Empty Nest Syndrome

Matt has gone to Johannesburg to handle the new contract for his company. He signed a confidentiality contract so he could not tell me anything because we both quoted for it.


I am now childless except for my Bern who is a three year old in her heart; but have my little zoo too keep me entertained.

God has a brilliant sense of humour...I now am suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome ….

So what did God do? He sent me two ducks to fill my nest. Yes, Bern called me to come and see them swimming in our pool quite happy and definitely at home there.

Bern named them Mutt and Geoff. Well I am telling my sister in law about this and accidentally type

Bern has named them Muff and Geoff...and press the Enter key.

About 45minutesd later, I go back to my Skype messages, glance down at my last message to Carol, and read the comment I sent about the ducks. I burst out laughing and Bern looked at my face, hears me chortling and then giggling and then loud guffaws shoot out my mouth as I am now bright red in the face, embarrassed, and think this is hysterically funny and I try to tell her what I have just done.


Talk about wanting the floor to swallow me up – or foot in mouth syndrome or maybe I just need to send my brain for typing lessons. I was not able to tell her what I wrote because Bern’s sweet serene angelic mom was in the office with us and how do you I say, “Bern, I just told Carol we named our new ducks MUFF and Geoff.” I somehow do not think mom would have been impressed and worst case scenario, what if she asked me what a muff is? I tell you that would have been too much to explain. Like the time mom asked us why we call our cat Fat Cat.



Now Fat Cat was a terror, she would dive bomb us, climb up our legs and backs to sit perched on our heads, and of course, we would screech F Cat. We got so used to calling her F…g Cat that it slipped out too often for comfort. One Sunday when Bern's mom came to visit, Sarah was talking about F*# ing Cat when Granny June (MOM) asked what her name was? Sarah blushed and very quickly said “Oh Gran her name is Fat Cat. Mom was not impressed “Oh can you call that cute tiny cat Fat Cat? You will give her a complex” she turned to Fat Cat and told her lovingly while she stroked her “Shame kitty, you are not Fat, you are lovely,” We of course were unable to speak as we tried to hold back our laughter. Yeah one of those speak before you think moments. I seem to have many of those. Not verbal diarrhea or anything, just speak before I think- or type before read the message. My boss becomes so frustrated with me for this very same reason.

She will Skype me and asks me a simple question.

“Michelle how many deliveries do we do for our client Tie Stop?”

I reply “Cheryl I have been to the airport at least 11 times this week for collections”

“Michelle I am busy with costing, how many times do we do deliveries to Tie Stop and what is the service requested for these Deliveries?”

I reply “Cheryl I am not sure how many deliveries we do as the agent would do these, however when I do collections it is always marked overnight express”

“For Fuuuuuuu… sakes, read what I ask………….I don’t care about collections. I am asking about DELIVERIES!”

I REPLY “Sorry Cheryl”

“#$%&*@ you make me so frustrated… do you know anything about the deliveries?????”

I reply, “Sorry Cheryl I don’t, but I will find out for you and get the Proof of Deliveries sent to you so you can see the services marked from our agents”


“Thank you Michelle Grav!!!!!!!!!”

I decided right there and then I will now respond short and sweet.

So the other day I get a text “Hey Grav is your Skype on?” This is a computer way of chatting on line to work colleagues and family and friends.

I reply “NO”

She then sends another text

“No what”

I look at her text. Sit back and say to myself aloud... trying out the responses.

“No Ma’am, no Boss, no Cheryl” Thinking she must be offended at not using her name or for my lack of manners. I mean I was brought up to not just say “Hello” it has been drummed into my head to say “Hello …and the names follows” but I had decided to be direct with Cheryl and not beat about the bush and just answer what she asks – so her reply really through me. “No what” my automatic response which I keyed into my phone was “No Ma'am!” Hahaha but I deleted that, sat there, and stared of my screen. All confused and flustered.

So I reply

“Sorry Cheryl for being so rude; forget my manners, no my Skype is not on”

I think this will explain everything until I read her reply -

“How were you rude?”

Oh, my God I go onto panic state. I re-read my reply ask myself if I have lost the plot or am I just being daft. I have this fear of giving Cheryl the impression that I am a blithering idiot and cannot possibly be trusted to run her Durban branch and when I get into this state – I go overboard in trying to show my intelligence, thereby actually showing how damn daft I am.

Texts and mails and sms and Skype are so hard to read tones in and I over react and get all hyped up and worry that I am being offensive or just plain stupid; which I seem to do with Cheryl an awful lot.

I look at her message, revert to my normal state, and over explain

“Hi Cheryl, sorry I am driving so I sent you a quick reply to your question about whether my Skype is on and I should have replied No my Skype is not on, but I simply replied “NO” and then realized I was being rude and had lost my manners and did not mean to offend and …blah blah blah.

Cheryl response “you need therapy”

I give up. I need to learn to edit, re-read and then edit again and be more specific. Bet you are saying the same things about my blogs… giggle. When Cheryl was down here she was showing Bern how she gets so frustrated with very dramatic gestures as she pretends to type me on Skype and how she bashes her keys and pulls her hair out and then turns to me and says “You are the only one who makes me so firkin angry on Skype… read your damn message chick.”

I of course laughed with her and told her my version of reading her mails and how I break it down into sentences and see if there are any hidden subliminal messages I am missing and she once again told me I need therapy. Well I guess I do - I have been told this often enough. Alternatively, maybe I just need a long holiday and a couple of bottles of red wine on some deserted island filled with fruit trees and an "all you can eat buffet” just for me?

I now read Cheryl’s mails and re-read them as she does send cryptic mails at times, for example her mail about her HR department and the new member of staff


Miss Deafand Mute- We are pleased to welcome Miss Deafand Mute, please take note that she cannot take phone calls and cannot speak so please put all your requests in writing and mark it for her attention. I swear Cheryl got a letter addressed to Miss Deafand Mute and just shook her head in exasperation. Cheryl was advising her staff to send all requests electronically because she cannot remember everything we tell her. It was hysterical and the sad thing is only a few of us got her context of her mail. She got “NOTED” in response to her mails from everyone else.

So she phoned me, laughed with me, and told me she was going to send a company mail discussing procedures and changes in the company and throw in this sentence

“We have decided we are going to contribute half you salary to the SPCA at the end of the month – please give me your feedback. If I receive no replies I will take it as you have given your consent and will simply deduct the amount and forward to the SPCA on your behalf”

She added that she was sure she would get “NOTED” in response to her mails from the majority of the staff. I giggled and of course now read her mails in even greater detail than I have in the past.


“Noted”….what does that mean exactly

“I have taken note of what you have said”

“Notes have been made on the points raised”

I mean “Noted” is used when she is asking questions for example “we have implemented a new scanning system and we require feedback on how these scanners are working and client feedback” -NOTED is the generic response.

I suggested Cheryl sends out a mail to advise that “Noted regretfully has tendered his/her resignation and please to refrain from sending her/him mails. I bet the response would be “Noted”

This “noted” on reply mails sparked such a debate between various people that Erich our GM boss replied “Noted” after we were forbidden to use :Noted” anymore. I nearly fell off my chair at his cheeky comment.

However, Not as much as response to my phone call. I telephoned and he quite innocently responded. “Hi Grav, listen I am just going to the Loo, so you will have to talk to me while I go there”

Come on people……… who admits that they answer the phone in the loo, and who openly admits that are taking you into the loo while they chat to you. I mean they uses excuses like "No the room is quite empty" when you ask about the echo in the background or the flush is explained away as the kettle or a car rushing by. We all know those noises so who is kidding whom. Well I could not let an opportunity like this pass me by could I?

I responded very quickly “Oh Erich, please take me with you to the Loo, I am so excited… it’s been 11 years since I saw any naked part of a man. Actually, I said, “It's been 11 years since I saw a man's willy” well he did ask for it.

He burst out laughing, tripped over his words, nearly dropped the phone and then continued to talk. So a about 3 minutes later into our discussion I innocently asked if we were finished in the Loo and he said

“No you gave me such stage fright I couldn’t remember if I need to break wind, pee or have a number two.” Very funny! I bet that is the last time he openly tells anyone he is taking him or her into the loo to chat on the phone.

Any way after my Skype to Carol telling her about our new additions to our family, she giggled and of course teased me about my choice of name for the duck and commented that she now knows what I have on my mind. Really, Carol… would I ever?

We now have two ducks who have taken residence in our pool and they are the new staff members and are so cute. Bern has kept the dogs in the front of the garden in the hopes that they will stay a little longer. I think we have more than enough animals – but a few more will help me in my empty nest syndrome, as I must say it is harder than I thought it would be.

I am Such a stupid mom – I Feel shattered, I did not want to get up this morning and last night while washing dishes I added my salty tears to the water in the sink and kept on telling myself to stop being such a baby and grow up and hid my face in the dish towel and howled.. The Saturday night before I was watching “Mama Mia” where the mother is assisting her daughter to get ready for the wedding and signing about lost moments and I just sobbed. In fact am tearing up again- I really must go on line to see if there is a cure for these leaky eyes of mine. I told Matt I cried on Sunday morning and he apologized. “Sorry mom I never wanted to hurt you again. Seems I keep on leaving you but this time it’s on much better circumstances.”

Well thank you Matt for those words... Made me want to howl at the nonexistent moon in the middle of the day. So I did what every mom does -I cooked a big lunch for him before left. In addition, gave him extra toiletries and whatever change I had so he could stop and get something on the road and in parting made up a bottle of cool drink for him. I was reduced to tears again when I received a text from him. “Thank you mom and Bern for everything – and I really mean it”

Oh, it is so nice to hear or in this case read those words from my son who finds it very hard to share his emotions.

Matt left  without incident for Johannesburg, all his bags packed and loads of boxes and I tearfully waived him off but did not cry because I know I will be seeing him this week as I am going to Johannesburg for business. Then the unexpected happened - he broke down 170km from Johannesburg in our very “safe” country. I went into over drive and panic and wanted to kill the company mechanic for not checking the car out before he handed it to Matt. He put a new radiator in the bakkie and 170km from Johannesburg; the radiator sprung a leak and I suppose the overheating seized the engine. Matt was not going fast because I worked out the time of when he left. So the useless mechanic made my son sit while they made a plan. 3 hours later a colleague fetched him.

My poor boy sat and sat with no food and only my mixed juice I gave him for the road and nowhere to buy something to eat and this made me even more emotional. As I said such a baby when it comes to my kids... I was terrified he would be mugged.

To relax I cleaned the kitchen and tried to take my mind off matters. I landed up with a very clean kitchen and one hell of a headache. I think Cheryl is right - I need therapy. Lol

Sarah brought her sweet puppy last week to board with us until she finds a place with a garden so my empty nest is not so empty; I now am fostering a “child”



I suppose my zoo will keep me busy-What with the ducks who have now taken residence in our pool; Jinx, Fiona, Little Boy and Monster Kitty and her children. Mofo, Angel, Tabby and Ginger Boy. I may as well start an animal rescue place. In addition, Bern getting a sausage dog from a woman in Ladysmith in November. Yes, I hear you – Michelle do you not know when enough is enough… clearly not!
My children have left home and I will survive and Bern will eventually get me to stop being so blue and I will focus on my branch here and soon I will resemble a sane person again. But until then I am sure I will keep everyone entertained with my messages and typing skills and who knows I may even find a cure for my eyes that tear up for no reason. “Note to self... Do not listen to “’Slipping through my fingers” while I am driving because I know I will not be able to see the road for the sudden rush of emotion at the loss I feel. Anyone want to join my pity party? Tickets are free - I have the tissues, you bring the music and the red wine and we can sing, wail, and hire ourselves out as professional mourners.


Until next time, please enjoy your week and spare a thought for the mentally challenged – me!