Our Ninja cat looking for a new home.
Description:
Temperament:
Loving, cute and has two personalities. Just hope you do not meet the Phantom of the Destructor.
Full of nonsense. Loves chewing feet while her victim sleeps the sleep of the innocent. Then sleeps all day to recover from nightly attacks on her owners.
Laughs from her place of refuge as she perches watching to see if her victims are asleep again to launch into her next attack
Qualifications:
Price: NIL
Indemnity paper swearing that we will not be held responsible for damages incurred while she is in one of her moods
Apply within!
This is an advert I am tempted to place on the Internet. I swear if Mofo was not so adorable, I would so be tempted to place the advertisement! However, suffice to say, baring the blood curdling screams that escape my mouth in the early hours of the morning, she is quite safe and has a safe secure home here until Mat finds his own place in Johannesburg. (I am counting the minutes never mind the days!)
I woke up this morning with her attached to my leg and gleefully ripping it apart with her back paws as her front paws held on for a tighter grip. She then wiggled her bottom, did the look at me with this evil glint in her eyes, and dug her teeth into my big toe.
I was too scared to move and equally too scared not to move. I very quickly shot up into a sitting position, which is virtually impossible at my unfit age. I bent over to grab her and plucked each claw out of my tender bleeding leg. She thought this was part of the game and hung onto my arm. For her this was great fun, for me… NOT SO MUCH HEY!
Now if this was the first time she had done it, I would not really have room to complain, but she decided that Saturday was not going to be a sleep in late day for me. At 4.30am she decided that my toes that wriggle while I sleep were teasing her (I have been told I twitch my toes and I have not proof to offer to refute this claim) – she jumped onto my foot and held on for dear life and decided it was this vile intruder (my soft size 4 foot) and needed to be killed.
Bern awoke to my Owwww! Owwwww get it off me Get it off me scream. She shot up out of bed ready to karate chop whatever was attacking me. I fumbled for the light switch to see her doing her Jackie Chan stance, well a combination of The Charlie’s Angels attack stance and Jackie Chan stance. Her hair was all over the place and her right eyebrow was on alert. Quite a frightening sight all on its own... did this deter Mofo. Not on your life, Mofo took this to be a signal to go into extreme attack mode and my toes were simply prawns to her very sharp teeth.
Bern gracefully pulled Mofo off my foot and she sprang onto my bottom, which was barely covered by the duvet. A Second shrill scream escaped my mouth, I asked Bern to see how deep the cuts were, and did we have to rush off to the hospital for stitches and blood transfusions? Bern then grabbed Mofo and unceremoniously put her down on the chairs we have in our room for our animals and without even an Ahhhh Shame baby, are you ok?- she climbed back into bed and called me a Drama Queen. I lay there with this throbbing remains of a foot, felt the deep abrasions on my ass, and wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all.
Sunday morning, Mofo did the same thing; however, I thought I was safe, as I had wrapped my feet in the duvet. Stupid me, this only made my feet a trapped target and I now need new heels and a pedicure to undo her version of a pedicure. I have mentioned before that I am not into body piercing and have this intense fear of needles so I cannot explain my love of cats as they have 5 versions of needles called claws for piercing all rolled into a furry bundle of torture.
This morning, I thought I was safe as Bern was already in the bath and had fed the cats and petted them good morning. She gets up very early for the drivers and Mofo was distracted in the bathroom chasing the bath mat and pulling the towels off the towel rail and generally having a great time. Clearly this was not good enough for her and she believed my heart needed the aerobics start up again. Deep in slumber land, I was dreaming of how I was going to tell the boss I was too ill, tired, fat, and lazy or whatever excuse I could come up with to not go to work. (Which in itself is bloody ridiculous as I work from home, but I did so not want to wake up, )when…
Mofo flew out of the darkness and decided my ankle was breakfast. Cannibal Cat I tell you. I very quickly froze and slowly looked to see what she was doing after I found the light switch after knocking the lamp onto the floor. Her red eyes shone back at me as the light from the floor made them glow red and insane.
She was so annoyed at my interruption, looked away from me, and decided the ankle was just too tasty a morsel to listen to my shrieks of NO MOFO let go. I threw Bern’s pillow at her and she gave me one more flying zap for good measure and stalked off to the bedroom to report me.
I waddled, limped to the bathroom to show Bern my war injuries, blood covered my foot and I was still unsteady and still blind from sleep. I showed her my foot, only for her to show me her injury. Mofo had zapped her on the calf and her injury was longer and deeper than mine was and I should be grateful I was not in the bath feeling the shooting searing pains of the water against the scratches. So much sympathy, such compassion!. I turned around, ignored Mofo’s attempts to wind herself around my legs lovingly as if there was nothing wrong, climbed back into bed and covered my feet with pillows.
And the day proceeded to be a day of injuries.
Quite innocently, I was talking to Bern and she wheeled her chair over to my desk and rode over my two little toes! I am now sporting a broken second toe – okay it is blue and my tiny little toe resembles a radish!
I have tied to claim workmen’s compensation but I have been told I am once again a drama Queen and workmen’s compensation does not cover STUPID!
There I was walking with one foot in my work shoe, which is 2inchs high and the injured one was shoeless. Bern tried to look at my toes and I growled at her to stay away as I was holding my foot in my shaking hand. Too scared to look at it, as I know the only way I could have a toe replacement is if a hobbit was available to offer her toes for a transplant as I have the smallest toes ever given to a human, and G forbid I am not going to walk around with the hairy toes that hobbits have. I mean I have seen Lord of the Rings and I would rather have no toes than have pubic hairs growing on my feet. Have they not heard of waxing or hair laser therapy!
Speaking of which, why do eyebrows (not Bern’s mean looking one – although I have tried to tweeze hers for her but she wakes up to see me armed with my tweezers and threatens to kill me) grow so long. There is always that one that grows quickly and is longer than any eyebrow should be. When you remove it, you are left with a bald spot in your otherwise perfectly shaped eyebrow – and I am sure this eyebrow is attached to your sphincter muscles, because as you pull it, you almost ---- yourself. It is the longest hair on the body I tell you and it is made of steel and is embedded with super glue and tungsten screws!
I now have red scratches on my toe, my ankle, a new shaped heel and a bald patch on my eyebrow. My week can only improve!
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