We have even had the end of the month where we go through serious with drawl systems for the lack of smokes. Yes I know this would be the ideal opportunity to give up I hear you say. Another subject for another day people….. I know it is politically incorrect to smoke and my health suffers. If I was a strong willed person this would not be an issue and I admit it… I stand up and wear the badge… I am not strong enough to fight the need to smoke. So enough ranting and panting at my weakness.
Let’s be realistic I have a busy and complicated life and things just seem to happen and I cope with them the best way I know how. I fumble through them and stumble along the way. There is many a day when I wonder how I get through these situations, ponder the bigger picture of life, do the self-analyzing, and am still ignorant at the end of the thought process.
There is one thing though that I seem to be good at, other than amusing the Gods. I make people smile and maybe give them a bit of a giggle.
My friend phoned me earlier and said to me that she nearly had to rush her husband to the emergency ward as he was doubled over in laughter at the situations I get myself into. He was reading my encounter at the Jail and he was unable to explain why he was having a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Eventually he managed to say in between gasps of air. "Michelle!!!" she is going to be the death of me.
Well I suppose there are worst ways of dying. I would like to die with a smile on my face too.
Today is a day of increased nerves. Nothing serious just a client visit to our office which is run out of our home here in Durban. Now this could be a very nice account to have and will make breaking into the market and establishing ourselves easier. My boss telephoned to advise me that the client in question will be here today and wants an appointment. My heart dropped. Now I have been known to over react; to panic. You may find this hard to believe but this all together in control person (ha ha) has moments of panic and sheer ridiculous reactions to situations. I decided last night this was not going to be one of those times. I had a good talking to myself and said “relax, this is not an End of the World situation” this is just a simple business call in your home……. With three dogs, 5 cats and that is when I went into over drive.
So much for the power of positive affirmation. Well there was some positive thrown in my thought process. For example.
I am positive this is going to be a disaster
I am positive Jinx is going to embarrass me; no doubt, she will show the visitor that her chew toy is my Butt
I am positive that Little Boy will shriek like a girl and jump up and down like a jolly jumper.
I am positive Fiona will greet him at the gate with a menacing bark and growl and puff up like a powder puff as only she can do
I am positive that the kitten will greet him with their kitten like gusto.
I am positive that Bern and I will handle this, calm them down, and offer the visitor a bandage for the inevitable scratches and a hair remover roll for the hair he is bound to be covered in by the time he leaves. I am positive the first thing he will do is look for the nearest pub for a nerve repair and then he will find a church to find peace and serenity and say a prayer for us.
In the past whenever there were expected visitors I would go into over drive. I would start seeing the house with critical eyes and begin my plan of total renovation and reconstruction and destruction in some cases and then I would enlist the help of the family. Maybe enlist is the wrong word. They would be woken at 5am to get stuck into the house. The instructions would fly as I woke them.
Clean your room.
Clean the Kitchen
Wash the dishes that were washed last night – re wash them, I can see they have not been wash properly.
Clean the bathroom
Clean the toilet
Check the garden for “Land Mines” and remove them
Check under your beds and get rid of the plates you have hidden there for weeks
Tidy your cupboards
Repack the kitchen cupboards
Mow the lawn
Clean the Garage
And for Goodness sake do something with your hair and do not forget to brush your teeth.
My reward would be a growl, blankets pulled over their heads. A tantrum under the covers and they forgot that I have these x-ray eyes and can see them mouthing words at me and pulling undignified signs at me.
“Don’t call me a ….. and I can see your gestures. Get out of Bed now, Aunty Winnie is coming for lunch or Mark and Jossie are coming over so you had better get out of bed and help! "I would shout over my shoulder as I left their rooms.
Really, Michelle get a grip. Visitors do not check cupboards and garages and under beds… well not all visitors... My witch of an ex -mother in-law just that trying to catch me in a moment of weakness and she would gleefully tell me she found a spot of dust or a cobweb right in the top corner of the stair case that led up to the bedrooms.
She would shake her head and ask me when was the last time I cleaned the window right at the top of the stairs which by the way would need a hyster for lift machine with 3 METER EXTENSION to clean it. (Hence my over reaction to needing the house to be clean) she then would turn to my now ex-husband and exclaim at his choice of a wife. I told you she would be a bad wife and would not look after you like you need to be looked after. Really, you could have done so much better! She would smile sweetly me and offer to make me a cup of tea as I was clearly too busy not looking after her precious son to make her one.
What a tyrant I am in these moments of Clean up you may say. Well you try living in a house of five teenagers, six dogs and three cats and have no domestic help. The washing, the ironing, the inevitable tooth paste fights in the bathroom that somehow seem to land up on the mirror and the walls and Ceiling (how do they get that right- do they spit into the air, or is their tooth brush their micro –phone as they practice for Idols SA) of their bathroom and the secret hidden corners they use to hide the evidence of their midnight snack or hidden dinner plate they were too lazy to take to the kitchen.
The unruly teenagers would jump out of bed and get right too it………… in what reality do you think I live. Of course they wouldn’t. They would get up slam their doors and get right back into bed.
I would then stand in the kitchen and start talking to myself and start cleaning in a frenzy and pull out bowls and plates and pots and pans and start the “spring Clean” and find myself becoming all over emotional at the unfairness of the world and the family would then keep their distance. Cait will tell you – when mom is in this mood stay away because she talks to herself, repeats herself and right before our eyes, this serene wonderful mom morphs into this crazy person who runs around like a gyro bunny all over the place. - Shouting instructions to the ceiling, talking to the animals and trying to rebuild the house in two hours.
Imagine someone on fast forward with absolutely no direction and plan and throw in a bit of chaos as I trip over animals and try to reach the top shelves to put away offending ornaments or appliances – eventually climbing up on the kitchen counters and putting these out of sight, only to have Bern rescue me off the kitchen counter as climbing off counters is not as easy climbing on with a rickety knee.
Chaos, and mayhem reigns, and finally the children come through, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and ask me to repeat my instructions. Bern sees my face go white and sees me get ready to blast them and she takes over and tells me to relax. Bern then puts everything into perspective.
Angel, we cleaned the house last night remember, we did everything you asked. We clean the house everyday and we are here for you in your time of distress. Now a sane person would accept this reassurance – but then I have not been known to be sane in moments like this. Do I sit and look at the situation with a clearer perspective. Do I calmly sip my coffee, which has been brought to me, and agree that the house is perfect? Do I thank everyone for his or her efforts…? No, I become this ODD person and explain that we need to make sure double sure everything is ready for the guests.
I am glad to tell you I have improved greatly over the years. I think this has coincided with the house having fewer occupants in it, or maybe Bern is giving me some type of calming medicine in my morning coffee, which may explain why my home coffee tastes different …. Only kidding – what has happened is what inevitably happens to everyone who reaches a certain age.
You get this “If you don’t like it – then don’t visit attitude” “or don’t’ visit if you expect perfection…. I perfectionist -really I am in certain areas – but this is my home, my place of refuge, if you don’t like it – bugger off”
I do admit that there are slips in this newfound freedom when the domestic decides not to come in on a Monday and I go into my Clean mode. Shame even Bern’s mom June experienced a lapse in my resolve when she was staying with us and insisted she would do the dishes as I swept and cleaned and made the place presentable. There was no ways I could persuade her not to do the dishes and she can be quite strong for an 81 year old as I tried to tackle her on her way to the kitchen and wrestle the sponge out of her hands.
Yes, I admit it, I have issues. Moreover, I suppose the biggest is lack of self-confidence and wanting to be this perfect mom, partner and homeowner. Not bad traits to have, but I know I take it to the extreme. So as I sit here waiting for the visitor, I look at the bigger picture and I was also very clever, I phoned my helper and begged her to come in and do an extra special clean, even though she was here yesterday and heaved a sigh of relief when she agreed.
Now all I have to do is work on this hair of mine and without Bern knowing I am going to sneak off my Magic hairdresser Michael and challenge him with performing a miracle again.
So wish me luck for my day of trying to impress a Johannesburg client and while doing so try to find my sanity. I swear I left it on the kitchen when I was making the kittens food this morning and they must have found it and have hidden it. Or maybe little boy decided he likes this frantic person who is running around trying to find her shoes which Jinx has decided needs to be buried in the garden simply ate my sanity.
“I WILL SURVIVE – IS MY NEW MOTTO - sanity is overrated”
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