Distribution Challenges and Fun and Games

Last week was a week of making plans and sorting out our freight and there was a considerable amount of pulling rabbits from our hats to make the deadlines.

In true Bern style, she took this in her stride. Every time the boss form Cape Town phoned her for an update he asked her “Do you miss me Bern?” to which she replied, “How can I miss you if you do not go away?’ Then ten minutes later he would phone her again for a further update and ask her if she missed him yet?” At 5h30 the following morning she decided to show him just how much she missed him and gave him a wake up phone call. She had arrived at the airport to sort the freight, pick, and pack the orders only to find that they had all been placed, loosely in the equivalent of black dustbin bags.

Thousands of scratch cards, cell phone socks, and millions of 30 gram butter sachets. There she was sitting in the car park of the airport sorting through freight and this is when she phoned Erich. He telephoned her back at a more reasonable hour and asked her if she is missing him yet? She responded, “I am having a serious sense of humour failure here! So, yes I miss you; miss you so much I had to wake you up!” she then went on to describe how she received the freight and that there were losses and she was not going to take three hours to count the stock and would give him feedback later on in the day. It was not 15 minutes later when my boss phoned me to ‘just touch base’ and I was having a little pity party for myself.

I do not have many of these as I believe in being positive and have zero tolerance for negative people especially when I am one of those negative people. I have tried “the standing in front of the mirror” and using the Mantra – “You are wonderful, you are successful, you are … “ and that is as far as I get because I can’t carry on and a normally land up laughing at myself as I see the reflection looking back at me with this look of disbelief…. Well it works for some people and I will try it again. It has been said; “if you say something often, enough it becomes true.”

I mentioned Bern’s stress levels and she shyly giggled and said that was why she was phoning me and not Bern. She admitted in being a little afraid to phone Bern, as she was sure she would be blasted. Now this is funny as Bern and Cheryl are identical in facing challenges and they tackle them head on. Unlike me, I run around like “Cock Robin who exclaims that the world is coming to an end when facing a crisis”. I explained this to Cheryl and told her that Bern would simply take Cock Robin and throw him in the oven for lunch and warn the world that until she gave it permission to end’ it would simply carry on as planned.

This is true, I over react and panic and get all het up and run around and pace an awful lot when things do not run smoothly, where as Bern simply accepts the challenge ahead of her and woe betide anything or anyone who decides to stop her or interfere with her project. Many a man has been reduced to a trembling bundle of tear when they have tried to interfere. I admire her strength and no nonsense attitude, she says it as it is and you know exactly where you stand. In the ten years we have been together, she has only used that “Tone” with me twice and I was shattered. Broken, splinters of me could be seen all over the floor. The one time was when I was having a typical Sales Person tantrum about a service failure and stormed out my office and confronted her while she was on the forklift and I blasted her.

There I was hands on hips, shouting, pontificating, and making such a scene. When I stopped she raised here dreaded right eyebrow at me and very quietly said to me “Watch you tone of voice” well that was all that needed to be said. I skulked off back to my office, closed my door and collapsed in a bundle of tears at my desk followed closely by me phoning Sarah to tell her that Bern raised her eye brow and me and used her ‘tone’ with me. I was stunned and sat there feeling bewildered and chastised as I was in the wrong and I did need to be put in my place – but Bern was the one who did it and this shook me to the very core. Sarah laughed at me, can you believe it and told me that I had to put ‘my big girl panties on and deal with it’. I swear if I had not actually carried Sarah for nine months and given birth to her, I would swear she is Bern’s natural child! They are so alike in so many ways!!!!!! I give up, after receiving no sympathy from her, I phoned Cait and after she stopped laughing at my wails of trauma she said, Shame my mommy”. Now that was much better and I felt a little appeased but I did not leave my office for the rest of the day in fear of the dreaded ‘eyebrow’ meeting me at my door way! Stupid I am not, ridiculous and a magnet for chaos I may be, but stupid I most certainly am not!

You would think I had learnt my lesson wouldn’t you? Not so much… the other day I was ranting and raving about a particular person who betrayed me; and it has been over a year since it happened and I just cannot seem to let go of the resentment I feel and the pain at being betrayed. She listen patiently for the 1000th time and turned to me and lifted her eye brow and used that dreaded tone “Don’t you think it’s time to either deal with it and tell her how you feel, or just simply let it go? This way you are giving her power over you and letting her define who you are and it’s time to move on!” I sat there and looked at her in utter disbelief, as she had said what I know should have been said to me ages ago, but she – my gentle Bern, my rock, my life jacket, my everything in life ; said it and I was stunned. I kept very quiet and only later on in bed did I tell her that her words had been a bit harsh and I was traumatized.

Oh, what a drama queen I am, and she was right, however that does not consol me. My cool calm Bern lost her patience with me, and I could see that eyebrow rise which normally has no effect on me and she spoke to me as if I was 14 years old and I am still traumatized. That will teach me to carry a grudge or not do something about it.

Hopefully another 10 years will go by before I am disciplined again by Bern because it’s just plain scary and I never want to see the rise of the Eye Brow Beast again! I now mumble and grumble to myself if this person upsets me again and if she asks me what is wrong; I simply say the person’s name and she walks away with no comment. Lol quote funny actually as you would think as Scorpion I would seek my revenge, but I don’t, I wallow I in my -self pity and just do not let go! . Woe betide the person who stumbles into the valley of Bern’s Lifted Eye Brow; as she will use it and she will let you know you are being pathetic.

A lesson I do not want to learn again…. However, one I am sure I will experience again as I over react and over analyze and question everything repeatedly. I know my family finds this tiring and one day they are all going to raise their eyebrows at me, hand me the wailing whip, and tell me to deal with it… Until that day I will continue to carry this scar and remind Bern from time to time, about the two occasions in our long relationship that she chastised me. I will put on my sad forlorn expression; expecting sympathy; however I know I will be treated with the eyebrow glare and a small smile on her face as she tells me to GET OVER IT!

During my conversation with Cheryl about goals and life plus the changing roles and children leaving home, Cheryl reminded me I have cats that now need my attention. Angel decided this was the opportune moment to emphasis my bosses words. Angel is going to be the death of me. She has this need to edit all my work and has great fun on parcel perfect as I am trying to capture my collections. I tried to fire her but she does not take instructions well. In fact, she thinks she is the boss and her claws are much more effective than my yelling at her. She is so lovable, she throws herself down on my keys, and if I am writing something, she chews the pen right out of my hand and any paper I am writing on gets chewed and shredded. I am going to be asked to explain why my proofs of deliveries seem to have tiny puncture marks in them when they arrive at Head Office.

Monster kitty (Mommy kitty) has one or two broken teeth in the front of her mouth now. I think she is into S & M. Clearly, her lovers get rough. It does not seem to bother her as she still eats like a Shetland pony. (Not a horse because she is little)

Tabby is going to miss Bern’s Mom and their evening antics and game of catchers. We took mom out to dinner on her last evening with us as she insisted we go to the Spur in the Pavilion as the waiters and kitchen staff do a hillbilly rock dance for the patrons. We clapped along and cheered and did the rodeo cheer with them. mom loved this and was adamant we needed to see it before we left to return home. They were extremely busy but Bern called our waitress over and told her that her “tip” depended on her persuading the staff to do the dance. In three seconds flat the music was blaring announcing the Hillbilly Rock was about to start and we were entertained by 6 staff members. It really is a joy to watch and they put all their joy into the dance and mom was clapping along in absolute abandonment.

As we were leaving the shopping mall, mom showed us her version of the dance and clapped and took two steps, swung around and clapped again and whooped the rodeo cheer. Absolutely adorable and full of fun and she just makes one feel so great to be alive. With a twinkle in her eye she reminds us that she is not 83 yet and is waiting for Doctor House from the TV series to visit her when she becomes in need of his “special attention” what a lady, what an awesome role model, and we adore her.

Tabby is going to miss Bern’s Mom and their evening antics and game of catchers. Taby keeps on going to the room mom used to look for her, meows for her, and then runs around looking her new playmate.

Ginger boy decided on Thursday night he needed to leopard crawl under the blanket and attack me. He seems to have this need to destroy my feet and my derrière….I think in his own subtle way he is trying to tell me to bath! I did the jump wriggle, retrieve my foot from his claws and teeth and when he attacked the protruding derrière, I shrieked and without meaning too -I pulled away. I was left with blood gushing out of my injuries and the bed was soaked in rivers of spouting blood. (Okay, okay it was not that bad but it sure as hell felt like it was… you experience the claw shredding attack and tell me you feel any different!) I needed surgery and there are no butt transplants yet … I am now sporting a road map on my behind courtesy of Ginger boy.

Mofo is still the soft quiet one who only occasionally climbs up my leg when she thinks its dinnertime. She is not as bad as she was, I suppose because I feed her every time I see her to discourage this need she has for rock climbing up my leg.

Bern Took Fiona our lovable white German Sheppard to the Vet for her ears. She has a fungal infection because she loves playing with the water when we wash cars or do anything with water. Maybe Bern should take Little Boy in, get him fixed, and give him something for his nerves as he cried for Fiona when she was at the vet. whoooo whoooo whoooo hoooooo hooooo for a full hour. Great fun to work in our office with this in the background, listening to him whine and watch him shake like a piñata! Jinx is a happy girl all sweet and smiling and she adores    little Babushka. The two of them are terrors always playing and tearing up and     down. They love their squeak toys -yes sometimes these squeak toys are the cats but mostly the squeak toys we buy from the shops.

We had a wonderful weekend in Port Edward - the journey was full of giggles. We took our four dogs with for the weekend. Bern’s mom was with us so she sat in the front. I drove, as I get carsick when I sit in the back and Bern sat with the animals. A better description is the dogs sat with Bern.

I tried not to giggle but the muffled giggles turned into all out gut wrenching laughter as I looked in the review mirror. There was Jinx sitting on her lap like Lady Muck on Toast and Bern had this pained expression as Jinx had her foot planted nicely in her stomach and she would not budge. So every turning in the road and every bump just shifted Jinx’s weight and crushed Bern even more. When I hit those very deep sharp corners we saw a jumble of legs and bodies as Bern landed up with all the dogs on her.

Eventually in sheer desperation, Bern pushed Jinx off her lap and sat in the middle of the back seat. Like a four-year-old leaning forward in expectation of hearing what the parents are discussing in the front of the car. So cute; and had maybe 10cm to sit on. I did try to miss the bumps I promise and take the corners slowly – but with our wonderful South African roads, it was not always possible. The final part of the trip to the Beach house is a windy twisty road and its left then right then bumps so Bern had her own little roller coaster ride with extras thrown in for fun.

The language coming out of her mouth has to be censored and her mom had a quick lesson in swearing. Shame I could see mom saying gentle prayers in her head for her daughter’s soul. It was so cute and actually besides using Bern as the filler in a sandwich when we turned a corner the dogs were well behaved. Babushka eventually thought it would be safer to sit on Bern’s moms lap, as Fiona is slightly heavier than she should be as she has this avid love for Avos.

In fact, the Vet weighed her and her comment was – Um she is a little bit plump; but we will chalk that up to her winter padding. Actually, Bern explained, she has lost weight because Avo season is over and she has a passion for them. She sits and watches the avo tree in the neighbour’s garden and wills them to fall off the tree onto our side of the fence.

It is a mad scramble to retrieve them from her so we can at least have one of two. When we are successful Fiona sits in front of the grocery cupboard and waits for us to open the door of the cupboard so she can maybe; just maybe; find the hidden treasures (her stolen avos) and feed her cravings. She has taught Jinx and Little boy to eat these very fattening treats and Bern and I are extremely lucky if we get 1 for every 10 they consume.

The vet advised Bern that we might have to put Fiona on a diet. This sounds so easy as we are supposed to be the ones controlling her intake of food, but we do not control the avo season and I swear she has the ears of a bat as she hears them break off the twig holding them and she is there before they even hit the ground. Our little avo addict. I suppose there could be worse things for her to be addicted to – but you try to explain to the vet why she is not losing weight?

The Vet and her assistant look at you with this disbelief and explain that it is our responsibility to care for our animals. This is quite insulting with a giggle thrown in as we live for our animals – which the vet knows as she has met most of them. The staff at the clinic have fallen in Love with Fiona and call her Princess Fiona. Fiona loved the complements and even decided to forgive the vet for calling her plump. (only just, Fiona does not like being called FAT her fur makes her Poofy!) She was a little distrustful, because as they were filling out her prescription she jumped up onto the counter and watched what they were doing. Her concern was that they might have added some type of diet pill in. This was her way of showing them that she is quite fit and can do stretches. She is such a gentle sweet angel and such a good role model for our other animals.

The dogs loved the space and freedom of the garden at Port Edward and they ran around the garden, sniffed, and explored every nook and cranny of the garden. They slept extremely well that night. The next day we took them to the rocks by the sea and this was an adventure they thoroughly enjoyed. Babushka was so funny. She was following Fiona and jumped from rock to rock just as her leader did. Only thing is she is tiny and Fiona towers over her. The rocks Fiona chose to jump onto to were much too high for Babushka to rock climb and one was just out of her reach. I was watching her and in a split second, I saw her head pop up as she was jumping onto the rock…. She tried to hold on and then she was gone from sight. Awwwww she fell into the rock pools and was drenched. She thought this was great and I tried to scramble over to her to help her up onto the rock while trying to keep my balance as I was giggling at her magic act – here one minute gone the next.

Babushka believes she is a big dog, not this little slipper disguised as a dog. Babushka was determined that the rock would not defeat her and she took a running jump, grabbed on with her claws and pulled herself up. Animal’s smile, of this I am sure as she had this huge grin on her face and I could hear her saying “Lets do it again, let’s do it again!”

After that little trip to the rock pools and back, the dogs were exhausted and the trip home was a breeze. They slept all the way and last night they only asked to be let out once for the call of nature.

All in all the weekend was wonderful I was very sad to say goodbye to mom as she returned to Johannesburg with Carol and the house is now double empty. I think it is time to adopt more animals. Hmmmmmmm let me think about that. Well I have always wanted a Rottweiler and this may just be the time to get one. Val entertained us with her champagne laughter and she let her hair down so to speak. Mom managed to see her whales and this made the whole drive to Port Edward worth it for her. We were given an extra treat as we saw a school of dolphins frolicking in the sea and you cannot help but be amazed at God’s incredible miracle when you look out to the sea.

What am awesome view and the peace and tranquility we feel is so healing and soul replenishing. It is like being in God’s company and being able to appreciate his beauty and tell him how wonderful his creations are. We tend to forget to see the beauty that surrounds us and appreciate the gift of life during our busy weeks and daily stress of work and deb. We often lose ourselves to despair, which is why going to Port Edward is such a gift for Bern and I. it is back to basics for us and we have the opportunity to re-charge our batteries and prioritize what is important. This is something I think we need to do every morning, take time to appreciate the gift of life and love. Next time I fall out of bed and trip over my adorable animals - I will remember to look out of my window and give thanks that I am able to experience everything the day has in store for me.

I suppose it’s time to get the week started and make those appointments and try look like the successful person I so badly want to be. We had no luck winning the lotto so it is back to the grueling week’s work and telephones and I will every now and then sit and dream about my animal rescue farm and the joys of not having to worry about paying bills. I pacify myself with the knowledge that I do love my job and have such a wonderful bunch of people I work with and this helps for a short period. Then the silence of the house hits me and I miss my children and ...oh do not get me started…. Get over yourself Michelle, every mother has had to say goodbye to her children and she has survived it and I have faced much worse and survived that too.

Life is good! Life is Good, Life is Good, my new mantra for today, as the phones have not stopped ringing since walking into the office. I love life! I really DO!

Thursday is supposed to a good day

Thursday is supposed to a good day

I received this e-mail from Sarah and it totally describes today. To start, I was unable to get out of bed this morning. Due to the after effects of the Johannesburg drive – my weak kidney has its revenge a few days later. Add to that – I am tired and not handling the empty nest syndrome as well as I thought I would. I have this empty hole in my heart and now Sarah must get on board and give me grand children! Her new man was quite taken aback when Sarah told him that before she met him I told her to go to the sperm bank, buy some baby making stuff, and make me a grandmother. Okay so I need therapy – I think we have all agreed on this. I ask myself what God was thinking when he decided I needed to be a parent and then he blessed my children with all the ADCOCK'S (my dad's genes) traits with our magnet for the ridiculous.

I am sure I will have to live two life times to actually document all my memories of the situations I experienced as a kid and now a "kid" pretending to be an adult. Wrinkles and grey hair do not mean ‘wise soul’ -it just means kid with wrinkles and grey hair in training. Sarah sent me her resignation letter for being an adult. I of course giggled because we all have these wild and wonderful dreams about being in charge of our own destiny. Bills are a real killer and having to buy our own toiletries and smokes and worry about electricity – even going through our second childhood does not negate our responsibilities. Pity as I am looking forward to being a child in mind again and possibly get my vengeance on my kids by running down the streets naked and keeping them up late at night worrying about where I am? Right now, Mutt and Jeff have decided to go back to their paradise and I think Fiona had something to do with that. This has added to my empty nest syndrome and missing ducks; maybe my second childhood is just around the corner.

Fiona has had enough. She had been quite patient with their visiting but when it looked like they had decided to take residence in her swimming pool which interfered with her daily swimming routine – she let out one big woof and charged them. Quite an intimidating sight if you do not realize she is quite gentle. This white bundle of puffed up fur and white wolf like teeth. This was good enough to evict Jeff and Mutt. I do miss their visits but Fiona does have rite of passage here. She barley coped with the kittens and I am sure she thought that Jeff and Mutt would produce little duckling s and this was too much for her.

After dragging my weary body out of bed, I stumbled into the office and was met with chaos. One of our drivers had not pitched for work and it was all hands on deck. Forget about preparing this work of art for the public and hiding all the magical bumps I have developed through the years. I was abandoned to take over the operations of the office and drivers and collection and if I had not known, better I would swear my hair decided it was on strike. More so than normal. No amount of wetting it and pasting it down on my forehead helped this morning. I think my hair is applying for a nest for the mouse looking for a new apartment. I just have to accept that I am not going old gracefully.

I was busy writing a letter to my cousin about age and how our bodies have changed with time. This coincided with a conversation I was having with our Cape Town Representative. We are handling a big distribution and they have not given us enough time for the delivery by Friday

Our fear was that this was not going to be done on time as the client has not even given us 15 tons for delivery yet and it has to be delivered tomorrow. Ummmmmmm let me think about that. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I told this to the rep in CPT and asked her if they think we have jet-fueled helicopters. So she said no… we will have to use out time machine. So I said screw that – I would go back and retrieve my 19-year-old body would use it today and would not change anything that happened in the past because I would not have my wonderful family – but I would most definitely keep the body! She thought this was very funny as I described my disappointment in this 46-year-old body that just hangs like an old rag! After all, I abused it and if I had the 19-year-old body, I would really flaunt it now. I would sit on my letterbox outside naked in pride! And oh wow be tide anyone who tried to flash their perky boobs, I would show them perky. But time machines have not been invented and even if they had, I would not be able to afford them. So it’s walking the dogs when there weather is better, tying my shoes as this is now exercise for me and throwing my toys out the cot (tantrum) as this is also now considered exercise. I pacify myself with the comment “Get into shape….what the hell do you think round is…..it’s also a shape - is it not -so you and your shape comments can go to the gym to find that perfect shape... Not me I will waddle around and be happy with who I am. Hahahaha

Yeah that is how I feel, health first and beauty last. Being a woman is easy as men get away with their flabby bodies and flabby other parts, ours are on display and when the boobs are squashed into the bra and one nipple is pointing upwards and the other one down wards, I just say, its showing North and South.

I need to fly the flag of acceptance - 'this is me' and if you do not like it – do not come into my personal space. I am me -and all in all I am a wonderful loving person and have never hurt anyone or killed anyone and if you carry on bugging me, I will break my record and kill you!

Speaking of flying Flags, I think the trophy should go to Cait today for flying her freak flag. I really wonder where she gets it from… most certainly not her wonderful sane mother. I received a Skype from her today as she had decided that she needed to tell me how she was infected with the dreaded "foot in mouth syndrome" while she was sitting in her boss Ruby’s office discussing the days plans. She was playing with the clock on Brad’s desk (her Imports Manager), she notices that the clock is not working, and quite innocently asks Ruby

“Ruby why is brads C--K not on?”

Ruby looks at her with this enormous grin and says, “What is not on Cait?

Cait says, “OMG I mean clock, clock, clock!”

Ruby could not contain himself and burst out laughing as Cait was by this stage bright red and giggling like a schoolgirl who has been caught in a compromising position. She begged Ruby not to tell Brad and typical of brothers who work together he could not wait to ask Brad how Cait knows anything about his personal appendages. Cait seems to have a way of really making the situations worse for herself when it comes to Brad who by the way is an almost splitting image of Brad the actor but a little shorter. So he is considered a real Hottie!

When Brad bought his new Car an Audi, Cait watched him drive in through the work gates and exclaimed “Wow that is sexy and walked back to her desk.

She heard Gavin the owner of the company, chortling. Gavin felt quite pleased, as he is Ruby and Brad’s father so this obviously tickled his self-pride just a little to have such Hot sons. 'Like father like son ' is the comment he makes when he is complemented on his sons' good looks. Cait turned and looked at him and he was sitting there all puffed up with this big smile of achievement and satisfaction on his face.

Cait asked him what he is so pleased about and he grinned even wider and had a cheeky twinkle in his eyes. It took Cait about three seconds to re-wind what she had said in her head and it hit her like a lightning bolt!

She quickly shouted “No Not Brad – the CAR!”

Gavin just nodded and gave her that ‘I believe you but thousands wouldn’t’ look. Ruby of course heard all of this and interjected:

“You think brad is seeexxxxyyy”

To Cait’s shock and total embarrassment (her words to me) – “true as cookies when brad comes in I can hear ruby telling him and Brad then shouts out thanks Cait!”

She then gleefully confesses that I am not the only one who gets into these situations and she is a brilliant source of material for my blog…Thank you Cait, keep up the good work. I appreciate your efforts to help me with my blog.

This conversation happened before the work situation became so busy that I was unable to focus as I was answering phones and placing collections and I completely forgot that Bern’s mom was in the office/lounge with m. I threw down the phone, swore using the “F” word, and said “I just can’t do this – this is just too much and I am one person and ……….. Really threw a ‘hissy’ fit. See I told you I get exercise from throwing my toys out of the cot. Today was a really good exercise day.

I was busy sorting through the paper work when I heard this soft timid voice in the background. “Shell can I bring you two Anacin (headache pills) and a cup of coffee?” Shame man, mom is not used to the freight industry where everything is a rush and a quick decision has to be made, things do go wrong, and I think my outburst scared her. To make up for my outburst I took her with me to deliver a shipment in Howick and Hilton, we had lunch, and she had the chance to see more of our beautiful scenery here in Kwa Zulu Natal.

On the drive, I explained to her that what she witnessed was not me losing it, but just my coping mechanism I have developed in this industry. I pointed out that Bern would have handled it slightly differently. I had a fit, phoned Bern and told her that her drivers had switched waybills and the documents were delivered to the wrong destinations. I now had the delightful duty of advising the client. Which I duly did and explained how it happened and we managed to come up with a solution. Now Bern would have phoned the driver – offered to kill him and then phoned the client and without any tact – told her that she needs to complete the waybill details and put the numbers on the envelopes to prevent this type of mishap and then realize she was phoning to apologize and throw an apology in.

This distribution is not going well and its one of those days when you feel it is never going to end. Tomorrow starts with Bern off to the airport to go and collect the shipments and then she has the backbreaking task of sorting through the freight. I do not envy her but I do pity me – I have to handle the phones and collections and all the stuff that goes with running a freight company...allllll onnnnn my own again!  When I am rushed to a home for the mentally handicapped, please get me a computer so I can update my blog. Speaking of mentally handicap homes; on the way to collect a parcel in Hilton, we passed a sign for a mentally handicapped home. I gently reached over to mom in the car and patted her hand and said, “Don’t worry mom, the reason for this trip was not to drop you off here!”

She looked at me with rosy cheeks and said, “I will clip you!’ What an adorable person. If we had more people like Bern’s mom in this world there would be no crime or hate. Her remedy, train the men when they are babies to treat woman with respect - I totally agree and this would over flow onto how they treated other people too. Quite a wise person June Brooks! Maybe she will come visit me at this home for the mentally handicapped when Bern takes me there after one of my many tantrums (Bern refuses to accept this is my only form of exercise!) and pat my hand with her sweet smile. I am sure she will remind me of my comment about dropping her in the home.

Worries – Bumps and Scrapes and New Adventures

Worries – Bumps and Scrapes and New Adventures

I received some worrying news about my niece. My cousin’s child Shania, she is having test done on her heart as it beats three times faster than it should. It turns out this should have been picked up when she was still pregnant with Shania and the doctors have missed it for the last eleven years. Liesel feeling absolutely terrible and consumed with guilt now commented that Shania has often said her heart was beating fast when she came in from playing and did exactly what I would do “Well off course its racing you pumpkin, you have been running around like a hooligan. Sit down relax and it will go away. We have all done this some time on our lives to anyone who complains of a sore knee or whatever.

Well don’t do that and it won’t hurt, or lie down and the heart will stop beating so fast or the knee won’t hurt. Or don’t bend it like that and it won’t hurt. And guess what the pain goes away and we, as parents do not think further until a crisis actually happens. Like my wonderful friend, Brenda who complained for years that she felt a click in her hip when she walked. No doctor really bothered to look into it and it was explained away ‘as growing pains’. It was only years later that it was discovered that it was a tumour that had been growing for years and the result was horrible. Poor Brenda was very ill and is still suffering the effects of the treatment. Now I am not suggesting for a minute that we all become panicky when our children or family complain about a pain or a bruise – I am just sharing. I am the worst one there and my kids but for the Grace of God got through my – “its growing pains comments” or “well if you would just stop bumping into things or needing stitches (MATHEW!) Then you would not always feel so sore.” I need to remind dear Dom not to run up the stairs, as she was so depressed about her huge bruise on her shin!

I have to admit I am having a bit of a blue moment since my return from Johannesburg – Matt’s solution – stop being nostalgic mom! Nevertheless, I miss being great and dazzling the bosses and getting all the praise. I was telling Cait and Sarah about his compassion and wonderful supporting comment and they both replied HUH? Patiently, I explained what it meant to me –“Nostalgic – means longing for times gone past and not accepting that those times are over. Like I am seriously nostalgic for the days when my ass fitted into a size 8 pair of Jeans and when my body looked back at me in the mirror not at the floor!” Accepting that those times are over and never to return is my new goal!

I saw Matt while I was in JNB for all of 15 minutes. When we met with him, he delighted in rubbing my head as I was standing in a dip and he really towered over me. That is my story and I am sticking to it… G -- Forbid I have shrunk. I need all the height I can get. Cait and Sarah giggled along with him when he said, “Mom you are so short – can you actually see over the steering wheel? My response was – “yes actually I can and I have not even had to adjust the seat or have a pillow under my bottom.”
Well I have done this on the past I have to confess. Adrian owned this Camarro (sorry about the spelling all you car experts) and the seat was low and if I was on an incline on any sorts – just the slightest incline – a speed bump say or a gradual incline in the road - my foot would slip off the peddle as I pulled off – being pushed back into the racing seats. This car was seriously powerful and a pull off meant I flew off and then proceeded to bunny hop across the road. Anyone watching would have thought this car was powered like the Kit Car with Michael Knight, as you could not see me behind the wheel when I rocket off at take off. I hated that car because it made me feel like a child who was playing at driving their parent’s car! Back to Mathew and his abandoning his sweet mother - He works crazy hours so could not join us for dinner or visit us. I miss him, but surprises of surprises he communicates more now that he is away. Go figure. Any way I will have to get used to having no kids and be happy with my animals.

This is not so hard because my animals are more than enough to keep me entertained. Our new little addition who we are looking after until Sarah has her own place is a delight and so cute with it.

She has this really cute under bite and looks up at you with these smiling little white teeth. She is losing her baby teeth now- she has already lost two in our tug of war games. She is so damn cute- she looks like a slipper made of fur and lies so flat just like one of those toy dogs you put on the bottom of your bed. - Except this toy has sharp pin like teeth. Jinx is in love with her and she is totally taken with jinx. You can find her hanging onto jinx’s jowls, Jinx is so soft, and gentle she does nothing. Ginger Boy is also in love with this bundle of fur. He snuggles into the fur and searches for a nipple but has to content himself with lots and lots of fur, which he loves, as he gets cold.

The other night while I was in JNB Bern went to bed early, as it was so cold here, she pulled the duvet around her face and prayed for heat. Be careful what you pray for -Bern woke up at 1.00am and threw the blankets off her because she had 4 living hot water bottle cuddled up next to her. The kittens had decided it was much nicer to be under duvet. “Shew baby I was cooking and they had the audacity to give me a dirty look because I let the cold air in” was her comment to me.

One day I may just get my book published and we can get the animal rescue farm going. That would be perfect for me as I am already called the animal whisperer of SA lol. Mores like the animal pied piper as they now all follow me around. Going to the loo is quite intimidating -8 pairs of eyes watching you. Not to mention the fact that Tabby insists on sitting on me in the bath and drink the hot water. I have piercings where no person should have them and I am not into body piercing as I have a severe fear of needles.

I was never one who would go for acupuncture and Tabby has confirmed this for me. She is a bloody terror in the bathroom and I have had to fish her out the bath many a time and she is drenched and is a bundle of purrs. She just loves it. My fear is one day she will fall in when it is only hot water so I now close the door behind me to save her from herself. Mofo also loves the water but she just taps it and washes her face – clearly, she is dirty. Angel is my shadow and I have a hard time doing my work in the morning.

Angel has promoted herself to Secretary – the problem is she is a terrible Secretary. Her telephone skills leave a lot to be desired. The other day she stepped on the telephone, it beeped, and I thought this meant the phone needed to be charged. My boss was here from Cape Town and when I realized there line had gone dead I was quite annoyed. It had taken me long enough to become connected and now for no reason there was dead. I duly phoned Neotel to find out what the problem was only to be told that according to them there was nothing wrong with the line. “How can you tell me there is nothing wrong with the line when there is no dial tone, don’t tell me that I am sitting here using my cell phone to phone you and holding the dead phone in my hand! “I lamented. “This is ridiculous, I waited over a month for you to have the system installed and now you tell me there is nothing wrong with the line.” So I ‘slam’ the cell phone down and then phone my boss in Cape Town and ask him to deal with Neotel as I am fed up.

Cheryl and Bern ask me what is wrong when I walk outside where they are catching a few rays of sunshine as my face is like a thundercloud. I walk up and down, throw my hands up in desperation and frustration, and explain that the phone made a funny sound and then stopped working and now no one can phone me. I added as an after thought that Angel nearly died of fright when the phone beeped at her when she walked on it. Bern went inside (obviously - this was a mystery she was determined to solve) to see if I had checked all the plugs and in two bloody seconds flat had the phone working. I was not impressed – and threw a tantrum right there in front of my boss and told her I hate for being so bloody clever and what did she do?

With this huge grin on her face, she replied, “I simply pushed the on button and wow magically it worked!” I was ready to hit her and both she and Cheryl laughed at me and told me I am definitely technically challenged but who would have thought a simple telephone was beyond my extremely limited capabilities. I stood there with an expression of ‘Don’t go there’; and said, “How did you get it to come on show me!”

Very proudly and full of herself she simply pushed the ‘end’ button and it went peep and went dead, then pushed it again and it peeped and was on again. Well I blustered and mumbled and asked how the hell it happened and was going to blame ghosts and phantoms when I remembered that Angel had stood on the keys of the telephone and had switched it off. I did not phone my boss back in Cape Town and admit that I am stupid and did not know that the off button was also the on button, and there was no follow up call to Neotel to tell them the crisis was over. I just glared at Angel and told her she was fired! Angel disregarded my comment and she still lords over my desk.

She drapes herself on my arms and sits on my key board and the other day I was busy editing a very important e-mail to a client outlining procedures.

I was checking my spelling and use of our wonderful language when it disappeared. She had somehow pressed the mouse and it was sitting on the send button on the screen. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized this and had to ask my client to please ignore my mail – which I of course she would not. Who does that when they received a mail saying please ignore previous mail? We are too nosey not to try to find what is incorrect or what has been deleted or added. Like those quizzes where they ask you to spot the errors. Well that was my mail, full of errors and added letters as Angel stepped on the key board. Oh, my goodness I hope the client does not send this to my boss to show how unprofessional I am. My friend on the other hand would have sent it back to me highlighted and corrected it with a mark out of 10!

After finishing the edit and spell check, I duly sent the client the corrected version and she thankfully did not comment on my earlier one. How could I admit that my cat had actually sent it….falls into the category of “Teacher my dog ate my home work!” somehow this just does not cut it? “Sorry Audette, my cat sent the mail!” Who would believe a line like that but it is the absolute truth -My cat did send it.

Bern was trying to get her to leave me alone in between laughing aloud at my language that was spouting out my mouth. Angel won the battle she was in a very loving mood and would not leave me alone. It was like playing catches with this bundle of quickness and I swear she was giggling. I never have the work chair to myself and have now developed backache from sitting on the edge of my chair. And what do I get in return from my cats, extra piercings in my butt if I dare try and sit back just a little – so I have consoled myself with 3cm of chair to sit my ass on and hope they do not grow any bigger or that my ass grows any bigger.

Tabby and Angel believe the room that Bern’s mom is staying in is their playroom and mom now has to keep her doors closed. I mentioned previously how they destroyed her room in free abandonment that only kittens know how to enjoy. Very funny and cute until you have to reach under the bed for what they have secretly tucked away – only to be zapped by razor like claws for your effort of retrieving their prey. Mofo just climbs into her knitting bag and watches the circus.

Mommy kitty (Monster Cat) has totally turned her back on her babies now that they are big and she growls at them all the time. It’s quite disconcerting and I get upset with her, but she is still my Monster Kitty and she comes to me for love and warns them when they get too close – which usually means she digs her claws into me ready to spring on them. I am looking more and more like a pin cushion every day. Nevertheless, I do love them, love my animals, does it show?

My children also entertain me and they make me smile but I do not remember I time when I felt little prickles of “what the hell is going on” until last night. I was chatting to Matt on mixit and he was going on about everything and then asked me if I was going to be naughty? Now this is not a question a son ever asks his mom is it? I mean kids do not want to know if their parents are naughty. So I looked at my cell phone screen; went hmmmmm in my head and thought for a minute. “What do you mean by naughty Mat? He replied, “Why don’t we do it simultaneously” still have no idea what that means. Well I then said, “Matt who do you think you are talking to?”

“OH MY GOD – mom, ewwwwwww, I feel sick, I thought you were this new girl I met. I feel ill, oh, ewwwwwww. Sick sick sick.” I of course laughed and asked him what he has me saved as, and how on earth did he get me mixed up with one of his many girl fans. Mat apologized and did not know what to say – all he could manage was mom I am so sorry I hope I have not disappointed you again or hurt your feelings. I quickly explained that I was not upset or insulted and that he needed to tell me more about his new girl. Shew that was a close call – and under different circumstances I may have been able to find out what my boy is up to, but that was uncomfortable on so many levels.

Text messages and anything done electronically can get you into so much trouble without even knowing it. You cannot reach down the phone and retrieve your text, or un-send a mail you did not mean to send – or a Skype message declaring your love to the wrong Michelle as Bern did a few months ago. I received this panicked phone call from her when she was working for another company. “Babe I just sent the other Michelle a message on Skype and then realized it was not you and quickly removed it from the conversation. I hope she was not at her desk and did not get a chance to read it” She will really think I have lost my mind, as I have not spoken to her in months. Has she contacted you?” I laughed and told her not to worry because the chances were good that the other Michelle had not even arrived in the office. Turns out, I was right when the following day Bern got a message from her asking if she needed anything as she saw there was a removed message on Skype from Bern. Bern was very relieved and said it would have been a disaster if the other Michelle thought she was making declaration of love. I have to agree but it is still quite of funny.

That feeling of sudden heat overwhelming your body when you have sent a message to the wrong person, or accidentally copied someone in a mail that mentions them. I am sure somewhere we have all experienced this. Technology is not so wonderful is it? I had one of those moments a few days ago when I was explaining to my boss that we were not in the wrong when a delivery did not happen and that the client needs to take responsibility. They did not give the goods to us on time and there was no ways we were going to accept liability. I detailed why I believed we were being used as the scapegoat and pressed send. I then sat back and felt quite good about my mail and how well I had investigated the circumstances then I felt this sudden rush of heat, and the blood rushed to my head and I started shaking. I was absolutely convinced I had actually sent it to the client. It was a mad scramble to check the sent items and I shakily checked whom I actually sent the mail to. What a sigh of relief when I realized I had actually sent it to the right person. Imagine the consequences if I had sent it to the client.

I would most definitely have been fired. Telephones are no better, why is it that people assume that the call has ended and that it has actually been disconnected and start a conversation with someone in their offices telling them how much they dislike the person they had been speaking to and what a pain they are or how rude they are. This actually happened to Sarah last week.

She had just phoned one of her suppliers demanding Proof of Deliveries and had expressed a concern about their lack of communication and asked them to up their game. She duly said good-bye and clicked off. Now Sarah then picked up her phone to make another call and the line had not been disconnected on the other side. She sat there and listened to her supplier tell her office colleagues how horrid she was and how rude she was and even used the B word. Sarah tried to shout into the phone to get her to put her phone down on the hook but the conversation carried on so Sarah put her phone down after she realized that the supplier could not hear her. She then went to her boss’s office, dialed the supplier’s alternative number, and told this woman:

1. To close their account
2. To be very careful what she says about her
3. To check her phone before she starts talking about the very person she had been talking too
4. I heard everything you said, and believe me I am very happy to cancel our agreement with you based on your unprofessional manner and your boss will be advised of how inefficient you are.
5. So next time you want to say anything derogatory about a person you may have been talking to make sure you have actually disconnected the call.
6. There are consequences for every action we take and believe me they can come back and bite you in the ass.

This telephone ‘illness’ seems to run in the family; even my Cait is inclined to make a fool of herself. She was off ill and her boss Ruby telephoned her. He asked how she was feeling. She replied - all full of sniffles and flu that she had laryngitis-, which as we all know makes speaking very painful. Ruby response was that it was not so bad. Cait responded with “whatever” very respectful … not, so Ruby trying to be sympathetic answered “Shame you are Grumpy” to which Cait replied, “what do you think” Ruby then said goodbye and hung up quite taken aback by his sweet angelic Caity being so rude. Caity is not so easy to talk to when she is sick, but her best is talking to her Imports Manager one night when he phoned her from the Keg – now I have no reason why he felt he had to phone Cait when he was out jolling (out drinking with his buddies) – according to him they had a full on conversation.


Cait told him he was making it all up until he showed her his phone records. Giggle, he phoned Cait while she was sleeping and Cait can carry out a full on conversation and not remember a thing in the morning. She has no idea what they spoke about and he still teases her about what she said but he won’t tell he what it was about.


Technology the “miracle” of our times and the end of privacy. I have learnt to check and double check that the phone has actually disconnected as I had a similar situation when a client heard one of my colleagues moan about how she did not enjoy the appointment with them.

She went on to discuss how unprofessional they were by not removing the dogs from the meeting . These great big dogs insisted on sitting on my lap and one of them drooled right into her designer shoes. The client just sat there and watched and eventually we had to ask for a cloth to wipe the drool off her pants and scoop it out of her shoe. Not a pleasant meeting that is for sure.

They over heard the conversation as I had just telephoned them to ask them to open the security gate to let us out of the business complex and my cell phone had not disconnected. Needless to say, I received a phone call from the client and it was not pleasant having to explain that the dogs drooling on my colleagues during a meeting was quite uncomfortable and that not all people are Dog people. Well we lost that account – no surprise there.

I then had the wonderful responsibility of having to explain to my head office why we had lost the account and expected a bit of a telling off; however, my boss said, “these things happen and don’t stress about it.”

I make sure my animals are locked away if we have business meetings and even though I absolutely adore animals – there is a time and place for everything. Not everyone shares my love of animals or the fact that you are covered in fur by the time you have left their home.

Now my challenge for the next two months is not to stress and to motivate the Durban clients to sign on and give Bern so much work that we need a CSD person and I will need an assistant to control my appointment and make more for me. Well the Bern side will happen but me having an assistant…. Not going to happen. In the meantime, I will keep myself busy with dodging cats and Dogs and make sure that when I am working Angel is nowhere to be seen. More importantly, I will double check who I send mails to and that my phone has in fact disconnected.

New additions to the Mad Hatter Family

New additions to the Mad Hatter Family


I am pleased to announce we have a new member to our Mad Hatter family and it looks like he will fit in nicely. Well I do not think François has much of a choice. It’s kind of a fit in or fly off situation in my little Zoo Family.

I am busy chatting to my Cait on Skype and we are exchanging those family quirks we all have. You know those words we have picked up through the years that have us giggling at the memory it conjures. I believe I have the best family in the world and we are all a little bit ODD but hey "We love it here"

Well now, François has a few memories of his own after meeting us - he may need therapy and he had better not send me the bill!. He duly arrived on Thursday night to meet his new mom-out-law (me). Now you have to understand my girls have built me up so much for him with comments like

“You gonna love her”(understandable - who does not love me? and if there are people who don't - well then its their loss)

“She is so cute (a word that they use often to describe me and I do not think I am so cute!)

“Mom is very funny” (another word that I do not think describes me – I don’t meant to be funny it just happens)

“Mom is very liberal and open” (which means mom is a crazy person and any topic goes now this is kind of true as I have always been one to answer any question thrown at me – and you can imagine how much trouble this has gotten me into)

“Mom takes no nonsense” (giving the impression that I am this strict person – which I really am not) Cait delighted in telling me this last week that "Mom no offense but you are a push over and Bern is the one we cannot get away with anything!"

“Mom is so easy” (hey steady on, not in that sense of the word – easy as in I go with the flow – not flow into anyone’s arms…. Really, I do have morals.)

“Mom will love you – but Bern…… she will 'suss' you out and then decide” (this is true about Bern but I am not such a push over ; ok ok, maybe I am because I trust too easily.)

I could go on and on, however I need to add, the description they use to describe me often is “Cute and short - Hobbit in high shoes!"  (shortness is not a disease people its a gift!  - one i seem to have perfected)

So with all this being said to François - he was rather trepaditious about meeting this awesome, cute, funny, easy, no nonsense, open, hobbit with wild hair.

At least he did not say he was expecting me to be BIG! Just like one of Cait’s work colleagues. When he met me – he turned to Cait and said, "Your mom is not big, she is tiny". Thanks my Chickie-Dee. Is that how you see me? She was quite annoyed with him and told him he was an idiot- : “I never said my mom was big…Assssss”. Lol. Well after tearing shreds off him, it turns out she had said I will take on anyone who has hurt her children – true – and he took this to be “I am big and Butch and quite menacing. I of course harped on the fact that Cait described me as big and woe is me, I am fat and huge and need a serious body reconstruction. I do love to tease them and watch as they fall over themselves trying to re-assure me that I am so gorgeous, and not fat and wonderful etc etc. until I can’t help myself I add – but BIG.

I was not at my best when I met François as I mentioned earlier because I had this very huge headache and I think first impressions last. Hahaha so let me set the record straight – I am not a stoner… I had a headache and had taken a few  headache pills. I do know how to complete a sentence without commenting on the pretty colours – I do not always ask ‘risqué’ questions – yes I am possessed by little bad angel who whispers in my ear telling me to misbehave. Moreover, I wonder why my children were so mischievous as children…. Well my mother did warn me that my children would be 10 times worse than me. Thanks for that mom, you know what you say on earth is bound in heaven. Could you not have wished that they would be as well behaved as I was?

I am not going to offer an excuse for how the situations get out of hand when I am around. What is the point – trouble finds me and giggles follow and embarrassment follows too. However, I am not the only one that this happens to.

We always tease Cait and Sarah that one day they may also hop over the fence so to speak. They set themselves up with comments to our friend Shane who is drop dead gorgeous: “If I ever decided to cross over – I would so do you!” This of course embarrasses Shane no end. The other night Cait declared that it would never happen because she likes (well the male part) and could never cross over so Shane said that cool “I have 10 of them!” Very funny and of course, we all laughed and giggled. This happened when it was only us girls on Wednesday not when François was there. So relax people, we do try and behave when there are men in our company. I love the freedom my girls have with me, they way they are so comfortable to talk about anything. I encourage it because I come from the era where you never talked openly with your mother and that created a bit of a rift. As I said earlier – anything goes if you want to talk about it…but not anything goes if you want to do it… there are boundaries there. 

  

Cait did challenge Sarah though as said she would be the first one to hop over the fence and when François arrived, Cait and he had a bet on whether Sarah would, "Jump the fence" François  was adamant she would not and Cait was teasing him and goading him. "OH but she will - my mom did and she takes after my mom!" Now let me set the record straight - I never jumped over anything or tripped over anything - I met my soul mate who happens to be a woman!" My wish is my girls also are so lucky to meet their soul mate and not to have to kiss so many "frogs" before it happens...lol. 

The weekend at Port Edward certainly was interesting - only teasing - the picture is quite innocent -or so I am told!

Poor Shane was bombarded with question of the personal kind and she was so red in the face - she could not answer and was too embarrassed to answer - it was our night for asking questions and having fun. My apologies Shane and I cannot promise it won’t happen again- it will!

On that particular Wednesday night, I was sending Bern texts and was telling her what we had for dinner as they had a power failure and she was complaining about having to go and get Steers and how disappointing it was. So I sent the text “we having moce and pasta”

Then I read what I had written, well kind of because I replied, “I mean Mice” Bern replied ewwwwwww, Mice, so I read her message and said yes mice what is your problem? Only to realize I meant to type MINCE!” That was me finished. I could not stop laughing and I tried to tell the girls what I had just sent but was giggling too much. This happened on the same night that I had taken the migraine bomb and Dom had decided act out the actions for her injury on her shin. I was over tired, had this raging headache, and was feeling the effects of the migraine bomb so everything was extremely funny. I get like that, as I mentioned before when I am over tired – and my girls giggle along with me.

Back to Thursday – so François walks in and gives me this huge big all engulfing hug and then picks me and twirls me  around because he is much taller than me – yes, as are most adults. I have a competition with children who tell me they are taller than me and I tell them, tall means stupid. Hahaha…. Well I have to try to boost my ego somehow. I am always staring into peoples chests or in some cases when they are very tall, their belly buttons. This really has happened to me. A month ago, I had to go and meet a new client. I drive up his very long driveway after he was reluctant to let me in into their complex as he works from home, because he had no idea who I was or what I was there for.

The drive way was one of those very steep driveways and has no place to turn and I am already in a panic because there is no ways I am going to be able to reverse down the winding twisty steep drive way. I have visions of destroying their very manicured flowerbeds and ripping up their perfectly designed paving. I forget all about professionalism. Get out my car to meet this client…. And look up and up and up. I was staring at his belly button. Talk about being intimidated. So do I say hello My Name is Michelle from ACT World Wide Couriers, nice to meet you? No, I say "Hello my name is Michelle and oh, my God you are tall and I am not an alcoholic… trust me". He looks down and I mean down at me and ………………….ruffles my hair. Then he adds – "you are so cute – but who are you and why are you here." I look up at him and think he is insane, as I have just phoned his offices to tell them I am coming through and explain I spoke to Trudy about coming through to introduce myself.

Rene burst out laughing and says well you have quite long journey ahead of you as she is based in Cape Town. Well thanks for that, these 0861 numbers do not reveal where you are actually phoning. Rene thought it was very funny. So there I stood with my hands on my hips in his drive way parked outside his garage and hand him his waybills and instruct him to reverse my car as I was leaving.

Rene climbs into my car – not taking into consideration that the seat is literally on the steering wheel, he sits there jammed in, and I watch on in glee. His knees are sitting by his ears and there is no ways I am going to help him and pull the release on the chair to give him the opportunity to push the chair back. There ain't no ways I am reaching into to lean over him and smother him with my ample bosom to reach down between his legs…. Not in a million years….. Forget it… the “Whatever it takes for business” does not apply here. I watch Rene as he looks for the latch to release the chair and I offer no help, as I am unable to talk. I am holding back my laughter as this would not have been polite. After all, I have just told this man to move my car for me.

Rene finally finds the latch and I have visions of my seat being pushed right out of its rails as it shoots back as I am parked on an incline. I had visions of me sitting on my back seat trying to reach the car peddles. No matter how much I try, I have not been able to lengthen my legs. Rene starts my car, pulls into his garage, then turns the wheel and reverses out up the incline – gets out and hands me my keys. I COULD HAVE DONE THAT DAMIT! I exclaim and smile at him, wave goodbye and drive off like Minnie Mouse in my car and do not look back. Well I did look in my review mirror and there was this giant of a man leaning on his big 4 x 4 vehicle having a good chortle at my expense. Well I have not been to see him again, and I told him he would have to come to our offices next time. Jeeeeze! - He was tall, talk about intimidation in size 14 feet. Yes, I did manage to ascertain what his feet size were as he laughed at how close the seat was to the steering wheel and I said well my feet are smaller than yours are. (What that has to do with the price of cheese is anyone guess)I have no excuses…. My mouth just runs away from me when I feel intimidated.

I keep on getting side tracked – François is swinging me like a rag doll and squashing the air out of me and I have a thing for heights. The minute my feet are off the ground my fear kicks in. So I hug him back and finally (phew) he puts me back down on mother earth. Then he commits the worst sin of all he tucks me under his arm and says, "Awwww you are so cute. "How to win over your future mother in law in one sentence. Actually, I felt quite safe tucked under his arm and welcomed. My Matty does that to me – but he adds “Mom you could be my roll on deodorant!”

François fitted in perfectly, he was asked the required embarrassing questions, and I did add that it is customary to meet the parents before you become intimate with the daughter. Lol – "Common MOM who does that these days” was Sarah’s response. Well I am at least grateful I met him before they ran away to elope. Hint hint – elope it’s so much cheaper. I did tell them both that I need to be a grandmother while I am still young enough to enjoy them – now that was no hint – that is an order!  We did tease him a lot, poor François took it like a trooper, and I am sure the comments about not being able to bend like a pretzel had him confused... that was Cait - not me! Information over load I think

Here is hoping that Francois' introduction to our hooligan family has not scared him off as he is in for more especially when he meets THE BROTHER and the other MOM…….OOOOOOH SUSANNNNNNN! (This means scary from one of those animated movies!) Meeting my family is not for the timid or serene – so be prepared François the best is still to come….. we will enjoy a few games of “Kings” with you! Giggle.

Aching Bones and a feeling of success

Aching Bones and a feeling of success

I recently returned from a business trip to Johannesburg and on my return I checked my mails to see what needs to be dealt with and this is an insert of a mail I received from our New friend Sarah who we met for lunch a few months ago. Sarah is here in South Africa doing charity work with the community here in Pietermaritzburg to assist them in becoming self-sufficient. I have mentioned her in one of my blogs where I was having a panic attack about meeting a new person with my wonderful hair that was on strike that day. I am pleased to report that my hair is behaving a little better since then but it still needs coaxing to behave. I did find that my hair was at its best in Johannesburg during my visit and am now convinced that Durban’s humidity does not like me. I am sitting here at my computer with a wonderful hairstyle as I went to bed with wet hair and I feel quite at home. Thank goodness, my Skype camera is not connected, as I am sure I would crack my screen. I was very pleased to receive Sarah’s mail and had a good giggle at her comment about my blogs:-


“I finally had a chance to sit down and read through your blogs. Bloody hilarious I tell you! Though I do worry if I hang out with you I will either a) end up seeing you naked, b) be inadvertently told about your sex life or c) mauled by loveable pets.”

In my reply, I assured her that I would be on my best behaviour. I of course blamed it on the universe. It’s the universe I tell you! For some reason I am the target for the ridiculous. I explained that I have tried to put my armour on (prayers) for protection but these little bullets just seem to get through and expose me. Hahaha

Oh well I suppose I have to entertain the few followers I have and I seem to do that rather well. Even in Johannesburg chaos reigned. What can I say- These invasions followed me…

I arrived on Tuesday after a long journey and my body was screaming for a replacement or for a good body massage. As I neared Johannesburg, I felt my head begin to throb and it was only when Cheryl told me that it was the change in the atmosphere that has caused this migraine that hit me without warning.

I fetched Cait and Sarah from their place of work and I have to admit I was a little tense when I arrived at their lovely home. For some reason I stress about silly things and that night I decided I had not brought enough food as I was feeding the girls and myself and had arranged a dinner for later in the week. I was expecting more than 10 people and I went into panic mode. I sent Bern a text, admonished her for not giving me three bags or frozen chicken pieces, and really felt my stress levels rise to almost tears. In my defense – I was exhausted from the trip and my head was really pounding. Now let me explain – three bags of frozen chicken would feed my family for two weeks and I was only going to be there for 4 days. Now maybe you can understand just how disharmonious I was.

Thank goodness, Bern realized this was just my way of coping with the journey and I see elephants so to speak when there aren’t any. I suppose after 10 years Bern should know me by now.

Needless to say, my girls also recognized the signs and promptly told me to sit down and relax as they prepared dinner and when I tried to go to the car to fetch my luggage they blasted me and told me to RELAX DAMIT. All tearful and silly I softly said, I need my charger for my phone and I was petulant like a child and did my pacing up and down. Oh my Goodness, I really need therapy. Get a grip Michelle, you really need to learn to relax and let it be.

Easy words I am sure to hear, but not so easy to do. I think I have been conditioned through years of having to handle situations on my own before Bern arrived that I tend to go into this: “Do it right Now mode before it becomes this huge monster that is out of control.” Not a bad motto to have I don’t think but I have to learn that the world does not come to and end if it is not done right away and I do have people around who are willing to help – I must just ask for help. Something I am not very good at doing I might add.

The evening progressed rather well. The food was lovely and I felt a certain calm being in the company of my girls, which includes Dom Sarah’s best friend who is family too in my books.

Cait’s “Man” arrived and I was greeted with the best bear hug hello and he joined Cait and I on the couch. We were all chatting and catching up and I had my one leg draped over Cait as we were squashed into a two-seater couch. Imagine my surprise when my “son-in-law” slipped his hand into the bottom of my trousers and caressed my leg lovingly – quite content in his exploration of my calf and when he reached higher to my knee I finally found my voice. Up until then I watched on in mesmerized horror.

I swear I stopped breathing and looked at his hand fondling my leg. I was really taken aback and finally managed to ask him “Rich what do you think you are doing” he looked at me all innocently and then turned to Cait and said, “Baby your legs are so smooth for a change!” I blurted out “Rich that is my Leg thank you very much!”

He quickly withdrew his hand and went bright red, which turned to purple and added, “I wondered why Cait’s legs were so smooth. Well my headache which was dissipating shot up in pain reaching a high threshold as I burst out laughing and the giggles hit me like only they can when I am over tired and in between fits of laughter. I told Cait she was in essence marrying someone just like her dad as Adrian had this habit of mistaking my mom for me and would pinch her on the bottom or walk up behind her and give her a hug or as mentioned in a previous blog. He has also climbed into bed with her at my cousin’s house thinking that was our room. Cait giggled just as hard as I did and when I added, “there I thought I had lost it and was no longer appealing, my Rich felt me up!”

Poor Rich did not know where to hide his face and he tried to mumble excuses but my girls of course bombarded him with “admit it, you just wanted to feel our mother up – you pervert and we teased him for hours. I gracefully removed my leg off Cait’s lap and kept an eye on his hands after that – only teasing it was just such a funny thing to see shy Rich trying to be all nonchalant and his reaction kept us entertained. Cait told him that her legs were always smooth – bit then with a shy giggle, she did admit that in winter NOT SO MUCH! Something about growing a winter coat to ward off the Johannesburg winters. It was very funny. I of course had to let Bern know via a text message that Richy had just felt my leg thinking it was Cait’s leg and I was in a puddle of giggles because of it. Rich who I have to force a hug out of and a kiss hello – committed the error of invading my personal bubble. Never in a million years did I think he would ever be so forward. By the end of the evening, I had a sore head and extremely sore stomach muscles for laughing.


Bern is now working with me in Durban. She is the Operations manager and I am finally able to have the freedom to sell and not have to worry about queries, collections or drive aways - as we have now opened our own branch and with very little teething problems, I might add. It is now my responsibility to make it profitable. Hence my trip to Johannesburg – I needed to get work coming into Durban and increase our volumes of freight. This went extremely well and of the seven customers, I went to see six wanted to sign on immediately. It would have been quite a nice feather in my cap but my boss has declined two of them and they were big. I understand her reasons as they do carry a risk and the one client uses every excuse in the book "not to pay" and he receives payment from his clients after refusing to pay his current carrier– he is a broker for courier work. This is unfair and if we are as a little as 3 minutes late with a overnight delivery he sees this as a service failure regardless of the reason for the “Late” delivery and refuses to pay for the delivery. What this means is we have incurred the costs of collecting from his clients – paid the airline to fly it to its destination and delivered to the receiving client and all this has been done for no payment in return. We have situations where our driver is made to wait for 20 minutes plus for the receiver to come from his or her office to sign for the parcel and this is now considered a service failure. I am disappointed as I did feel this could have been discussed and sorted out in a Service level Agreement, but the risk is all ours and this could result in our company running at a loss. I have not given up on this deal yet and possibly with a little bit of negotiating and contracts the client may see things our way and agree to our terms.

However, all is not lost. One of the clients I saw is a very big account and I had so many buying signals from her I could have signed her up right there and then but I had no rates prepared as this was purely a fact finding mission. I entertained her in the meeting by telling her how we use one of their adverts in our drinking Game Kings and the unfortunate person has to sing their advert and add in a few extra words for entertainment. Lindiwe thought this was amusing and sang along with me. I had taken our Johannesburg Customer services woman with and she was quite taken aback when I burst into song - yes into song in the middle of a negotiations. What can I say; if the mood is right, I just let it all hang out. picture it in your head – There we are, sitting in a boardroom, very posh and very dignified with this incredibly well educated high powered executive who is instrumental in deciding if we get the business and I burst into song. Well it worked and she was very impressed with our or should I say my enthusiasm and has agreed to taking the negotiations further and I have a really good feeling about this client. On the other hand, I could have read the whole situation wrong and she was just very happy to see me leave!

My trip to Johannesburg was a nice eye opener for me and my confidence levels - as I felt I had lost my gift for selling as the Durban people are not quick to change and they are so slow in making decisions and this has lead to be losing faith in myself. So when I text’ Bern I was thrilled to say “I’ve got it YES I’ve still got it” and did my famous little victory dance in the parking lot at the client’s premises, which is a cross between the American footballs players dance and our famous toy-toy dance our workers perform when they are on strike here in South Africa. Thandi my work colleague who is a graceful beautiful woman looked on at me with a puzzled expression on her face – Ok, ok so it could not have looked that dignified but I was happy to feel the adrenalin rush of a good appointment and the possibilities of signing up one of the largest distributions for the company - Blame this on my re-constructed knee which has thrown my balance and rhythm right out the window. Therefore, it comes out looking like a pregnant woman needing a trip to the ladies. I admit it – I really miss the corporate world when it comes to sales and the professionalism (ok not me so much) of the Johannesburg clients. At least with them, you know where you stand and when they say they will get back to you – you know they will. There is none of this waiting 6 months for an answer and they mean it when they say, “Yes we are interested”. Unlike Durban people who do not feel it is polite to decline a request for an appointment – or they are simply just curious to see what I look like and agree to the appointment….very typical of the Durban Men in this area. Boy are they in for a surprise when I walk in – all five foot 2 inches of roundness with Hair, that is ALIVE and they were expecting something else. SERVES THEM RIGHT FOR NOT BEING PROFESSIONAL. I do enjoy asking them during the meeting if they agreed to the meeting for better courier services or was it simply an opportunity to see what I looked like. A few of them had been honest enough to admit that they wanted to see what I looked like as apparently I have a nice phone voice. This reminds me of a manager trying to describe a tele sales person to another staff member- although not a very polite or nice description – this not so nice manager described this person in this manner “she has a face for radio presentation”. I hope the clients who meet me do not feel this way when I walk into their offices. I am sure we have all experienced that – we speak to someone and conjure up this vision of what they look like and if they have this amazing voice we automatically decide they must be drop dead gorgeous to go along with the voice. Only to find that they are not actually anything to write home about and are a little disappointed only to realize they feel the same way after meeting you. Hahaha. Oh well we use our gifts God has given us and if my voice opens appointments for me well then, I hope my natural sales talent does the rest. It has worked in the past for me – let’s hope I finally manage to get the Durban people to join my fan club? Listen, miracles have been known to happen.

Speaking of miracles – I am hoping for one – MY BOOK! My hope is that the book will one day be published as our goal is to set up a Rescue Centre for animals and children in distress, I am leaving this in God’s hands and if the book is to be the tool for this then he will clear a path for us. It seems it is God’s plan to surround us with animals that already need rescuing – mostly from themselves however.

Tabby has fallen in love with Bern’s mom. It is a mad scramble in the evenings for mom to reach her room before Tabby gets there. Now mom is slow due to Parkinson’s and age so of course Tabby wins – but mom still thinks she can out run Tabby. Have you ever tried to out run a kitten? Not going to happen. The other night Tabby and Angel decided they needed to redecorate her room. They broke her reading lamp, rearranged her clothing that were on her bed. Mom’s missal was lying on the floor, her glasses had been pushed under the bed and they had somehow managed to pull the blankets off the bed. The kittens had quite a free for all. This morning Bern brought tabby through to me drenched – Tabby had fallen into the bath again as she has this need to drink warm water and must have lent in too deep and fell in. You would think a sudden brush with death would distress a cat? Not Tabby, no she was thrilled and went back for more when Bern climbed into the bath after she had been dried and cuddled.

As for the publishers who have shown an interest in the book - I am very skeptical and have been warned that there are many Pirates out there who never do anything with the manuscript. They actually just bleed you dry of more money for suggested changes and editing and they manage to get the author so excited that in their glow of possible success and possible greatness they foresee for themselves. In their ignorance, they happily fork out thousands of Dollars or Pounds in the hope that one day they will be rich and famous. I do not however fall into this category. I know my works are not great and that they will not make the literary world take notice and jump up and down for book signings – so when I receive mails saying “there is a market for your book and we have a sister company who will be contacting you shortly; after advertising that they do not ask for any money or payment for getting your book published , “After all this is their job function” I do feel a flutter of excitement and then the skeptical side takes over and I keep my money on my bank and wait for the right time and keep hoping that there are honest old fashioned agents and publishers out there who will be genuine and actually give me the opportunity to see if my book is worth while publishing.

Well the bottom line is they want money from me and if you use the exchange rate, it’s like looking for pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then I am expected to do the marketing. My question is “Now how do I market the book from here?” One author from England telephoned me and advised me to find an agent in New York and let them see if it is worth publishing and after I have received many rejections, I can pay them to help edit my book until it "is considered great." So in essence, what they are offering is actually a printing function and the books will be available to order on line. Information about exposure, marketing or anything is clouded– a little bit too “iffy” for me. The author who telephone me after I posted a question on his website about how do we know the real self-publishers or publishers from the pirates explained that there are many sharks out there. To test this he sent them his dishwasher manual and added WASHY WASHY WASHY throughout the manuscript and he received rave reviews with the exact same response “there is a market for your book and we have a sister company who will be contacting you shortly” he then tested this company again and sent one of Emile Bronte’s works to them and the publisher responded as before; “We are interested ....."But added that he would have to get an editor involved and work on his manuscript before it was deemed "GOOD enough." I bet Emile Bronte is most impressed with these comments.

There are so many sharks out there and it is all about money and not searching for talent and possibly fulfilling someone’s dream. In the mean time, I will continue to write as this is my love and no one is going to tell me my work is crap - I will not have my joy taken from me. The children’s book all 308 pages needs some serious editing and I will get stuck into that as time allows. Until then I will focus on my talent to consult with clients who need a reliable courier service and rely on my natural ability to make people smile and giggle at the chaos that reigns in my life – thereby giving me more material or my book and enjoy doing it.

Brenda helped with this while I was in Johannesburg. On Wednesday after a grueling day at work and a headache that made me feel like my eyes were going to burst out of my head – I went to go and see my friend Brenda who was in Johannesburg because she had recently lost her father. Brenda and I have been friends since childhood, we share many a wonderful memory, and seeing her was like taking a sip of cool water after being in the desert for years. Her joy in life and never-ending resolve to be a better person makes me so grateful to call her my best friend. Regardless of the hardships she has faced in health and other areas, Brenda keeps on facing the world with a smile and a giggle. When God chose his angels, he decided that some of them had to come to earth in human form. Brenda is one of his angels and I am so grateful that he gave her to me as I have learnt so much from her. Her inner strength and ability to overcome Cancer and not be a victim has shown me that this world we share does have a plan for us and if we just listen and actually hear - we will find our path and find happiness and peace.

I arrived where Brenda was staying with a headache that was threatening to kill me. After sitting in her company for half an hour I felt the tension leave my body and my headache became this soft thud. I reveled in her stories and giggled at her comments of sitting in a boardroom as one of the top executives making decisions and silently asking herself how on earth she got there? Brenda still feels like her 15-year-old self with pigtails and not being able to reach the floor as she sits in the boardroom chairs - all dolled up and commenting and making decisions. No she commented that inside she still feels like the teenager playing squash with me in our home town screeching with laughter, discussing boys and one day when we get married . Reminding me of how our squash games eventually landed up with us sitting on the floor hitting the squash ball as we had giggled ourselves into a pool of tears and laughter. Yes, we all have our 15 year old inside us and do look back and wonder how we got to where we are today. My fear is that one day someone will see through my ACT and ask me whom I think I am kidding when I sit in a boardroom and address people like Brenda who are powerful business people. I giggle at the thought and know that somehow I manage to pull it off and amaze myself that they do not see this 15 year old disguised in my now aged body and wrinkles with a keen love of life. No somehow, I fool them and see a woman who has confidence in herself and her product she is presenting – thank goodness for that!

I enjoyed a lovely afternoon with Brenda, Roz, Trevor, and Aunty Beryl even though the circumstances of visiting her were sad and we reminisced about her dad who was my second father for so many years. We managed to console ourselves with the knowledge that he was no longer in pain and was able to tinker around with engines again and be Mr. Fix it and we knew that now heaven would run smoothly and efficiently. I reluctantly left them and returned to my girls’ flat and braved the Johannesburg traffic.

All my girls greeted me on arrival, Sarah, Cait, Dom and Shane… such a warm lovely welcoming. I love their energy and excitement for life and it was fun trying to keep up with their conversations as they shared their thoughts, dreams and situations they found themselves in. As the evening wore on, I felt my head ache almost completely gone until Dom decided she needed to share how she received this very large bruise on her leg.

Now most people simply tell you what happened, no Dom has to act it out. She stands there and shows how she stumbled into the house after falling up the stairs. Bent over heaving with pain, then she sits down on the back of the chair and heaves some more, mimics her crying actions – stares down at her bruise with big doe like eyes. She then turns to us and acts out her attempts to get a closer look at her bruise now doubled over expecting blood to be shooting out of her shin. I am by now holding my head as my laughter has released more blood into my healing head and the migraine has come back vigorously. I look at my girls and we are all in fits of laughter, holding our stomachs and asking her to please stop, as she then throws herself onto the couch re-enacting her pain and trauma kicking like a child throwing a tantrum and this makes my head explode and I try to breathe in-between gulping for air. I ask her to stop but she then tells me to follow her to the stairs that she tripped on. Cait and Sarah drag me to the stairs to see how this happened. Dom then goes into slow motion, saying Nooooooo and falling in perfect slide show shots, falls onto the stairs and moans slowly, and again says Nooooooo. Next minute she is sprawled on the stairs looking up at us with this expression of pain and tears in her face. She then jumps up and almost falls down the stairs in excitement as she has now not only explained how she hurt her shin she has also shown us.

Hysterical is not a good enough description – it was a combination of the three stooges and Charlie Chaplin all in one. Dom being Charlie Chaplin and instead of three stooges there were four of us. Sarah, Cait, Shane and me. After taking a few more pain pills after the migraine bomb had not worked, I became this giggling schoolgirl with them. Everything was funny, my head was now in another hemisphere and I just had to accept that the colours I was seeing was quite normal and to just ignore the crescendo of pain in my head. Cait looked at me and she then sent me to bed. “Mom, go to bed – you are over tired!” Nice, I was now the child and she was the mother. So cute, I did eventually go to bed and kept Cait up until she snored in my face and I was left alone in the darkness to think about how blessed I am to have my wonderful family, friends and the possibility of new adventures still to come.

Cait is still a bit confused on how she managed to get into bed on Thursday evening after consuming a few glasses of wine with Shane - this was a giggle all on its own.  Shane carried her and I opened the bed covers and we unceremoniously dumped her on the bed.  Cait somehow managed to wrap her legs around the blankets and it was like trying to remove spaghetti from a carpet.  She did not wake up and we shoved her and pulled at the blankets and had this sweet snore escaping from her perfectly formed lips!

Life is good and there are so many opportunities out there. We just have to have the courage to take them and ask for them. Just like my sweet timid colleague did in my meeting with our potential client – she asked for the business and it looks like we are going to be granted it. So do not be scared to dream big or to ask for that miracle or favour – we all are given what we need – not what we want and it happens when we least expect it.