Foot in the Mouth Syndrome

Ever have one of those days when you “take your foot out – only to put the other one in?”

Well I have had had such a day this week. Let me give you some back ground.

Bern and I are going to Johannesburg for the Easter weekend and need a place to stay as Sarah and Cait stay in a tiny place that they feel will not accommodate our large bodies. LOL, it’s a lovely place but does not have the room to accommodate an extra two people – so I approached my “adopted” Daughter Dom’s mom Tracey for a place to rest our weary heads. To my surprise and absolute delight she agreed to open her sane home to Bern and I even though I warned her that she and Derrick would need serious therapy afterwards as chaos seems to follow me.

Tracey giggled and I swear I could hear that giggle of “Oh damn I can’t say no now can I?” So we have a place to stay and I thanked her for her gracious offer and told her when to expect us.

Well I received a phone call from her on Wednesday asking me if I had a BLOW UP MATTRESS – no now don’t beat me to the punch line…..

So I replied no I don’t have one, Sarah has a blow up mattress, but I don’t know about any other type of blow up thingy she may have and its none of my business”

Well Tracey laughed and said

“Oh My G&% you are so naughty Michelle are you going to behave yourself?”(I am sure I detected a tremor of fear in her voice) So I asked her if she was worried and she replied laughing (with that tremor of fear which was sounding a lot like hysteria now) “Derrick (her husband) will not know how to cope!” and giggled again.

So I said (which I think she took the wrong way) “No I am only like this with woman ….$%%#@@^&^&!!!! – Silence from her end of the phone. So instead of being quiet and just leaving it at that. NO I take my foot out and put the other one in.

I realized what I had said and said “Oh my G&* Tracey I don’t mean it as a come on to you and not on that way at all. Then realizing that I may be now insulting her I took the left foot out of my mouth and put the right one in again.

“Not that you aren’t attractive or anything, you are and"; then I took the right foot out and put the left foot in

“It's just that woman are so much more OPEN” (now I am calling her a loose woman) and I carried on with my tirade of useless mumble, “and they talk more freely” (now she is a gossip and chatter box) and then I add quickly changing feet again

“Besides you are no angel, and you must not pretend you are an Angel coz I have seen you in action. (Now she is more than a loose woman she is a VAMP and I am a voyeur)

So I tried to explain “I spent an afternoon with you” (now I am intimating that she is a cheat too. Good grief Michelle just stop talking I hear the many voices in my head say) “and you were a Riot”

Well I ended the call with, Tracey I really appreciate you opening your home to Bern and I, we are so looking forward to seeing you and I will bring the wine! Now I am sure that really assured her.

(Now let’s re-cap – I have accused Tracey of being:
1. Being unattractive - this is so not the case she is actually a Lovely Woman
2. A Loose woman – this is so far from the truth, she is the Poster Girl for how mom’s are supposed to behave – unlike ME
3. A Gossip and Chatter box – Ok well she does love to Chat so I will maybe review this statement but she is NOT a Gossip – well we have established Tracy is the Poster Mother so this would not fit her at all
4. A Loose Woman once again and add that she is in fact a VAMP and I am a voyeur because I watched her. -Tracey can only be described as quite innocent of the ways of the world
5. Cheating on her hubby with me! Tracey would NEVER
6. No self control because I told her she was a Riot. – Tracey is very demure and well behaved and the total opposite of me.
7. Last and final Insult – An alcoholic.

It just does not get any better than this. How do you come back from this and explain and say sorry -Flowers and Cards will just not be sufficient.

Why didn’t I just stop at “Yes Sarah has a blow up mattress” (How to win friends and influence people, I need to run a course on what not to say or do to impress people)

I am expecting a call telling me that the family has come down with some terrible illness and they have had to be quarantined or that Derrick has been transferred to China and they are not leaving a forwarding address.

I swear I wonder what gets into me sometimes (no I don’t drink at work) it’s like this other person takes over and I hear the words coming out of my mouth and I just can’t help myself. I am past help. I am infected with Verbal Diarrhea and I say the most outrages things and you would think the shock and horror on the people’s faces or the dead silence is a dead giveaway…..

Well not my translation button or interpretation button is clearly in need of repair. Do I stop, do I keep quiet, do I say oops and leave it at that?

NO I babble off at the mouth and just let the Genie out of the bottle and let my words fall where they may and am absolutely clueless that I am in fact disturbing the “Force” and there will be repercussions of World destruction kind. I am a bloody walking disaster Zone. I should wear a sign that says APPROACH WITH CARE AND ENTER AT OWN RISK!

I was telling Bern that I think I may have inadvertently jeopardized our Easter sleeping arrangements and explained the whole sad saga.

Bern replied “Well I can see where Caitlin gets it from! – Next time put both feet in!" Well Bern that was a great deal of help. Thank you very much!

Well I now have a to find a solution to my “illness”………. Because the Mouth monster has just attacked me again……….

This is my Skype to Bern

Me: Oh my G**.... my bloody mouth

Bern: what's wrong with your mouth

Me: well my client phoned me. But I thought it was Tash
It was NOT it was Access Clips.........
: So Yvonne (NOT TASH) said hello and I said hi what good news have you got to tell me.. (Tash has just been Hijacked and they found her Car, thankfully they left her alone.
: So Yvonne said, NO how about you tell me some good news
Now I think I am still taking to Tash

Bern: ok
: And?????

Me: so I just jump right in with both feet
: Oh I am going to have great sex this weekend
: .............
My instruction to Bern: now get up off the floor: stop laughing at me

Bern: so who was it that phoned?
: Thank god chair has arms otherwise I would have fallen out

Me: Yvonne from Access Clips!: The client who is not happy with our service. So am I sensitive to her needs and inconvenience we have caused her? I think it shows don’t you?
: No I rub it in that I am going to HAVE GREAT SEX AND OH MY GOD; (I am crying here with laughter)
: I am so good with clients aren’t I? So empathetic!(well… Shew tears streaming down my face. Red as a beetroot)
: I hear her laugh and she says that the best thing she has ever heard. And I realize it’s my client

Bern: What did she say?

Me: SHE LAUGHED AND SCREAMED WITH MORE LAUGHTER AND SAID
: I AM VERY HAPPY WITH YOU

Bern: you are such an idiot!!!! Have just told Val
: My stomach is so sore

Me: not funny, there she wants to know about her parcel and our service failures and I tell her in so many words I just don’t care. I am getting laid this weekend.

Bern: Well, at least you gave her a good laugh for the day!
-0-
I tried to be professional after I realized it was her, but how do you come back from that. I blushed, roared and roared with laughter some more, apologized and asked her if I had offended her and promised to come back to her with a response.

She now thinks I am a sex fiend and when I see her on Tuesday to sort out all her queries and be professional which I will try to carry off with the utmost respect and charm and control - but I am going to have to walk in with a bag on my head and chocolates or maybe I should just rescue her from me and not go at all.

I wish I had a rewind button and delete button for my bloody mouth.