My life, the roller coaster of unfortunate events!

Last Blog for the year 2009

While driving home last night we were on the highway and one of those large transport trucks was carrying new vehicles to their final destination and I was reminded of a college of mine who was stranded with two flat tyres.

He had not been on the side of the road for very long pondering his situation when a tow truck pulled up and offered to help him get his vehicle home.He was quite relieved as no one carries two spare wheels. So the tow truck guy loaded his vehicle onto the back on his truck and off they went.

About 5 kms from his home and car drove past them flashing his light s and waving and hooting for them to pull over.

In South Africa this not something you do, so the tow truck driver carried on driving until the other vehicle pulled up in front of him and forced him to stop.

Both Andre and the tow truck guy got out the vehicle expecting some sort of robbery or high jacking attempt.

The driver of the other vehicle was quite out of breath and extremely excited. He was stuttering with the effort to speak. Eventually he asked “Were you towing a Car, a white Opel? To which Andre replied, "What do you mean, Were you towing a white Opel?"

He turned around expectantly to show the other driver that they were indeed towing his car, only to find that there was in fact no vehicle on the back of the tow truck.

He stood there in absolute amazement, doing the fish out of the water look? And kept on repeating W T F, W T F, to which the driver said, well your vehicle is about 15kms down the road. “I was driving along minding my own business when your car rolled off the back of the vehicle and I had to do some very professional dodging as your car rolled off towards me at quite a speed, and is now in an embankment.

Listening to Andre tell the story it was actually quite funny, however it could have had quite dire consequence. The cost of two tyres now turned into a vehicle being written off. No wonder the driver of the other vehicle was quite shaken by the experience.

This is pretty much how I feel about this year. I have been dodging flying obstacles and have somehow managed to miss the head on collisions that have been almost comical in their nature however just as devastating at times. Thank goodness for the moments of personal joy and laughter my friends and family have brought me. The little mishaps that make life bearable and release the pressure of a very busy times and quite often exhausting time.

My girls have given me reason to smile and laugh on their visits, my son has been a constant supply of anecdotes’ and they have been very forthcoming with their escapades and silly moments. Light relief yes but very much needed.
I of course seem to be a magnet for the ridiculous and strange occurrences. I swear I am begging to re-think my belief that there are no aliens on earth.

Two days ago, I am waiting in the bank with Bern for all of 1 hour 20 minutes as happens at this time of the year. I left the bank several times to wander around the mall only to return and see the queue had not moved. Two tellers were on duty and I could feel my blood pressure rising especially after the last 10 weeks and adding to my frustrations is this need for strangers to tell me their life history. I swear I have therapist tattooed on my head, or I do give a damn, share with me.

Within two minutes of me re-entering the bank - I had this arbitrary lady telling me her life history and asking me if I had brought a sleeping bag to sleep in the bank as the queue was just not moving. I looked at her in astonishment. Of the 50 people or so in the bank she chose to speak to me?

I was told about the stranded people at the airports, and next thing she was sharing her Christmas plans and I stood there and said to myself “Like I really care? And why pick me? And Please stop, it’s hot and I really don’t feel like listening?

I would have thought the highly annoyed look on my face would have kept even the bravest person away from me….. but no she babbles off and I am then told that she is going in for an operation and that this is a very difficult time for her and I nod and smile (grimace) and ask the powers in the heavens “Why me Lord” After what seemed like an eternity of listening to her jabber on, she is finally helped by one of the banks assistants and I sigh a sigh of relief.

Only to have the next person in the queue decide I need to hear about how long they have been waiting to be served and land up being drawn into a conversation about service levels and how the customer is treated so badly. Eventually a manager is called for and I listen to the Teller Supervisor tell the client who was complaining bitterly that she has been standing in the queue for 30 minutes and it had not moved.

Now I am passionate about service levels as this is my industry, I expected the Bank supervisor to be sympathetic and offer some sort of explanation or apology, only to hear the Supervisor explain in a voice that could only be described as disdainful. “Deal with it Lady, we don’t plan for the end of the year rush.”


I stood there and watched in amazement at the absolute lack of care, concern or even commitment from this bank and wanted to start yelling at the top of my voice “STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF!”

This then got me started, I mean by now we were waiting for the cheque to be cleared and it was already over an hour we had been standing the queue. So on the top of my voice I said to the customer who was complaining about being there for 30 minutes that we had been standing in the queue for 1 hour 20 minutes and she was not to expect anything from the Supervisor as this bank clearly does not care, if fact we would have been served quicker if we were in a government building.

Bern watched me with a wary eye as she knows how I become when I have just had it. The little fox terrier in my takes over and I start to rant and rave and by the time I was finished explaining the lack of service and how the banks do not care as they are in fact the controller of OUR money, everyone in the queue was ready to join me in My TOY TOY (strike) and in my minds eye could see a few of them doing the typical south African style of dancing as they strike and riot.

I am sure the staff of the bank were very happy to see me leave as I was about to be escorted off the premises for starting a riot I as I had started the unrest in their eyes. I just shake my head in amazement that in this technical time we all live in and the striving for service excellence, we are still held hostage to the small minded people who control our money and they know we will not leave the bank and never shop there again as they have our finances and we are hostage to their lack of concern and they just don’t give a damn attitude!

As I said this has not been the best year for me and my nerves are shot and my fuse very short. However the other day without meaning to - I entertained the staff where I work, I had one of those comical moments which can only be described as something out of a slap stick movie.

I was carrying the coffee cups to the front offices, when my jeans decided right there and then to slip down. I am either losing weight (NOT) or the universe has decided I need to be the BUTT of all jokes. I felt them slip past my hips and rest on my thighs.

I stood there and called for Bern to help, expecting her to take the coffee cups from my hands, but she decided it would be easier just to pull my pants up for me. Well I felt like one of those babies who sit in their bouncy chair you connect to a doorway; as she lifted me up with such enthusiasm – with the effort she was using to pull my pants up; I now had my jeans sitting under my chin!

All of this has been captured on the security camera and I keep on expecting to see my butt displayed on U –Tube. I really need to do some serious Kama work and give it back to the universe as these Magical moments (NOT) have to stop happening to me or I am sure I will land up in an asylum for the insane!

That being said, I think I should have been committed years ago, but no one has had the courage to tell me, or they enjoy the spectacle I make of myself. I turned around to see who was watching and to my horror the drivers and assistants had witnessed the whole thing and had the pleasure of seeing my Plumber’s Crack! I bowed and smiled and then locked myself in my office until they had gone out on their daily deliveries.

My life, the roller coaster of unfortunate events!

The 7 dwarfs!

We have been having such a wonderful time getting to know the puppies and although they are beyond noisy, their little personalities are really coming out.

The puppies are almost ready to find homes. Beast is staying and he is already worming his way into our hearts. He leopard crawls on the floor and has discovered Bern’s toes. Now you do not touch Bern’s toes ever, but Beast is blissfully unaware of this and he nibbles and bites her toes and Bern goes into that Constipated look once again. She seems to want to perfect the look!

Beast is soft and fluffy and quite timid. He does not realize that he is actually one of the biggest pups and the steps are a real challenge for him. He can just walk off them but as their eye sight is still not 100 percent he sits there and cries for help. When you pick him up he automatically snuggles into your neck ad falls asleep. This little boy is a lover not a fighter. Bern keeps on telling him he had better toughen up as she kisses him and cuddles him.

Toffee seems to be the adventurous one. We move them to the laundry room area in the day and she is the own trying to jump out of her enclosure every night and when we put them on the large washing basket we use to transport them back and forth she desperately tries to climb out. She got it right the other night and fell out. Bern was devastated but these animals have guardian angels and she was not harmed just a little shaken. (Shaken not stirred!!) She seems to be a bit of a loner and has distinct traits that come from her mom. Gentle little soul and is a natural born leader. She is drawn to people and settles down to sleep on the floor where we sit in the kitchen. Her little head between her paws, quite content to be part of the family.

Goliath is the very noisy very cheeky and very brave one of the group. He is small in size but big in courage. Sarah is in love with him and has begged me to keep him until she has a place she can keep him, no such luck in the foreseeable future unfortunately. He shows no fear and jumps off the kitchen step as if he is bungee jumping. Geronimo! Bungee! Quite the adrenalin seeker. He barks the loudest, makes his presence known, is the first one to attack your legs, toes, hands, trousers and he is the last one to let go.


Buddha is the gentle giant and his colouring is changing to a brown velvet colour and his favourite place is the food bowl. He is even tempered and not much of a fighter, which makes him a target for the other puppies – but his good nature, seems to get him through these tumbles. He will be play fighting and pulling on my trousers and then fall into a deep sleep – forgetting to let go of the trousers and lands up being dragged while he sleeps. I can just see him meditating on his mountain and falling asleep in that position. His temperament will be perfect for a granny needing companionship and a foot rest!

Lady Gwenèvea is every bit a lady when it suites her. She starts the fights but screams for help when it becomes a bit rough. In fact she starts the fight and is always found at the bottom of the rumble. We have live wrestling games going on in our bedroom. You can almost hear her saying, “Watch the hair buddy!” or “I have just done my nails." She and beast are the fluffy ones of the batch and she is going to be a magnificent looking dog. With her perfect little black shield inside her white blaze on her chest/stomach.


Piglet is the splitting image of his dad. He has that wonderful lean body and is a born leader. He loves the rough and tumbles and is the last one asleep and the first one screaming for food. He really is living up to his name. When you approach him, he does that puppy crouch and then pounces on you – but his aim is not quite right yet and he misses his target. I swear I can hear him giggle at himself with the abandonment of the innocent. This little boy really needs to go to a family with young kids or a jogger who will tire him out and give him the exercise he craves. I love his spirit and his determination to climb to the top of the heap in their wrestling matches. Not a defeatist, definitely a winner and he will thrive on training and routine.

Big Bertha originally Espresso falls asleep in the food bowl and has no problem being covered in porridge. She is a quite happy to just be the trampoline for her brothers and sisters. Well she is the mother of the group, she licks and cleans her siblings, disciplines them and then plops herself down for a sleep as the effort is just too much. I can see her being the Nanny from Peter Pan with her little Nanny outfit, hat and all and she will not mind being dressed up and treated like a baby but if the need arises she will take control and admonish who ever needs to be put back on the straight and narrow. Big Bertha - Our little Sheppard herding the puppies away from danger.

Our home, the urban Jungle. I really have to make an appointment with a shrink as I am a bugger for punishment! Rich explained it this way; your mom and Bern are the perfect people to heal broken people and broken animals. Such kind words and I hope his faith in us is rewarded.

Our little Zoo

On Sunday as I sat on my couch and reflect on the week past and the pressure I felt and the near madness I experienced. The physical bruises are evident of just how difficult it was, I tried to type my blog and I wondered how I ever managed to survive the onslaught of freight; mad land lords, unreasonable clients and the rain. It has rained for 4 weeks solid and this most certainly has not lifted the spirits.

I had no time for my girls and friends which really devastated me and instead of enjoying the challenge - I was picking fights with all the people I love and adore. I even reached the pint of distancing myself from everyone as I just could not cope anymore.

Sunday was a very hot day here in Durban and no matter where I sat or what I did to relieve the heat I was melting and Bern was working once again, however I was determined to relax and enjoy the day. We managed to catch up on the washing which was a task all by itself as the puppies now have the run of the court yard.

They nip quite hard and pull on your track pants with the ferocity of a pit bull, but a pit bull without power. Before you know it they are flying across the court yard as you take a step and they believe this is part of the game. They are very cute and cuddly and I will miss them when they finally find new homes. There is one thing I have failed to mention that we have new additions to our crazy family.


Kittens! Not just any kittens, wild kittens. We started with three but unfortunately one was somehow hurt and had to be taken to the vet to be put out of his misery. I say he, but we are really not sure of the sex as we cannot get close to the kittens. Now you are asking yourself, (of this I am absolutely sure), what were we thinking. Well in truth we weren’t thinking. These babies were born into the freight world at the other depot.

Their introduction to life was being born among pallets, and boxes, and terrible diesel fumes and chaotic noise and very dangerous play environment. I had mentioned earlier to our friend Val that I would like a play mate for Monster Kitty but had not got around to finding one yet.

Well the words were hardly out my mouth when we received a sms advising us that the people at the other depot had managed to catch the three kittens and we needed to come and fetch them. What could I say, well many things spring to my mind actually like?

“Are you totally insane, three kittens – um no thanks”
“Are you sure you have the right number?”
“Can you count; I said I want one kitten?”
“No thanks – I am happy with what we have!”

Well none of these answers came out of my mouth when I telephoned the depot. I said, "We will be there after work on Saturday." I agreed because I am a sucker for animals, and a sucker for punishment. These are kittens were born wild and we all know that wild kitten become wild cats, but as I saw it, at least they would be out of danger. Or so I thought, the Tabby managed to get out the house and we cannot explain how the baby got hurt – I think possibly a car hit it because if a dog had got hold of it the evidence would have been apparent.

Well we have had them for almost as long as we have had the puppies. They arrived the weekend after they were born. I have not mentioned them before now as I have been too busy trying to survive the other challenges in my very busy life.

We have not really named them; Calico seems to have stuck for the Calico cat and Ginger for the Ginger cat. I am assuming that the Calico is a girl and the Ginger and white calico is also a girl, but who knows. After spending weeks in one bedroom, they ventured out into the passages and the second bedroom until they decided that in the spirit of Christmas they wanted to be Santa’s little helpers.

After Tabby was injured, they were very nervous and climbed into the chimney by the fire place. Well it had taken at least two weeks for them to clean up after the warehouse environment ; they were actually looking like kittens all clean and beautiful. In the space of three seconds they were sooty and we could not tell one apart from the other. It took a whole day and night to entice them out the chimney and they decided to move rooms to what we call Caity’s room- even though Cait moved to Johannesburg at the end of July. Their other apartment (LOL ) is Sarah’s room for when she stays.

Well it has not taken them long to establish that the place to be - the room everyone wants to be in and seems to delight in – is actually our room. Monster is not impressed at this invasion and even though we are no closer to touching them, they no longer hiss at us and they have pretty much taken over Monster’s twine chest of drawers. I have placed a cushion in one of the drawers and this is now their boudoir and they love it.

The other night, I felt this little bit of extra weight on my feet. Calico had decided she also wanted to sleep on the bed. I opened my eyes, peeped at her and froze. I was not going to scare her as I have become quite attached to my toes and having no medical aid deiced that it was safer just to wait until the little girl either fell asleep or found another victim to terrorize. Monster was absolutely disgusted. She snuggled up in my arms and hissed and meowed in disgust, hoping that I would chase the intruder away. No chance of that, this kitten may be no bigger than a 500gram sugar but, I was not going to tempt fate and become a shredded version of my former self.

Two days later, Ginger decided that she needed to share my pillow. Now this time I really got a fright. One minute I was asleep the next I was staring into the eyes of death. They eyes of death with the face of an angel and Bat ears. This is one staring match I did not mind losing as I closed my eyes and went into deep prayer. I have been called stupid and an idiot in this last week, but believe me when I tell you…. “I am not a total blithering idiot” I know when to keep still and wait until death passes over.

These two babies are warming up to us and now follow us around the house to see what we are up to even tough we are always surrounded by the dogs and Monster has become my shadow. They know no fear and are the tenders of the house now. Hopefully it won’t be long before we can touch them and make friends. However this has not stopped them touching us. The other night Bern was reading her book when a shriek left her mouth as Ginger was dangling off her hand. This was quite a precarious situation as we try not to scare them, but how do you extract your hand from the claws of death without giving them even more reason to cling on for dear life.

The expression of agony on her face can only be described as someone attempting to mime the look or constipation. No sounds came out of her mouth and I looked at her in confusion until she managed to whisper “ I have a kitten hanging off my hand and I am too terrified to move” Ginger just carried on attacking her had as if she was destroying her prey, oblivious to the paid she was inflicting on poor Bern’s hand. Thank goodness she was distracted by Monster and ran back to her new bed in the twine chest.

Jinx seems to be their special target as she is quite curious and they dive bomb her and run away. Like terrible twins they work in sync and you can almost see the glee in their faces as they plot their revenge on their next victim. There favourite play thing is Bernadette’s shoes and her trousers which she leaves lying next to the bed. You know – gravity undresses her and this is now their “hide and seek” play camp.

Trying to catch them when we move is our next challenge and this one I will leave up to Mathew and Bern. That Brave I am not.

We now have three dogs 7 puppies and although I had agreed to give the kittens a home, I was not prepared for this.

But being the soft hearted animal lovers that Bern and I are we dutifully went along with Val’s plan and have forsaken any chance of ever being sane again. They are adorable long haired kittens and I long to be able to hold them and love them. But for now Bern and I will give them the time they need. I believe they will settle down and realize that they now belong to two very deranged animal lovers and hopefully they will give me more material for my blogs. However right now they are huddled up in our room and getting used to the silence and new home.

Life is a challenge and I believe these little furry creatures have been given to us to teach us patience, love and adoration. I know, you sitting there and wondering if I am in charge of my life or if in fact my animals are in charge of my life. Well it all depends on how much sleep I have had!!

Humour in the work place

My work environment is just as complicated as my life it seems. Let me start with this week. I explained earlier how busy it gets at this time of the year and my office is off the side of the warehouse. I sit there busy with all my capturing and costing and placing collections. I hear the noise of the fork lift but do not really pay much attention.

It was only when Bern needed to come into my office that I saw I had been barricaded in my office. The workers had moved the tables they use to sort their waybills out across my door. Now this was not such a big challenge as I am sure you are thinking but they had then packed the boxes against the desks and I was trapped in my office.

As funny as it may have looked, Bern was not impressed and in a split second she had the boxes moved and my door cleared for me. I sat their and wondered what would have happened if she was outside on the fork lift loading the boxes into the containers and I needed to leave my office in a hurry. I need to bring grappling gear to work.

The other day I was filling my “Processed” stamp and before I knew it my hands were covered in this awful pink stamp ink. My desk was covered in it and my hands were a disgrace. I braved the boxes to go to the ladies and no matter how I tried there was no ways I was going to gain entrance into the kitchen or bathroom. I walked to Bern’s office and told her she needed to follow me.

We have been quite stressed out at work and have had a few altercations in our business dealings with our two companies and words have been spoken in harsh tones and the pressure has been getting to us. It got so bad at one time, that Bern told me to watch my tone of voice! I was mortified and realized that I had over stepped the boundaries of work and our relationship. I walked off and was highly offended and upset and decided that this just was not worth it. So when I asked her to accompany me she was sure I was going to moan about a service failure once again. When she saw that the kitchen and bathroom areas was totally blocked off she though this was quite funny and barked instructions that the staff need to clear a path for me to the kitchen area. “Common Guys, what you think you are doing – Michelle Needs to use the bathroom!” Why not announce it to the world Bern! If it’s not the toilet being disconnected from the wall as happened when I first moved in, I now have to fight the boxes to find the ladies!

I have also had the delight of going to the ladies, only to find my path blocked on the way out. I stood there shaking my head and try as I might there was just no way out. It is for this very reason that I keep cell phone with me to call for help. I rang Bern on her Cell phone and she answered “Very Funny – is this the only way you can get my attention?” as she is always on the phone- to which I responded “No actually I would like to be let out of the ladies and would appreciate some assistance!”

She had no clue what I was talking about and I had to explain that I was trapped in the ladies. It is very hard to have a conversation when the person on the other side of the phone sounds like a hyena that has just found the mother load and is inviting the world to join in their discovery. When she finally managed to control herself she barked instructions for the boxes to be moved once again. I swear the workers have it in for me and watch my every move – just waiting for the chance to trap me and “Box me in!” Trying to find my way back to the office is also a challenge.


It is also very amusing trying to find Bern on the floor as I have to follow her voice, and I do the climb over boxes, through boxes between pallets and stock. Reminds me of Jack -Jack Flash your light or Hide and Seek – but not as enjoyable.

We had this friend who one day got it into her head that she could drive the fork lift. Now this piece of equipment is not for the use of imbeciles. She was past annoyed on this particular day and had decided that she had had enough of the excuses of why her freight was not being loaded for her client that she deiced to take control and load it her self.

This almost 6ft blonde Amazon climbed onto the fork lift and like a warrior goddess charged the fork lift in the direction of the Operations manager. The evidence of her rage is still in the walls as she rode into the wall and it now has two distinct holes where the forks went through the dry wall.

I offered to help Bern the other day on the fork lift. Once she had gained her composure, and was able to talk without collapsing into this fit of uncontrollable laughter which became a magnet for more laughter, she explained that Fork Lifts were not designed for people of my stature. At least she did not have the cheek or courage to call me short or a Hobbit as I swear I would have flown across the boxes like a witch in flight and throttled her.

Although I must admit I did see her point as I know that reaching the peddles would have been quite a challenge for me. One of the guys on the floor offered to find wooden pieces I could attach to my shoes but then added that even stilts would not help me. These people think they are comedians! I on the other hand think they are just plain rude!

One of the drivers at our previous job was so busy driving the fork lift and moving the freight around he misjudged a wall which was a divider about 1 and a ½ metre high. He drove into the wall, the wall fell over and he climbed off the fork lift and ran to the taxi rank and refused point blank to return to work!

This industry is very challenging and stressful and has moments of absolute madness. I still ask myself why on earth I chose this to be my career – but there are times when it is extremely rewarding and a lot of fun. We have always managed to find the humour in even the worst and most challenging situations. Like the other day, the trailer was being loaded and the packers did not think of the laws of gravity as they merrily placed more and more boxes into the trailer. Before they knew it the trailer had tipped like a see saw and they were sprawled at the bottom of the trailer with the boxes yelling for help.

Everyone rushed out and they with a lot of bodies who had lost control and were rolling on the loading bay with fits of laughter with Bern shouting instructions they finally managed to balance the trailer and continued to load the boxes in. This industry does have its moments of sheer anger and frustrations but we do find humour in the strangest places.

I will continue to ask myself why I am doing this and hopefully I will find the answers, but until then I will walk the walk of the hopeful and never give up hope. I have put in a request for a flag to be placed above my office so I don’t wonder around the office looking for the entrance to my office.

Time to Lighten the mood

Time to lighten the mood

After the months passed, and asking myself over and over again what am doing in Durban I have decided its time to do the BENJAMIN Franklin exercise as to what is really important and what are just irritations, Last week I actually wrote a “letter” to myself entitled the reasons I am going to resign. Now I had no intention of ever sending this to my boss but I have found in the past that if you write it down and send it out to the universe so to speak you do feel the release of all the frustrations and anger and jealousy and resentment and brings one back to reality. Yes there are decisions to be made and there are issues that need to be addressed, but the picture is not as bleak as one thinks when you are knee deep in freight and unable to move after an injury incurred during this fiasco of the Silly Season.

“Silly seasons” is what we call this time of the year in the distribution season, I think me we need to call it the season of Madness and Destruction. To put this into perspective I need to give a brief (if I only knew how to be brief) overview to the lead up to this period of Madness.

The freight volumes increase by a minimum of 25% because of the increased orders for the Christmas panic buying. For one day of the year, we humans seem to lose control of our sense of judgment and instead of budgeting for one lavish meal and one family get together, we seem to think that the shops will never open again and that the need to re-decorate, renovate, re-invent our lives for one day is not only imperative, it is necessary and has to be achieved against all odds.

All these preparations are done in the hopes of providing a day that is perfect and will be the “Best Christmas” ever. Only to do this once again next year. Some of us seem to fall into this trap every year and never learn from our mistakes. We have changed our way of looking at this day in the past years and yes we do make it as special as possible and share the day with our loved ones. The difference is we have decided the day needs to be about family and memories rather than gifts and impressing the guests or family visitors from afar. We introduced two rules for buying gifts. The immediate family chooses one member of the family to buy for. We decide on a fixed amount that is to be spent on the gift and then the task is made so much easier. Instead of buying 5 or 25 gifts depending on the size of the family, you are tasked with buying one gift. This certainly reduces the stress of choosing a present and is much easier on the pocket.

For the big inevitable family lunches or dinners we have come up with an ingenious plan for presents. Each person is tasked with buying one gift only. This gift has a limit on the price. We then wrap the gifts and they are all put under the tree or on a designated table. When the meals are over, we all pick a number. The numbers amount to the amount of people present at the table. 1 – 15 for example. You chose the gift you want and even though the rules specify that you are not allowed to hide the gift once you have opened it, everyone tries to hide their gift if they are pleased with their choice. During this time the wine flows and the Breezers and the beers and spirits flow and we become more festive as the evening wears on. Giggles and ridiculous behavior is shared by all.

Now number 1 is the unlucky one because she or he cannot swap the gift, however number 15 can pick and choose from all the other 14 gifts that have been chosen. So number two can only swap with number one, number three with number one and two and so forth. There is always that one gift that everyone wants and number 15 is King so to speak. One thing to remember is there is no such thing as respect for your elders or for parents, in this exchange of gifts there is great laughter and teasing and a little bit of rivalry. ....Ok a lot of rivalry. I learnt the hard way one year as I traded with Bern’s mom and took away her gift. I was playfully ostracized by the family and in revenge the next person took it away from me…which in itself was even funnier as I had chose and beaded necklace and bracelet and one of the male cousins took it to prove a point. He wore the necklace with glee and this just added to the spirit of the events and inevitably we played 30 Seconds.

These trips down memory lane inspire me to actually get up and go to work.

I have made up my mind to look back to the past for inspiration and a reason to laugh at life again. So this is my giggle moment.

Like the time I was making the dog food for the week and had placed it in the fridge for the dogs that evening. On the way home I decided I had better tell Bern to advise Mathew that the food in the plastic container was in fact not left overs but the dog food which consisted of hearts, livers, off cuts and kidneys. I add pasta to make the meal stretch and to give the animal’s added nutrition.

As I was talking to Bern, she passed the message onto Mathew and I over heard him say “Thank God, I thought mom had lost her ability to cook!” This was the end of my driving skills; I could not see the road for the tears running down my face as I lost control of my laugh button. It turns out after warming up the food and testing it, only to find it quite bland and disgusting he added Tomatoe Sauce to make it more palatable. After another attempt of eating this meal he decided to add mayonnaise. Fortunately Bern had advised him that it was actually the dog food. Now in his defense the pasta did look quite appealing but he now asks if the foods is for human consumption before he warms up any left overs in the fridge. I now understand Rich’s refusal to eat any left overs!

Then there was the time Mathew needed to use my alarm on my pone as he wanted to wake up to study before his exam, we dutifully set the alarm and he tootled off to bed. Come early morning time, he storms into my room and throws my phone on the bed and in exclaims as only Mathew can in a voice close on breaking as he was just hitting puberty. That break in the voice makes it sound like a turkey crossed crow crossed bear, “Some Idiot keeps on trying to phone you!”

I sleepily look at the phone see no missed calls and suddenly the phone start squawking loudly, beep beep beep, …….its the l alarm Mathew set and in his sleep he was trying to answer the phone. And this is a reoccurring alarm every 10 minutes. Well that started our day with a smile and a few deep stomach guffaws.

It was obvious that no pre-swotting was done before the exam.

Puberty is such a fun time for boys isn’t it. I have no idea why nature decided that this has to be the most embarrassing time in a boy’s life when in fact all he wants is to be invisible as he embarks on his journey into high school. He is now the tiny fish after being the Big Fish and in Mathews case the King in junior school. Although in the time between junior school and high school had had grown at least 3 hem sizes so the trouser we bought for high school no longer fitted and our budget did not allow for a new set of trousers. So in desperation I sewed on false hems but he still looked like John Travolta with his trouser not long enough to hide the shoes! Not so cool for his first day at school feeling quite out of place.

While still in junior school the body undergoes certain changes and Mathew came through to the lounge to share is great disappointment. He had actually been quite proud of himself when he thought that certain areas were changing into man-hood, only to find out that the “Hair he had found” was in fact a hair left over from Sarah in the bath. He was bitterly disappointed and true to his nature could not wait to share the events with us. Mathew has never been shy or afraid to make himself the centre of some ridiculous situation.

Mathew is the clown of the family and he enjoys a good laugh just like the next person, even if he is the reason we are rolling around on the floor laughing uncontrollably. However after the week I have had it has been a little bit of sunshine to see the lighter side of life. However his instinct to protect his mom is very much in the forefront and my land lord can be very grateful he did not pitch at the house after his very abusive and uncalled for threats.


He would have had to face Mathew and Bern and the security company, I think he realized he had over stepped the boundaries of the law and knew I would not hesitate to take the matter further.

Oh the joys of life and the frustrations are part and parcel of what we face every day. Thank goodness for the happy moments we all experience which can be used to lighten any difficult time.

After the month I have had - dont push the Hobbit

AFTER THE MONTH I HAVE HAD, don’t push the Hobbit!

This week started with a disagreement with Jinx, as she refuses to feed her puppies as they are now biting her – which means Bern and I now do pajama patrol during the evening making them porridge and giving them watered down warm milk.

They are absolutely adorable. We have re-named one of them and called him Beast as he is a typical looking Lab puppy and it’s hard to believe he came from Jinx as he is almost pure black like coal, but as a Nike splash on his chest. So he is now our Rugger bugger. South Africa’s Beast comes from Zimbabwe originally and is A Sharks Player, so we named our beast after him. Runt – Goliath is still the biggest growler and barker of the group. He started growling at 3 days old. In fact his version of squealing was growling.

Lady Genève was not too impressed though this morning. Buddha was so excited to get fed his warm porridge he ran into the bowl and caused a tidal wave and this wave broke onto her Ladyships face. Then the other pups proceeded to lick her like she was this lolly pop. Oh how undignified…. She really was not impressed and the other pups thought his was just part to the breakfast feast.

So apart from doing the doggy food patrol, we have to transport 8 puppies from inside to outside and vices versa. What little precious time we have at home is seriously in danger of becoming less and less to the point of disappearing all together.

Well I can handle animals and their lovely cuddly quirks but what I cannot handle is people who feel they can bully and use Gestapo tactics to reach their goals. In fact this last month has opened my eyes in quite a number of ways…. Be that as it may. My sweet wonderful (NOT) land lady has been playing a very clever game with the electricity account. To make this a short story, the final result is she has not paid 6 months minimum of the rates and taxes and expects me to cough up R7000 to settle the electricity account as they have threatened to switch my electricity off. Her reason, she does not have the money. So my solution, I will settle it, you don’t get rent this month. Oh well the war has begun and let the best woman win.. Now here is where I really get to smile!!!

There was an envelope put on my back door last night with the complete bill for the last 8 months…which is against our agreement as she is not allowed to enter the premises without previous arrangement. I was not too worried about that as I have nothing to hide. But I do object to her having access to the premises when we were told that they do not have keys to the house or electric gate.

Well this morning I received a call from our security company to advise the alarm has gone off. Well I rightly or wrongly I thought it was Madam Landlady going to try and change the locks or something sinister. So I gave them instructions to arrest the people there and no matter what they said - they were intruders and were to be taken to the police station. Let’s see her try and explain why she was breaking into my house!!!!!!!!

So don’t be deceived - I may be a hobbit and may look like I don’t bite, but revenge is sweet and even if I have to swallow the bitter pill of moving again at the end of the month I am sitting here with a grin imagining Madam Land lady trying to explain her situation and I will let her sweat in jail if that is in fact where she is. I have not had feedback from the security company if in fact it was this Madam who set my alarm off but it still gives me pause to smile. The evil twin does come out to play every now and then.

Speaking of evil twins, my girls’ are 4 years apart however they should be twins in personality at times… when they get together they manage to plot evil deeds and share stories with us that makes our hair turn grey - I am sure the egg split and one stayed behind for an appearance four years later. We were chatting about the mischief people get up to when they think no one is looking They work together and I am sure they drive the managers batty with their private language that only sisters have. Eventually their boss told them to please talk English as he is getting a head ache. Which of course just made them giggle and snigger and pretend to pay attention, but we have key words.

For example :

Don’t be Ian. Now this is because of a person who was our neighbour who was one of those yuppie type people, who thought he was highly intelligent and told us that woman have no idea how to braai. Well this was like a red flag to a bull. Bern has been the braai expert in her family for years and when he said you do not braai with wood, we looked at him with utter disdain and told him he is talking the biggest amount of diatribe and he needs to get his facts straight. The taste of a steak on a wood fire is so much better by far than that of a coal fire. Hence the saying DON’T BE IAN. We had a guitar playing evening and I swear he wore a bright orange jacket that almost confused the planes and they dipped closer to the house where we were visiting.

Our calls of ComPlane ComPlane went right over his head!!! Oh well it’s one of those things you are dying to say but your manners don’t allow it but this would have been the perfect opportunity… “You are weird and your mother dresses you funny!” the orange warning colour jacket was a gift from his mother and the thought he looked lovely. We were all making comments and he sat there and was oblivious to our Catty remarks. As I said I do have an evil twin that takes over every now and then.

4th December 2009

I am sure we have all had days where we could quite easily commit murder and plead insanity. Well yesterday was one of those days. I won’t go into detail, but today I am an injured Kitten and feel very sorry for myself. I must tell you when you slip and hit the ground at this age; you most certainly do not jump up and say “I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY” No you lie there on the ground hoping that you haven’t broken a bone. Gone are the days about worrying if someone saw you take this flying leap into the air and try to defy gravity by levitating yourself in mid fall to get up and are able to be rearing to go again.

I felt myself slipping and thought I was Fred Astaire with the dance moves I pulled and within in seconds (although the world does slow down in moments like these) I was lying there spread eagled on the floor looking up at the sky and literally seeing stars. The air was knocked out of my lungs and I was sure I was going to pass out. I lay there and must have looked quite sight. Phone in hand as I was sending a sms to my Johannesburg Branch, covered in leaves and mud and whatever else was on the floor. After about 10 minutes I was able to feel life in my legs again and decided that I was not dead as the searing pain in my lower buttocks was a sure sign of life.

I then tried to get up. Have you ever seen a drunken person try to get up off the floor? Well I must have looked like I had been drinking for a week. I first tried to sit up. Not a good idea as the back was not listening to the signals my brain was sending it. All those years of not doing sit ups had finally come back to haunt me. The stomach muscles screamed in revolt and my body was as weak and a new born. So I flopped back down again which of course did not help as the electric shocks ran through my body with such glee I was sure this was Gods Revenge for all the bad thoughts I had been having during the day and the night before. …..While I was loading pallets and sorting freight the night before the people who sent me the freight were drinking cocktails and could not wait to tell me this.

If subliminal messages were possible they would have chocked on their cherries and needed to be beaten back to like with a stick. Well I lay there, tears streaming down my face, thought of dialing 911 but realized that, that may work in the movies, but here in South Africa you don’t lie there and wait for help…no you do not bring attention to yourself because the chances Are that you will be mugged robbed and a lot worse if you don’t get up and move. I then thought about phoning Mathew as I knew Bern had no transport to come and rescue me. Logic prevailed and I did not phone Mathew as he would have been at least half and hour away from me. There was no ways I was going to ask for help from the people in the warehouse as this would be far too humiliating. All the while lying there staring up into the trees by my car where I had gone to go and grab the paper work necessary to finalize the deliveries; it was raining to add insult to injury. (excuse the pun)

I finally managed to roll crawl, slowly stand up and pull myself into my car where I sat for 45 minutes too scared to move or breathe. It must have looked very funny but I can tell you the body totally disagrees.

Today I am this odd walking person who is ready to take on the world and destroy the first person who annoys me. Oh please let it be the very same people who put me in that position yesterday. Preferably the client who phoned me every ten minutes to ask me how much further I was with their delivery. The last time she phoned, my exact words to her was –“ Well not much further than 10 minutes ago as you keep on interrupting me and now I have to start the damn count of your stock once again – so I suggest you let me do my job and if you decide to phone in 10 minutes again, please know I will stop what I am going and send the stock right back to you to sort out and pull your own damn orders!”

“Who says customer is King?” Screw them, and the horse they rode in on. Needless to say I did not get another call until 16h28. What a disastrous day and one that I think will stay with me for many weeks to come as I turn the beautiful purple and green colours associated with a full body bruise.

So watch out – as my kids often say “Don’t make MOM mad, you won’t like her when she is angry” I now have the green tinge working its way to the surface to be called Incredible Hobbit; although I am more likely to be mistaken for Jim Carey as the Mask and must look quite comical, rather than intimidating as I wheel myself around the office on my roller chair. Oh the joys of being this age and not able to just look at life direct on and use your ninja sword to beat off the impending and inevitable challenges that we face every day. No by now we have become a little slower, more weary and battle worn. But that does not mean we are defeated…. No it means we have to be more diligent in our war game tactics and face another day even if it is on a chair with wheels my Chariot for today.

Challenges - migraines and the joys of kids

A month gone by, it has been an experience with many tears and many headaches but I survived it and this gives me pause to reflect on the many challenges that we face every day.

Take Puberty for example. I am sure I was an absolute Angel while I was going through this stage and my parents are no longer around to confirm or deny this statement (thank goodness) but the memories of being confused at that age still linger and I wonder………

Do we as humans ever really leave the puberty stage behind? I find myself still to be that unsure 14 year old (except for the body of course) and doubt my decisions and wonder where I could have done things differently. So is puberty a state of mind or an out of body experience? Age does not mean you actually have a clue what you are doing! At least as a teenager you can blame it all on puberty – where as I now blame it on the early stages of my second childhood.

My girls came to visit this weekend and as is nearly always the case they rag me and each other and remind me of situations I would rather not remember but it was all great fun. Accompanying them was Richard- Cait’s’ Man and his brother Greg who is a comedian waiting to be discovered. And we go onto the subject of “Does Size Count”

Always a subject that either makes a man grin or grimace. As one friend told me, if ever a man says size does not count… your response should be … “Oh shame – you mean you have a problem in that area!” Well I have news for most men, and some ladies…… size does not count, because no matter the size it’s the technique. I have friend the one who used to fall asleep in sales meetings who once told me a story.

He was wining and dining this lady and one thing led to another. They went up to her room and when he addressed, she looked at him and laughed as said “who are you hoping to please with that? To which he responded….. ME! Good answer!

Ok enough Sex Ed. Getting back to our weekend. Now Greg and Sarah decided to have this sexual banter that carried on the whole weekend and of course it was quite innocent, but they did leave themselves open to quite a bit of mocking. But my Cait who can sometimes not be so quick on the uptake - only after threatening to invade each other dreams on Saturday night, did she actually catch on - Cait finally piped up “Oh My Goodness check out the Flirtation”

Our reaction was, OH CAIT YOU NEED TO WEAR YOUR STUPID STICKER TONIGHT! This had been going on since they arrived on Friday night and she only woke up to it now. My darling Cait who laughs five minutes after you told a joke and then tells you “Oh I just got It! "Or laughs with us and then looks at us with that pure look of confusion to say “I don’t get It!?” She has this ability to laugh at herself, which she only developed in the last two years. Shame poor Cait has also inherited my Talking too much and being the absolute clown and the star comedian when she is tired.

When she starts babbling and giggling and loses train of her sentence you know she is over tired and even at the ripe old age of 18 I still send her to bed . LOL…

The other week I was beyond tired after the hectic weeks we have been having we were giving Matt a lift home from work. He was sharing his day with us and mentioned that while he was driving there was this horrid stench in his car. He turned to his assistant and asked him if he had not possibly stood in something while doing a collection, to which Franz answered in the negative. Matt checked his shoes, but there was no evidence that he had stood in something.

He said the smell stayed in the vehicle all day and eventually he started looking at his assistant in disgust and suggested that maybe he needs to take a bath. Franz was most put out and told Mathew that he needed to get his bloody nose checked ..Or he would bop him one on the nose.

Matt said it smelt like the smell of a garbage van. So I asked him, if it was not actually him that smelt. To which he replied Oh G I hope not and smelt his shirt, only to open the window and say he needed to apologize to Franz as soon as he could. Well I thought this was very funny and called him the Garbage Man, but that is not what is so funny, I was like a stuck record, giggling all the way home and repeating the “Smelt like a Garbage collector” statement over and over.

Only to follow this statement with a collapse of further giggles and I found this highly amusing. Bern and Matt and othe other hand did not and they looked at each other and turned to me and said “Ok bed time for you, as soon as we get home, it’s off to bed with you, you are clearly tired and talking the biggest amount of rubbish!” I found this doubly funny and burst into song, signing off to bed with you to the sound of it’s off to work I go from Snow White.

Well that was a dead giveaway that I was past tired and needed some serious sleep time. In fact it caught up on me a couple of nights later when I developed a sleep deprivation migraine. I felt as if my eyes were bleeding, so in desperation I took a quarter sleeping pill headache tablets and was lights out until………….. Madam Jinx pounced on me to go and get some more dinner at 2.00am. I swear I did not jump out of bed; I shot out like a man being propelled from a cannon. I was running flying as such a speed I collided with the wall and must have done a perfect imitation of Spider man as I was sprawled against the wall clinging for dear life in the spider man position...I realized I was in trouble when the alarm panel looked like disco lights and I could see more than one Jinx and several Fiona’s and Little Boys. The Bed was floating and no matter how hard I tried to push the alarm de-activation key I kept on missing the buttons as I was trying to find the buttons that weren’t moving. Oh the colours were amazing. I decided that next time I decide to have a Disco I will invite some friends as I was really seeing wonderful things.

I did the DOG waltz down the passage, somehow managed not to decapitate Jinx as I opened the door as she has this habit of jamming her head between the door and door frame with her shoulders against the door, thereby closing it on herself. Silly dog and in that state I found this quite a difficult task to unravel as I was pushing when I should have been pulling when I should have been pushing.

Well the dogs went out for their nightly jog and had a 20.am snack and I toddled off to bed a little bit more alert, until I re-set the alarm. Within seconds it was screaming for attention and I had to find my phone as I knew that the alarm company would be phoning. They must be so used to my garbled response and one day they are going to ask me if my mother is home as I know I make absolutely no sense at all. By that stage I was fully awake and totally alert with a new headache starting to pound the tunes of "If I were a richman... or better still Sarah's favourite song "Running Bear Loved Little White Dove"

The saga did not end there. At 4.50 am the alarm goes off, I make coffee for us, wake Mathew up who was staying over for the night and take Bern her coffee. I see that the water is running a bit slow but think nothing of it. I feed the animals, and as I am walking down the passage I burst out laughing which is not a normal reaction for me at that time of the morning especially after my Disco Evening’s events....

I realize that Matt will really smell like a Garbage collector today not to mention how Bern and I will smell, there is no damn water. Have you ever used those wet wipes to give yourself a bath? Not nice and certainly not something I would suggest you try at home. The packet was not sealed as well as it should have been so I had these stupid white tissue things plastered to my body as I tried to give myself a bit of a freshening up. I went through nearly the whole packet in disgust. I was not impressed I can tell you and all I hoped was that no one asked me to go and visit them that day. I even took my shampoo to work to wash my hair in the basin in the ladies. I never got the chance to use the shampoo as they day rushed away from me.

You have no idea how wonderful getting home was that night. We dropped Matt off at his home, but his saga was not over. He arrived home only to find that there was no water at the house he was lodging at and he had to use a bowl of water to freshen up. To say he was not impressed is really putting it mildly.

The joys of Life in Durban!@$%@!