I received a text from my cousin Ronelle who lives in New Zealand in response to my blog yesterday about phone calls being for Bern:Hello, please can u pass this to Bern…… (Smiley face)
Not funny Cuz, rude actually and then she stared on MSN (chat function on the computer)
I was explaining my conversation with the Intercom on Wednesday at my prospective client. How I had to edit my real conversation for the blog as I used many explicit words to myself. So the client actually heard everything.
Sarah phoned me after reading the blog (she has room to talk when she called me insane) and I was telling her about me standing on the pavement talking to the intercom and gesturing and waving my hands and creating a real spectacle of myself.
This is part of my conversation with my cousin this morning on MSN (parts have been edited because she threatened to be-head me if I publish it all) well I may just let it all hang out so to speak and suffer the consequences later. I have to prove to the world that it is genetics; I am not the only insane one. In fact I am throwing out my genes (jeans), as they don’t fit me anymore!
LRD says: loved the blog!!! LOL
Michelle says:
I am glad you did. I edited my conversation with the intercom. There was a lot of, what the f... and I am such a stupid f idiot and... blah blah . So the client heard all that. I seem to have a very funny life! I Didn’t ask for it but I seem to have it. But it’s not so funny when it’s happening
LRD says:
Hmmm, yes I sorta pictured that! And also the bit with the navigator man! Wow, I can certainly just see you doing this. I think you just be a "funny" magnet, and am so glad cause you make me laugh.
By the way, "can I talk to Bern?" ha ha ha ha ha
Gotcha!
Of course, I collapsed in laughter as everyone now is phoning me and asking for Bern on my Cell, but this is the first Text I got for her on MY CELL!!!!
EVERYONE IS A COMEDIAN! I had to phone my boss Erich about a collection this morning and rather sheepishly I said “hello Erich, don’t you dare ask for Bern!” He laughed out loud and before he could ask for Bern.
I told him about my challenges here with a collection and then told him that next time I need to speak to Cheryl, I will phone him and ask for Cheryl. He thought this was very funny and couldn’t wait to share this with Cheryl. Oh, the day just improved. Almost every phone call has been for Bern, yesterday and today. I cannot put the phone on her desk, as the extension is not long enough so I am her communications slave.
However, the phone has this need to punish me too. I did get one phone call for me this morning. I dragged myself out of bed feeling quite ill from over eating last night and when the phone rang, I cursed it expecting it to be for Bern.
I answered the phone with a tone of “what do you want” when my client said hello “Michelle its Colleen from Shamrock.”
My response “Hello Colleen, I was thinking of your husband this morning!” What I failed to explain was that I was thinking about phoning him to get more leads for business from him as he has quite a big clientele that might be able to make use of our services.
Do I ask her how she is today, or how can I help her? No I tell her I was thinking about her husband.
She does not know me, she has not met me, and her husband passed on my details to her! So she can only be wondering what the hell is going on.
I try to cover this blups up and this foot in mouth disease just gets worse. “I mean, I wasn’t thinking about him in that way, or any way actually” Bern is listening and tells me to just shut up and take my foot out of my mouth and the client heard this and thank goodness she chortled along with me as I sat in my chair too scared to speak. I then find my voice and ask her how I can help her.
She gives me the details of her required quote and we chat a bit more and I ask her how her dogs are doing as her hubby told me about the monkeys that tease the dogs. This makes them bark and now the neighbours are complaining and we discuss bad neighbours and she tells me about an incident that happened to a friend’s moaning neighbour.
Hmmmmm I think maybe this was a veiled warning (LOL) apparently the neighbours were always fighting with each other. In desperation, her friend decided to get even. He consumed a few too many and then set about sabotaging the neighbours pool. He made Jensen violet bombs and used a catapult thing to shoot them into their pool.
The next morning he awoke with a huge hangover and this shrieking screaming noise from his neighbour. He went out onto the balcony to see what all commotion was about only to see his neighbour wearing his negligee and gesturing and cursing him.
He was sure he was seeing things until the neighbour stomped off in his fluffy pink high shoes to the pool and pointed out that his pool was now pink!
The neighbour looked at the pool and very quickly said, “Gosh I see you decided the pool needs to match your negligee and walked inside with great difficulty. The things people do when they have consumed too much alcohol. Of course, the victim knew who was responsible for the sabotage and of course, the suspect denied everything. To this day, the pool is still stained with pink!
I listened to Colleen telling me this and promised her to never cross her. We ended the call after sharing a few more laughs and I mentioned the cell phone incident with my boss, she giggled then quite cheekily said, Oh may I speak to Bern please…… burst out laughing and said bye. Giggle, I was telling my cousin about my telephone blunder this morning and she agrees with my idea of doing a video for Training sales People.
It will be entitled “Training on the Run” and the punch line will be. “Now you have watched the video and are amazed – your job is to go out and do exactly the opposite – this tape wills self destruct in 5 seconds. Please do not let this fall into our enemies hands, as they will try this on us!
Everyone thinks this is so funny. You try it, you be invisible and not important for a day and maybe you will understand why I feel so rejected. Our Customer Services Representative phoned yesterday and of course, I answered the phone. She said hello and before she could ask for Bern, I said, “Hello, let me guess – you need to speak to Bern,” she very pleasantly and sweetly said yes please.
I simply mumbled and handed the phone to Bern with a growl “It's for you AGAIN!” WHILE THEY WERE TALKING – I carried on mumbling to myself about being a telephone operator and I refuse to answer the phone not aware that Bern had stopped talking and Paul was listening to my ranting.
The phone rang about here minutes later and Bern rushed to answer the phone as this has created a real giggle here in the offices. Simple banter and fun, no stressor resentment – just a game.
Paula was phoning and she explained that she sat looking at her phone too scared to call back and have to ask for Bern, as she did not know how to soften the blow. Funny!!!!!!
THE DAY JUST GOT FUNNIER
My cousin explained how she can visualize me screaming at the navigator and I told her I need to find technology that actually responds and makes sense. Not like my phone. If I push a button on the side, it says “say a Command” now sometimes this button is pushed in error. I of course respond verbally and tell it- it is not needed, however there are times when driving that I give the phone verbal instructions. Not the go and get knotted instructions when it rings and I do not want to take the call. No when I want to phone someone;
So I press the button and it says, “Say a command” it responds with “did you say call Vernon when I have asked it to phone Bern. I tell it -it is an idiot and that I do not want to speak to Vernon and can it not understand Bern does not sound like Vernon and it responds ;
“Sorry command not recognized, try again!” I then blast it and it asks once again “Say a command!”
Stupid technical machines and I are mortal enemies!
I told my cousin that I have fired my Navigator man, employed Francis as my Navigator voice, and will feel quite happy to tell Francis to forcefully fly away as I toss it out the window.
I have this illness you see, it has not been diagnosed as yet, but when they do, they will recognize my symptoms – I talk to electrical and inanimate objects and I have tried to get them to talk back but to this day, I get no response. Gives new meaning to the song “I talk to the trees and that’s why they put me away! My cousin explained that the idea of a navigator talking back to me would be a scary thought indeed, as he would most certainly speak more sense than I would!
I was lamenting about feeling obsolete and forgotten and now to add insult to injury after last night’s two pieces of cake I am working on obese!
I mean what was the sales person from the Young Designers shop I was in yesterday thinking - when she asked me if I want a pair of cheeky shorts that expose the butt in my size. I will not be responsible for the next Frikin tidal wave. My cousin responded to this by commenting that she was surprised I did tell her, no thanks, this one is just perfect and will fit me like a dream. I’m off to the beach now to try them! Then see how she keeps a polite straight face!
I really need to get myself back into proper eating. However, the middle is increasing and the waste line shrinking so I look like those women who take off their corsets after wearing them forever. The waist is tiny with this huge bulge of a belly and now the rolls are coming around the top of the waste so I sit down and have an extra padding for the cats to sit on.
Those cheeky pair of shorts would not have fitted past my knee or ankle. My cousin suggested I go back to that shop and tell her you have changed my mind, I will take the size 8!
Picture it; I will be this obsolete obese woman wearing a pair of size 8 shorts on my ankle. These dimply white bumpy legs, walking with these sexy short, shorts strapped to the ankle as that is the only way I could possibly wear them. With this short tank top exposing my waist that is pulled in tightly by a newly bought corset and the rolls are pushing my ample bosom up under my chin. Oh and to top it off, I will don a pair of high silver shiny shoes to complete the picture. Knowing my wonderful hair, it will be doing it’s favourite thing and that is … exactly as it bloody pleases. So here it is,
Pineapple hairstyle, which looks like it is a bird’s nest or an animal, which has escaped from the zoo.
Short tank top style with strappy sleeves. Arms that do not look like arms but wings that threaten to take off at the first sign o f breeze.
Corset trying unsuccessfully to pull in the multiple rolls and extra kilos I now carry, skimpy shorts, dimply white legs in a pair of fish net stockings as I have been told these enhance the leg and make it look SAXY. With a size 8 pair of shorts taped to the ankle to be able to proudly announce I wore a size 8 pair of shorts and these high sparkly shoes. You think I will give Pamela Anderson a good run for her money?
This vision I put into my cousins head over MSN had her crying with laughter and she could not wait to remind me that she is the sane one of the family and angelic and a genius as well being older than me she at least has wisdom on her side. To which I promptly reminded her that I was still young enough to “Get Lucky” and she would always and forever be older than me!
Her response: eina, low blow.............oops, bad choice of words. The conversation went from bad to worse and I made comments about her sex life being so bad that it had been closed for demolitions – it was too far gone for reconstructing! Her reply
LRD says:
“No it’s so sad, It has been condemned!”
We chatted and I commented that she really makes a blue day funny and better and I thanked her for that. I should not have bothered her response cut me to the bone and I needed surgery to remove the dagger from my heart!
LRD says:
Next time you have a bad day, send me sms, and I will reply to Bern, that will make you feel really good, so day will just have to improve
Have you ever had that happen to you when someone leaves a message on you cell phone? They race off with their name and number and you of course do not have a pen at hand. So you replay it, write down what you catch or can remember, replay it a dozen times only to finally phone the number and realize it’s not the right number. Frustrating does not describe how I feel. I just give up trying and hope they will phone back.
If I ever lose my phone or am mugged while walking to a client and they take my phone. I will have to ask the mugger if he wouldn’t mind giving me my offices’ number and the use of my phone so I can ask to be rescued. What are the chances of this happening? Nil to Zero I hear you say. Well something similar happened to Bern’s Nephew.
They walked past him, held him up with a knife and demanded his iPod. Without thinking, he ran after them and said, no take my cell phone and give me back my iPod! Now this in itself sounds unbelievable, but what was unbelievable is the mugger did the swap. I think the mugger was a bit taken aback at the battering negotiations that happened.
If I had to try this, I know I would not be so successful – This is how my conversation would go
“Stop.... thief..... Please can I have the phone number before you run off with my bag etc...Ok thanks, can I just make a call please before you go...”
“Hi Bern? It’s me I am being mugged, but never mind, I am ok now. Please come and fetch me as my phone and everything has been stolen. No, I don’t know where I am, ask Francis my navigator. Ok bye, the guy really needs to go before you phone the cops. See you soon. Love you.”
Knowing my luck the mugger would take my navigator as well and I would really be in trouble. I would be sitting on the pavement bawling my eyes out and someone would take pity on this woman with a size 8 pair of shorts taped to her leg, with this skimpy top which is now obviously exposing more belly as I sit on the pavement. My fish net stocking would be laddered and that client who offered to “Pay” for my services would be the one who walks past and then runs in terror at this mascara-stained person who is howling in the middle of nowhere.
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