After the month I have had - dont push the Hobbit

AFTER THE MONTH I HAVE HAD, don’t push the Hobbit!

This week started with a disagreement with Jinx, as she refuses to feed her puppies as they are now biting her – which means Bern and I now do pajama patrol during the evening making them porridge and giving them watered down warm milk.

They are absolutely adorable. We have re-named one of them and called him Beast as he is a typical looking Lab puppy and it’s hard to believe he came from Jinx as he is almost pure black like coal, but as a Nike splash on his chest. So he is now our Rugger bugger. South Africa’s Beast comes from Zimbabwe originally and is A Sharks Player, so we named our beast after him. Runt – Goliath is still the biggest growler and barker of the group. He started growling at 3 days old. In fact his version of squealing was growling.

Lady Genève was not too impressed though this morning. Buddha was so excited to get fed his warm porridge he ran into the bowl and caused a tidal wave and this wave broke onto her Ladyships face. Then the other pups proceeded to lick her like she was this lolly pop. Oh how undignified…. She really was not impressed and the other pups thought his was just part to the breakfast feast.

So apart from doing the doggy food patrol, we have to transport 8 puppies from inside to outside and vices versa. What little precious time we have at home is seriously in danger of becoming less and less to the point of disappearing all together.

Well I can handle animals and their lovely cuddly quirks but what I cannot handle is people who feel they can bully and use Gestapo tactics to reach their goals. In fact this last month has opened my eyes in quite a number of ways…. Be that as it may. My sweet wonderful (NOT) land lady has been playing a very clever game with the electricity account. To make this a short story, the final result is she has not paid 6 months minimum of the rates and taxes and expects me to cough up R7000 to settle the electricity account as they have threatened to switch my electricity off. Her reason, she does not have the money. So my solution, I will settle it, you don’t get rent this month. Oh well the war has begun and let the best woman win.. Now here is where I really get to smile!!!

There was an envelope put on my back door last night with the complete bill for the last 8 months…which is against our agreement as she is not allowed to enter the premises without previous arrangement. I was not too worried about that as I have nothing to hide. But I do object to her having access to the premises when we were told that they do not have keys to the house or electric gate.

Well this morning I received a call from our security company to advise the alarm has gone off. Well I rightly or wrongly I thought it was Madam Landlady going to try and change the locks or something sinister. So I gave them instructions to arrest the people there and no matter what they said - they were intruders and were to be taken to the police station. Let’s see her try and explain why she was breaking into my house!!!!!!!!

So don’t be deceived - I may be a hobbit and may look like I don’t bite, but revenge is sweet and even if I have to swallow the bitter pill of moving again at the end of the month I am sitting here with a grin imagining Madam Land lady trying to explain her situation and I will let her sweat in jail if that is in fact where she is. I have not had feedback from the security company if in fact it was this Madam who set my alarm off but it still gives me pause to smile. The evil twin does come out to play every now and then.

Speaking of evil twins, my girls’ are 4 years apart however they should be twins in personality at times… when they get together they manage to plot evil deeds and share stories with us that makes our hair turn grey - I am sure the egg split and one stayed behind for an appearance four years later. We were chatting about the mischief people get up to when they think no one is looking They work together and I am sure they drive the managers batty with their private language that only sisters have. Eventually their boss told them to please talk English as he is getting a head ache. Which of course just made them giggle and snigger and pretend to pay attention, but we have key words.

For example :

Don’t be Ian. Now this is because of a person who was our neighbour who was one of those yuppie type people, who thought he was highly intelligent and told us that woman have no idea how to braai. Well this was like a red flag to a bull. Bern has been the braai expert in her family for years and when he said you do not braai with wood, we looked at him with utter disdain and told him he is talking the biggest amount of diatribe and he needs to get his facts straight. The taste of a steak on a wood fire is so much better by far than that of a coal fire. Hence the saying DON’T BE IAN. We had a guitar playing evening and I swear he wore a bright orange jacket that almost confused the planes and they dipped closer to the house where we were visiting.

Our calls of ComPlane ComPlane went right over his head!!! Oh well it’s one of those things you are dying to say but your manners don’t allow it but this would have been the perfect opportunity… “You are weird and your mother dresses you funny!” the orange warning colour jacket was a gift from his mother and the thought he looked lovely. We were all making comments and he sat there and was oblivious to our Catty remarks. As I said I do have an evil twin that takes over every now and then.

4th December 2009

I am sure we have all had days where we could quite easily commit murder and plead insanity. Well yesterday was one of those days. I won’t go into detail, but today I am an injured Kitten and feel very sorry for myself. I must tell you when you slip and hit the ground at this age; you most certainly do not jump up and say “I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY” No you lie there on the ground hoping that you haven’t broken a bone. Gone are the days about worrying if someone saw you take this flying leap into the air and try to defy gravity by levitating yourself in mid fall to get up and are able to be rearing to go again.

I felt myself slipping and thought I was Fred Astaire with the dance moves I pulled and within in seconds (although the world does slow down in moments like these) I was lying there spread eagled on the floor looking up at the sky and literally seeing stars. The air was knocked out of my lungs and I was sure I was going to pass out. I lay there and must have looked quite sight. Phone in hand as I was sending a sms to my Johannesburg Branch, covered in leaves and mud and whatever else was on the floor. After about 10 minutes I was able to feel life in my legs again and decided that I was not dead as the searing pain in my lower buttocks was a sure sign of life.

I then tried to get up. Have you ever seen a drunken person try to get up off the floor? Well I must have looked like I had been drinking for a week. I first tried to sit up. Not a good idea as the back was not listening to the signals my brain was sending it. All those years of not doing sit ups had finally come back to haunt me. The stomach muscles screamed in revolt and my body was as weak and a new born. So I flopped back down again which of course did not help as the electric shocks ran through my body with such glee I was sure this was Gods Revenge for all the bad thoughts I had been having during the day and the night before. …..While I was loading pallets and sorting freight the night before the people who sent me the freight were drinking cocktails and could not wait to tell me this.

If subliminal messages were possible they would have chocked on their cherries and needed to be beaten back to like with a stick. Well I lay there, tears streaming down my face, thought of dialing 911 but realized that, that may work in the movies, but here in South Africa you don’t lie there and wait for help…no you do not bring attention to yourself because the chances Are that you will be mugged robbed and a lot worse if you don’t get up and move. I then thought about phoning Mathew as I knew Bern had no transport to come and rescue me. Logic prevailed and I did not phone Mathew as he would have been at least half and hour away from me. There was no ways I was going to ask for help from the people in the warehouse as this would be far too humiliating. All the while lying there staring up into the trees by my car where I had gone to go and grab the paper work necessary to finalize the deliveries; it was raining to add insult to injury. (excuse the pun)

I finally managed to roll crawl, slowly stand up and pull myself into my car where I sat for 45 minutes too scared to move or breathe. It must have looked very funny but I can tell you the body totally disagrees.

Today I am this odd walking person who is ready to take on the world and destroy the first person who annoys me. Oh please let it be the very same people who put me in that position yesterday. Preferably the client who phoned me every ten minutes to ask me how much further I was with their delivery. The last time she phoned, my exact words to her was –“ Well not much further than 10 minutes ago as you keep on interrupting me and now I have to start the damn count of your stock once again – so I suggest you let me do my job and if you decide to phone in 10 minutes again, please know I will stop what I am going and send the stock right back to you to sort out and pull your own damn orders!”

“Who says customer is King?” Screw them, and the horse they rode in on. Needless to say I did not get another call until 16h28. What a disastrous day and one that I think will stay with me for many weeks to come as I turn the beautiful purple and green colours associated with a full body bruise.

So watch out – as my kids often say “Don’t make MOM mad, you won’t like her when she is angry” I now have the green tinge working its way to the surface to be called Incredible Hobbit; although I am more likely to be mistaken for Jim Carey as the Mask and must look quite comical, rather than intimidating as I wheel myself around the office on my roller chair. Oh the joys of being this age and not able to just look at life direct on and use your ninja sword to beat off the impending and inevitable challenges that we face every day. No by now we have become a little slower, more weary and battle worn. But that does not mean we are defeated…. No it means we have to be more diligent in our war game tactics and face another day even if it is on a chair with wheels my Chariot for today.