Family and Adversity

As I write my silly little stories I am convinced that without these wonderful Jolts of laughter that seem to inflict my family has more than once in helped me to face yet one more day.

The horrors we all face daily in our lives especially in our country can be overwhelming and if one allows themselves to fall into the negative pattern then there will be no joy to appreciate. Thank Goodness my family has always had the ability to face life with the same gusto and joy we have seen our parents do in their very hard lives. If there is one thing I hope my children have inherited from them - is to make the best of a bad situation and to never give up.

After a rather horrific attack on my family, more specifically Bern, myself and Sarah; while Matt and Cait slept blissfully unaware of the events unfolding in the house.

We were recovering at my partner’s brother’s home. Even in times of great adversity humour still finds a way to lighten even the darkest or dark situations.

We had been planning a 30th birthday celebration for Bern before the attack. The celebration still took place and all our family and friends arrived and were very supportive. We were unable to participate in the festivities and consume any alcohol due to the medication and tranquilizers Bern myself and Sarah I were on. However, for the birthday cake cutting, we were persuaded to sip a small amount of Kahlua and this small sip, no more than a thimble turned a rather somber evening into an evening of ridiculous laughter and giggles. I was in a wheel chair and Bern had just been released from hospital after surgery on her hand.

The joy of being alive and escaping the attempts on our life rubbed off on everyone present at the celebration. We were not only celebrating my partner’s birthday, we were celebrating life, love family and friends.

Once the guests had left we retreated to the rooms we had been given. Bern, Sarah myself and Cait, were all sharing a room. Cait was still very wound up and excitable and still in shock, so Bern’s brother suggested she sleep in their room to try and calm her down.

I was not really able to be of much help there as I needed assistance getting up and walking, and quite sedated with the medication and the sip of kahlua. So I agreed and thanked them for their kindness. Shock does manifest itself in the strangest way.

The fits of giggles that we were experiencing I believe must have been part of the healing power. Sarah was sharing the room with us and as hard as Bern and I tried we just could not stop giggling. Sarah was trying to sleep and was also very much in shock. "Mom!" "Bern!" Will you behave yourselves and GO TO SLEEP NOW!" said my exasperated Sarah, "you are behaving like children!" Which of course did not have the desired effect, Bern and I just thought this was the funniest thing and continued to laugh and tease Sarah. In Hind sight this is definitely the result of the shock and the body's way of trying to block out the horrors until you are actually ready to face them and deal with them.

We got it into our heads to keep Sarah awake. We laughed at the silliest things and our laughter could be heard throughout the house and we were clearly keeping the family awake, however as quickly as the giggles hit us the sleeping pills worked even faster. In the middle of our crazy giggle fit we fell into a very deep sleep.

The following morning we were told about Cait’s evening with Bern’s brother and his wife in their room.

Everyone was exhausted after the attack on our family the day before and we all needed sleep, but my sweet Cait aged 10 was over excited and this is how the evening went in the room next to ours

Brother/uncle: “Ok little Cait its time to go to sleep“
Cait: “Ok but I am scared and worried about my mommy”
Sister-in-law/aunt: “Don’t be scared, we are quite safe, the alarms are on and your mommy is fine. You can hear them giggling so everything is fine”
Cait: “Can I sleep with you?”
Aunt: “Of course Cait. (Now Bern's sister in-law and brother had been up since the attack and had been by our side for all this time and were clearly just as exhausted”
Cait: “I love your bed, it’s so comfortable and I love the colour in your room, and I love you and I love uncle, and the house is so quiet and I am thirsty”
Uncle: “Cait, I will get you a glass of water then you must get some sleep”
Cait: “Ok, thank you Uncle”
Aunt: “Ok Cait let’s try to sleep, close your eyes and think nice thoughts”
Cait: “Ok I will, yawn, stretch, I am tired”
Uncle: “Here is your water Cait;”
Cait: “Thank you. I love you both so much;”
Aunt: “We love you too Pookie Sweet Angel Girl” (her voice now becoming a bit strained but still very patient);
Silence for about two minutes. The house seems to settle into that quiet calm;
Then:
Cait: “Do you think I could use the toilet”
Uncle: Of course Sugar Plum Dumpling Pokier”
Aunt: “You want me to come with you”
Cait: “Yes please”

Lights back on, trip to the bathroom then back into bed. Hugs and kisses and snuggle back into bed.

Welcomed silence –
Then this little voice decides to break the silence:
Sigh, sigh, and expel air, sigh, wriggle, hugs given once again;
Sigh, sigh;
Aunt: “Pookie wookie sweetie pie angel darling, try to sleep”
Cait: “I am trying but I love you so much I will try harder”

A few minutes later Cait decides to climb out of bed and go to the bathroom
By now Bern’s brother and sister-in-law have fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
Little Cait returns to the bed room and whispers in that loud whisper “I didn’t flush the loo, didn’t want to wake you up!”

Which of course woke them up! As silly as this statement was made, both adults burst out laughing and settled my daughter back down to sleep and waited for the next onslaught of questions and requests. That memory is still very strong in my Cait’s memory and still makes her smile and she remembers the kindness and love she received that horrible night.

I am so grateful for the support and love we received from Bern’s family and their patience they showed in a very bad time of our lives. The next morning Cait slept beautifully while her very exhausted Aunt and Uncle had to go to work.

The shared special memories of that horrid event is still remembered with a smile when we discuss the events that took place at the birthday celebration and how a little 10 year old tried to cope in the only way she knew how to.

During this recovery time, we moved back into our home. We barracked ourselves in the two rooms which had inter-leading doors. The night lock up was quite complicated.

Beds made up on the floor, water for the family, animals brought inside the room, ablutions taken care of. Once everyone was ready for bed, the doors were barricaded with the steel poles to prevent anyone getting into the room.

Next we take our sleeping pills and settle in for the night, I suddenly decide I want Easter eggs which we keep in the freezer.

Bern who only has the use of one hand, takes the barricade off the door a little unsteady of her feet from the sleeping pills and other medication she is on. She goes to the freezer and returns with the Easter eggs - Goes back to the kitchen – switches off the lights, Puts the steel pole back on the door to barricade us into the room again. Climbs into bed and looks for an Easter egg to eat.

All she finds is empty wrappers. She turns to me and my cheeks look like they belong to a chipmunk. I have no idea what possessed me to stuff all these Easter eggs into my mouth, at least 5 if not more. Bern swears I had put 12 in my mouth. Impossible I still say but “Hey” I don’t know anything is possible in that state. All I remember is telling that Bern it felt like I had clouds in my mouth. I just know what I was enjoying the feeling and devouring the eggs as if I would never eat again.

Shame my poor Bern had to go back to the freezer to get more Easter eggs! All worries about security were forgotten as she shrieked with laughter at my face! Chocolate smeared across my face and cheeks so full I could hardly form any words.

Bern’s niece was staying with us just after the attack and we had this beautiful black dog who we named Angel; who was still in her pre-adult puppy stage. Shez was sleeping on the makeshift bed next to my side of the bed and Angel was standing next to Shez as she lay their chatting to us. Bern saw a perfect opportunity for a giggle and said “Sit Angel Sit!” Which our sweet well-behaved Angel promptly did…. Right on Shez’s head. The sight of this dog sitting on her head was even funnier as we had taken the prescribed medication to help us sleep. The room erupted into giggles and the night felt lighter after that.

A few weeks later we were still sharing the inter-leading rooms with the family - it was Sarah’s birthday and Bern and I waited up until midnight to wish her happy birthday. We had not taken our sleeping pills until much later in the evening so we were not quite in control of our mental capacities, Sarah had taken hers earlier. We watched the clock tick down and as it hit midnight we dutifully sang happy birthday to her, she did not budge, but murmured a thank you and carried on sleeping. This was just not good enough, well that is what Bern and I thought. So Bern got it into her head to pour water on her from our glass of water next to the bed and in a flash we did just that.

My poor darling Sarah sat up drenched and we proceeded to sing happy birthday to her sixteen times. Sarah who has a wonderful sense of fun and deep understanding of people and how they handle situations, joined in and we had the biggest midnight party without the cake and food.

After an incident like we shared, we have learnt to treasure each and every moment of joy we are blessed with and to take time to say THANK YOU for the opportunity to continue to face life and all its challenges.

These are the memories we have tried to take with us and put the bad ones into those compartments of our mind that deal with the horrors of that night.

Christmas in our home

I am sure that everyone is saying it’s not Christmas Time Yet as they walk through the malls and supermarkets, but the Christmas decorations and Christmas gifts are out on display already. It’s very hard to believe that Christmas is literally around the corner.

That time of the year when people lose their direction and make stupid decisions and tend to try to over compensate for the time we have not been able to spend with our family and friends. It is also a time of great joy and kindness and peace and of course those memories we treasure and can rely on to get us through a tough day or a tough situation.

I clearly need those as my life to say the least is very complicated and stressful on the best of days.


A few years back we had the family Bern’s Christmas and these get together are particularly hard on me as I miss my family terribly. I tend to get myself so worked up and begin to stress and by the time we arrive there I have withdrawn into my shell. This particular year I decided that I would not let my feelings of isolation from my family interfere in the festivities.

As a family we decided to go that extra mile and create a very Christmassy atmosphere.

We went to the Fancy Dress Hire shop and chose our outfits. The children had no idea what we had planned but this did not deter Bern and I from our decision. Bern’s sister was with us and we pranced around the shop in our chosen outfits and acted as if we were walking the CAT WALK in our ridiculous outfits.

We arrived home with enough time to do the 6 weekly hair maintenance. The high light kits, the hair dye colouring, and the faithful bottle of wine was brought into the kitchen.

We opened the wine and the girls were on hand to hold the peroxide and tin foil strips, Bern was busy colouring our hair and adding the peroxide as she has done for many years.

My nerves were shot and believe it or not (your choice totally) I am not a big drinker but at times like this a little bit of Dutch courage is required. We drank our wine, had the music pumping in the back ground, dancing around the kitchen in preparation for the evening festivities. This is when I have a brain wave. I looked up at Bern with that look of absolute determination and mischief.

I make her, NO I force her to sit down and tell her she cannot say NO. She looks at me with that look of fear in her eyes, her expression is one of; OH NOW WHAT NOW?" as she now knows that look of mischief in my eyes and knows there is no point in arguing.

I grab the peroxide that is left over and run it right through her hair. Not small highlights no, I comb it through her very blue black hair and put a plastic bag on her head to make the chemicals activate faster. We then all sit back and wait. A few more glasses of wine are consumed. We giggle and reminisce about the past years. Cait and Sarah and Matt are contributing their stories and Sarah decides to come share one of her memories of Bern in the beginning of our relationship.

She was thirteen and going through the typical rebellious stage. I had just moaned at her for some arbitrary offense, I can’t even remember what it was. She looked at me and called me a B@#, well Bern walked up to her and flicked her on the mouth with her fingers and said “Don’t speak to your mother that way!” The sheer look of horror on her face was priceless.

It is not that the flick hurt her; she just didn’t expect anyone to hear her swear words that she whispered in frustration at me. We have all done this behind our parents back and my sweet mother used to say as I was walking away after a ticking off, and don't you call me those names. I used to think she had some type of mental telepathy - little did I know that she had done exactly the same thing to her mother when she was growing up.

Oh the benefits of age, we have all been there and done that and burnt the T-Shirt!

I tried to hide my giggle but I saw the look on both Bern’s face and Sarah’s face and burst out laughing. That was the end of the tension and we all joined in giggling. Sarah said she would definitely think twice before she swore at me again, she would make sure the coast was clear.

Back to our preparations for the Christmas dinner in our large kitchen. It was now time to rinse the peroxide off Bern’s hair. She dutifully followed me to the bathroom where I used the extension shower head on her head but landed up saturating her with the water and I am sure half drowned her.

I was leaning over her and the shower head was aimed at her head most of the time but as I said earlier, the little bit of wine I had already consumed did not help my sense of directional spray and Bern was spluttering and wiping her face as the water cascaded down her shirt front and back. Perfect if she was entering the wet T- Shirt competition we seem to have so often in my past escapades with rinsing hair for my girls or Bern.

I really need to learn how to do this still without drenching them and the floor.

The peroxide was rinsed out but I was unable to go any further, I had lost my ability to do anything at all. I was doubled over in fits of giggles and laughter which I just could not control.

My composure was gone totally. My Bern now had the most beautiful and bright and totally orange head of hair.

Who knew that black hair when bleached turned into this beautiful Orange colour? And I don’t mean that lovely red colour of natural red heads. Orange like the fruit.

I crawled out the bathroom as I had lost the ability to walk or talk coherently. I must have looked a sight as I crawled into the kitchen and Bern followed behind me a few minutes later with this huge towel wrapped around her head.

Everyone was waiting for the big unveiling. As only Bern can do she did this with added exaggeration and swayed her hips as if she was on stage doing the rendition of Patricia the Stripper as she seductively pulled the towel off her head.

We were met with this beautiful almost luminous bright orange head of hair. This was too much for all of us. We had not consumed that much to drink and my children had not had anything to drink at all, but the way we were behaving at Bern’s unveiling - a person would have sworn we were totally insane or very very drunk.

Every time I tried to talk to her, I could not finish a sentence, I could not focus, I lost all sense of sentence structure and my loss of forming a full sentence only made the situation funnier.

Bern stood there and asked us what was so funny, she flicked back her hair and pretended to be most offended and waltzed off to the head of the table and sat down as if nothing was wrong or totally hysterical about her sitting there with her bright orange hair and drenched T-Shirt looking like a drown Ginger CAT.

Well I realized there was no ways I could let Bern’s mother see what I had done to her daughter as I feared she would write me out of her will again as she often does when I do something silly.

As only Bern’s mom can threaten in her sweet angelic way and has the ability to make you feel as small as she has not got a mean bone in her body - and she knows full well there is nothing to inherit!!!

Bern was quite prepared to leave the damages on display as she loves a good joke even if it is at her expense. But that was not to be, I rushed off to the shops and bought blue black hair dye and fixed my little experiment. All the while laughing so hard, I managed to dye her ears, her neck her forehead and the kitchen floor. Hair dressing is obviously not my calling in life.

The festivities did not end there; we dressed up in our outfits, climbed into the car and drove to the Family Christmas.

We walked into the family room to applause and laughter as they saw what we were wearing.

Bern was Father Christmas in her full Christmas suite, fake beard, big belt, wire glasses and boots, I was Mary Christmas, in a blue Christmas dress with black stockings and boots, the dress was quite short and above the knees. Quite a sexy Mary Christmas I was with all the ravages of time hopefully hidden by the stockings!

My children wore PIXIE outfits. Fully fitted out in tight, tight leggings which left nothing to the imagination for my very tall Matt as it clung so fetchingly to his long skinny legs, Pixie Hats and Pixie shoes toes all curled up and tunic tops. Bright Yellow and Bright Green and Bright Orange short tunic tops that reached to just below the waist.

Bern’s sister went as Cleopatra just to had spice to our dress up party.

Oh the photos from that Christmas tell their own story and I will be forever grateful to my children for joining in, and getting into the spirit of Christmas.

That Christmas was not so stressful and for once I managed to enjoy my evening without the longing for my family.

KINGS the game not for the faint hearted

KINGS

I have explained in an earlier blog what Kings is, however I will basically explain the rules. This is a game that is only for people over the age of 18! And no children younger than 16 should be in the vicinity of the game as it can become quite loud and suggestive.

Every card has a drinking penalty.

Ace is the Boss Card, or God Card

2 is for you to drink

3 is for me to drink

4 Ladies of the nights to drink (all female players) sounds like Doors

5 is 5’s alive too complicated to explain, it has to be shown, the loser drinks

6 is for the guys to drink – rhymes with sticks

7 is multiples of 7, if you use any multiple of & you have to drink; instead you have to use any word you choose, like damn, of next or clap your hands.

8 Master of thumbs – the last person with their thumb on the table has to drink

9 Buster Rhymes - make up a rhyme and it goes around the table; the person who breaks the chain has to drink

10 – Toilet Card; this card can be sold for anything as this game can go on for quite a long time

Jack – is make a rule card and everyone besides the Boss has to obey it. Name swop, Fictional Green man sitting on your drink which has to be removed before you can drink; pretty much anything.

Queen – Hail B#$% sounds like ditch. The last person to say it has to drink

King: The first three Kings pulled are simple; the card drawer pours part of their drink into the centre glass.

The last King pulled has the privilege of having to down the contents of the glass. This ends the game.
Ace - This is the Boss Card otherwise known as the GOD card – this gives you absolute power over everyone in the game. You have total power and control of the game until the next ace is called and a new Boss takes over. The trick is to be a really nice Boss as you know you will be paying serious penance if you lost your position to another Ace.

The best is too pull the last Ace then everyone knows that no matter what - all bets are off and anything goes. Whatever you demand has to be obeyed no questions asked and no one is allowed to pull out of the game.

My one friend Tash had the unwanted pleasure of pulling the last King four or five times in a row. This was not planned and she was quite the soldier and drank the concoction down with an expression of sheer disgust. She was poured into bed and was really not that functional the next morning. Our rule is no one drives home when we play these games. Invariably our poor friends land up having to down the Last King.

There was one time we were visiting our friend Shell and her boyfriend and the girls decided we had to play Kings. I was drinking a cream based drink that we call Hooligan Juice similar to Amarula or Baileys and Shell was drinking Vodka and Lime. As fate would have it I pulled the first King and a while later she pulled the second one.

So we dutifully poured our drinks into the Kings glass and the drink curdled and looked totally disgusting. The third person who pulled the King card was Rich and he dutifully poured brandy and coke into the glass.

We all played with hesitation and on this particular game we were down to the last three cards, which would mean I would pull the last King or Bern or Rich. Rich pulled the last King and had to drink the curdled mass of goo. He was very brave and swallowed the gunk like a real champion.

I have no idea what I would have done if I pulled the King as this concoction would have sent my sugar levels through the roof and I doubt very much if I would have been able to do it! Thank goodness this was not put to the test and I heaved a sigh of relief. We played two or three games of Kings during our visit and were really enjoying the evening until….

We were asked to keep the noise levels down in this very posh town house complex as it was 22h00 and this is Quiet Time!

We were warned by the local security guards in his stern authoritative voice. He threatened to fine us R1000 if he was called out again to request us to quiet down. They had already received eight complaints explained the security guard in the sternest voice he could muster.

Our host turned around to him and said;

“When you reach R12 000, please come back!

To which he replied in his most stern voice which was would have been quite funny if it was not so pathetic,

“No sir we will just call the police and by the way what number is your residence.”

Shell who is not scared of anything; sweetly and every so coyly asked him in a voice just above a whisper

“Am I allowed talking this loud?”

This of course was the last thing we needed to hear as we burst out laughing and there went the relative silence once again. We all stood there shoosing each other which of course just made us giggle even more. As the security guard walked off with that defeated walk, our host mimicked him and said “Mike 1 come in, over, click” That was just too much for all of us and we ran inside the house trying to hold our laughter in. Just like school kids in a school hall or a church trying to control the fits of giggles!

I was mortified, however I have to confess that we had just been singing Running Bear with the actions on the front lawn of our friend’s town house and we thought we were very talented. Clearly the neighbours disagreed. We left rather sheepishly after calming down and I drove home as I had been sipping on my Hooligan juice and had in actual fact not even finished my glass.

I am sneaky that way; I sip my drink and make one drink last the whole night. We had to walk in twos so as not to disturb the wealthy and oh so pompous residents in their palatial homes during quiet time!!!

Oh please since when is 22h00 considered quiet time. We are sure they have our pictures plastered on their security check entrance! Horrors of horrors I have to go and fetch my friend from there tomorrow and I am sure I will not be allowed to access the complex!

Party Times and Wonderful Friends

A few years ago we were sitting in our large kitchen which had this magnificent central table that seated eight easily.

It was our 6 weekly hair colouring and highlight of our hair session. As is prone to happen in our home, this simple task turned into a singing session and a bottle of red wine was opened and before we knew it a party was in full session. My girls Caitlin and Sarah, Bern and myself. We were singing along to good old fashioned songs from my parent’s era with a few o the younger more popular songs thrown in for my daughters who were still in their teens. Picture this, tin foil in the hair, hair dye on the table for the hair colouring already done.

Caitlin holding the peroxide and Sarah holding the strips of tin foil while Bern performed this miracle of transformation on my hair. The girls had the most important task of all though, to make sure that our wine glasses were kept filled. When I think back to this time which I have to add was one of the hardest and most difficult times of my life I am reminded of the healing power of laughter and friends. We were now in full swing; I looked like an alien with tin foil strips in my hair. I swear I could be used as a TV antenna.

Blame the red wine which was so delicious and so smooth and I am known to become very intelligent when I have a few glasses of wine. So intelligent that I am surprised I have been chosen by the world to come up with a way to overcome famine or world peace. On this particular day, we were all singing on the top of our voices and the more often I sipped my glass of wine the more convinced I became that I was the new Barbra Streisand, which is total bollocks as I cannot sing to save my life.

When the cats run away in horror with their hair standing up on edge, the dogs all 6 of them joined in howling; you think I would have realized that I was not any good at singing. My girls ever so sweet decided not to ask me NOT to sing but I noticed a distinct increase in volume as they tried to drown me out! Bern has the voice of an angel and her musical ear was being horribly violated that night. Sarah decided this party needed some extra spice and sent a cell phone message to our dear friend.

The message read: “Party at 42 – 4th avenue”Beep beep, the phone showed a message was waiting.

Now this friend has visited us many times and she has the ability to make you laugh and her story telling skills are second to none.

Her reply “Isn’t that where you Live?” We collapsed with laughter and replied “Yes, stupid, get here!”
She arrived with her bottle red wine and fitted right in and although she had quite a way to catch up she most definitely did her best to compete.

The music was blaring, we were singing on the top of our voices, by now my hair had been rinsed and Bern who was decidedly tidily started to blow dry my hair. Well our friend decided that she was going to sing a solo for us and grabbed the hair brush and stood o our kitchen table and sang with so much feeling and heartfelt emotions using my hair brush as the microphone. As we have seen in many a Hollywood movie and never thought things like this actually happened, everyone joined in.

HAIR BRUSHES, HAIR DRYERS, WOODEN SPOONS, anything that may resemble a microphone was used to be the backup singers. We danced around the kitchen table and put together dances that would make even the most insane of us cringe in embarrassment.

There was my friend standing on my kitchen table with her bottle of red wine tucked securely under her arm to keep it safe from our by now inebriated clutches. She danced on the table, swinging her hips and doing a dance that even Shakira would have wanted for her renditions. Bern and my girls were so enthralled by the singing and I was trying to focus on anything but found myself seeing double, and then triple. During this free for all Hair session, my friend received quite a few phone calls from her boyfriend asking her when she was on her way home.

Her response was always the same. “I am leaving now”

Two hours later, numerous bottles of wine consumed by all of us, I suddenly decided ENOUGH and crawled to my room. The walls were closing in on me and the furniture had it in for me as no matter where I stepped they moved in front of me. I made it to the bedroom, dragged myself to the bathroom and what was most distressing was no one noticed I had disappeared or even missed my wonderful singing voice!

I mean how could you miss the sound of a cat in serious trouble screeching as if their privates had been removed without anesthetics.

When Bern came to the room, I have no idea how many hours later, she found me sitting n the floor by the lavatory singing its praises and begging to die. It is not called the white throne for nothing! My friend was collected by her boyfriend and to my horror everyone saw me in my most composed and oh so beautiful state, hanging on to the Loo and doing the prayer of the drunken lost souls.

I vowed never to sing and drink again after that!

Surprise Visit from MY GIRLS!

My girls surprised us with a weekend visit. I should have known something was up when I telephoned Cait and she was reluctant to tell me where they were. I did not really take much notice. A while later Bern and I were watching television when I received a phone call from Sarah and she asked me what I was doing? So I told her that we were watching television and not much else; I then asked her what she was doing to which she replied.

"Cait and I are on a bus on our way to you"

I responded:

“You can’t joke about something like that, I don’t find that at all amusing!”
To which she replied,

“Mom we really on the bus so please pick us up at the bus station at 4h30 that is 4h30 in the morning mom. “

So I got quite agitate and exclaimed

“Sarah this is not something you tease about, especially when I miss you so much!” with quite a bit on annoyance in my voice.

Sarah got quite excited and said
“Mom, please listen to me, I am serious, please please do not leave us at the bus station, I promise, please believe me.”

Cait was giggling in the back ground which made me all the more suspicious and she joined in and assured me that they were really on the bus on their way to us.

I was so excited because we had not seen each other for five weeks. At 2h48 (am) I received a message on my cell phone but I did not respond. When the second one came through I decided to check the messages as I was sure these messages were just updates from my girls.

I saw there was two “please call me” one from Cait and one from Sarah. My Girls arrived an hour and a half early. We jumped out the bed in a hurry, threw on our clothes and rushed off to the bus station. Half dressed in our long pajama pants and track suite tops. My girls certainly know how to make an entrance. This was such a wonderful unexpected gift from them.

We had a wonderful weekend, going to the beach, shopping and generally re-connecting. On Sunday morning for some unknown reason I was awake before 6h00. I climbed out of bed and dutifully switched the alarm off, to my surprise the alarm went off and I stood there stunned and very confused. The alarm screamed its terribly loud ear pitching scream and this was my wake up call for the day. Unintentionally I managed to wake the family and give their hearts a jump start.

One I am sure they could have done without and one I know I definitely could have done without! Bern had already disconnected the alarm earlier. Something I would have appreciated being told as this shock and jolt of the alarm is still going to be the death of me.

Cait and Sarah had hoped we could play the drinking Game called Kings but alas it was not to be…. Or should I say - Thank Goodness!

This is a game where if you are nominated as the Boss by drawing the ace; you have total power and control of the game until the next ace is called and a new Boss takes over. The trick is to be a really nice boss as you know you will be paying serious penance if you lost your position to another Ace. The best is too pull the last Ace then you know that no matter what - all bets are off and anything goes. Whatever you demand has to be obeyed no questions asked and no one is allowed to pull out of the game

Bern is the funniest Boss in these games, she had made a rule that her chosen victim is to keep their chin on the table during the game and drink their drink in that position, or they would have to cluck like a chicken, sing some silly song, run around the table every time they have to drink. Sarah has made Cait and Matt run around the pool several times and do pushups.

The funniest task to date is the one set by Bern for Cait on our visit to the girls last month which will remain with us for many years.

Her chosen Task for Cait was that she had to end every sentence with “My Boobies” Imagine the sentences, “Please may I pour myself another drink; MY BOOBIES” or "May I please use my toilet card, MY BOOBIES" or "Bern you are not fair MY BOOBIES"

As the evening progressed we were in hysterics as Cait would say a simple thing like “I must tell you what happened at work MY BOOBIES” and this would end the conversation for her as we all burst into spontaneous giggles and raucous laughter. The evening got progressively funnier and one tends to forget that there are neighbours who may not appreciate the singing and Cait having to add her little sentence MY BOOBIES!

This afternoon we were having lunch in a wimpy. Cait was pinching my cheek telling me I had a cute baby shaped face and Sarah decided to pinch hers and the game was on. In typical fashion we were not quiet and the poor guy, who was sitting near us, quickly gulped down his food and left the establishment.

Sarah and Cait started play fighting, like kittens they play slapped each other’s hands. The next minute as if in a comedy of errors, Cait was clutching her strapless top and her hands were covering her exposed boobs. Sarah had inadvertently gotten her hand caught in her top and pulled it right down. We burst out laughing and Cait asked Sarah to help her lift her top up. Cait sat there all exposed and in split second she was on display for the whole word to see. She warned me not to use this in my blog but knew that it was too funny not to use and relented and said OH OK!

Sarah asked me what I was laughing about when a few minutes later I burst out laughing once again. Caitlin in a very earnest face exclaimed, “Coz of my boobies”

Well that started us all off again as Cait reminded us of Bern’s rule for her during the drinking game.

I swore to never leave the office again

If you have read my earlier post entitled Whatever it Takes, you will understand my reluctance to leave the office.

Every time I walked into an appointment after my incident with the kiss of the vampire; I would brace myself for a stranger to come up and greet me with a kiss. I brace myself ready to Karate Chop them and have my hand out so quickly to greet them with a hand shake!


Imagine if that is how we did business, I think the appointments might go a lot quicker due to the intimate nature of the introduction.

There is one appointment I went on that was very important to Bern and I as we had started our own little freight business and this client had the potential to either make us or break us.

We sat around a small circular table and we were very involved in the discussions about their best options for distributing their parcels. The meeting was at a very critical point and I was so deeply involved in the figures we had presented that I leant forward on my chair in eager anticipation as one tends to do when one is excited.

Whoops, I slipped under the table and to my horror I was looking right into his crotch. My head was resting right on his knees.

Bern was with me meeting, and watched this whole debacle unfold. I crawled out of under the desk backwards. Bottom first, Genteelly picked myself up off the floor and in a very graceful manner climbed back into my chair. Pretending that this did not faze me and that I had not just had my head at this man's crotch!

My client asked me is a very serious and concerned tone if I was all right and apologized for his floor being so slippery as it was a marble floor and he was so gracious not to laugh.

Bern on the other hand, doubled up in total fits of laughter and try as she might she could not help but laugh out like a raging baboon.

I sat there composed, and assured the client I was all right and that he was not to be concerned.

The meeting continued for a few minutes and the client agreed to give us a trial run.

We left his glass walled office and as I turned back to gesture goodbye, I caught the client laughing uncontrollably at the conference table. Hitting the desk with his hands and his shoulders were shaking in a fit of sheer hysterical laughter.

Bern and I left the office, by now I lost my ability to hide the total humiliation I felt and fell into a fit of giggles and Bern was joining in.

When she finally managed to catch her breath she said. "Way to go Girl, Take on for the Team!"

My stomach muscles were so sore from laughing, I had to drag myself to the car and we sat there in the parking lot for at least 10 minutes trying to compose ourselves.

I am sure the client was too embarrassed to refuse our request for his business and needed us to leave his office in a hurry to he could let out his loud guffaw.

Oh the things we have to go through to secure the sale.

What Ever It Takes

We have enjoyed a really wonderful holiday today here in South Africa, Heritage Day and after the week I have had I am sure you will agree I deserved a break.

During my years of work, I have faced many challenges and many frustrations. A while back I worked for a large Freight Company and during our Sales Meetings My boss was often heard to say "Whatever it takes.... Get the sale"

I was visiting a client one day and we were in their boardroom discussing the rather large distribution needs. The Managing Director was attending the meeting, the Production Manager and Distribution Manager. One of our Trainee Sales people accompanied me to the meeting and was there for on the job training.

The meeting was in full swing and I was sitting at the head of the board room table, facing my clients, however the door opening was directly next to me.

In the middle of the presentation, this woman walks into the meeting, we all look up surprised at the interruption and she walks right up to me and bends down and gives me a kiss on the mouth. I sat there in stunned silence not knowing what to do exactly. She looked down at me and said

"So how are you, gosh it has been ages since I last saw you, what have you been up to?"

Stunned silence followed while I tried to compose myself and decided not to embarrass her. I replied

"I am really well thank you, How are you?"

My heart was racing as I felt that any minute now she would French Kiss me or do something unexpected.

She stands there all expectantly and I say,

"Well I am here doing a presentation and I am hoping to secure the business"

She looks at me, gives me an enormous hug, kisses me again and leaves the meeting but not before asking me to come and say goodbye to her before I leave.

I turn back to the people in the board room and hide my feelings rather well I think. Say "Oh well that was pleasant" and continue with the presentation. I keep my composure and continue. While the clients are looking at the presentation, my colleague catches my eye and mouths these words at me:

"Who was that?" I shrug my shoulders with a question mark look expression.

He can hardly contain himself, I see his face go red and I know this is going to be a meeting to remember. We continue with the presentation; however I suddenly began to speak quicker and rush through the presentation. I see the stunned look on the clients faces as I rush through the procedures, features and benefits and hope to goodness that they do not require further information.

However my college who has a nasty sense of humour with quite a cruel streak, sat back in his chair and decided to milk the situation for all it was worth. He started asking questions about their company, how long they had been established and asked them to go through their requirements once again.

I sat there horrified as I was not ready for another visit for the vampire kisser from hell. I sat there pretending to be interested in the meeting, when in fact I was keeping an eye on the door in the hopes that I would not be molested once again.

We finally left the meeting, and as we walked out I smacked the trainee consultant on his arm and he was doubled over in laughter and he was singing on the top of his voice.... "Michelle kissed a girl and she liked it".

Now this Trainee is also Bern's nephew so he thought this was very very funny and like a little boy threatened to tell her I was cheating on her. His reward for this comment was a hard punch in the arm!

I made him drive back to the office as I was in no state to drive. I wiped my mouth at least a 100 times and was mortified and embarrassed and swore I would not be returning to this client ever.

I made two phone calls from the car, while my colleague laughed so much I was in fear for my life as his lack of driving skills!

I first phoned my hair dresser and told her she has to change my hair colour and style pronto! I never wanted to be mistaken for anyone else again.

The second call was to my boss.
When he answered I said
"I demand a raise"
To which he replied
"Of Course but why?"
In a loud rather excited voice I said
“When you said WHAT EVER IT TAKES - you were not funny!"

I then went on to explain what had happened but the conversation kept on being interrupted with his loud outbursts of laughter.

I walked into the office about forty five minutes later and was met with thunderous applause for the sales team and was handed a certificate

Michelle - who certainly goes the distance and DOES WHAT EVER IT TAKES!

Insanity and Laughter even during difficult times

A few years ago in a really insane time in our lives, we were recovering from quite a horrible home invasion. I decided that as well as the normal security measures we would have a lot of dogs. When I say a lot I mean a lot. We had 6 German shepherd’s and one little fox terrier who believed she was human.

One of the German shepherd’s was this adorable white male we called Sam. He was gorgeous and lovable but not very bright! As a nearly full grown puppy he was doing the thing boy dogs do. Licking and cleaning his private area. Well he got a bit carried away and landed up with his testicle being exposed.

This was at 22h00 and it was a not a pretty sight to say the least. After our amateur attempts to put the testicles back we realized we needed to get the animal to a vet. The phone call to the afterhour’s animal hospital went like this.

“Good evening, I wonder if you would be able to help me, my dog is in trouble,” Bern said;

“Yes ma'am, what kind of trouble?” asked the Vet at the 24 hour animal hospital;

“Well he was cleaning himself and licked his private area and now is in trouble” explained Bern;

“Ma'am can you be more specific” asked Vet;

My partner looked at me put her hand over the mouth piece and asked if anyone could be that Daft!
“Well his testicles are out of his protective covering!” she said;

Well this was met with silence and then “I beg your pardon?” replied the vet. Well by now Bern was quite flustered, Sam very uncomfortable and Unhappy with life she yelled out

“His Balls are exposed, he has licked the skin right back off them.”

“OH, Oh dear, please bring him in right now” said the vet in that pained voice that only a man has when you are discussing this type of injury.

R700 Rands later, one very sleepy dog who had to be anesthetized to fix his not so little problem Bern and my son Matt returned home. The Vet explained that Sam may need a little operation to fix the problem, but that we were to prevent him from getting excited if we could help it.

This put us all on Red Alert, the first sign of Sam becoming enamored, we could call for Matt my son, and Sam would be unceremoniously picked up and thrown in the pool.

It became quite a regular thing for a few months, so much so that Sam became so used to being put in the pool that if we just called Matt in a louder than normal voice he would take himself off to the pool and climb in. There was this time, however when we called Matt in an excited voice to share some good news with him-

Matt rushed into the room, picked up this very large dog and put him in the pool. We tried to stop him but before we could explain that it was not Sam that needed the attention, Sam was thrown in the pool.

We could not help laughing at the shocked look on my dogs face as he was quite innocent for a change!

Trying not to laugh to loud, we explained that we just wanted to tell him something!

Poor wonderful Sam, I am sure he could not understand what was going on.

Fun and games in a family of 7 people 7 dogs and four cats.

Last night Bern prepared Prawns and a lovely sauce. It was so delicious with that wonderful touch of garlic taste which tastes wonderful but if are not careful has the ability to ward off evil spirits the next day!!

Which reminds me of an incident many years ago when we had quite a full house, Bern and myself, my three children, her niece Shez and her boyfriend who had just been kicked out of his home and our many animals. Now this was a house run on a promise of better things to come as it was quite a difficult time in our lives.

However my family has this ability to face life with the gusto of a roman army. No challenge is too big or too overwhelming. We have shared many many tears but the laughter we have shared has made the tough times so much more bearable and given us the strength to fight another challenge.

The meals times around the huge kitchen table, eating the food prepared by all of us was a time to share, reflect and have our say. We spent these times reconnecting and even when we were struggling with finances or personal issues dinner time was more often than not filled with laughter and banter and teasing.

One evening Sarah and her cousin Shez cooked for the children as Bern and I were out for the evening. On the way to dropping them off at college the next day, Bern asked them what they had for dinner.

Sarah and Shez looked at us in utter amazement at the expressions on our faces and proudly announced that they had spaghetti. Bern then asked how much Garlic they had put in the food, to which Sarah quite rationally explained that they only used two tablespoons of Garlic with a rather indignant voice. Well Bern and I could hardly get our words out we were laughing so much as well as struggling to breathe.

It was so over-powering we had to ask the children to wind down the windows and stick their heads out the window. The garlic smell was very strong and as we all know has this ability to clear a room the day after you have digested it. The journey felt like an eternity and we were quite relieved to drop them off at college. The car kept the garlic smell for many hours.

I can only imagine how their friends shied away when they decided to converse with them. The girls were mortified and no matter how much they tried to disguise the smell with chewing gum there was no mistaking that ever present smell of Garlic!

Matt was waiting for me to fetch him after college during this era in our lives; he climbed in the car in his usual forceful manner. Threw his bag onto the back seat, put his feel on the dashboard. Lit up his smoke and turned to greet me. Only to find that it was not his mother sitting next to him in the car, it was a complete stranger staring at him in horror and fear and shock. She had backed herself into the corner of the car, ready to jump out and shout for help. He had climbed into the wrong car!

When I arrived at college, he was waiting for me with this very big grin on his face. He could hardly contain himself. Before I even left the parking lot he was telling me about the incident and the description of the poor woman whose car he climbed into was classic. He said she had this horrified expression on her face, was ready to flee and had lost all colour in her face.

I could hardly drive I was laughing so much. So I asked him what he did when he realized he was in the wrong car. He replied that he very quickly jumped out the car, grabbed his bag, apologized and hid until he saw my car. This time making sure it was actually me and not a car like mine.


Last month I had to go and drop off some documents at a client. On our way home I stopped in at the client to give him his documents in a grey plastic flyer envelope. It was pouring down with rain and my client met me at my car. Greeted my daughter Caitlin and took the envelope and thanked me for bringing it to him.

I was almost on the Highway when I received a phone call from the client. He thanked me for the envelope and the contents but asked me if I was sure the envelope was meant for him. I said yes, was there a problem in quite a confused voice.

So he thanked me for the envelope but and asked me if I would I mind coming back to fetch the envelope and was laughing. Imagine my surprise when he said “As much as I am quite fond of me in a business relationship type of way I must admit that I am quite taken aback at your declarations in the envelope!” And he would say no more. I agreed to return for the envelope, and was very confused as the envelope contained a copy of his rates and his waybills and flyers for his distribution needs.

It was only when I explained to Caitlin why we were going back that she looked at me in absolute horror. She frantically started searching the car, and went into a total state of panic.

I had given my client her love letter which was meant for her boyfriend Richard.

Caitlin was temping for me in the office and she had put together this wonderful collage for her Richard and in typical young love style had covered it in “I Love you” “You are my life”. The pictures she printed for him were of their weekend away at the coast. I laughed all the way back to the client, tears streaming down my face!

Caitlin was mortified as one of the pictures was of her in her bikini walking hand in hand with Richard! Talk about trying to bribe a client!!! A picture of my daughter in her bikini and declarations of love.

We arrived at the client and I was unable to contain my laughter as I apologized to my client and gave him the envelope that was meant for him. He grinned and looked at Caitlin and said Nice Picture! That was enough to send her into embarrassed giggles and urging me to please leave!

She telephoned Richard to recount the story to him and she was unable to explain it fully as I was in a fit of giggles and she of course joined in. Just thinking about it and my client’s reaction to the Love letter still give me the giggles.

I work in the distribution industry and a few years back we were asked to assist with deliveries of credit cards. The work load was quite intense so I asked Sarah to assist me with making bookings with the clients.

The clients were quite outraged as they had already been waiting for their credit cards from the previous company for several weeks and were quite abusive on the telephone. There was one call that Sarah was handing and the client was getting quite abusive and was very arrogant. She tried to explain the situation but he would just not listen to reason.

He raised his voice and asked her if she knew who he was! To which she answered "Why sir should I?" Quite innocently I might add.

He then went on to tell her he was extremely important and continued to berate her and swear at her and tell her she was incompetent and would not let her get a word in edge ways. On the top of his voice he shouted at her as if he was in a detention hall delivering this reprimand to his constituents, he asked her once again

“Do you know who I am?" Totally insulted that she had no idea who he was and why he was so important.

To which she responded “No sir, do you know who I am?" and he said NO, so she said “good” and put the phone down. This card was returned to the bank with an added notation for their records:

Client was unable to assist our customer services department with his details as he did not know who he was as he kept on asking me IF I KNOW WHO HE WAS! Must be some loss of memory as this client kept on repeating: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Please ask Client to fetch his credit card from the bank and assist him to find out who he is as he clearly needs help. – End of Notation.

I should have been a little annoyed at her unprofessional behaviour but I had witnessed the way in which she had tried to calm the client down and explain the situation and decided to just tell her to put those calls through to me.

I must admit I was a little envious of her attitude and how she handled this very rude obnoxious, confused and totally self conceited man! The courage and the innocence of the young!

Now I understand why some animals eat their Young!!

Today started off pretty well even though the weather was horrid. Overcast and drizzling. My kitchen is now covered with paw prints of all sizes which would be considered Art I am sure in many cultures but not so nice in my once clean kitchen.

The plan for today is to wait for a gentleman to come and collect our gym equipment as we have sold it to him. Seems pretty easy and stress free one would think.

What actually happened has to be from one of those Monty Python movies as it’s so ridiculous and if I had not actually been participating in the events I would not believe that something as simple as selling gym equipment could turn into such a disaster.

This is my Skype message to Sarah this morning when she asked how I was - with the profanities removed for obvious reasons. However if you can close your eyes, and imagine a Mad woman running around I think you will work out what I have so eloquently deleted…..

MESSAGE TYPED IN A SPEED WITH MUCH EMOTION ……………………………………………
1. Just when you think it’s safe to come out the bedroom!!!

2. Matt annoyed me so much today (He …… me offfffffso badly). Stupid (#$%^) irresponsible child

3. Well you know we sold the gym equipment etc

4. Well I searched my butt off for the hand pull thing - the long curved one that is used on the gym

5. Shouted at Bern for always leaving stuff *(&%#) like this to me slammed the phone down on her as only a slide phone can be slammed. I KNOW I AM BEING UNFAIR AND TOTALLY LOST MY MIND BUT I AM IN A PANIC.

6. Not as satisfying as actually slamming a phone down. Searched some more. Cursed and ranted and raved. All the time smelling like a mine worker

7. My temper flaring getting angrier at having to always handle nonsense (%$#) like this by myself – totally unreasonable (sorry My Bern)

8. Then get angry that I go into my tantrum state like only I can when I feel totally useless…. and I have just had it and rant to myself ….”She didn’t take the rubbish out” and I traipse down the driveway with rubbish bags and dogs in tow and am so sorry for myself

9. I get all stupid and remember that she didn’t even tell me she loves me this morning and she didn’t cuddle me last night and didn’t even say my dinner was wonderful and she left me alone last night coz she had to work.. Boo hooo so sorry for myself and so damn childish

10. So I am in a state and wearing my stupid sleep clothes. Skimpy shorts and T- shirt with boobs flapping and now Jinx decides to help me look under beds by putting her nose in my eye

11. So imagine me, all panicky, frustrated, angry and about to cry. Phone Bern and ask her in a very strained voice to ask the MATT ($%#&) if he has seen the pole.

12. He says no!!!

13. In desperation I phone Cait. Her damn phone is off. I phone you (remember this is my Skype to Sarah)

14. Your damn phone rings and goes to message

15. I phone your company and Cait answers and tells me it’s on a hose pipe by Matt’s tree house!!

16. I go outside. In my skimpy shorts and boobs flapping in stupid T shirt that has no warmth. It’s raining!

17. Jinx thinks this is a game

18. And.....

19. She trips me up. It’s raining I am furious. I look up up UP and see the damn pole tied to the Hose pipe which is tied to the damn tree missing a handle cover.

20. I grab the rickety ladder. Knowing full well I am too short but imagine my temper will make me taller.

21. Nearly damn kill myself on that stupid wooden ladder.

22. Phone Bern tells her where the pole is. She shouts at Matt and he just walks off mumbling choice words under his breath

23. Bern tells me the steel ladder in his room.

24. So still wearing next to nothing I grab the ladder. Dodge the cute cuddly monster called jinx. So well named. Climb the ladder. Boobs now on view to everyone I am sure

25. White legs all bumpy from old age and I am standing on the step ladder

26. I can just reach the pole. But that it is all - Scissors in hand phone in my elastic from my shorts and try as I might I cannot reach the knot in the pole.

27. Phone Bern and tell her this is (#$%@) ridiculous. Tell her to get in the car and come damn help me

28. She has no vehicle available at that time of the morning

29. She phones the guy and tells him she will bring the pole at lunch time.

30. Run inside. Jump in shower, only to have the guy arrive while I am naked in the dressing room. I throw on clothes and look a terrible sight

31. Then that is not the end of it.

32. I try to get the dogs in the house. They have picked up on my mood and are running scared from me so I call them in and they get even more terrified. I am still half (*&@#) naked.

33. After 10 minutes they finally come in and I rush to throw something on and I let the guy in. I was in such a rush I have floral shirt with black white and red patterns with brown pants on. Open shoes in this rainy weather and hair looks like I belong in a freak show!!!

34. All because Matt decided to use what does not belong to him and destroy it at the same time.

You think that would be the end of it as this is already way too much for any human heart to handle.

No I get a phone call which totally distracts me, a client has an urgent collection and I have an appointment at 10h30 and I am already in work mode.

I jump in the car barely remembering to put the alarm on in the house. The traffic is not so bad at that time of the day. I arrive at work with trusty my MakeUp Bag and dryer as I decided to dry my wonderful freak hair at work while arranging the collection.

I walk in and Bern asks me… “What are you wearing?”

I totally forgot to change my clothes, and was so worried that in all the mad rush I had forgotten to brush my teeth and then checked to make sure I had the necessary underwear on.

Too late to go home and change clothes for my appointment. A New client who has not has the privilege of meeting me as yet. And my heart falls to my feet and hope to goodness there is not truth in that saying “First impression Lasts!”

Well this has a happy ending, I got the business and the client either felt sorry for me or is colour blind or likes the OUT THERE FRAZZLED look.

What finally makes me laugh is Bern's version of handling the Matt dilemma. She was so angry at his response and the mumblingof profanities as he walked off' she said she nearly flew off the loading bay and nearly gripped him.

My imagination took over and there I could see her dressed up as Super Woman wearing her underwear on top of her clothes in the perfect Super Woman pose as she flew off the loading bay!

Well that was me finished and I finally could see the humour in this morning’s events.

My Life is JINXED!

As I left work today I was not looking forward to the drive home and the knowledge that Bern was only going to get home much later was not one I relished. I do not do the empty house thing very well.

The journey was full of its normal near death experiences with our wonderful and oh so courteous Taxi Drivers. I swear they would teach even the most seasoned New York Taxi driver a thing or two.

Traffic lights are not to be obeyed. A four way stop is something the system invented to allow them free reign of the roads. And you daren’t show anger or mouth swear words as you have learnt from past experience that these drivers are equipped with weapons of mass destruction. It is like going to those carnivals where things jump out at you and no warnings given and scare the living day lights out of you. This reminds me of the joke which I am sure we have all heard.

The local vicar arrives at the pearly gates and is met by Saint Peter. He looks in the book of life, welcomes the vicar and tells him to proceed to the hall of gifts.

He looks around in sheer joy at the sight that is before him. People dressed in wonderful robes and are adorned with wonderful jewelry; however there are also quite a few who are dressed in plain outfits with little or no accessories. He is led to a table with the drab robes and plain shoes and has a small selection of jewelry to choose from.

The vicar is a little taken aback and although he never had these treasures on earth he did feel a little upset as he was promised great riches in the hereafter.

He approached Saint Peter and asked why there were different robes and jewelry in heaven as he thought everyone was equal. To which the Ark Angel replied.

When you preached, your congregation hardly paid attention and their prayers were half hearted. Most of your congregation slept during your sermons. So the vicar had to agree that yes his sermons were not always so entertaining. He pointed to a man who was wearing the most magnificent robes, was adorned is so much jewelry he look radiant. So the vicar turned to Saint Peter, and asked him if that gentleman was a preacher or minister or some missionary in Africa.

To which Saint Peter shook his head. He said no, the gentleman concerned drove a Taxi in South Africa, and the vicar couldn’t believe his ears!!! And how does this qualify him for such blessings the vicar asked outraged.

Saint Peter replied. No one dared to sleep while he performed his job and the prayers could be heard throughout the heavens and they were shouted with such raw emotion and sincerity. He reached a lot more people with his driving skills than you did with your boring sermons.

This brings me back to my trip home, which other than dodging the taxis as you would at a carnival in the dodge-em-cars, was quite uneventful. The life of a South African driver!

I get home, open the electric gates make sure the dogs are out of the way and that Lady Jinx is nowhere near as she tends to run out into the road as soon as the gate is opened. This was not going to be as bad as I anticipated I tell myself. Bern is working, I am not returning to a dark house and Jinx seems to be in the other part of the garden out of danger.

I park the car, making sure not to drive over the precious animals. Climb out the car, grab my hand bag, the makeup bag I took to work, and lean in the back to grab the lap top.

I Have the balancing act down pat until JINX arrives to greet me. My car keys go flying, which she decides is a new game of fetch. Oh she loves fetch; she tries to help me put my socks on when I decide to wear them. Takes them off me and runs away to return with them all soggy and then she wants me to throw them for her.

So I juggle the bag, the lap top and make-up bag which holds my hair dryer too and various brushes required by the hairdressers’ law to get that sleek shiny controllable look.

I think I am pulling off the balancing act rather well and am dancing around the animals and telling them to behave when the most embarrassing thing happens. My trousers begin to slip down because …… drum roll…JINX decided to jump up on me and got her foot hooked in my pocket.

So I have no free hands, it’s a free for all with the dogs now and I feel my trousers slipping. Do I put down the lap top or the hand bag, NO I decide if I walk quick enough I will be at the security gate with more than enough time to open the gate after unlocking the safety lock and let the dogs inside before I have to deposit the lap top and bag and make up bag on the kitchen table, fix my falling trousers and then scoot down the passage to switch off the alarm.

Alas this is not to be. I am opening the lock and gravity wins. My trousers slip right off to the knees. My lily white legs are exposed. I drop my bag to grab my trousers but not before Madam Jinx decides it’s a good idea to lick my thigh just below my shirt which is the only thing hiding my BUTT!

I only hope that I did not have a peeping neighbour to witness this moment in the life of Madness as I jumped around while pulling up my trousers with no grace whatsoever I seem to be playing a leading role in!

Return of the monster Telephone attack

Follow up on the attack for the screaming Accountant

Earlier I shared with you the phone call I received from our Head Office Accountant and how politely I handled his telephonic Oscar winning performance.

A while later I received another phone call and the abuse carried on. You know the type I mean, threats a constant barrage of swearing that sailors would have been appalled to hear and raised voices and not being able to get a word in edge ways.

Well Friday was not a good day for me as it was. I was not feeling quite as healthily as I would have liked. So I listened and tried to jump into the conversation when he took a breath but it was not to be. He ranted and raved and told me I was stupid and inefficient and that I should have notified him and his staff of any changes I required on any of the charges at the time they happened. Well this is when I totally lost control.

I took a deep breath, felt my blood pressure rise and told him to SHUT THE %^& *# UP. There was stunned silence which I took advantage of and said if you bothered to read your mail, the change in the charges was mailed to you the very following day before you would have received the documents for costing purposes! I continued in a rather loud obnoxious voice and said not only do I have proof I sent it, I also have a read receipt from you!

The wonders of technology. He did not apologize, he just ranted some more, shouted at his staff and promised to telephone me back. Needless to say, I am still waiting for this call.

I sat there and was astounded at my lack of control and started to giggle to myself, thank goodness I do not share my office with anyone. I am not normally disrespectful or lose control like that but I did feel a lot better afterwards.

This reminds me of an incident that happened at my daughters work earlier this year. She had quite an irate customer on the line who could not understand that before certain tasks were carried out by her company payments needed to be made upfront.

This client insisted on speaking to the Manager who handles the imports in the business. The Manager barely had time to introduce himself when the client flew off the wall at him and would not let him explain.

In true South African style he sat and listened to the abuse pouring out the ear piece at him and when the language became unbearable he simply put the phone down in the phone cradle there by ending the conversation. This was not before his attempts to calm the client down by being diplomatic and doing the “I understand where you are coming from Mr. Client, I realize your frustrations Mr. Client, and however these specifications are not set out by my company and are legislation as set out by Customs”.

After trying to reason with the client he simply gave up and refused to listen to the profanities spewing out the client’s mouth.

The telephone rang with super human speed and Sarah knew this could only be the client once again. So she answered in her cheerful voice and when she realized it was this irate customer, asked them to hold for the Manager and put the call through to him.

The clients shouted “DID YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN ON ME?” To which Sarah’s manager replied:
I don’t know – did it sound something like this? “Click! “ AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN ON THE CLIENT ONCE AGAIN.

Priceless. To say the office broke out in to uncontrollable fits of laughter is an understatement. How many times have we ourselves wanted to do that exact same thing!

The Magic of a mother's kiss

Yesterday was a good day-Sunday a day of rest and reflection and memories. The house is lovely and quiet, the furry children (my lovely animals) content and for a change not destroying the house. This makes me think about my children and how much joy they have brought to my life.

This morning just before I am ready to leave the house I get a phone call from my Sarah my eldest child and she is in a bit of a panic and close to tears.

I ask her what is wrong with dread in my heart. She explains she slammed her sister Caitlin’s fingers in the car door and can I please help?

I do the obvious and ask “Are her fingers broken? Can she move them?” to which she replies yes but she is really in pain. She puts Caitlin on the phone who is trying to be brave and I tell her to put an ice pack on her fingers and send a healing kiss over the phone. Ah the magic of a mother’s kiss! I still miss being able to telephone my mother and ask her to use her magical powers and heal the pain in my heart too.

The laughter we have shared has more than once helped us through some very dark times. However the Ice Pack had also come in handy many a time through the years of childhood mishaps. In fact we have become experts at handling the odd cut, need for stitches, the serious bruises and the suspected broken bones! And of Course Mom's special powers of healing has been called in many a time to fix the situation with a kiss.

That magic kiss that I believe only mother’s posses.

My son Matt was born with a sense of humour that I believe he could only have got from my father his Babba- Grandfather in Shona. From the day he was born, he giggled at himself and at life in general. From a very young age he would go to bed with his Cap on and his rugby ball.

He was not however blessed with the great balance as a child. This I am sure he inherited from his dad. If there was a small fleck on the floor he would trip over it and lie on the floor laughing with such abandonment at this new adventure in his life.

His clumsiness carried on throughout his life. Like the time he came running into my room with a cut on his eye and Exclaimed in a very loud voice that the Katty (A piece of rubber attached between a fork shaped piece of branch from a tree) he was using snapped and hit him in the eye in a tone that could not be mistaken for “This is all your fault”. So I calmly apologized for the Katty breaking and tried to keep calm. By now we all know the drill, cold compression, get the car out the garage and rush to the MediClinic.

I would receive a message that I needed to phone my children on my cell phone. My heart would drop at the fear of “Oh no what happened”. I would phone the children, listen to the reason for the phone call. Put down the phone after giving the necessary instructions. I would grab my car keys and rush off. On my way out my colleagues would ask me “What has happened to your son now?”

This was not an unreasonable question as he was quite accident prone. The one time that will stick in my memory is after an incident that happened in the early evening; I had to make a trip to the MediClinic to have stitches put on Matts eye. I rushed off to the doctor and he was seen to immediately. It was only afterwards that I looked at my state of dress. I was wearing my oldest track suit and sheep skin slippers and my hair was a real sight.

The follow up meeting with the doctor went well. No permanent damage to the eye, but I was a little puzzled by the smile on the doctor’s face. He then looked at me and said, “I nearly didn't recognize you Cinderella! " I saw the humour in his statement as I was now in my work clothes and I am sure looked a much better sight than the one who met him last week.

While staying in Zimbabwe for a year taking a bit of a break from the mad hustle and bustle of Johannesburg I was fortunate enough to stay with my parents. My children were still quite young and not as school going age.

Caitlin is quite an adventurer and has this ability to face life head on and no matter what the situation she seems to overcome adversity. No matter what the challenge she seemed to win hearts every where she went. I swear if there was a volcano erupting she would throw the lava right back at it and the volcano would be too scared to continue erupting!

My father was a particularly nervous grandfather and as I mentioned before had a great sense of humour, and often Caitlin tested this to the limit.

We had a lovely enclosed pool area. The main bedroom had a door leading onto the pool area. When my father was in his room reading he would keep the door open for air circulation. Caitlin knew she was not allowed out the door however she would test the limits and boundaries as often as she could.

She would run into the bedroom and head straight for the door. My father would call for her and tell her to come back inside and when he had no response he would get up and go to the French doors to go and fetch her. As he reached the curtains, she would stick her head out and go Boo!

She was two at the time, a real sense of humour even at that age. She was nowhere near the pool; she was waiting in great excitement for the inevitable reactions she would get from my father. She would look up at her very much adored grandfather who she called "Babba" and hug his legs and then run off back into the house giggling at her game and so pleased she managed to trick her Babba again.

Sarah has this very infectious giggle and very deep old soul. She has the ability to heal the world with her beautiful smile that lights up the world. While staying Knysna I was busy cleaning up the lounge area when I heard this wonderful giggle and a kind of whooshing sound followed by a thump but no tears as the thump was rather loud. Then a whoosh sound and an even bigger giggle.

I quickly waddled to the kitchen as I was pregnant with my son Matt. The sight that met me was one of absolute chaos and joy. She had found the bottle of cooking oil and poured into onto my kitchen floor and was playing Slip and Slide across the kitchen. This little two year old red haired angel with oil covering every inch of her body shrieking with laughter at the sheer joy of just doing what her little heart desired.

I sat on the floor with her and we played in the oil as I watched my once sparkling clean kitchen become this gleaming mess of fun. I looked around and realized that somehow I would need to soak this oil up. So in a brain wave, well I thought so at the time, I pulled out the bag of cake flour and threw this into the oil thinking the flour would soak the oil up and hey presto would be easier to clean.

What I landed up with was a pancake coated daughter and kitchen looking like it should be declared a disaster zone. But the giggles of joy from my Sarah were well worth it. She was covered in oil and flour and very much in need of a bath.

The bath time became as much of a game as the kitchen slip and slide. She used the sides of the bath as a slide in a playground. This little wriggling body of joy. So happy with life and so very cute. Little white floured face, body totally greased and smelling like a fish and chip shop. It took many washes and more giggles and that memory with stay with me forever.

I cherish those memories before you know it, they are grown up and busy with their lives but am grateful to still receive the phone call asking me to still Kiss them better!

When not to Laugh!

Some People have the ability to Turn a Bad day in a Day that turns you into a murdering steam roller!!!!

I came to work with nothing on my mind in particular except the early hour I was in the office. Now this is not a problem. Just meant a little more planning and things went smoothly enough. The animals are taken care of and off to work I go.

I received a phone call from one of our financial people in our head office. The phone call goes like this

I am going to kill you and I am going to $%&$# take the cash sales off your salary.

So I say “Good Morning to you too” … needless to say this went down with this person as well as a fox in a hen house would! I am then attacked with such a splendiferous choice of words that make me go even paler than I actually am today. I sit there in my chair holding on to my cell phone expecting hands to reach through the phone to strangle me. I calmly try to explain the following

1. I need further information
2. I have furnished proof of payment
3. May I have a copy of the cash sales invoice I ask ever so bravely?

The attack continues. This is guerrilla warfare as I try to explain I do not have access to the main server, and therefore would need them to be mailed to me.

I get verbally abused once again and all my request are turned down flat with some very choice words thrown in for colouring, Ahhhh shame maybe this person was trying to help put some colouring into my very bleak face this morning. Poor poor deranged individual.

Does this individual not understand the concept of “You attract more flies with honey than vinegar or is it bees? "

I can never remember. The phone then gets put down on me. Another thing that really makes the receiver all the more willing to jump right to the query and run around shouting hip hip hooray I have been scolded!!! "Ohhhhh please let me do this, please pick me pick me - hand raised up in the air for attention!

Needless to say, I am prone to fits of wanting to say the obvious “Like who do you think you’re talking to” and come up with all the best lines in retort but alas it was not to be, the phone line was dead in my ear.

I sit at my desk and marvel at the word communication. This usually takes place between more than 1 person, unless of course you have a split personality (which I am sure this individual was today) and communication usually means “they talk, you listen, you talk, they listen so on and so forth. Not they talk, they talk they talk, you try to work out the words that are flying at you in such a rate you can barely keep up, and the threats on your life just keep coming…. Then end the CONVERSATION by just slamming the phone down in your ear. Note I did not say communication.

Oh the skills of communicating. I am now quite riled up and do what any sane person would do. I feel the tears coming to my eyes in anger and frustration, pull up all the mails etc as proof of payment and send them off with a note added. This note is in no ways rude or mean, Factual and precise and press send. I doubt very much I will get an apology.
Taken on the weekend of the Wedding

This reminds me very much of my sweet father who has not been with us for a quite a few years now. He was prone to fits of loud outbursts too and looking back on them as an adult, I must say they were hardly as amusing at the time as they now seem. There is one time however when the situation was hysterical.
We were staying in a hotel as we were attending my cousins wedding. We climbed into the elevator, my mother, my father, my sister, my future sister in law, and my two brothers to go up to the room to get ready for the ceremony and festivities thereafter.

I have no idea what possessed my older brother to do what he did next. I mean it was quite out of character and most unexpected when we were in the presence of our parents who believed in the Old way of disciplining children. Now we were young adults so it was not the fear of a spanking, no we just showed respect to our parents in their presence.

I watched the events unfold in horror and that sick delight we get when we just know this is going to be one of those times you wish you had a video camera.

My brother pushes the Emergency Stop button. So the elevator stops. What we do not realize that we have almost reached our floor and the elevator stops, the doors open and my father who is now quite red in the face with annoyance proceeds to walk out the doors.

What he fails to see however is that the lift floor is not level with the floor on the other side. It is lower than the floor on the third floor. My father steps out, does not see the floor as he had a rather largish stomach. He falls forward as if in slow motion. The lift doors close behind him, thankfully not catching his kicking legs.

Ping! The lift doors open and there is my father on the floor like one of those wobbly men toys. Well my mother ever the diplomat is telling us not to laugh, she asks my father in her soft angelic voice "Darl are you all right?”

My brothers, sisters and I are unable to offer any type of assistance at all. We are rolling on the floor laughing at the turn of the events. We cannot help ourselves. It was just one of those moments that are not supposed to happen and as much as we knew it was wrong to laugh and that we would be in serious trouble for our lack of respect the hysteria just would not and could not be controlled.

There is my father on the floor, clearly not hurt, very angry and of course giving us his opinion of the situation. Gruffly scolding us but we were like little school kids trying to hide our giggles and were unable to disguise the donkey like laughter that was escaping past our hands which we had pressed very tightly to our mouths.

My father climbed up with what little dignity he had left and stormed down the passage while we tried to find the ability to breathe again.

The wedding went of extremely well without any incidents, but every time I enter an elevator I am reminded of my father who under different circumstances would have seen the humour and had it been anyone else - he would have laughed in his big jovial full of feeling laugh which we knew and loved to hear.

The memory of his tipple out the elevator as we watched on in horror as the elevator doors closed behind him and we continued up for approximately 30cm to have the doors “ Ping” open ever so politely and slowly still makes my siblings roll with laughter.

I am sure as I stand in the elevator not making eye contact with, I must look quite insane as I giggle to myself. This usually makes the people in the lift uncomfortable. They tend to move away from me in haste and crowd into a corner hoping I won’t talk to them or worse break into song!!!

They rush the elevator doors to get out, but I do not, No I wait to check that the elevator floor meets the floor levelly on the other side! I Then smile to myself and continue on my journey.

This smile is for you dad, who added so much joy and colour to our lives, who had the ability to make us laugh even in the worst of days. We love you and miss you.