Fridays! and what can happen

Fridays! and what they mean to me.

Well obviously it means the end of a grueling week, filled with aches and pains this week. But most Fridays are welcomed. But in our industry it’s also one of the toughest days of the week. Everyone closes early and what we managed to do in a normal working day we have to achieve by 14h00.

This is when stress levels rise and the sublime really does become the ridiculous. Now add to that the clients who have woken up to the fact that it is pay day for most companies, and its Friday and they forgot to put the pay slips in an overnight bag to their head office or branches and they sent it road freight. A few years back one of our customer services girls received a call of this nature.

“Please can you help us out; we put the salary slips in an envelope and forgot to mark it overnight express. It was marked road freight and we need to get the salary slips delivered before 10h00 today.”

Now let me explain this envelope was on route to Cape Town on a super link. This is a 48 hour service from Johannesburg and once loaded there is nothing we can do about it.

So Donne patiently explained that the truck was more than likely half way to Cape Town and unfortunately we would not be able to help. The client became quite adamant and insisted that we need to send a vehicle to meet it and get the envelope. Well Donne has always had a sharp sense of humour, so she said, “Well ma’am we have our jet- plane on standby just for these occasions, we will just fire it up and it can meet the Super Link!”

The client became excited and asked “Can You Really?” To which Donne answered “And I suppose you still believe in the tooth fairy! Of course we don’t have a jet- plane and of course we can’t send a vehicle to meets the super link. !” The client just could not grasp the concept that this super link was in all probability carrying 20 – 30 tons of freight (20 000kgs to 30 000 kgs) and she wanted us to stop the truck, off load all this freight on the side of the road after finding a place to land our Jet-Plane… to find an A4 envelope. Needless to say even after it was explained to her; she was adamant that something had to be done.

“Well here is a suggestion. It’s now 9h30, and your request of it being delivered by 10h00 is really far fetched. But if you run another set of salary slips, we can same day it to Cape Town for you and it will be there after lunch. “explained Donne. You think this would have been of some assistance – but this was not good enough, the client then explained that there were signed cheques for salaries and the staff needed their pay.

Oh well, there was not much more we could do, other than suggest they re-do the cheques and the salary slips and we same day them to Cape Town. Oh the saga did not end there, no there was no one to sign the cheques and the fun and games continued. So Donne said “Have you ever heard of technology, how about transferring the money into their accounts and holding back the cheques when the envelope is delivered on Monday. The clients solution, find out where the truck is and hire a helicopter. This was going nowhere so we decided to quote on her request – R35 000 later plus down time to off load the truck the client finally grasped that this was not going to happen.

Yeah! Our industry, one of urgent and impossible situations. I took a call where the client wanted a same day to London. She telephoned mid morning. Well I explained that London was a next day delivery as long as it was London central and as long as we managed to catch the early flight not the afternoon flight. Well they could not understand this at all. So I checked out who the client was and to my surprise they were a travel agent. So I put my teacher hat on and asked patronizingly, “Ma’am how long is a flight to London?” – hmmm she replied very knowledgeable of her product. She rattles off the flight times and the time it takes to fly. So I asked her if I left at 12h00, would I be in London by this afternoon, and then asked her to please arrange the flight for me.

She responded in a nasal, patronizing tone,” it’s a 12 hour flight I can’t do that! So I said “My sentiments exactly!” Now this went right over her head. So I had to explain as if explaining to a 5 year old. “Ma’am it will take us exactly the same time to fly to London as if you were flying.”

“Oh she says, I thought you had your own planes and had super fast planes. Oh please, save me from idiots…… so I said “no ma’am we use the same airlines as you do to book our parcels on.”

I mean how hard can it be? Yes there is the personal courier option and I explained we could send someone to London with her envelope to cut out the extra hours for clearing and de-stuffing the plane, but in essence it was not going to happen this afternoon. I sit here and shake my head at this memory. I now I am not a genius unless I have had Hooligan Juice of course then I am a more than genius but that situation was one for the… HERE IS YOUR STUPID STICKER! – CATEGORY

Friday are also the days when we make all these plans for our weekends and hope the weather stays fine and go shopping as if for a month for two days and get those extra goodies we know our budget won’t allow. Until mid month when we realize that the extra goodies have cleaned out our bank account and have added kilos to our already widening asses. So you do the “what can we have on our bread”, only to find the peanut butter is on its last, but you still scrape the dried up gunk onto your bread in the hopes that some miracle has happened and this dry gunk is now delicious. Then comes the last few days to pay day….. This is the bread with no spreads on at all - not even margarine time of the month. This is also the time when I become very creative in my cooking, throwing all sorts of goodies together and I have to say some of these are never to be repeated again, but some are absolutely delicious.

I am sure we have all checked our hand bags, pockets, car ashtrays, under the couch cushions for the hidden treasure to buy that loaf of bread, or box of cigarettes, or litre of milk, but somehow we survive the last week and look back at it and there really is no explanation to how we did it, just an amazing feeling of….YES WE DID IT. Speaking of surviving, I am still amazed I survive my animals.

Yesterday morning, while watching my animals destroy my bed room once again, I smiled at the simplicity of their lives. They seem so happy with themselves. ..Romping, scrambling over my bed, chewing by dust brush to shreds, and they are so loving and giving ….as mentioned before they have of course brought me many lizards but Jinx has taught beast to eat snails too now. So I have the delightful feeling of squish under my toes in the middle of the night when I let them out. Delightful and charming and oh so close to my adding extra gunk on the floor. I now put my light on and dodge half eaten lizards and crunched up snails. Totally disgusting! I refuse to pick it up, poor Bern has that job every day and I mean every day.

Now Kitty we believe is an expectant mom, well I am really not too sure actually but she is behaving stranger than normal. She has this craving for sweet stuff and….. Cooking oil. See it’s not only humans who have cravings. She steals bites of chocolate from me, but last night she actually stole marsh mellows out of the packet. Then she played with them and ate them but if they landed on the floor she lost them to Beast and Jinx, hence the plural –marsh mellows... She would not take no for an answer and dug the packet out of under the pillow and growled at Jinx who jumped on the bed to investigate.

Her favourite places at the moment are: the bathroom where she teeters on the thin rim of the bath while I bath, shouting at me in I can only assume is agony as she witnesses this beached whale taking a bath. Her concern is very evident as she tries to persuade me to get out of the water. She has become increasingly verbal and I still have not learnt to speak CAT, but I am working on it. Her other favourite place is my new hand bag; she pushed everything out of my hand bag and curls up inside it. She is ether telling me to clear out my hand bag or she wants to come to work with me. As I said I need to brush up on my Cat Language skills. She gets quite annoyed when I tip her out of the hand bag and replace my valuables into my hand bag before leaving for work.

I have realized though in the last few weeks that the tempo of the games has changed as Little Boy now joins in the game of “chase me if you dare, bite me, and destroy mom’s room.” I realized this because I now have Kitty, Little boy and Jinx climbing onto the bed in their pursuit of each other and usually while I am sleeping. Well the other night I had not been asleep for long. Kitty was being chased by Jinx (of Course I hear you say, who else would be doing that. But I also hear you ask ….. What is wrong with you? ….lock them outside!)

I felt this excruciating pain on my right arm which was curled up under my pillow and this feeling of my skin being ripped apart. Kitty had used my arm to pull herself up onto the bed. Now I would normally have screamed out in pain, but I was so shocked and in pain that I woke up, levitate about 50cm high I am sure and fell back onto the bed, too scared to breathe or make a noise. I felt the throbbing and the wetness of my injury and just knew this would need stitches and perhaps amputation and limb replacement.

I lay there and felt it throb and the blood was pouring out….. I just lay there, didn’t wake Bern as I was too scared to switch on the light to look at the damages as I am not very good at the sight of blood and carried on lying there trying not to cry as I imagined my life without an arm and how would I explain to my children that Kitty killed my arm.

I lay there too scared to move as they were still romping around the room and did not want a repeat performance.

I lay there and imagined how I was going to Kill Kitty without actually hurting her, and I lay there listening to Bern sleeping so peacefully and this sudden urge over came me to feed her, her pillow!

Well I then decided, to hell with this, I was not going to get a bandage, I was just going to lie here and bleed to death AND MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD MISS ME. I was sure Bern would wake up and see this pale version of me on the bed and not guess that our cat killed me. With that morbid thought on my mind and careful not to move my seriously damaged arm, a lulled myself back to sleep with the knowledge that I was going to meet my maker – oh woe is me….. I thought, to die by CAT.

The next morning, I was very surprised to see I was in fact still on this earth. I looked up at the ceiling, totally expecting to see the ceiling covered with blood splatter as my arm had pumped out the blood in gushes.

I saw…..NOTHING! I then gingerly looked at my bed expecting it to be soaked in my precious blood, only to see nothing! Then I checked my brutal scar/wound. Well there was this aching red, long scratch, 3 inches long if not longer, a deep cut that I was convinced needed stitches and no blood. How the hell did that happen? I swear she ripped my arm off. So I looked closer, saw the scratches from her other claws and checked for the evidence of my near death experience again on my sheet, pillow, checked the carpet to see if it and not in fact run off my arm on to the carpet……. Nothing. All I had to show for my assault was this humongous scratch the colour of a tomatoe and the pain of surgery which I was sure had just been performed and I growled at Bern.

“You slept through it all, I was attached by Kitty and you slept through it all and I bled to death and n you slept through it all!

To which I hear Mathew say in the passage….. “Do we need to call an ambulance mom for your arm transplant?” “Not funny. Not funny at all Mat” I shouted back

A person would swear I over-react. I mean when I got my foot sun burnt this weekend and was not able to wear a shoe, did I ask for a footy replacement…. Welllllllll maybe -but to myself only. When I fell and cracked my back, did I ask for spine replacement…? Oh well maybe I did when I was being massaged….. Damn that hurt. Why is it that people insist on putting their massaging fingers right in the bruised/broken and shattered parts and say “DOES THAT HURT?” Of course it hurts you imbecile, the blood and bruises should be a dead giveaway.

Ok so maybe I over play my injuries and the kids love to tease me about needing an ambulance for transplants. But you get attacked by a cat or a desk, or a chair and you will see it’s not fun. Like the evening I tried to run out to save my cat from being attacked back in Johannesburg but forgot to open the security gate. Well I thought my speed would just push me through the bars and when I bounced off the bars and landed flat on my ass, I realized I had in fact really damaged my arm and shoulder. Bern saw this as if in slow motion and she still reenacts it and still laughs at me. They call it “Michelle karate chopping the security door.” I was unable to drive for about three weeks and have you ever tried to dress yourself with one arm? Well underwear on the top is a real challenge and so is going without it let me tell you.

Ok so now back to my morning coffee break, I was watching the angels play and as I took a sip of my coffee…. I hiccuped. Well you can imagine the hot newly made coffee was pulled into my flu lungs and my reaction was not to swallow but to scream with coffee dripping out my mouth onto my neck, and I had this coughing fit and hiccup fit all at the same time and this of course confused the animals even more and chaos reigned. Ever tried to breathe, hiccup and fight off animals licking you as you try to throw your arms up to breath.

I still have the blisters on my tongue form that experience. So today Friday the 29th January, the dogs clearly thought they would play the Good Samaritan and rescue me from my cup of coffee I had just made. Such sweet caring animals, they knocked my coffee table and I now need a skin graft on my knee from the scorching hot coffee they managed to throw at me. Aghhhhhh I need therapy!
Well it is Friday and I have the weekend to recover. I am finally able to wear a shoe on my not so red foot anymore, but the clothing rubbing on my 5th degree burn on my knee is not so pleasant. Anyone know where I can get a transplant! No not a brain transplant……….. And leg transplant!

Going to the beach will be interesting tomorrow with this new leg!!!

FUNNY MOMENTS ON SKYPE and Heat Waves

Last week I was chatting to my cousin on Skype and she had just read the Doom story that my wonderful mother had used instead of underarm deo. After wiping the tears out of her eyes we started reminiscing about family and the fact that we are all rather strange and it can’t be the gene pool as we have different mums!!! And most definitely not the same fathers. So we decided that somehow one of us is adopted or one of us was left in the cabbage garden.

Message from Ronelle last week
Ronelle :“ I think you are right……………………….but actually, I think as I am the SANE, NORMAL one in the family, I must be ADOPTED !!!!
Ronelle: well, this sane one has just thrown her entire bottle of water at herself! Lid came off! bliksem, now me all wet!
Michelle: ha ha wet t-shirt
Michelle: competition here we come.

Her response was no not her T-shirt that was wet but her pants …. And of course the conversation went pear shaped from there. I teased that it must be new experience for her, so she said she needed a bloody turbo vacuum… “Can you just see me” was her comment ….well that was me finished. I nearly fell off my chair and explained that I visualize everything and thanks very much, but that image of my cousin was one that I now need to go and wash out my eyes with turpentine. Thanks for that Cuz, you are most definitely high up there on the freak meter. But then I know we are related, my girls also seem to come up with the best Skype messages. This is one I got today from Sarah, all about her wonderful dilly sister Cait and her not so sane client.

Sarah: I say to Cait if our flat is burning down what will you grab?
Sarah: so she says her handbag
Sarah: no wait her clothes
Michelle: ha hahahaha
Sarah: then she says damit I’ll be dead, I’ll just go down with the flat
[Michelle: well are you surprised
Sarah: hahahahahahahaha
Michelle: you would grab your cell
Sarah: u r smart it’s like you made me hahahahaha
Michelle: ITS LIKE I KNOW!
Sarah: hahahahahaha f%&^ she is being an ass today
“I told her a lady bug was in my flat this morning and she said I must be careful coz it wants to put spots on me and make me into a giant lady bird so they can take over the world and they will bite you hum hum hum (biting noise)”

Well I want what Cait had for breakfast and please give me a second helping of that too.
Then Sarah gets this Skype form a client
They are discussing their day
Client: At least yours is going quickly!!! Mine is dragging................... and every time the phone rings, it feels like someone is throwing daggers at my head!!!

I always Over Sleep........ Always late!!!
Sarah: Hahahahaha That’s funny ass shit

I wish I could over sleep!!!
Client : Ha,ha!! I wish I could wake up on time man.... I wouldn't have to get dressed in the car while clients are calling me on my cell!! It sucks!!!
Sarah: Now that’s frikken funny, how the hell do you manage that hahahahahaha you must be an absolute sight in traffic LMFAO
Client: I'm not gonna lie...... I do turn a couple of heads! It's just a pity it's usually old men or taxi drivers heads though!!! Whahaha!
Life is too damn serious and this is what breaks my day up into crazy and hilarious. We have already established that I most definitely do not have a normal life. And this weekend is a really good example of that.

I think that saying Hell will freeze over if I have a normal day will definitely apply in my life, but this weekend it would have been a nice break from the HEAT if Hell did freeze over. Oh my goodness, I was not warned about the Durban weather this time of the year. So like a tourist we went off to the beach on Saturday. Matt with his surf board, me with my ugly grey clog things and Bern with sensible shoes and a booby top! Yes I own one of those. (What was I thinking?)

We walked, or should I say "panted" on the beach. The sun beating down on our heads, eventually we sit to watch Matt and his buddy surf, and fall and nearly drown. I sit there like the proud mother and feel my heart in my throat. I swear I hold my breath with him when I see him dumped. An hour and a half later he drags himself out the sea and we go home. It is only in the car when I see what an idiot I have been..... Well a little more than usual. I put my feet up on the dash board of the car (yes I know…keep your comments to yourself.. but I always do) and I look at my feet. One is the colour of a red tomato and the other white as they day it was given to me by the foot fairy. How did I get that right?

Then I look at my chest. I have a perfect V! And I have the perfect t-shirt tan. Oh and this week I am seeing new clients so how do you hide this fiasco of my day in the sun….. Red nose, red ears. 1 red foot which means I can’t wear a shoe and my blooming red neck like a Christmas turkey. Oh my Life. Dom thanks for that saying F My Life works so well for me right now and thanks to Bern I have now picked up the damn summer flu so I have this wonderful summer tan as if I was a puzzle, I can put Rudolph to shame with my red nose. My eyes are still bleeding from trying to get the image of my cousin out of it, and I have a runny nose, and a perfect red v on my now very sore and flu chest. OH WHAT A great start to the week. I think I need to find that ARK soon or I am sure the lunatic asylum will be looking for me soon.

And the madness doesn’t end there, on Sunday the HEAT WAVE continued, why do we call it a wave, a wave is an indication of fun or hello or hi, I was the wilted flower in the desert and I think the bottle of red wine from the night before effected what little brain cells I had left. So I dragged myself to the pool telling Bern we need to put out feet in the pool. The dogs thought we were insane…an hour later we were still in the pool, clothes and all. It was just too much effort to go grab our costumes and we made sure the dogs were drenched by the time we finished just like school kids!!

But it was fun and then I had to ask Matt for a towel. He met me at the door and looked at his drowned rat of a mother whose clothes were clinging to her most fetchingly (NOT) and he shook his head and told me I was REALLY SPECIAL and we all know he meant that in not the nicest polite way. I didn’t care, we walked into the house leaving a wet trail behind us and fell exhausted on the bed and hoped the HEAT WAVE WOULD BREAK. But it was not to be ....midnight Bern and I did a repeat trip to the pool in our pj’s but this time we just stood on the pool up to our shorts. This had better break soon; I don’t think my weary old body can take much more. My neighbours I am sure have the asylum on speed dial.

Thank goodness for air conditioners in the office. However the weather is supposed to be storms this week, let's hope that is not an indication of my week or my year head!

Mishaps in the office

It's one thing to have a streaming nose but quite another to have a toilet roll streamer across the office....mmm I dropped the toilet roll I got to blow my nose.......
[2:00:33 PM] Bernadette Brooks: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck
[2:00:44 PM] Bernadette Brooks: it's as bad as playing 52 pick up



This is the Skype I got from Bern yesterday. She's picked up summer flu and is feeling awful, needless to say she's not in the best of moods! The animals and their antics this morning certainly didn't help her sense of humour or should I say the lack thereof. You see, usually Bern has left for work by the time the dogs wake up and begin their methodical destruction of the room, the house and me!! So in desperation and what I thought was my better judgement I locked them outside, this didn't help much, the crying, wailing, scratching was almost worse than their destructive habits. Jinx, however, will stop at nothing to get in, especially if she thinks she's missing out on some fun. They, of course wanted to come in and play with their favourite soft toy.... Mommy's butt!!! I'm sure this dog has a really strange sense of humour, she literally stalks my butt, biding her time until I'm completely oblivious then she pounces, nips, sits back and waits for the girly squeal!!! So imagine, there I am innocently lying on the bed or talking on the phone and with no provocation what so ever....my butt is under attack.....shriek...yelp and off Jinx proudly trots and you can almost hear her giggling!! I thank each day for Jinx who brings a smile or a grimace as the case may be but I cannot imagine a life without Jinx in it!!


This morning I was vacuuming my car and giving it a long overdue spring clean inside, Jinx and Monster Kitty both believed that this was some sort of adventure scrabbling over the seats playing catch -disposing of more hair than the vacuum could cope with!! As is par for the course, while cleaning under the seats I became a springboard to aid and abet their game, but hey all for a good cause!!


Beast, not prepared to be left out attacked the dust brush as I swept the seats and carpets doing the puppy version of a Doberman in full sway...concentrate....pounce....miss modes!!! His lanky puppy legs...well...they just lanky puppy legs...and he hasn't quite mastered the art of being an attack dog yet, after all, he's still a puppy and so waddles, falls and does the drunken man walk to perfection especially when he's concentrating on inflicting pain to my lower limbs or some other unsuspecting victim!!


I don’t need television with my animals, they don’t repeat themselves like DSTV and they give back so much more than I could possibly give them, it’s actually not fair, everyone should be loved and adored by a pet the way I am……You would then understand that Life is for Living.


This all at 6:00am whilst preparations for work were underway….or a semblance of preparation …”and the Mishaps go on”……. all before work!! So in the greater scheme of things dropping a little toilet roll & letting it roll across a room…..shew that’s nothing compared to getting ready for work with the pets!!!
Okay so we all know I’m the magnet for the ridiculous and making an idiot of myself at work….well that just comes naturally…..I honestly don’t do this intentionally I seem to have this innate ability to make a bad situation hilarious at my very own expense!! I suppose this is why I dislike candid camera stories where the victim is made to look so stupid and I am not impressed when they have these telephone prank calls on the radio. I cringe and get so annoyed that they can make fun of someone at their expense; in fact I turn the damn radio off. “Do not belittle anyone is my motto.” Well I need to start putting this into practice for myself. I seem to do this with no effort at all and I believe I have perfected the art of making a fool of myself. I am considering a career change- I may as well get paid for making people laugh at my mishaps.


Like the time I was arranging a conference for a prospective client who was not the easiest person to get an appointment with, in fact he was damn right rude and offensive, but I wanted his business so we arranged a presentation at our offices. As is always the case, we offer coffee and biscuits and I brought the tray and in placed it on the table. I then poured the coffee into the cups, telling myself not to spill which I managed to without a drop. I picked up the client’s cup after adding the correct amount of sugars, handed it to him and let go the cup before he had grabbed it. Have you ever seen how much a coffee cup can hold? It went all over his clothes, all over the presentation documents, along the table, and dripped on the other visitors who were sitting on his side of the table. – Needless to say they left almost immediately and I lost the sale. Gosh I wonder why? I need to run seminars entitled. What not to do when trying to secure the account! I am most certainly the best candidate for this position as I have earned flying colours and working on my maters degree.


Let me re- cap,
1. A complete stranger kissed me in during a presentation
2. I landed up with my head on a clients lap under a desk when I slipped off my chair
3. I tore my pants while visiting a client
4. I poured a cup of hot coffee on my client and his colleagues not to mention the mishaps – clearly I am in the wrong line of work
5. I had a wobbly fit and let Bern know just how miserable I was with my job and lot in life, only to be told that the head office was actually holding on the phone to tell to me and I had blurted it all out before Bern had a chance to tell me.

1. I slipped and did the tap dance of a life time while sorting through freight
2. The toilet was disconnected from the wall and was in the middle of the bathroom door
Oh I could carry on and on. But what is the use; I have to accept my lot is life and contend with the daily mishaps that happen at work.

Unlike my Caitlin who decided work is her playground. Last year during the Christmas time she was bored and decided to decorate the office and herself. Her explanation is “The bosses should never have left me alone in the office!
She covered her desk in Christmas tree lights, and herself and her key board and anything and everything she could possibly find to decorate. Father Christmases, post its, oh it was so sparkly. Then she posted in on Face book for the world to see. My Marie biscuit child (remember she put about 6 – 8 in her mouth one day at work while she was bored) who is now My sparkling child. Only Cait knows how to light up a room, and if she is not doing it well enough she will improvise and provide the extra lighting.


I on the other hand need a light for direction. I have no sense of direction and have been known to get lost going home….no exaggeration. One year we had a conference in Johannesburg and I was based in Ladysmith Natal. So we booked into the hotel and we have our own room and I am feeling oh so grown up and privileged. I unpack, leave my room walk down the passage and open the inter leading door and walk into he broom cupboard. Now this would have been no problem if the damn door didn’t have one of those click door hinges that swing closed quickly and I was surrounded by mops and brooms and buckets. I back out of the cupboard as I did not have room to turn and hoped I had not been seen by anyone. Oh well why would I expect my luck to change, I turned around and there grinning at me like a Cheshire cat was one of my work colleges, Alan who was based in the East London branch, he was standing there and I can only describe his reaction as one of a hyena cackling away at my wrong turn.


Well if course everyone was told at breakfast about my visit to the broom closet, and of course comments were made about me coming out of the closet!!


On these conferences there were the inevitable Jacuzzi parties and I absolutely refused to participate with the bosses in what they referred to as the Cuddle Puddle. This type of behaviour does not interest me at all and how was I ever to respect a boss again once I had seen him in his Speedo with his middle aged spread and watch him grope the sales ladies and then proceed to do the drunk walk down the passage on his way to his room or the dining hall. The next day these very same drunken idiots who were trying to stick their tongues down anyone and everyone throats would expect respect and I am sorry, you earn respect not expect respect. The organizer of the conference was not impressed with the participation of these individuals in the sales conference of the days after a huge party and he most certainly had his revenge. The first day is always the day that everyone lets their hair down and so many of them go completely over board and suffer the consequences the next day.


Terry decided if they wanted to act like cave men then he would make them pay. He arranged a team building exercise which required the men to carry the ladies over flowing water, build rafts, and carry them to the top of these small man made hills and then a hike with them on their backs. They were puking and they were moaning and really sorry for themselves and some of the ladies I must admit were not enjoying the midday sun and the run up the hills. I of course being the saint that I am laughed at them and reminded them that they had only themselves to blame. No wonder I was not popular at these things as I refused to drink and make a fool of myself. I do that without the help of booze!
So here is too more mishaps at work and how I handle them and hopefully one day I will find that internal compass and not get lost – but until then I will use my Navigator to get me where I need to be!

Humour even in the face of tragedy

Humour even in the face of tragedy

Well I am not sure everyone would see marriage as tragedy but they didn't have mine!! To be fair it wasn't all bad; in fact most of my first marriage was good so not quite the total tragedy. One of the good memories was our honeymoon trip to Kariba, Vic Falls and Wankie Game lodge, was our first stop, whilst unpacking I found my sweet mother had put in a couple of slabs of chocolate to “Break the Ice” so to speak. Adrian and I sat there, appreciating her efforts and smiling because this was the type of thing my mom used to do for her children. Unfortunately I became quite ill while visiting the Victoria Falls and there was not one chemist or shop open, remember this was in the good old days when ox carts didn't have keys, actually no....I'm not that bloody old...it was in the days when shops were closed on Sundays and it really was a day of rest! But poor Adrian was absolutely beside himself with worry, he phoned his new mother in-law and bawled on the phone, I was so delirious with the infection that I mistook an English wolf hound for a lion which gave him a good giggle and of course he couldn’t wait to tell the family about my “Lion”!! As any sane, non delirious woman, I denied this vehemently and told him he was imagining things.

One of the memories that still makes me smile was the rugby matches and the parties afterwards. Being tea-totaler back then so I used watch the goings on with disdain and felt "oh so superior "as everyone got sloshed. It was inevitable that as the evening wore on the rugby boys would get it into their heads to strip and parade for their wives and girlfriends. Really was this absolutely necessary! They would do their imitation of being shy by hiding their private parts between their legs and form a circle around the roaring fire facing outwards, bottoms facing the heat of the fire. Now Adrian was always the first one to get his kit off, and I sat there with the smile of a woman in pain, now this was done at every party but it wasn't all bad, there were some benefits, as there was this one "hottie" who had a body to die for and we (the ladies) said if they had to get their kit off, at least we had the pleasure of seeing this Greek God! This was in the middle of Winter in Ladymsith Natal and the temperatures get below zero so you can imagine there really wasn't much to hide, so like little school boys they did the swinging of their hips showing off their bodies to us and one guy got a little too excited if you know what I mean when the heat from the fire encouraged certain parts to expand…. And before he could stop the inevitable…. he was saluting us ladies....we applauded......obviously!!! His wife, not too thrilled at his show of manliness, dragged him off by his ear....all very funny indeed!!

During quite a bad time in Zimbabwe (well not much changed there, has it?) when the army was not on their best behaviour and were causing havoc round about 1982, my family and I, were on our way to a relative which was a little way out of Bulawayo. I was in the car with my parents and my brother Dene who was still a tiny baby, possibly 6 months old, asleep on my lap, my sister Val and Sandy, my now sister –in-law were following us with a good friend Mike and his fiancée Judy in the other car. We saw the oncoming vehicle and before we knew it this huge army truck had come onto our side of the road and was playing "chicken" with us, my father reacted and the next thing we were flying through the air, the car was spinning and rolling and we hit an embankment, the car rolled a few times and then it finally stopped. I had still been holding on to Dene in my lap but at the final thump the force ripped him from my hands.

Thank goodness we were not seriously hurt but there was a mad scramble looking for Dene in the car and Dad asking “Are you all alright?". I couldn't find Dene, eventually after what seemed an age in darkness I finally found find him but he wasn't breathing!! In a mad panic I did mouth to mouth and he, thankfully, gasped for air, and began to cry. The terror I felt as he flew from my arms was unimaginable and I now firmly believe baby seats are absolutely essential!! We finally managed to climb out of the car with Dene whimpering, taking Dene from me, my mom checked him over, hugged him, we had a group hug while my Dad was still trying to make sure we were indeed okay being quite dark we couldn't see the extent of the damage. Mike, Sandy, Val and Judy had arrived and all ran to us poor Val was hysterical, she was 10 at the time, she'd seen the whole accident unfold her family disappearing off the road and she'd thought the worst.

We slowly and gingerly walked up the embankment and now with shock setting in the silliest things suddenly seemed important, my Mom turned to me and said “I lost my shoe” and she seemed most perturbed by this, I looked at my finger and said “I broke a nail”.....now really, in the face of everything, was this all I could say? My mind still boggles at this. It was only in the head lights of Mike’s car that we saw that my father had a head injury that just would not stop bleeding; we rushed to find one of Dene's material Nappies which he held to his head as we walked to the car. Mom was holding Dene and I was carrying Val who was quite inconsolable. I have mentioned that my father sported a belly and with his hands up on his head, holding the Cloth nappy he was unable to pull up his shorts which were slipping down his nonexistent waist all he could do was ask Sandy, my very shy and very discreet sister –in- law, to pull up his pants for him.

This made light of the sheer horror of what we were feeling and in the middle of nowhere we stood there and watched in amusement as sweet Sandy was pulling up my dad’s trousers and saying, “Uncle Chris, this is not the type of relationship I anticipated having with my future father in law.!” Once done she was asked to do it again and again; finally she gave up and just held onto his pants all the way the car. As I said in time of tragedy we do still find ourselves able to laugh. At the hospital, my father had many stitches and Dene was checked out thoroughly, we were all given the all clear and sent home!

One thing that became apparent after the accident was that as Dene was growing up he developed a reflex action to hold his breath when he got hurt not a permanent thing but it was still very scary when it happened. He would go blue in the face and sometimes we needed to splash him in the face with cold water to get him to take a breath. One time in my Mother’s lounge and as toddlers do, Dene fell, Mom was busy in the kitchen and I was trying to get him to breathe so I told Val to go get water to splash his face, she was terrified and in her 10 year old mind she decided that the tap was too far away……so she spat in Dene’s face!!! So there I am holding Dene who’s blue in the face and she spat on him!!! I of course looked at her in amazement and said "What the hell are you doing??" she replied with a tremble in her voice "The tap is too far away so if I spit on him the spray will wake him up!!" Well I just burst out laughing and this did the trick. Dene heard the laughter and realized there was no panic and the little bugger took a deep breath!! So a lesson learnt...don't panic be calm, 'don't worry be happy' and laugh!!

From then on we would all laugh out loud and he would know that there was nothing to fear and would breath without our help. We did take him for all the tests imaginable but it was just a reaction to pain and thank goodness he out grew this. Imagine him on the rugby field, fearlessly tackling the biggest bloke in an effort to assert his dominance then falling back in a faint waiting for someone to laugh or spit on him so he could breathe again!!!! He certainly gave us reason for concern in his younger years and poor Val in her effort to help actually gave us the solution and I've always made sure not to faint in Val’s company, the last thing I want is to be spat on!

Val used to call our brother Bain “Bunny” when she was little, very cute and very sweet you will agree, until one of the inter school sports days when she ran up to Bain at a school called Guinea Fowl and called him Bunny. Now Guinea Fowl High was not known for its genteel nature nor was it known for its kind and gentle boys. This was a school that prided itself in honour, strength and courage and with this code there was a lot of bullying by the seniors and Bain knew he was in for a real ragging when the boys learnt his nick name, but he never once complained to my parents about the antics of the seniors, he took it and handled it the best way he knew how.

And this is how he handled it..... Bain, his friend Mike (who they called Dog for reasons I still don’t know) and Kevin decided enough was enough and they formed a gang, it was not long before they were known as the MAFIA. They decided to give the seniors a taste of their own medicine, they would wait until an offender was on his own and then the three of them would clobber him. This obviously meant they would get a beating in return from the seniors to within inches of their lives, needless to say they continued these guerrilla tactics on the lone seniors. It was not long before the seniors erred on the side of reason....pain was not so pleasant and in view of there certainly being more pain they decided to leave the three alone... “Not so nice to being the one being bullied was it?” It didn't end there, Bain and his 'mafia' mates warned the seniors to back off bullying the juniors and trouble, pain free time was had by all. This cemented their reputation for the rest of their time at Guinea Fowl.

Another tragic story is the relationship Mat had with his Grandmother (Adrian’s mom), he was a delightful toddler who took after my side of the family and perhaps this was why she had no tolerance and just couldn't relate to him. He unfortunately picked up on this, very quickly and would challenge her biting the teat off his bottle looking her right in eye and tip the contents out over her newly washed cream white carpets with a grin on his face. It turned into an ongoing battle and at the age of two, obviously fed up, he ran down the passage and kicked his Gran, caught off guard she came tumbling down!! He ran off giggling feeling like he had just slain the dragon!! Their relationship did improve, thank goodness, but I remember the look of sheer joy when he decorated her newly painted walls with his crayons. Maybe this was when his creative side was beginning to emerge but he never did it in our house but he knew she disliked him and he didn't understand. His grandmother still talks about what a monster he was as a baby! Never underestimate children and their ability to pick up on things.

I have mentioned Bern’s mom June on a few occasions and have told you what a Lady she is and how sweet and kind she is (even though she threatens to cut me out of her will from time to time LOL) Last year she was closing the garage door and it got stuck so she went to see what was wrong, before she knew what was happening she was drenched. The rain from the night before had pooled on the door and as the electric motor juddered back into motion it deposited all this water on wonderful Granny June. When she was telling me the story, she said to me “I have a story for your Blog!” So this is not out of menace that I am telling the story, this is Granny June sharing her hilarious moment. She described it in these words.

There I was minding my own business, looking to see why the door would not close and the heavens opened up and I was drenched. I got such a fright and stood there in my pajamas and was unable to move. Whoosh the water cascaded down on me and I was now a drowned Gran! She explained she stood there shivering and laughing at herself and her comment was “I must have looked Stark Raving Mad, with my clothes plastered against my body, my hair dripping, the water running off my nose.” And the dogs thought this was fun and she was scared they would trip her as they had no idea what was going on. She said she spluttered and spat out water and then slowly walked back to her granny flat very gingerly as the clothes were freezing wet and she was not happy to wet her carpets. What a wonderful lady, and now I have used her story in my blog as she asked me too.

I love Bern’s family, they laugh at themselves, the cry to together and they share everything. One of the most loving families I have ever met. No matter what their differences; in times of need – these are all forgotten and they rally together to be there for each other. Like our call for help when we were attacked years ago.

Bern phoned Jossie and said “Joss we need you now we need your help!” that was all she said. Jossie said “Fine, please can I have your full and correct physical address?” Well Bern was in no state to give this and she just said “Get here!” Shame Jossie was fast asleep and in that state she went into full business mode – she knew where we lived and I think her brain was trying to process the cry for help from Bern and I am sure her heart was racing…… “May I have your full and correct physical address please!” was her first response. They arrived within five minutes and were met with a picture from the depths of Hell I am sure. But we still laugh about how Jossie responded and at the hospital while we were waiting to be attended to, we teased her about it. Bern said to her “What were you thinking, I ask for help and you asked for my full and correct physical address!” Laughter…. The best healer known to man.

Now I become emotionally involved in books and movies and even a story I am writing for my children about their dangerous journey around the world. I am a real woosie and I admit it. I am re-typing the story I wrote in 1997 so I can get three copies bound for my children for them to read to their children…. (In the hopes that they will indeed make me a Grandmother – that’s if the world does not end in 2012 as the movie predicted… I am still looking for an ark, anyone have one for sale?)

In one section of the book the children face cannibals and poisonous frogs. As I was writing the part about how Mathew was poisoned, I got goose bumps and tears were on my eye lashes and I had this huge lump in my throat. I was so involved in the story I felt like it was happening. Bern’s mom takes this to another extreme, a while back we were all reading the Left Behind Series and this is about the end of the world, the Final Coming and the people who are left behind to face the 7 years of the Anti-Christ’s ruling of the world. Now Bern’s mom, June was so involved in the story checking out all the scriptures and while she was reading she found herself praying for Nicolai the Anti Christ. This is a story and she was praying for the “Devil”. She complained that she was not getting any of her chores done and had stopped sewing and she could not put the books down. When we asked her why, she responded… ‘They may carry on without me!” So cute and so heartfelt, she was so involved she did not want to miss out on a thing.
Well I am not sure if you have watched the Army Wives series on television. I was devastated when “Amanda” was killed in a bomb explosion and I still mention it from time to time about how she was so wonderful and she should not have died etc etc, a person would swear she was part of my family and I cried – yes I cried when she died. My family was tolerant to start off with but now they just say OH Mom get over it and get a life. When I really want to get them going, I send them a text and say something like. “I am so sad today, and of course they respond with the "why mom, what’s wrong and how can we help you?", and I smile and send a text back. “I am devastated – Amanda is still dead!” To which I receive vile responses, like f f sakes mom, get over it now! I love this freedom they have and this comfortable way they have with me and they are just so understanding and supportive. LOL I love them dearly

Oh dear, I suppose I have to accept that Amanda is indeed dead, and now George from Greys… how am I ever going to cope! This is a tragedy!!!! Only kidding, but I do love to tease my kids and I do so enjoy their reactions to my silliness.

Alcohol the price we pay!

Alcohol and the price we pay!

I am not talking about the actual money value; I am talking about the emotional price we pay and the embarrassment price.

Bern had a friend who was a little risque' to say the least. Well she called her out at 2.00am one morning for assistance. This is how the phone call went.

“Bern a truck called Casper took my Car! And I need you to come and fetch me!”

Bern could hear she was totally inebriated and asked for an address or directions. She explained she was in Alberton on some road on an island. Now you try and work this out, Alberton is a suburb of Johannesburg and there is no islands in the stream or otherwise. So she asked this inebriated friend to find a street name and a land mark and she could come through to help her.

Well it took some explaining and some coaching from Bern to get the directions but eventually she worked out where Janet was. So off she and her friend went to rescue the damsel in distress. They arrived in Alberton and found Janet on an Island indeed. One of those islands in the street which are used to separate the roads and to slow the traffic down. It turns out that the Casper truck was a Tow truck called Casper the towing company. Janet had decided to ramp the island on her way home from a party and she was in no state to even be driving and she was clueless to how she got there. Now I do not find this at all amusing. In fact I think many of us believe the death penalty should be instilled for this type of reckless behaviour. She was just very lucky that the police were not called and she was not asked to breathe into the little machine, she would have had more serious problems than Casper the friendly Tow Truck.

Well Bern gave the tow truck instructions, found out where he was taking the now totally destroyed vehicle as she had done serious damage to the under carriage and it was not drivable. Bern dragged the drunk Janet into the vehicle, putting her in the front of the vehicle so she could strap her in and off they went to her home.

They arrived at the gate and Bern asked Janet for her keys to open the electric gates. Janet turned to her; lips puckered and leaned into Bern. Bern looked at this picture of horror. Facial muscles gone, those lips puckered – looking like a duck’s ass and she looked at Janet and said “Keys!” To which Janet puckered her lips even harder and lent into to Bern. That is when it dawned on Bern; Janet had thought she had said KISS! As if, I have yet to find anyone one who is in the slightest bit attractive when they are so drunk they cannot even stand up. “Keys- Keys- Keys, Janet for f sakes, your damn house she shouted at her. Janet could not comprehend and after searching her hand bag, they found the keys and opened the gate. Bern banged on the front door, woke the family up and poured Janet into her mother’s arms and bade them goodbye.

The sad thing is she claims ...of course that she remembers nothing of this event. But she was in for serious bills from the panel beaters and good, she is lucky it was not jail for killing someone. So now when Bern asks for the house keys or the car keys…… well I pucker up my lips and pull a face and she knows exactly what I am reminding her of.!

Now alcohol can also make us laugh when we partake of it and monitor the intake. We were at the Boma restaurant a few years back. This is one of those eat as much as you want type deals. Now Mathew can make a meal of this and he and Cait decided to see how much they could actually consume that night. Matt managed 11 plates; okay they weren’t big plates, a little bigger than a side plate, but still 11 plates. He decided he was going to try every delicacy which was available, from the sea food, the sweet and sour ribs etc and then desert. Cait gave up after 4 or 5.

Well we all love Chocolate mousse and after a, lovely meal with so many different flavours and textures we settled on Good Old chocolate mousse as our choice of desert. We sat there for hours and during dinner we were enjoying the most exquisite bottle of red wine, sipping it slowly and savoring the smooth taste and soft velvety texture of this incredible red wine. As one does, when one is in a conversation, one takes a bite of one’s food and follows up with a sip of one’s drink.

Well Bern did exactly that and the next minute she was this drooling; salivating; red wine spilling out of her mouth, followed by dark chocolate mousse. She had not even given it a thought when she had taken a sip of the red wine, and no matter how hard she tried she just could not close her mouth and swallow the disgusting tasting concoction. She sat there as it dribbled out her mouth down the sides of her mouth onto the table. I looked at her in sheer horror and my kids collapsed. I mean literally collapsed with the site of this person who insists on good manners no matter what. Sarah grabbed a serviette and held it under her mouth and I just looked on in horror as Bern's face changed into many expressions, but it was too late. The deed was done and if only I had had a camera. So the moral of the story is…do not drink red wine with chocolate mousse. These two are just not compatible. Caitlin still teases Bern about this when we have red wine and its desert time. “Would you like some mousse to go with your red wine Bern?” and then she burst out laughing and tells the story over and over again.

Now I have mentioned my lack of a singing voice, in fact Cats join in and wail in pain with me when I sing dogs howl and I am sure the earth gravitational pull is altered. However this does not stop me from jamming along with the best of them and many years ago, the song Red Red Wine was very popular. I was singing it and thought I was doing a great job, when my brother Dene who was two at the time, put his hand on my mouth and told me I was hurting his ears. Nice one! I felt so shattered and to this day will not sing in his company, a two year old could already tell the difference between a nice singing voice and one that sounded like an animal in pain.

Which brings me to Karaoke, this is torture for me, at a conference years back, one the things they provided for their staff in the evening was Bloody Karaoke, and the rule was everyone had to participate. Now I am not a person who likes the lime light, I most definitely never auditioned for a place in a concert or a choir and most definitely would never ever agree to sing in front of my directors and work colleagues not matter what was threatened. So I stood on the stupid stage with my fellow colleagues and did the backup movements and “shoop; shoop” and wanted to die a 100 deaths. Never never again. But there are people who truly believe they can sing, and after a few too many drinks they get up on the stage and they open their mouths and sing their rendition of “Man I feel like a woman” or “Lay me down on a Bed of Roses” or their favourite “New York New York” a song that only the Great Frank Sinatra should ever be allowed to sing!

They stand up there and sing their hearts out belting out the words and I sit in the background cringing at the sight of them and watching the crowds who are jeering and cheering them on and I feel this heat rush over me as I on the one hand feel huge embarrassment for them and on the other hand admire their courage to stand up there and sing to the crowd and not give a damn. They receive amazing applause when they finish their song and I think this is because the crowds are only too happy that the song is in fact finished and the performer mistake this for an encore? Oh well we then sit through another song and another song, when eventually the crowd just join into drown out the cat screaming noises coming out of the singer’s mouth.

However there is always one person who believes they are the undiscovered New Idol and they want to sing all the time. They believe their rendition of “Midnight!” makes Juice Newton pale in comparison. Note to this singer, Get a life, girl and don’t give up your day job! My “friend” (not so much anymore) received this sms after one of this girls many attempts to sing this song. “I sang your song tonight “Midnight” and the crowd went wild!” Well we laughed until it hurt, because we knew the crowd went wild in excruciating pain running for the doors. Some people just don’t get it. !” Unlike me, I get it and I only sing if the music is loud enough to drown out my screeching attempts to sing along. A few weeks back we bumped into her when we went to Bingo (Yes people it’s not just for the aged, Caitlin enjoys it too!) and she walked over to Bern who has a very well tuned ear for music and invited her to delay our return to Durban to come and watch her sing in a Karaoke competition. Bern gave her the “Get away from me Freak Look” and was not very polite when she said, “Ummmm NO, hell NO!” Bern the poster girl for tact!

Then you have the talented people like Bern who have to be persuaded and begged to sing at these events and when she has finally had enough encouragement and one or two drinks for Dutch courage, she may be persuaded to sing the Rose. I can assure you there were more goose bumps in the audience when she sings than if they were in a blizzard on the Antarctica. She truly has the voice of an Angel, and she should give up her day job and pursue this further.

Some of us however do not need the fruit of the gods to behave like idiots and I am sure you agree after reading my blog, I fit into that category with flying colours. Last night, while enjoying a cigarette (no comments from the peanut gallery!) I dropped the smoke and in my haste not to burn a hole in the couch, I lifted my butt to try and find it and proceed to burn a blister on my derriere. So I am sitting here very gingerly on my seat, but I did rescue the couch. I was jumping around like a jitter bug and Jinx thought I was playing so it was not easy to rescue the cigarette while fending off Jinx’s attempts to get in on the game. And to put everyone mind at ease, Jinx survived the ordeal but my sweet rounded butt is now sporting a mark that can only be described as a real Cherry! Jinx my angel dog who really has enhanced my life is now teaching her sweet well mannered son, that butts are a toy to be bitten at every opportunity. Bern says she has good taste!! Oh dear Bern, there is medication for your condition I am sure. I on the other hand have no cure of this I am sure. Like a joke I heard, “Extreme make over’s and plastic surgery is one thing – but you can’t do nothing for Stupid!”

The other day I phoned Bern when she was at the office to ask her a question about the Mazoe orange juice we had bought. “Bern tell me the Mazoe Orange ? -juice where is the diluted stuff? “
She explained that it was in the lounge and my response was “So it’s not the one on top of the fridge?” Her response was – giggle, then raucous laughter while she asked me why I was asking. But she knew damn well why I was asking. I had just downed out of the bottle I might add – (not very lady like I know and something I shout at my kids for…) downed a few gulps of this Mazoe orange and it took me a few seconds to register that this was extremely sweet and I was gagging on the sweetness. Hence my comment about “You can’t do anything for stupid…. I think that the fact that the orange was still in the original Mazoe bottle should have been a dead giveaway – but hey I have an excuse…… Blame it on my Mother.

This reminds me of a time my mom and I were sitting in the lounge in Bulawayo and she asked me to go and get her panados, so I dutifully went off to get her the Panados and was talking the hind end off a donkey as I walked to the kitchen to get her some water to take the head ache pills with and when I returned I gave her the glass of water. She looked up at me confused and asked why on earth I was giving her water. I looked down at her and asked her if she was senile as she had just asked for headache tables and the water was for the headache tables. To which she promptly stuck out her tongue and gagged and choked and went ahgggggg, and grabbed the water and gulped it down in haste.

She had asked for Rennies for heart burn(she was insistent on this point just as much as I was insistent she had asked for Panados) as she was pregnant with Dene at the time and I had heard Panados and without thinking, as were we in a deep conversation, my sweet mom popped one in her mouth and was sucking it like you are meant to with Rennies. She was totally oblivious to the bitter taste in her mouth until I brought it to her attention that she had Panado in her mouth. This of course was extremely funny to me and I teased her about it for ages to come. But the one thing that makes me realize that I could only have gotten my silliness’ from my mother was the time she ran out of the bathroom shrieking with laughter and making the strangest noises as she rushed to her bedroom looking for baby powder.

She had just finished bathing and reached for her deodorant and spayed it under her arms, the next minute she felt this stinging then the smell hit her nose and she realized she had grabbed the can of Doom insect repellent instead of her deodorant and she screamed, jumped back into the bath and washed off the offending insect repellent. DID SHE KEEP THIS TO HER SELF, DID SHE DECIDE SHE NEEDS TO KEEP HER HUMILIATION PRIVATE. No my mom does exactly what I do; she rushed out to tell me. And I of course told the whole world. My mom the joker and clown and absent minded Gran. She really knew what life was about and enjoyed every minute of it. I used to ask her if she managed to get rid of the cob webs when she did the body spray with the “Doom” to which she responded, no Shell that needs a feather duster!

My Sarah and Cait are also more inclined to make a fool of themselves without the help of alcohol, and they do this with such magnificent magnitude and I adore them for it. When the five of us get together a person would swear we are totally inebriated if they were to be a fly on the wall. I was working in Lotus Park and Cait was my assistant and the girls who shared the office space with us had just bought Marie biscuits for us. Cait had her back turned to me for a few seconds and the next thing she looked at us with 8 Marie biscuits in her mouth. I see she had also got the Touch of my mom in her blood! Then she insisted I take a photo! Go figure – which I of course did. I must say I am not much better remember the story of the lost Easter eggs that I stuffed into my mouth years ago.

One time, Cait had a mouth full of cool drink and I have no idea what possessed me, but her cheeks were bulging and I could not help myself. I poked her cheek and she spat it all out into Sarah and all over Bern’s shoe.. Really I have no idea what go into me but it was funny as hell. Bern was surprised at my behaviour and she could not get overt the fact that Cait had spat at her. But she is no better, while we were still living in the house in Waterfall, Cait was giving Bern “Lip” and Bern took a sip of her water and had every intention of squirting the water at Cait through her teeth (a party trick of Hers) when her lips seemed to collapse and she squirted the water up her nose and all over her face. Poetic justice!

And we of course found this very amusing and said “Do it again; Do it again” Bern was spluttering as the water had shot right up her nose and her eyes were watering and she was laughing along with us, then she turned with her baby like expression and said “NO – stop laughing at me!” Oh please how were we supposed to do that with the water still dripped down her face and her nose was running and the tears were streaming down her face with laughter. Be real, how can we not laugh at the spectacle.

Sarah is not much better, when we were living in Johannesburg I told her she was Precocious, she was highly offended, stormed up to me and with her hands on her hips she announced with extreme feeling “MOM I am not a slut!” Well I tried to get the words out of my mouth in some sort of semblance of the English language, but the intermittent spurts of laughter like a babbling brook made me almost incoherent. I managed to stutter out “I said Precocious not promiscuous! She walked off all in a huff, only to return and say “Well what does that mean?

I said “look up Sarah-Jane in the dictionary and it will say Precocious.” And refused to say any more, well in truth I could not say anymore as I was still in the throes of a giggle. I told her to look it up in the dictionary as I was in no condition to try and explain precocious as I would never ever and I mean ever call my daughter a slut!
Dene explained, well basically it means you are a Brat who wants her own way all the time and is a hand full but is delightful and playful.

It is really good to know that the Gene my mom passed down to me has been passed down to my girls and my wish is that this continues for generations to come, because make people smile and we have the ability to laugh at ourselves too. Not everyone needs alcohol to relax and enjoy life, and I must say I enjoy the fact that I am fully aware of my surroundings and yes I take full responsibility for my actions and do not have the privilege of using alcohol as an excuse.

“How many times have you heard “I cannot remember, I was too drunk so I cannot be held responsible for my actions? “What a load of cods-wallop” of course they remember, they just want an excuse. My father used to say (and he should know) alcohol only enhances the personality so if you are an ass while sober, you are a bigger ass drunk!” Too true, see I am intelligent when sober, but I am a genius when I drink! I am a genius with the help of the fruit of the Gods and Einstein couldn’t hold a candle to me. LOL.

Facing the Future - and look back at the past!

Facing the Future – and looking back at the past.

My friend Rose and I are discussing the end of the earth, and needless to say this is the most depressing thought, and to add insult to injury the music on my computer is the type of music that will induce me to tears and I may just start chewing my wrists soon. Add to this I watched the Movie 2012……….. I have decided I am moving to the Drakensberg and will find the biggest “ARK” I can, so if you want to join me, let’s do this then. I have to admit the movie most certainly gave pause for thought.

So if any of this is true and I am not saying it is true, or not true, I ask myself what is the point in going to work, or even getting out of bed. I will tell you what the point is, we are not in control of our future even though we think we are, but we have our past to look back on and remember those crazy stunts we pulled off as schools kids which by rights should have gotten us killed. Or those times when your own children put your very life in danger. And I realize that worrying about the future is actually not going to solve anything. So I choose to live my life to its best and when I have the blue days like we all do, I dig deep into my recess of my memories and sit here and smile the smile of the stupid and pretend that the grim reaper is not actually knocking on our doors. So to lighten the mood, I will share a few childhood memories and a few experiences with my children and lastly what is important to me right now.

“OH yes, if my girls are reading this and we do indeed only have a few years left on this earth – I want to be a grandmother before that happens. LOL………only joking my girls, hint hint!! No pressure……..

When we are children we have the desire to try anything, to climb that high tree, to jump over that bale or obstacle with the absolute belief that we are invincible and that the tooth fairy is real and that Santa does indeed see if we are naughty or nice. Since then I have developed a fear of heights, speed and oh just about everything!!!

It is only as we fall and scrape our knees or break our bones that we being to appreciate that we are not invincible but we still face life with a sense of courage and believe totally and unequivocally that we will become famous, rich and be the most revered people in the world. This belief stays with us until we ourselves stop believing and accept that life is not a wonderful play ground, but we still allow ourselves to dream and we still accept challenges and we still fight the dragons every day. These dragons just have new names, rent, electricity bills, rabid land ladies, deceitful friends and ex-husbands. But my love of life has not diminished, my belief that good will win in the end and my belief in people on a whole is still very much intact regardless of how many times I am shown that the people of the world need to be a little more tolerant and loving towards their neighbours.

Have you ever watched children at play, if they don’t like the game, the simply change the rules, or they walk away from the game. Their imaginations know no bounds and they never, never give up.

Have you ever tried to say no to a three year old that is determined to have their own way not matter how much you try distract them or bribe them? There is no shaking their train of thought, and if by some miracle you are able to distract them, do not for a minute think this has anything to do with your powers of persuasion or bribery. They may simply have lost interest or something else has caught their attention; but you can be sure they will remember and they will go back to the very conversation and battle you were losing when they feel like it.

I am sure I contributed to my parents grey hairs and loss of sleep as my brother Bain and I knew no fear and “Be careful, you are going to get hurt!” which we heard on a regular basis was interpreted to us “We don’t want you to have fun, we are in fact mean parents and will stop you experiencing the joy and the laughter” and we went ahead and did what we wanted in any case. Pretty much like our kids did to us as parents. Oh how the wheel doth turn and we are really punished for our childhoods.

Bain and I would on a regular basis take our pellet guns and venture into the bushes without a fear in the world and we thought we were invincible. On our farm there was an old club house which had been abandoned years before, it had the most amazing pool, the size of a school swimming pool and even though it was filled with frogs and frogs eggs we loved swimming in the pool. Just the thought of this gives me the absolute horrors and the thought of the bacteria. I just shudder. This however had no effect on us as children, we dove right in, between the green goo and frogs eggs and came up for breathe with this lovely necklace of eggs on our faces and draped around our bodies. Totally disgusting; but we did not see it as that.

We were treasure hunters diving into the deep caves of the Amazon jungles and we defeated pirates and fought off sea monsters and loved every minute of it. The water beetles were fairies and the snakes were fire breathing dragons. We always had our dogs with us who joined us in the pool and we splashed and swam and collected frog’s eggs to watch them morph into tadpoles and then frogs only set the frogs free in the pool later.

We climbed trees and even though I was terrified of snakes, I was not going to miss out on the fun, I was not going to be called a sissy, so I climbed the trees and imagined that the moving branches were green mambas and many time jumped down and ran off through the long grass convinced that the snakes were chasing me when the moving branch was indeed a snake. Being up in the trees and looking at our world on the farm, we felt we were invincible and could fly if we just believed hard enough. We were Tarzan and we were magic beings who were all powerful – then we would hear the whistle and our hearts would beat faster…. Our parents were home and it was bath time and dinner time.

I remember one Christmas; we had this most amazing Christmas tree. It was a thorn tree that my brother and my father had cut down and brought into the house. It was sprayed silver and we added our decorations, shiny tin foil shapes, cotton wool, pop corn threaded on thread and streamers. My dad played his guitar and we sang along and lit candles and Bain and I shared our secrets and listen to our parents sing Christmas carols to us. I still to this day have never re-captured that feeling of having the most magnificent Christmas and Christmas tree as I did when I was 8 years old. It was only later in life that I realized the thorn tree was all my family could afford and the paint books and paint brushes we were given was all that the budget allowed. But I still think back on this Christmas and realize that of all the Christmases we had as children when the finances improved, we were never as close as that particular Christmas, where the true feeling of Christmas came though.

Family and loved ones. I am also eternally grateful for the paints and the book as I developed a love for painting because of this gift and it is still something I love to do when the creative BIG hits me. (PS, if anyone has seen this bug, please send it back to me as I am seriously in need of getting my hands dirty and need to paint again!)

When I was 12 years old my dad introduced me to a scrambler motor bike, and I had the freedom of the farm, I kick started the scrambler and off I went, through the tobacco fields and cotton fields, the mealy fields were my best as I tore paths through them. The freedom and the speed, well I thought I was going quite fast, but in fact I was most probably not going that fast, but it felt amazing. My favourite time of the day at that age was when I returned home from school after riding in the back of our green van that was bringing the newly baked bread for the corner shop at Gadzeema (The smell of fresh bread still conjures up these memories) and got on the scrambler and just rode off in whatever direction I felt like. You would not be able to get me on a bike now that’s for sure and the love of the bike left me when I realized how dangerous a bike can actually be, but at 12, I was not scared of anything (well maybe of upsetting my parents if they ever found out what we got up to.)

The joy of the innocent and the love of life as a child is something we all need to feel from time to time. Like when you are shopping with your girls and you start to dance along to a song in a supermarket or clothing store and you know you look like an absolute idiot but you jam along and sign along embarrassing our children and not caring who is watching, but these are remnants of our inner child and we need to encourage them to come out and play every now and then. Life is too damn serious as it is and if you really feel sad, go look for a group of young children playing and get down into the sand pit with them or grab some of the play doe and get your hands dirty. Your spirits will be lifted in a few seconds. Or read them a story, have you ever watched their faces as you describe the adventure you are reading or the giggles as you change your voice to suit the story.


My children were still young, Caitlin was not even at school and we had the evening bed time story ritual. They loved their stories about animals and the adventures they got up to and one evening I was reading to them about the antics of a the animals in the jungle, as I was reading to them about a hippo who had the hiccups, by sheer chance, I developed hiccups and no matter how hard I tired to stop them, they carried on during the story of the hiccuping Hippo. The children giggled and rolled off the bed in the sheer joy of the story and the magic power the hippo must have had to give me hiccups.

We all lay on the floor and laughed at the sound of my hiccups as I tried to finishing the story and when it was time to stop, I loved their voices saying “Oh please mommy just one more story please But this time make one up for us, one where we are in your story.” These stories were their best as they were animals, or kings and queens or pirates or whatever they wanted to be on that particular night. Memories of love and laughter and joy - No matter what has happened since then or what is still to come, we have those memories and we all cherish them and think back to the times when we were scared of almost nothing and believed and every now and then our parents took the time and joined in and were our play mates; rolling on the grass with us, playing tickle games, climbing trees with us, throwing up only to catch us. They were our horses and carried us on their backs or lifted us up onto their shoulders so we could see over the crowds.

My children took this one step further, they decided I needed roller blades so I could roller blade with them at Horwood’s farm in Edenvale, and my shrieks must have awoken the dead as they wheeled me around and made sure not to let me fall. They had no problems racing down hills and speeding up just to see the sheer terror and excitement on my face and they screamed as loud as I did with laughter and delight. I think I laughed more than I roller bladed and the children teased me about my lack of skill and inability to skate on my own, but they thoroughly enjoyed the time with their mum who was behaving like a teenager.

There was one time when I was sure Caitlin tempted fate as she decided to climb up onto the roof our house as she had done many times, but this time she decided she could not get down. I arrived home from work, in my short work skirt, stockings work shoes and when I arrived she was on the roof absolutely refusing to get down. Mathew was trying to coax her down and Sarah was being his back up support, but Caitlin was frozen stiff. I jumped out the car with the speed of a cheetah, ran to the back door. Climbed up on the wall and scrambled up on to the roof like one of those lizards from the X -Men, completely forgetting my fear of heights or the fact that my work attire was not suitable for rock climbing. My skirt was by now above the pantie line and I had my rear on exhibition for the whole world to see, but i did not care, my child was in danger and if this required me leaping through flames, i would not have hesitated. It was only once I had rescued her and passed her down to Sarah was I suddenly over come with vertigo and I cannot describe that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel you are seconds from death.

I clung onto the roof, and very slowly crawled backwards, ripping my Lycra stocking and the curses that were coming out of my mouth are not to be repeated. From being Super Mom, I was suddenly the horrid troll threatening death to the children if they ever climbed up on the roof again. I swear the decent took me hours but Mathew was encouraging me with his, “Go Mum! You can do it and Caitlin had run inside to go and watch her favourite TV programme not one thinking about the near death experience she was subjecting me too. Ok, ok it was not very high off the ground, but still, climbing onto the ladder gives me the heebby jeebies and I feel quite ill as I climb up onto the last ruing of the ladder. Climbing on my kitchen counter to look into the top of a cupboard is enough to make me feel light headed and ready to pass out!


My wish is that they share these memories with their children and experience the pleasure and overwhelming love of having their own children and see their children experience new things and as they learn, they teach us so much in return. Love, humility, faith and the joy of being a child again.

Ok, now I am going to find a jungle gym or a roundabout and I am going to sit there and just be a kid again, let’s hope they have a swing big enough or a slide big enough to hold this BUTT!. I know the inner child is still in me and I also know that we decide to be happy or not, we can let life get us down or we can take the time to listen to the birds and watch the sunset or go and sit on the beach and just feel the exhilaration of being alive.

Gifts and Surprises

Gifts and surprises

Jinx and Kitty have this new game, it’s called let’s make our mommy’s stomach turn every morning.

The latest game is let’s hunt for lizards together, and when we have totally mutilated this poor lizard lets give it to our mommy as a gift. I mean who knows she may like to partake in this meal. They every so kindly leave the present for me at the side of my bed and on more than one occasion I had the joy of waking up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out and step on this awful gooey mess. Not my idea of fund and as I am quite fond of Lizards I admonish them, but it is not long before they off hunting again. Seems as if Lizards play quite a big role in our life... remember my blog about the Willy Eating Lizard, well now its my turn! Oh please why can't it be visiting fairy's carrying pots of love and peace!
???


Last Night Jinx gave us the fright of our lives. She came into the lounge and there was this foam coming out of her mouth and I was convinced she had been poisoned, the drool and foam was pouring out her mouth and I have to say it looked horrendous and she wiped her drool on me. So needless to say the stomach did do a bit of a turn and I managed to control it. The sight of this foam coming out her mouth and her tail wagging at the same time and the drool pouring out needless to say she was still jumping around and playing so I was not sure if she was in pain, or had gone insane – not that I would recognize it with the way she behaves. The drool notwithstanding, I was far too concerned about Jinx so worry about the slime on my trousers as we have lost dogs to poisoning before.

Well thank goodness it was not poison, no our little Jinx hunts frogs too. And as we all know they have this slimy protection on their skins and Jinx reacted to the slime. Now I would have thought she would have learnt her lesson, now why would I think that? She most certainly has not given me any indication that has learnt anything other than how to terrorize me; it turns out this is not the first time jinx has chased frogs- but this is the first time that I know of that she had this reaction. This morning she was at the pool – yes you guessed it, chasing frogs again. I just shake my head at her as she prances around the pool with an expression of glee on her face.

Beast is turning out to be just as playful as his mother, but he has not learnt the art of jumping up on me to greet me as Jinx and little boy do. When I arrive home and open the gate, he watches them and tries to mimic them, but all he does is jump up and down on one spot, like a pogo toy. He is really cute and very very naughty… but I adore him. I think God decided my children weren’t enough of a handful so he blessed me with animals that need extra attention.

Our Cat Pussy-Cat (I mentioned him before) also used to love leaving us gifts. He used to leave them on my pillow for me and this was disgusting. I would find half eaten dead birds on my pillow or half eaten mice, and even a half hamster. Now I have been told this is a sign of respect in the animal kingdom as they recognize that I am the leader of the pack, but please, I could think of so many other way they could show respect- for example, not attack me while I am walking down the passage, not bite my toes that happened to wiggle while I sleep, or just maybe clean out their own litter box! Puss-cat has surprised us many a time, remember the time he out his toy mouse in Sarah’s school bag for her, well he caught me very nicely too.


It was winter time and I was putting on my boots. I put my size 4 foot into my boot and got the fright of my life. Puss had deposited a mouse in there for me, a bloody mess and I screamed so loud I am sure I woke the neighbours up. Puss-cat was not impressed with me as he obviously had hidden it there for safe keeping and grabbed this mangled mess from my hand and ran off with it. I knew he was annoyed with me because all I was given of his catch that night was this poor mouse’s head on my pillow.

Little boy had another way of showing his affection to Bern a couple years back. He was either annoyed with her or was claiming his place on the bed. He used to lift his leg on her pillow the minute he came into the house. Hence the relationship between him and Bern, they do not like each other. Bern says this was his way of marking his territory over me, well he took it one step further didn’t he when he peed on me. Strange and getting even stranger. I think I need to change my perfume or maybe give up on animals altogether, but oh how boring and peaceful my life would be! Let me give this some thought and I will come back to you on my decision. “Animals, endless love – endless chaos – vs- no animals, peace, boredom, no chewed property and…. I better stop right there as I think I am on the brink of finding homes for all of them. No not really I adore them and they adore me.

Mother’s day! This is a day we mother treasure and the memories keep us going for years. However there is often a price to pay for mother’s day. Caitlin was 6 years old and we were visiting our friend Mitzi for the night. The next day she and Mitzi’s little girl also a Michelle woke us up with breakfast I bed. Now as all mothers know you do not get out of bed on mother’s day until you have been served breakfast in bed. We heard these two six year olds and heard the giggles and knew that there would be a wonderful mess to clean up but this is their one day of the year they want to show appreciation and I was not going to burst their happy bubble.

They walked into the room, all smiles and giggles and served us our breakfast. Yum Yum, we said and looked d down at our plates. Fried eggs floating in a river or oil, hard enough to bounce off the walls, brown toast and my absolute favourite (NOT) fried onions in syrup, we smiled told them this looked absolutely delicious and asked for a cup of coffee please and told them they need to come and join us while we ate this feast of feasts.

Yes well……… with very long teeth I bit into the toast and egg. Rubber must taste like this, then they insisted we try the onions, I cannot even begin to explain the effort it took to even out the fork of onion with syrup in my mouth. My hand was shaking, my eyes must have showed glee at the thought because they were so excited and I took a bite. Well I swallowed it whole and they obviously thought we loved it because they rant to the kitchen and brought the rest of the onion from the frying pan with the syrup already poured in and dollopped the stuff onto my and Mitzi’s plate.

We looked at them and smiled a crooked smile and said “Oh Goody! More- Yum Yum” Cait and Michelle sat there and giggled with pleasure and smiled and asked us if we liked our breakfast and the two little buggers sat there throughout the whole ordeal and watched us eat this mother’s day breakfast. Well what could we do? We ate the breakfast, gulping a tout cups of coffee to help the egg, toast and syrup onion go down and not even the dog could be persuaded to help us eat the onions. Oh the joys of mothers day. Yes it tasted terrible, but oh the effort and love was so appreciated and we hugged them and told them they were very clever and how much we loved them and how wonderfully clever they were for not getting burnt and told them to get ready as we were going to visit friends for the day.

Mitzi and I looked at each other after their left the room, our faces green with the sugary sweetness of our breakfast and burs tout laughing. This is one of my fondest memories of mother’s day and one I know my Cait will tell her children too. My children have always made such a big deal of mothers day, special breakfast, presents they have made for me and dances they have made up for me, these memories cannot be bought and I wouldn’t trade them for all the money in the world. Mother’s Day, the best day of the year.

What also makes the heart melt is that wild flower your son brings you that he picked just for you and tells he loves you and thinks you are the best mommy in the world and one day his wife will be just as wonderful, but he will never love her was much as he loves his mom. So cute, so innocent and with so much love! . Or that special homemade card just because they wanted to show how special you are or how important you are to them. The drawing they bring home from school of their family where you know they see you as their centre of their life. They draw you with a big head, big eyes and sometimes a big smile, big hair and small body. I have kept some of these for their children to see.

The best gift ever is God’s Gift to me, my children and for this I will be forever grateful. I have attended their school functions and cheered them on, when Sarah was given her prefects badge, I sat in the audience and cried, howled is a better description. When Cait ran in her inter school races, I ran along the side lines cheering her on, when Mathew performed in his first concert and blew fire out his mouth a bawled with pride once again. Yes I am a wimp with my kids and cry with joy and embarrass them no end with my emotions, the cup runneth over when it comes to how much joy they have given me and I know I will be no better with their children.

For my birthday to years ago, Bern and my girls decided to give me a very special birthday. They decorated the double lock up garage, with linen and beautiful gauze which they tacked to the roof to give the impression of a bohemian tent. The table was decorated with candles and glitter and flowers and it was an evening of elegance and soft music and was so incredibly beautiful. We had a three course meal and were served by my girls and it was just perfect. One of my gifts was a bunch of sunflowers from Dom and that is the picture I use for my blog. I was spoilt rotten and my family really outdid themselves. I am not keen on being in the lime light but this was one of those occasions when I basked in it.

Not like my 40th! Well not one told me that they had arranged a surprise party at Ann’s house (Bern’s sister) so we took Jessie with us or little black foxy and I was dressed in my normal weekend apparel, Sarah was not with us which I was a little upset about as she said she had made plans to go to her boyfriends church. Oh well I said, I can’t stop her going to church! Jessie sat on my lap and got me so dirty and as I said I was wearing my normal weekend apparel. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I looked a sight. As I walked into the entertainment area I was greeted with Surprise! Well it most certainly was, my friend Trevor and his kids, my aunt and Bern’s Family and my girls and son. Needless to say I was overjoyed but felt quite ridiculous on my grubby clothes and I have to say really bad hair day. I was wearing pedal pushers and a t-shirt and when I look at the photographs I still shudder. Next time warn me people, don’t give the secret away, but say something like… are you really going to wear that today?

We decided to throw Anne a surprise 50th birthday party and she was not even aware of our plans as we had all booked dinner at a restaurant for her so she was absolutely clueless. In order to get her to get her to the house where the benefit was being held, we told her we were having a bingo evening to explain all the cars.

Annie arrived in her “Paint” clothes with her coins all ready for the bingo evening and when she was meant by Jossie who was all dressed up for the evening she still thought nothing of it. She commented to Jossie, “shew there are a lot of people here for Bingo and I am going to make lots of money!”

When she walked in she was till totally in the dark, she saw her friends she hadn’t seen in years but still no penny dropped it was only when she saw her son Franz that it dawned on her and, or I think the surprise shout from us must have been a dead giveaway! So poor Anne also has pictures of her surprise birthday where she looks like she was going to paint her house and we all were suitably dressed. Surprise birthday parties are fun, yes, but no to much for the victim who would rather look ravishing on her day than like something the cat dragged in. (a mangled mouse maybe!)