someone is trying to tell me something!


I am not a drama queen. I do not want to be a drama queen. I want to be a bloody princess. Queens have to make decisions and I want to be pampered and have my every wish granted.


I need a t –shirt that does not say

SHIT HAPPENS!

BUT

Why does it always happen to me!


I looked at my injured right foot. Took the photos as evidence and to prove that I do not make this stuff up. For some reason when I am sharing my day with a work colleague in a telephonic conversation, I am bombarded with “You Lie, Serious” yes it is true, I now have proof.


Speaking of lies. It is a well know fact that people lie. Some more than other and like all people I have had my fair share of lies told to me. I do try to tell a lie, however my face gives me away and if that is not bad enough my giggles also give me away.


Last night I was trying to wangle another cup of coffee out of Bern, as I was too hot and lazy to get up and make one for myself. So I turned to her and told her she had not made coffee. I hardly finished the sentence when I gave myself away and giggled and turned red and she gave me that look of “Go on try that one again?” Her famous eyebrow shot up and she laughed at me and told me to work on my lying skills. She dared me to tell her a lie and I sat there thinking of a lie. Eventually I came up with “I am really fond of an ex friend…. Not mentioning names!”


Well I failed miserably and Bern told me to just stick to the truth, as that was much easier for me. I am not saying I do not lie, that would be a whopper of a lie if I said that. I have to tell fibs (a soft word for Lies) in my profession but I have to admit I do try to stick to the truth as best as I can. My reason being, besides not being able to keep a straight face- The brain is designed to remember the truth not lies. Lies fall into the fantasy part of our brain and when asked to repeat the lie we embellish and add on unnecessary information, as we have no idea what we said in the first place. This by the way is how many parents know their children are lying. They embellish, add stuff, get annoyed and start mumbling. A dead give Away! I tried out some more lies on Bern and she eventually told me I was over tired as I was giggling and blushing and acting a real fool and told me, it was bedtime!


Tabby entertained Bern this morning with a locust about 10cm long and her siblings helped her chase this thing. I could hear Bern telling her to take it outside and Bern was trying to rescue the locust and …. Bern lost the battle. We now have a crime scene in our lounge. Horatio needs to come and investigate and lock Tabby up and I will tell him that Mofo is her Co-conspirator. I will have my revenge. Bern gets so frustrated with that CSI series; I think it is the sunglasses and the stance he takes. We tease her about it all the time. Matt copies him when I am in one of my dramatic moods and says we need to call CSI in to collect the evidence and they will find out who the culprit is who scratched me, knocked me over or ate the cake in the fridge. I have a funny family and they all find me very entertaining.


The day had just begun so you can only image how much can happen still. Doooo dooooo dooooo, twilight zone has taken up residence in our home.


Oh and sadly, I received my first rejection for my book.


“We’re afraid your project does not seem right for our list, but thank you for thinking of Dan, and best of luck in your search for representation” booo hooooo – but I will not give up. I will carry on trying to find someone who recognizes that being insane is also a talent!


P.s. Bern found the bathroom soaps etc. We have this tiny cupboard under the washing basket space. Hey presto… our shampoo etc. Now you think Fikile would have told us she had found a new home for our stuff!



I thought I had solved my having to transfer the calls to Bern, my invisibility cloak needs repairing and I decided to educate the Operations and Customer Services staff in our company. I sent them this mail:

From: Michelle Gravett
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 10:41 AM

Subject: BERN'S DIRECT NUMBER IS
Hi there


If you want to phone Bern direct, you can phone her on ...... This is the phone on her desk. Now I of course would love to still hear from you. So please do not stop phoning me. Just thought I will let you know her direct number. Enjoy your day


I sent this mail to the big bosses



Copy of Mail sent to ops and csd.

Hint hint, nudge nudge. Lol

Seriously, we need to keep this line open for incoming calls, as I do not receive calls for me anymore. Well I do from clients and happily, they do want to speak to me. They do not know how powerful and wonderful Bern is yet, and I am sure in time I will be transferring their calls too! lol

-o-

Well I received a call from one of the branches and they were giggling and said they have not memorized the other number and please can they speak to Bern! Funny people! Everyone is a comedian!


Don’t you envy my life!