Being a Mom !!!!! I love IT

Well there isn’t much that can top my blog from Friday. What a total idiot I made of myself and so much for my declaration to my client – how do I let these things happen to me? But as my very wise Mom always warned me while growing up, “After laughter comes crying ….!” So I suppose it shouldn’t surprise you that this weekend was not as anticipated. Isn’t that just how the universe works?

What is that saying about the Best Laid plans Mice and Men? I am not going to get all morbid here, but we lost one of our animals to "Parvo Virus" and it was quite a shattering weekend to say the least. Our little Beasty Boy left us on Saturday after a very short time on earth and he was our little treasure with an inner sense of when you need a hug I haven’t seen in a while in an animal.

We have all been blessed by these “special” pets in our lives. I call them angels in disguise. They come into our lives and as you may have read in a few of my blogs they can wreak havoc, but they give so much joy and expect so little in return. Thank goodness we have had them in our lives and can hold their memories dear and share the happy moments, the frantic laughter moments and the Ahhhh sweet moments when we feel ourselves slipping into that abyss of despair.

Well today I am digging deep for little memories that will lift my day and as I sit here I am overcome with the irony of life and how the Universe just seems to have fun at our expense or how it gives us an unexpected surprise. It could be in the form of an e-mail or in my case a client I saw for all of three minutes decided to make use of my company for her courier – we are given that flash of hope in so many instances of better things to come – like our very pregnant Cat Ally deciding she just has to sit on my knee while I am trying to put my shoes on this morning before work. I have the claw marks to prove just how small my knee is compared to her ever increasing bottom.

She is so filled with love and I can only imagine how she feels with these little wiggly babies inside her. The other night she was laying stretched out in an attempt to get comfortable I guess and I watched in awe has her tummy did the jiggling and dancing bit all on their own. Is this not an incredible sight? I have to say when I was carrying my sweet children I was just as fascinated with the way the stomach “comes to life” and moves when you get into a cold pool or just when you have finished your chores and are ready for bed, it’s like this is the sign they have been waiting for to have their own midnight “Rave” inside of you.


No matter how you try to shift that foot that is sticking into your throat almost out of your mouth - they are determined to just put it back and kick the living day lights out of you. It always fascinated me when my mum was expecting Dene when she climbed into our pool in Bulawayo “The House of 39 Steps”; the pool was built in between these huge boulders and the water was icy cold. It took a very brave person to swim and even though I was not brave, I did enjoy the occasional DIP. Well mum was in her last months and as you can imagine at her slightly late age of 40 expecting her 4th child which a wonderful gift it was no surprise she was not coping with the heat. Well the December before Dene was born was one of the hottest Decembers we had experienced right up to February 28th when he was born, so mum did the “dip in the pool” quite often.

It fascinated me the way her rounded belly would actually move up as she stepped into the water, I could almost see the baby inside trying to climb out! It really is the cutest thing to see how they react to changes of temperatures - The magic of nature! The bundle tightens up and I can imagine the legs being curled up in the womb and this bundle no longer in the low position but almost under the mother’s chin! -the baby obviously thinking, what is going on out there. Magical!

While I was carrying Mathew I could relate to what my mum must have felt when she was expecting Dene as my Mat was an extremely active baby – (not much has changed there as a child and now a young Man!) As most pregnant mothers do, I rested my plate of food on my every growing stomach when eating in front of the television. Well I soon learnt that with Mathew this has consequences. I was not very pleased when he managed to kick it right off my stomach and I had this curry mess all over my nice white carpet. Actually it was quite funny at the time and of course Adrian was convinced we had a ruby player in our midst. Well Mathew has not disappointed us in his sporting skills or his very active nature. Keeping up with him while he was a toddler was quite a feat.

I remember Adrian’s mum telling me that Adrian was a terror on wheels when he was growing up and that this was the Universe’s way of settling the score…… pity Adrian did not stick around to actually pay the price of his misadventures – no I was the one who had to look in every possible hiding place that a child could imagine to find this little munchkin. He came home one day with his “shadow” Caitlin covered in mud, and I mean covered in mud. They had decided to go and play in the wet lands at Modderfontein. There was no way Skip/Surf of any magical cleaning agent could save their clothes and I just shook my head as Adrian mum told me of a story about Adrian playing in the pigs sty and needing to be spayed off outside in the extreme cold in Ireland as a young child. Oh well I suppose there will be the “Pay back” when he has children.

Mathew and Caitlin where always in the thick of things. Walking tornadoes those two, and no adventure was too dangerous or too much trouble. At least I was blissfully unaware at the time of everything they got up to as they hid the evidence really well, but now I get snatches of what they got up to and realize the “Mom of the Year Award" I believed I earned - I most definitely did not. How about Clueless Mother of the year award! I am grateful they survived to reap the benefits of those experiences and have the delight in knowing they will face the same challenges with their own wonderful children. Oh pay back is good and this time I can sit back and smile and offer my words of wisdom knowing completely that there are no words of wisdom for children and the antics they get up to. Oh I do look forward to that day, to be a Grandmother and love my grandchildren and then hand them to their parents and retreat to my quiet tidy house and smile at what beautiful grandchildren I have. And as I sit on my rocking chair and sip my glass of red wine I will know the truth of my mother’s words – “Just wait till you have children!”


Mathew was so excited about my pregnancy when I was carrying Catlin and one time at the supermarket he just had to share his excitement. Right there in the isle of a shopping centre, he lifted my dress and showed the world his baby! Now a pregnant woman as we know is not at her best in her last weeks and then add to that you have legs of a hippo, Boobs that Dolly Parton can only dream of and the worst of all, no under wear in the world can ever make a pregnant woman look GOOD. So there I stood trying to pull him out of under my preggy dress and hold my dress down as he patted and loved my huge belly. Oh the joys! But you know what I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world.

Like the time Sarah decided in the Wimpy that she just has to have more chips with tomatoes sauce and proceeded to scream at the top of her voice and then …………………….she decided she just had to see how far she could throw her chips across the room hitting the poor customers as her chips flew through the air dripping tomato sauce and spraying everyone in their path. And the manger who adored her rewarded her with an ice cream. Go girl, work that magic is what he said and Sarah of course lapped it up. I think her red hair is a dead give away to not Cross her so to speak as she has a bubbling temper like a volcano which she is in control for the most part. Oh wow betides the person who pushed the wrong button. I really don’t want to be a witness to that!

Caitlin has not been without her little incidents, as I said usually with the encouragement of her brother Mat who she adored. However she had a few moments when she needed no encouragement. We were at a concert in the park in Johannesburg, all sitting watching the show when Caitlin decided to go up on stage and walk up to the performer. And of course her cute little smile and with this little three year old courage in her, she reached up and asked for the microphone. Now who on earth could deny this request. Well she took the mike, turned to face the crowd and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and strutted her stuff and won over the crowd.

Now the main star attraction was not too happy to be outdone by a toddler especially as she had the crowds in the palm of her hands and was working the crowd, swinging her tiny hips and being oh so cute and adorable. He landed up chasing her around the stage trying to get the microphone back when she absolutely refused to relinquish her spot light. Hmmmmmmmmmmm come to think of it … she was much more entertaining than him.

The crowds booed him when he finally got the microphone and I managed to grab little Cait of the stage. Remember I was also trying to catch her, in the most serene and patient manner under extreme circumstances and embarrassment as I am the last person you will ever see on a stage. I tried to keep my dignity as I tried to bribe her off the stage smiling that pained smile that we mother have perfected over the years and running tripping skipping after this over active three year old who could hide under microphones and in between the drums - Quite an adventure she had that day!!!

One of my absolute favourite stories however is the one that Bernadette’s mom tells of the day Bernadette ran away from her crèche – all of 4 years old. She decided she needed to show her 1st girl friend where she lived and was so proud of the fact that she could be so grown up. There she was showing off her house arms spread in glee “This is where I live!” - To her astonishment the front door flew open and there was her older brother glaring at her in shock and surprise. “What are you doing here; you are supposed to be at school!” To which she replied “I am showing my friend where I Live!” well needless to say she did get into serious trouble and was warned about running away.

In fact the way she tells it Mark ruined the whole thing and shattered her little world as he told on her and she got spanked for her adventure. - (at 4 years old she was already taking control of her life and knew no fear juvenile delinquent in the making perhaps)……. (Now that is Bern’s description not mine)
Well my comment to Bern was and still is …….hmmm you are supposed to run away from home not to home!

Being a mom, whether it’s for my angels dressed in Fur on four Legs or mom to my wonderful three children and many “adopted children” through the years is the Gift I know I deserve and the one job I would never ever resign from, the rewards are never ending and the tears are mostly tears of joy. This is one of the greatest Gifts Ever.

Foot in the Mouth Syndrome

Ever have one of those days when you “take your foot out – only to put the other one in?”

Well I have had had such a day this week. Let me give you some back ground.

Bern and I are going to Johannesburg for the Easter weekend and need a place to stay as Sarah and Cait stay in a tiny place that they feel will not accommodate our large bodies. LOL, it’s a lovely place but does not have the room to accommodate an extra two people – so I approached my “adopted” Daughter Dom’s mom Tracey for a place to rest our weary heads. To my surprise and absolute delight she agreed to open her sane home to Bern and I even though I warned her that she and Derrick would need serious therapy afterwards as chaos seems to follow me.

Tracey giggled and I swear I could hear that giggle of “Oh damn I can’t say no now can I?” So we have a place to stay and I thanked her for her gracious offer and told her when to expect us.

Well I received a phone call from her on Wednesday asking me if I had a BLOW UP MATTRESS – no now don’t beat me to the punch line…..

So I replied no I don’t have one, Sarah has a blow up mattress, but I don’t know about any other type of blow up thingy she may have and its none of my business”

Well Tracey laughed and said

“Oh My G&% you are so naughty Michelle are you going to behave yourself?”(I am sure I detected a tremor of fear in her voice) So I asked her if she was worried and she replied laughing (with that tremor of fear which was sounding a lot like hysteria now) “Derrick (her husband) will not know how to cope!” and giggled again.

So I said (which I think she took the wrong way) “No I am only like this with woman ….$%%#@@^&^&!!!! – Silence from her end of the phone. So instead of being quiet and just leaving it at that. NO I take my foot out and put the other one in.

I realized what I had said and said “Oh my G&* Tracey I don’t mean it as a come on to you and not on that way at all. Then realizing that I may be now insulting her I took the left foot out of my mouth and put the right one in again.

“Not that you aren’t attractive or anything, you are and"; then I took the right foot out and put the left foot in

“It's just that woman are so much more OPEN” (now I am calling her a loose woman) and I carried on with my tirade of useless mumble, “and they talk more freely” (now she is a gossip and chatter box) and then I add quickly changing feet again

“Besides you are no angel, and you must not pretend you are an Angel coz I have seen you in action. (Now she is more than a loose woman she is a VAMP and I am a voyeur)

So I tried to explain “I spent an afternoon with you” (now I am intimating that she is a cheat too. Good grief Michelle just stop talking I hear the many voices in my head say) “and you were a Riot”

Well I ended the call with, Tracey I really appreciate you opening your home to Bern and I, we are so looking forward to seeing you and I will bring the wine! Now I am sure that really assured her.

(Now let’s re-cap – I have accused Tracey of being:
1. Being unattractive - this is so not the case she is actually a Lovely Woman
2. A Loose woman – this is so far from the truth, she is the Poster Girl for how mom’s are supposed to behave – unlike ME
3. A Gossip and Chatter box – Ok well she does love to Chat so I will maybe review this statement but she is NOT a Gossip – well we have established Tracy is the Poster Mother so this would not fit her at all
4. A Loose Woman once again and add that she is in fact a VAMP and I am a voyeur because I watched her. -Tracey can only be described as quite innocent of the ways of the world
5. Cheating on her hubby with me! Tracey would NEVER
6. No self control because I told her she was a Riot. – Tracey is very demure and well behaved and the total opposite of me.
7. Last and final Insult – An alcoholic.

It just does not get any better than this. How do you come back from this and explain and say sorry -Flowers and Cards will just not be sufficient.

Why didn’t I just stop at “Yes Sarah has a blow up mattress” (How to win friends and influence people, I need to run a course on what not to say or do to impress people)

I am expecting a call telling me that the family has come down with some terrible illness and they have had to be quarantined or that Derrick has been transferred to China and they are not leaving a forwarding address.

I swear I wonder what gets into me sometimes (no I don’t drink at work) it’s like this other person takes over and I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I just can’t help myself. I am past help. I am infected with Verbal Diarrhea and I say the most outrages things and you would think the shock and horror on the people’s faces or the dead silence is a dead giveaway…..

Well not my translation button or interpretation button is clearly in need of repair. Do I stop, do I keep quiet, do I say oops and leave it at that?

NO I babble off at the mouth and just let the Genie out of the bottle and let my words fall where they may and am absolutely clueless that I am in fact disturbing the “Force” and there will be repercussions of World destruction kind. I am a bloody walking disaster Zone. I should wear a sign that says APPROACH WITH CARE AND ENTER AT OWN RISK!

I was telling Bern that I think I may have inadvertently jeopardized our Easter sleeping arrangements and explained the whole sad saga.

Bern replied “Well I can see where Caitlin gets it from! – Next time put both feet in!" Well Bern that was a great deal of help. Thank you very much!

Well I now have a to find a solution to my “illness”………. Because the Mouth monster has just attacked me again……….

This is my Skype to Bern

Me: Oh my G**.... my bloody mouth

Bern: what's wrong with your mouth

Me: well my client phoned me. But I thought it was Tash
It was NOT it was Access Clips.........
: So Yvonne (NOT TASH) said hello and I said hi what good news have you got to tell me.. (Tash has just been Hijacked and they found her Car, thankfully they left her alone.
: So Yvonne said, NO how about you tell me some good news
Now I think I am still taking to Tash

Bern: ok
: And?????

Me: so I just jump right in with both feet
: Oh I am going to have great sex this weekend
: .............
My instruction to Bern: now get up off the floor: stop laughing at me

Bern: so who was it that phoned?
: Thank god chair has arms otherwise I would have fallen out

Me: Yvonne from Access Clips!: The client who is not happy with our service. So am I sensitive to her needs and inconvenience we have caused her? I think it shows don’t you?
: No I rub it in that I am going to HAVE GREAT SEX AND OH MY GOD; (I am crying here with laughter)
: I am so good with clients aren’t I? So empathetic!(well… Shew tears streaming down my face. Red as a beetroot)
: I hear her laugh and she says that the best thing she has ever heard. And I realize it’s my client

Bern: What did she say?

Me: SHE LAUGHED AND SCREAMED WITH MORE LAUGHTER AND SAID
: I AM VERY HAPPY WITH YOU

Bern: you are such an idiot!!!! Have just told Val
: My stomach is so sore

Me: not funny, there she wants to know about her parcel and our service failures and I tell her in so many words I just don’t care. I am getting laid this weekend.

Bern: Well, at least you gave her a good laugh for the day!
-0-
I tried to be professional after I realized it was her, but how do you come back from that. I blushed, roared and roared with laughter some more, apologized and asked her if I had offended her and promised to come back to her with a response.

She now thinks I am a sex fiend and when I see her on Tuesday to sort out all her queries and be professional which I will try to carry off with the utmost respect and charm and control - but I am going to have to walk in with a bag on my head and chocolates or maybe I should just rescue her from me and not go at all.

I wish I had a rewind button and delete button for my bloody mouth.

Courage over adversity

Pondering the bigger picture after adversity

I am sure we all have days when we sit and ponder (another excuse for not wanting to work or face the challenges we have in our life) Like that poster I saw as a teenager
"Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit!"

This weekend was a weekend of relaxing and watching the sea and looking at life from a couch with a glass of wine in my hand. We talked about my children and the paths they have chosen and about how things in life have chose our paths for us. For example, that hostile and horrific invasion we had in our home 9 years ago and how some people use this adversity to change their lives and they become public speakers or write books about self growth or somehow help other people.

Not me, I have no excuse for not helping other people; their situations were no less tragic than mine or no more tragic than mine in the bigger picture of life. No, I just got on with life and decided that I would not let the joy be robbed from me or my family. Bernadette and my family pretty much decided on the same thing and yes we have days when the flash backs are so horrific that we can be forgiven for a complete melt down.I had one of those the other day and to my absolute embarrassment and sheer humiliation it happened at work and was triggered off by work.

There was this collection that needed to be done in an area that every company we spoke to refused to go into. Well one of the staff members from my head office decided to take the boss’s instructions to get me INVOLVED and translated it in a mail to me, telling me to go and collect the parcel.

I sat at my desk and read the mail and re-read the mail... I felt my temperature rise and decided to phone the boss to tell him ABSOLUTELY NOT. Well I dialed the number – asked for him only to be told he was not available – “pause” then I asked for the person who sent the mail.

This is when my body was invaded by an alien who just went off and exploded and had a complete melt down and used language a sailor would be ashamed of. The conversation was supposed to go something like this
“Hello……. Um listen about that collection, no sorry I can’t do it, it’s not possible as it’s a danger zone, please tell the boss to find another solution”

……..This is how it went
“Hello…. Shriek, scream, pause for breath, what the %^&* do you think you doing asking me to go into an area that other companies have already refused to go in. Are you ^^$% insane, do I mean that little to the company?” Now the hysteria hit me and this flash back hit my like a tidal wave that totally overwhelmed me and took me to a place I had locked away and hoped to never see again. Then insanity took over and the water works of the world landed up in my eyes and the sobbing could only be described as the woes of the world on one person shoulders, and rage and anger and complete terror.

I subjected the poor, apologetic person to my tirade of verbal and hysterical abuse while they were trying to console me. Now this man is gentile and so helpful and most definitely did not deserve my outburst and I think he needed therapy after I just lost it and an apology just does not cover it – thank goodness he is still talking to me.

It took me ages to calm down and the memory still makes me feel humiliated. All I should have done was JUST SAY NO! Hmmmmmm well I will try that next time before I am possessed by the crazy person who took over my normal calm demeanor and turned it into a jumble or fear, hate, terror and an avalanche of tears.

Just say No! is what my Boss told me to do once I had managed to calm down and it took some serious scolding from her to get me to calm down and admonishment for my ever thinking they would or could suggest sending anyone into a danger Zone! As I said earlier, my sanity took a quick departure out my normally calm head and I turned into this person I never want to be again.

Well saying NO Hmmmmmm - that is not something I am very good at saying. I have tried, and last year I tried it on the wicked Land Lady, and guess what it did not work, I was threatened and stalked and had my electricity switched off during Christmas by her cruel vindictive nature and so help me I swear she must have swallowed an alien as no alien would have dared to actually approach her face to face. She is one scary woman.

Now I am not a coward. In fact since the attack, I have realized that other than a repeat of being attacked, there is nothing humans can actually do to me to break my spirit. Oh sure they can bend it and maybe change my direction for a short while, but in truth I am actually a survivor and this I am sure has given my ex-husbands a few grey hairs at their inability to actually destroy me. And those so-called friends who swore allegiance to the death who were in secret plotting my demise and trying to get me fired. If the attackers did not succeed in destroying me or my family, I say to them BRING IT ON, you haven't seen me at my best.

The attack and ATTEMPTED rape of Bern and Sarah is something I find very hard to talk about, but my hope is that this event may help someone out there who is still struggling with the aftermath and that maybe it will give them a bit of peace to realize that life does carry on. In order for me to do that I will give what I hope to be a brief outline of what happened, but the important thing for the reader to keep in mind is that during this whole event, Bern, Sarah and I were being protected by a stronger force. So this is what I will tell you about. Now whatever your beliefs are and whomever you pray to is not the debate. I will tell you this much, we do have a force out there that does protect us and we can call him or her WHAT EVER we want. I most probably shouldn’t even get into this, but after that emotional breakdown I think I need to put it down in words so please don’t stop reading because our beliefs differ or you find the whole thing horrific. I can assure you we survived and are stronger because of it.

That e-mail I mentioned above telling me to go into a danger zone just opened up the door to the horrors of that evening.

I have spent this week trying to put it behind me and move on and have had severe headaches like you cannot believe and to add to this I have the pressures of agents not doing their work and small things seem to send me over the edge and things that I cope with daily are just too much for me and this makes me so angry that I want to just throw in the towel and runaway; but as I said I am no coward and have accepted that I need to deal with it all over again. So this is my story. You can read on or not. It’s your choice totally


We were woken by torches in our faces at what is known as the dead time of the night. 3.00am when we humans are at our deepest sleep and are at our most vulnerable. I awoke with a scream which woke my Sarah up and one of the intruders went to her room and dragged her at knife point into Bern and my room.

I knew immediately that we were in serious danger, and whispered to Bern that they were going to rape us and then god willing kill us. Bern said she knew. I was shaking and trying to not show Sarah how scared I was and was holding her hand while she sat next to the bed... the one bastard lay on top of me to stop me from moving and searched the bed for weapons and under the pillows asking where my husband was and the other one held a knife to Bern’s throat also looking for weapons.

The intruder who was on my side of the bed was not so gentle when he was searching under the bed with me and the invasion of his stinking breathe and hands is one that still makes me shudder as he groped my body and invaded me. That invasion this pigs hands is something I haven’t even shared with Bern or my family.

The details are not important but the divine intervention is what I need to share. We realized we were in trouble and all three of us began to pray. This infuriated the invaders of our world and they turned even more violent and tried to break us.They shouted that our God would not help us and taunted me with the fact that Matt and Cait were asleep and they were going to have fun with them afterwards. something no mother ever wants to hear. and the instinct to protect them took over and a mother Will die to protect her children. At one point I have to say I was not of this world anymore - i was strangled and Bern and Sarah had to watch helpless as I left this earth - and we have all heard of the journey through the light and the “Meeting with our Maker”, I physically experienced this. I was in this place of love and warmth and my dear mother was there too telling me I could let go and I would not have to worry about my children.

I experienced it all and more and seeing my mother was such a gift and gave me such comfort. Our Maker’s voice was so warm and healing and I felt no pain and was filled with love and peace and gratitude and once again words fail me when trying to describe this divine experience. I was given the choice to come back, which obviously I chose to come back for my children. I was clearly targeted by the intruders as I am the Mother and considered the dangerous one in an attack on her children so they decided to destroy me first. Well they failed miserably. When the strangling did not work I was stabbed in the head and arm and chest and punched in the face.


What was obvious in the bedroom was the change of the temperature, it became cooler and by now Sarah had been moved into the bed between Bern and I and they had to watch me being stabbed and strangled. But we never once lost faith and after my visit with our maker I knew we would not be harmed seriously and would survive the ordeal. We were surrounded by the an angel, he had his wings wrapped around us, and the living proof of this is that I am still here, as one of the intruders stabbed me in my chest with all his might and it only penetrated about 3mm- NOT FURTHER and it was our very own carving knife so believe me when I tell you it was sharp and huge, it was deflected off the Angel’s wings. Both Sarah and Bern will testify to this.

We were not alone and we were being protected. We three ladies all heard this voice in our head, (not the type from booze or drugs ok) telling us to wait. I was locked in a cupboard and the two animals decided it was time to try and have their disgusting way with Bern and Sarah, and in the darkness of the cupboard, I could hear this voice telling me to wait, because I was in deep prayer and every time I closed my eyes the cupboard was bathed in this brilliant white luminous colour which has no description. I have tried to describe the white brilliance with tinges of gold but am absolutely powerless to describe it. And the face of Our Lord was etched his silhouette of his face from when he was crucified when I closed my eyes. The cupboard was in complete darkness and when I opened my eyes there was no shining light.

For those of you who know the bible, Veronica wiped Jesus’ face with a cloth and the imprint of his face was left behind on the cloth. Now this is what I saw every time I closed my eyes. The comfort this gave me and the courage this gave me is the only reason I was able to come through this attack. I really cannot give this the full description and amazement it deserves as the words have not been invented to describe this beauty or this power. The only way to describe it is divine intervention.

Well the cupboard was supposed to be locked with me in it, but this was not the case and I opened it just enough to try and see how I could help MY Bern and my Sarah. All the while I wanted to rush out and attack them with all my stab wounds on my head and my seriously hurt throat from the strangling, but the voice was insistent. ‘WAIT – WAIT – WAIT and then the words I was longing to hear “NOW”

We all reacted at the same time. I still describe it as God direction a movie and when he said Now – it can be translated into the producer of a movie saying ACTION – WELL ALL REACTED IN UNISON. Sarah, Bern and myself and caught them totally off guard. Bern grabbed the knife that was at her throat and shoved the animal off her and as she did that I kicked the door of the cupboard open and knocked him flying into the dressing table; Sarah kicked the other sick animal off her and he ran away in terror.

These violent sick bastards ran like the cowards they are and even though we needed stitches and Bern had to have micro surgery on her hand, and I needed a Knee reconstruction as a result of my trying to get help and a jump over a wall which was not so low on the other side of the wall. Total reconstruction of the knee and all plates and all the stuff that goes with it. My children were not harmed just as my mother had told me when I was in the bright light with her and our Maker.

Sadly we lost two of our wonderful German Sheppard’s to their poison and this still makes my heart stop at their cruelty. We survived and lived to testify at their court case and have the relief of knowing that they would never see the light of day in the free world ever again. (Well here’s hoping because in South Africa even the worst criminals in the “Most” secure prisons escape with the help of the authorities if the money is right!) But I will leave that part in the hands of our creator and trust him to keep everyone safe from these serial rapists. My memory has been affected when it actually comes to their names and I choose to leave it like this. As far as I am concerned they do not deserve to have a name nor have their names spoken ever again.

The Inspector in charge of their spree of violence and carnage was such a tower of strength, however after the case was finalized he had to leave that particular department because of the carnage he witnessed and the lives that were destroyed by these two individuals. In total 11 families were destroyed by their evil attacks and even children were not spared. I still ask myself why it was only our family that was spared the final humiliation and invasion, but I also thank God everyday that we were spared from their real intentions and evil forever be in awe of his amazing power and the power of prayer.

We were also overwhelmed and most grateful for the people who stepped into help us. Friends stayed with us while we were in a state of shock in the house. My sweat friend Andrew slept in our room while Bern, Sarah, Cait and Mat all slept in adjoining rooms barracked in. Andrew had to deal with kittens and two moms who had given birth a few weeks previously and they attacked him all night and he was such a source of comfort and love and support. There was one incident where he nearly shot the poor domestic who was also staying in the house for safety, but thank goodness he realized it was her before he pulled the trigger. Needless to say she moved back outside to her place of residence after that night. She must have thought it was safer than being in the house with the terrified family.

Clients who Bern dealt with at work came and put up security gates at their own expense and secured our sleeping areas. My colleagues at work drove me to see clients and fetched and carried me for appointments with the physio. Bern’s family sent us away for a week of recovery with hot water springs and we were able to take back control of our lives and heal and face life with a smile again and tremendous courage.

We were so blessed by our friends – acquaintances and complete strangers and once the ordeal was over and we were on our way back to an almost semblance of normal, these wonderful people retreated into the shadows – just like angels and we did not hear from them again. Angels I absolutely believe take human form to help in times of crisis and need.

The people who acted like angels, I thank you, for the angels who acted like humans – I thank you. I thank God daily and for my Family and Bern I thank them daily for their support and understanding. For Bern who risked her life and took a chance by grabbing the knife and nearly lost the use of her hand as well as being stabbed in her attempt to prevent the attack form going any further, I thank her for saving my Sarah from ………..Hmmmmmm cant even say it. I will forever be grateful and thankful for her courage.

So this is my story, edited and watered down. I have written it so that I can once again put the ghosts in the past and face another day. I hope that in some way this may help others who have experienced some sort of crime in this very crime ridden society we live in – know they are not alone and we all share the pain and the courage to carry on.

So next time you ponder life and wonder why and how can we survive, just know that we as humans are not alone and no matter how terrible things are we can turn to each other for help. Just watch the sunset in its Magnificent Glory and its is more than obvious that we are not in charge of our destiny and sometimes it's nice to know that your vehicle through life is been driven by a co-driver when you feel you just can't face another day.

Last year I shared an incident where the landlord decided to fix the Loo at our work and so help me it was bad enough at the time. Well three months later they had to do it again. I felt like I was a Mr. Wobbly Man on the loo as it rocked when you sat on it. Needless to say I dreaded going to the loo.
Well it is now fixed but somehow they attached it so that the seat does not stay up, so you have to be a bloody magician to undo the clothing and hold up the seat and sit down before it claps (hits) you on the spine. Not a nice experience and i f you anything like me you try not to actually sit on the seat, so this is acrobatics plus being put in a Chinese torture situation.

Then I received this mail and oh my and cannot describe the sounds of laughter coming out my mouth as I read it, in fact Jeff come running into my office to see if I was choking- no its one of those uncontrollable laughing fits that makes the tears run down your face. So be prepared and have the tissues ready and do not have a full bladder as I will not be held responsible if you have an accident. .. below is not my story but i had to share it.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with fewer flavors.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ..


On the subject of Colonoscopies.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

**********************************************************************

Enjoy your weekend. We are off to the "Cottage at the Sea" and I am so looking forward to a break from the heat and a few bottles of wine.

Tuesday and the woes that go with it!

It’s a lovely drizzling day and finally we have a break in the heat, however my hair is not enjoying this moist weather. I think I must be related to some Rastafarian because the hair just does its own thing. I most certainly did not get my hair from my dad as he did not have much hair in his later years. However as a young man he did have quite a nice mop of hair and was quite proud of it and I think his buddies were very aware of this.

I must have been about 6 years old when this man walked into our house and try as I might I could not accept that this was my dad. He had no hair at all. Shaved bald like a billiard cue! I promptly burst out crying an absolutely refused to go near him. I kept on telling him to put his hair back on. Bain was equally horrified but my mother was neither horrified nor terrified, she was livid to say the least. It turned out that my dad had lost a bet in a card game or some sports match bet and he had to forfeit his hair. Now not all of us are born with perfect shaped heads and Mr. Potato head would have been a better stand in dad as far as I was concerned at that time.

This vision of a shining head was more than my six year old heart could cope with and I know I was terrified of this person Called “BET” and asked my dad where he had “lost” him and if that is the punishment he got for losing him. It was only years later that I understood of course – but to this day I do not take on a bet with a friend or my children. I have seen the results of losing a bet and trust me I do not want to pay the price of losing one of those. So I will settle for my unruly hair and my bad hair days rather than scare the living day lights out of everyone I meet.

Now Bern told me about her nephew who went on a rugby tour and his initiation was to have his eye brows shaved off. We take our eye brows so much for granted but the way she describes it, Carl looked worse than “odd” without his eye brows. When he got off the bus to greet Anne his mother she stood there stunned and could not quite place what was wrong with her son, he looked decidedly odd almost horror movie odd. It took her a few seconds to work out he had no eye brows. For weeks after that Carl used an eye pencil to draw in eyebrows, and try as he might he could not get the shape right and he actually looked like a circus clown if you are to believe e his description of “painting his eye brows”. As result of his initiation he now has a mono-brow and still curses them for the humiliation he was put through and swears if he was not such a MAN he would get the mono waxed to be two eye brows but real men don’t wax. Oh Carl, yes they do, they just don’t advertise it.

I have done the tweezing thing with a bit more gusto that I should have and landed up with thin pencil shaped eyebrows. I have this surprised look on my face all the time and I watch the faces of the people I talk to change as they begin mimicking my expression. We both land up sitting there with this “OH” look of surprise on our faces. I find this very amusing as mine is a natural look of shock and amazement but theirs is one of “My face muscles have frozen” by the time we have finished talking… quite amusing and entertaining to say the least. I have also been desperate to get rid of a stray eye brow and pulled the hair out with my fingers only to find I have missed the rebel eyebrow totally and have been left with a bald spot…..Trust me not a good look! Speaking of good looks…..

The big Hair days. …… I cannot believe our family and friends allowed us to leave the house with this mad hairstyle of the 80’s. We were all trying to be Farah Fawcett and copy her hair style; wearing our Linda Evans and Joan Crawford shoulder pads in our tops and jackets from the Dynasty TV Series era.
Picture me - 5ft; 2 inches, I looked like a pineapple American Foot ball player. With shoulders way to wide and hair like I had been electrocuted and the “S” shaped stiletto heels. Boy we were cool! (Not!) And we also loved out stove pipe jeans; this generation calls the skinny jeans; we managed to perfect the art of looking like sausages in a sausage machine with our padded shoulders and wild; wild hair. I am surprised we ever landed up sane and ever found employment with this type of abuse we subjected ourselves to.….. Have you ever watched anyone putting these types of jeans on?

They dance themselves into the jeans. Jumping up and down on one spot hoping it will get gravity to help push the bumps and curves into the jeans. Dancing around, stumbling as the jeans are not even past the knees yet, stumbling over the furniture in our rooms and the cat or dog joining in on the fun and games. Then finally the jeans are pulled up to our waists ( some so high they sit just below the rib cage!) as we wore waist high jeans, not hipsters like today’s jeans - and no matter how hard you try to zip up the jeans while standing, Gravity just will not allow this major operation to take place.

So you lie down on the bed, take a deep breath and pull in your stomach and play tug of war with your zipper and pull. It moves a few centimeters. You then take a deep breath again and hold in your stomach AND THEN PULL THE ZIP AGAIN. Now I know I was not the only person who did this as my friends also wore these skin tight jeans and we did not have Stretch Jeans in the Dark Ages. So I was part of the insane era that wanted to look cool in out tight; tight jeans and padded shoulders!!

One day my sister Val; who is 10 years younger than me walked in on me and watched my struggle with the stove pipe jeans and I was huffing and puffing and trying to do the zip on these wonderfully “Sexy” jeans. She then looked at me and asked, “Shell how you are going to go to the Loo and then do the zip up again?” “Why don’t you just buy jeans that fit you?” For that she got a “I will kill you, get out of my room and don’t touch my stuff!” reply. Of course she was right, because going to the Ladies was a feat that l dreaded and I refused to participate in the drinking games; so the need would not arise. Now my parents thought it was because I was a goody two shoes, when in fact there was no place to lie down and do the damn jeans up again after a trip to the bathroom…. And fashion and being “IN” was very important when you were 16!

Oh I miss those days. Skinny jeans….. Oh my goodness, try track pants and takkies now. I would most certainly lose the battle of the jeans and land up having to go into traction if I tried to dance myself into tight jeans. And we know that at this age with a buggered knee I would land up needing a transplant of sorts and who ever may be a witness to this spectacle of me trying to get into the jeans would need serious therapy and stomach muscle replacements as they would most definitely have ripped them apart in the hilarity of my “Jean Dance”

No its comfort all the way for me now and I look back and pacify myself with the knowledge that I am comfortable, can breath and enjoy my meal and a glass of refreshment while these Skinny COWS – cannot! Well that is how I handle the envy… let me have that much please!

So this weekend I decided after reminiscing about the Good old days that it’s time to get back into some state of acceptable proportions and this does not mean the portion of food on my plate. So it’s the “Diet thing” Oh how I hate that word. It makes you instantly hungry thinking you are diet. I mean really you go for years without breakfast and miss lunch more often than not, but use the word diet and come 7.00am you are starving and want to eat everything in the fridge and you can smell food from a mile away.

It’s the Food Fairy I tell you - who comes and whispers into your ear. “You are on diet and can’t have the piece of cheese cake or that nice juicy burger” and on the other shoulder is the Celery Fairy who thinks she has the answers to all our woes! I swear if I catch her I will slaughter her and feed her to the fish because celery is no substitute for a good juicy steak or that lovely cheese sauce.

Ok; Ok I better stop, this dry piece of toast and black coffee I had for breakfast is telling me that I need to go to the nearest take away joint and just give in to my desire!!!!!!!! Not going to happen. Sorry “Food Fairy” and “Celery Fairy”, you two can battle it out, I have locked myself in my office and pushed the key out under the office door in the hopes that when it’s time for me to leave;

1. The 2 liter bottle of water will be finished
2. That I have no need to use the ladies
3. And there is someone to let me out of my office………….Oh dear, I did not give much thought to that part did I?

I have been barricaded in this office with boxes during the busy times and no one missed me. It took me phoning Bern to ask her to move the boxes for me to get out for them to realize I was locked in. See what food deprivation does to a person. You become irrational and tearful, well let me put it this way, the tears are streaming down my face and my fear is…… they will leave tonight and not even realize I am in my office. …. Well not really, I can phone them and ask them to let me out, but what if they decide not too? All because I have no will power and cannot say No to the “Food Fairy” The extremes I go too.

We all do silly things in the need for that perfect body - like Cait; she was determined to do something about firming up. She climbed onto the exercise bicycle and road for about half an hour flat. She said she could do another 10 minutes - so of course I encouraged her; being the supportive mother than I am, I always encourage them to strive for more, reach for that goal, be all that you can be…………..oh ok I admit it …... I have to get my giggles where I can. She dutifully did another 10 minutes and felt great. She took a sip of her water (Gulp) grabbed her towel from around her neck, wiped her brow, threw her leg over the seat to get off the bike and collapsed on the floor. She had no strength in her legs at all and just lay there and giggled and moaned. I of course got my exercise by joining in the raucous laughter and landed up sitting on the floor with her giggling like a school girl. Word of advice Cait….. Never listen to your mum when she says go another 10 minutes on the bike……….. I can’t even do 10 minutes so you should have known I had a hidden motive…… you skinny Brat! LOL. That will teach you.

The other day Sarah phoned me to tell me she had just found the perfect balanced way of life. She had been playing the wii game and did some exercises on the machine Thingy -ma- jiggy (Shows how technically advanced I am! I don’t know how this works...) She felt very pleased with herself for finally finding a way to enjoy exercise and decided to reward herself….she went to the cupboard and opened up a tin on condensed milk and enjoyed the sweet taste of working up a sweat. Very balanced diet…..lol my type of diet, ..That reminds me I have a tin of condensed milk in my fridge, I had better feed it to Matt before I give into the temptation to gorge myself.

Both Bern and I are on this new eating Plan (should be called torture) and we made sure not to do the monthly food shop so the cupboards are bare, but the fridge has carrots and lettuce and celery and cheese. The freezer is empty except for the designated meals. Mathew is not too happy at the new eating plan as he had green salads and a steak. Well he loved the steak and I mean who wouldn’t but there was no chips dripping in oil or fried eggs. Well suck it up Matt and deal with it – you will feel our pain even if you are one of those Skinny people who just makes me want to smack you. ……….Shew not handling this new eating programme well am I? LOL.

Just got a Skype from Bern:
[9:28:19 AM] Bernadette: Val and Tannith having toasted hot cross buns for breakfast. My stomach has just come up my throat and is strangling me!

I take it she is not handling this new plan too well either. Well I can pacify myself with the knowledge that maybe my bones won’t ache so much if I lose a few kilos and maybe I will feel better about myself as I die of the need to have that greasy pizza or burger, but until then I will be strong and I will get through this and while you sit there and read this while eating your Danish or Hot dog or plate of chips, spare a thought for those less fortunate, ..Kids are starving in Africa for goodness sake..…… words cannot describe my need to reach out the screen and throttle you too.

Reminds me of a story Sharon told me.. These people came to her house collecting clothes for the starving people and asked if she had any clothes to give them. She said she chased them off her property because if the people could fit in to her clothes they clearly were not starving!!!! In fact they need to join a gym or a health club or go to a fat farm!

Speaking of Fat farms, at the end of last year after two grueling months of long hours – bad eating and no sleep, I told my boss she would have to pay to send me to a Fat Farm. Her response was “Don’t be ridiculous, you are Fat enough!” Nice one…. Thanks for that. Ha, ha, ha! I was not amused at the time but yes I get the hint!!!

Ha ha, oh well enjoy your food and live long and I will be better tomorrow I am sure. They say the second day is the hardest. Oh hurry up 3rd day!

Oh and I need to explain the need to lose weight. Well Sarah came down for her 23rd Birthday and we had such a blast. On one of the days I decided it was too hot to sit in the hose, so I grabbed my costume, a two piece and didn’t bother with the shirts as it was just Sarah and I. I climbed into the pool and waded around and enjoyed the coolness of the pool, my Lilly white skin did not scare off the sun and I decided this was the life. After sitting on the step and trying to read my book, I decided to be brilliant and grabbed one of our beach chairs and put it on the second step and wallowed in the beach chair like a big fat beached whale. Well this was not very clever; I had put sun block on the face and chest and thought I was safe from the Durban sun…. NOT SO MUCH, I tanned by thighs and my knees as I sat there and the sight of these red thighs made me feel quite ill. They looked like two roast pork's.

Never mind the fact they hurt like hell and I walked like an idiot and moaned about the pain. But what horrified me the most was when I walked past the mirror in my room and thought, OH MY GOODNESS WHO IS THAT OLD FAT CHICK IN THE TWO PIECE COSTUME! I took a photo of me in the beach chair to show Bern what she was missing out on, being in the pool I mean, not me…., but deleted it in the event I caused the world to melt down with the sight of me.