Weekends - Fun and Games and Alabama Slammers

Weekends – Fun and Games and Alabama Slammers


We have just celebrated Woman’s day on the 9th August and what better way to celebrate it but with a bunch of Woman.



Women unite…. Burn the bras…. OK OK, let us not go that far, I need the support. Would not want to scare off Mother Nature and make her decide that the next generation needs to have flat chests. Now that would create a disturbance in the force.

Present were: Bern, Me, Sarah my daughter , Shireen- Bern’s niece and her partner Michelle, Shane my adopted daughter and Val and 4 dogs. Not a boy in sight unless you want to count the Ginger Man cat that lives at the house but he has been fixed and is now an honorary girl. He did not like the invasion so we saw very little of him.



Shireen and Michelle were the first to arrive armed with 4 dogs. Two Jack Russells, 1 pregnant Sausage-dog and Sarah’s little baby Babushka a Maltese cross Pekinese on Friday at about midday and they were hungry. Now I had not been to the shops so I threw together a salad and toast. Well that was all I had in the fridge and it was scoffed down in eager gulps. All was well until Bern had to take Shireen and Michelle to the Airport which is now a 96km round trip drive to go and meet their colleagues at the airport and on the way back- stop in at one of our clients to do a collection.

As a refresher let me remind you of my animals. I have Fiona, the regal white calm German Sheppard; Jinx the insane mixed breed who has this need to nip my butt at every opportunity. Little Boy who is the soft little Jack Russel of the Group and you can nearly always find him attached to Fiona’s butt. We have considered having him surgically removed but I think Fiona would miss him. He has been her surrogate baby since we got him when he was no bigger than a tennis ball. Finally yet importantly, we have our 5 cats. Monster Kitty the hormonal mother who has decided she is not so fond of her children anymore and hisses at them and just about tears off in a huff every time they approach her with a big drama of pretending to want to “Take them out”. Four Wonderful kittens now 5 months old who have decided that since she no longer wants to suckle them, they now turn to Jinx MY DOG for comfort and terrorize her by suckling on her. Mofo, Angel, Ginger Boy and Tabby – the real terrors of the home. They rule by claw and guerrilla attacks. We do not stand a chance with them and their laser eyes at night. Their night raids have left be battle scarred and too scared to leave the room for any reason. I find these attacks in the dark a little too much for my heart. The fly at you in silence and hang onto your body with glee and I swear you can hear them cackle in glee as you shriek and dance around in the dark bumping into the furniture and walls. This is called the waltz of pain – one that I have learnt to perfect since they arrived.



On Friday, we had 7 dogs, and 5 cats and I have realized that I am the piped piper of animals. It has nothing to do with speaking to animals or this hidden talent of taming animals, or any God given gift to heal animals…. No, I am the Piped Piper and I move – they follow. No matter where I go they follow. You try going to the Loo to answer the "call of nature” moment with 24 pairs of eyes watching you. Talk about Stage fright and add to that Angel’s need to climb up your trousers, which are at your ankles and then proceed onto the bare exposed flesh of your calves and thighs to climb on your lap to keep you company. All the while you are trying to retrieve the toilet paper from Mofo and Ginger Boy who think this is Christmas in August, and Tabby is tap dancing in the bath or drowning if you have forgotten to let the water out.



Yes, Loo breaks are quite an event in our home. So there I sat in my office/lounge surrounded by animals, Shireen and Michelle’s dogs still quite unsettled at the new place and new smells (no not from the Loo – don’t be rude) and they have this amazing big garden to play in but they have decided my small lap is where they want to be and of course Babushka being a Lap dog decided she would take her rightful place on her “Grandmother’s " lap. All the while, I am trying to work and respond to mails and show a semblance of work – when all of a sudden the Pool Guy comes to check out the pool. I now no longer have hearing in my left ear as Whisky let out this shriek and scream right in my ear and Cutie and Crayon Joined in and Babushka not to be out done yapped like a squeak toy.



I am surprised that I did not have heart failure right there and then. My dogs who know the Pool Guy and have treated with muffled barks in the past, decided that they needed to out Bark and out Woof the visitors to show them who is boss of the neighbourhood. Now I tried to calm them with the Dog Whisperer technique of shoosing them and softly poking them in the ribs to distract them but all I succeeded in doing was taking the starring role of an orchestra as the Conductor. “Yapp, bark, woof, squeak, all together now, swish of my finger and they went into this crescendo of noises I did not know dogs could make. My cats scattered – under beds, curtains, TV cabinets and they were growling from their hiding places. Now while all of this is going on the Land Line decides it needs to ring, I see it’s a cape Town number and decide that its best not to answer and try to clam myself down so the calmness will over flow onto he dogs and this takes about 10 minutes. Shew calm and quiet returned until the Pool Guy decided he had to call me to the back door.

Absolute chaos reigned. Cutie, Whisky and Crayon had decided I was now their property and they went berserk. Totally insane, scratching at the back door determined to burrow through the wood to bite the poor unsuspecting victim’s ankles. Fiona picked up their panic and for the first time in her relationship with the Pool Guy – she lunged at the back door nearly charging over the stable door to rip his throat out, Jinx ran past me, nipped me on the butt and jumped up all excited on the kitchen door which as I mentioned is in the style of a stable door. Bottom latched and top half open. Babushka and Little Boy jumped around my ankles and Babushka became so excited she nibbled my toes and little Boy jumped up and down in one spot like a jumping jack on a trampoline; Boing- Boing-Boing up and down. The look of horror and bewilderment on the Pool Guy’s face would have been comical if I had had time to take it all in, but I was standing there with my hands over my perforated ear drums, holding in the blood that I was sure was spouting out my ears at their recent introduction to Strauss’s Blue Dogue. I closed my eyes as my head was now pounding and hoped the man would just be swooped up by a wandering whirl wind and be dropped in Kansas as he deserved to be shot for trying to talk to me when he knew I had a house full of dogs as he had seen them when he entered. It does not take a bloody genius to see that this was not a good time to ask me a question.

I stood there and watched his lips move, removed my hands from my ears, but I would have been better off if I had learnt to read lips. There was absolutely no ways I was able to hear a word this man saying and he thought he could shout at me then to make my ability to hear better. All this succeeded in doing was make Fiona even more aggressive and determined to let this man know he was not welcome.

I finally managed to ascertain that the pool pump was not working and I needed to check the DB box. I saw that the plug had tripped and switched it back on and waived him away from the door. Well he was in such a hurry to leave that he forgot to put the backwash function off the pool off and Bern arrived home to see the pool was seriously being drained.



I told Bern and Shireen that that was the last time I would ever be left alone with all the dogs. Their response “Why you shouting, we are not deaf” I had no idea I was shouting, my hearing was gone and had no idea how loud I was talking. Of course by the time they returned the dogs were clam and fed and in love with each other and they greeted Bern and Shireen and Michelle with little soft barks and mild to middling jumps of excitement. I on the other hand needed therapy, eardrum replacement and a stiff drink.



Dinner was prepared and served by Bern all the while watching me to see if I was going to need to be rushed to the Insane Home as I sat there in a stunned state and mumbled things and made funny noises. Only kidding I was quite fine after the Pool Guy had left and the dogs had calmed down, but I now sported a lovely bruise on my Butt courtesy of Jinx…. What can I say; I must have a tasty butt. Never knew I had one before, but you are never too old to learn.



The next morning My Sarah and Shane arrived and we left for Port Edward. Sarah and Shane in the car with us, and the four visiting dogs in the car with Shireen and Michelle. We had a lovely journey, Michelle and Shireen seemed to travel well with the Dog Circus in their car, a small mishap as Babushka was not a good traveler and decided to show them just how much she suffered from car- sickness. Nothing that a disinfectant and a new upholstered back seat could not fix….



Saturday was wonderful, the weather was fantastic, the dogs had a huge garden to play in which has rolling lawns and rocks and places to hide and jump out on the birds eating the bugs off the lawn. The view from the house is amazing. God’s Canvas and Saturday showed the master at his best.

Shireen, Michelle, Shane and Sarah went to the beach and Bern and I sat with Val and enjoyed the day in serene silence. Beers were cracked early and brandy and cokes flowed and the Young ladies had great fun. They splashed in the sea, the dogs chased the waves and birds, and they came back from the trip to the beach ready to party. Bern regaled us with her beautiful voice and guitar playing and we sang along and I am sure we hurt her "Note" sensitive ears.  Michelle begged for Dream Dream Dream and eventually Bern gave in and sang the song and the Everley Brothers would applaud our rendition of their famous song - well maybe not but we had fun

This is when the fun began. Val, Sarah, and Shireen decided they needed to practice yoga. Val shone at this, this 60-year-old wonderfully supple woman made these 23 year olds look like they belonged in the old age home. She bent like a pretzel. Bent over and touched her head on the floor in the sitting position- pointed her toes and showed them exactly how unfit they were. Then Shireen and Sarah decided they needed to see just how subtle they were by sitting and stretching each other’s legs into an almost split….”not”, all they managed to do was collapse into uncontrollable giggles and do the row; row; row your boat action with feet on feet, legs splayed open as they rocked back and forward. It was hysterical to watch.

Now it was time for Shots – Apple Sours and down the hatch, we all had a quick shot each. Then Shireen decided that it was time to introduce Val to an Alabama Slammer. I had no idea what was but Val dutifully drank it down and came back with decidedly rosy cheeks and announced proudly “See no one is too old to experience new things or try new things” it turns out in a Alabama Slammers is a Hunters Beer made “flat” with a shot glass of sours dropped into the glass. You down the Hunters and eventually the sours mixes with the hunters and hey Presto you have an Alabama Slammer. (Bern had to explain it to me) hmmmmm does not sound at all tempting to me.

Bern, Val and I decided we would have our first drink while the braai was starting and we played Kings. Now I am not going to explain the game as I have explained it before. Simply put it is a drinking Game and every card has a drink penalty. The ultimate goal is to be nominated as GOD and that means whatever you say goes. I love this position, this role of honour and I really have fun! Bern was the 1st “God “and Shireen and Shane cringed. They knew they were in trouble. Every time the 6 cards was called - it was a drink meant for “Men”; Shane or Shireen were nominated to drink for the nonexistent men. Poor Bern was overthrown very quickly and I pulled the God card. (The ACE) Fun and games after that.



The penalties were as follows: Finish every sentence with not to be repeated words. Remember the alcohol was flowing and girls will be girls when they are together. All I will say it was very much below the belt and included leather cookies that are easy and open wide with a vijayjay thrown in for fun. I will leave you to work it out. The rest of censored.

The King cards came very quickly and before we were totally sloshed thank goodness, well the young ladies I should say as Bern; Val and I were genteel in our sipping our drinks and Sarah was not drinking at all as she was still on antibiotics. OK; OK Shane, Michelle and Shireen were “Happy” and this was fine as were not travelling, and the walk to the bedrooms were not dangerous or perilous unless you count moving walls. Lol. Shireen pulled the last King and was a real trooper as she down the combination of Hunters Beer, Brandy and Coke and a red square. What a disgusting concoction. Bern then went to braai the meat and we joined her outside. Typical female conversation took place and we discussed the old and very tested and tried subject of sex and orgasms. What a scream (excuse the pun) we had and the talk turned to body piercing and a bit of “Show and tell” … in some discreet areas and shrieks of ewwww, didn’t that hurt was heard above the fire roaring. This is when Michelle got cold feet and grabbed her private area and ran away – I think she was under the impression that we were going to become so drunk and disorderly that needles would be produced and body piercing was on the menu.

I sat there and watched “MY Girls” as that is what they are, my angels, Shireen is my daughter from another mother, Michelle is her Love so therefore she has no choice she is also my new daughter, Sarah, “My baby girl” and Shane the new adopted daughter. Oh to feel so alive as these young ladies do, to be so full of dreams and wonders and opportunities, I envy them their journey – but I do not envy them their bumps and bruises that they will receive along the way. Sarah shared her new love with us and we of course went “Ooooohhhh” and proceeded to pretend to put our fingers down our throats mocking her for being so in love. Shane lamented that beer just does not take the place of a good cuddle and mentioned that there is nothing like a …. Muff...IN; in the morning. Moreover, I off course sat and stirred the pot and added little bits of naughtiness to the conversation and the conversation just went “pear” with no hope of becoming clean and repeatable.

Val was in her element and told the girls that they had a lifetime of fun ahead of them and if they needed advice…. Not to phone her – she was not sharing her secrets and experiences. Val is amazing and her laughter rings out and is so contagious you cannot help but join in even if you have no idea what she is laughing at.

Sunday was quiet, a few headaches, a bout of flu re-occurring because Sarah and Shane decided they had to jump in the pool clothes and all after their return from the beach. Not a good idea when you are still recovering from Bronchitis. Add to that the wind that decided to blow off the mountains in the Drakensburg, which were covered in snow. Cold and Miserable, but the company was warm and wonderful and we swapped stories and a few drinks were had – but to our dismay and sadness Val had to leave to go and Be a Granny and baby-sit her grandchildren.



The dogs had an experience I think they will never forget, all this space, all these birds, and the sea. They were exhausted and passed out most of Sunday. Sunday is a day of rest After All.

Monday we packed up quite early as the girls had at least an 8-hour journey ahead of them and as things turned out this 8-hour journey turned into a 12-hour journey after waiting for Shane’s sister to arrive – they finally left at 13h00 and arrived in Johannesburg at 22h00. The traffic was horrendous, the tollgates took 30 minutes to get through, and there are four of them on the high way. Bern and I sat and waited for her mom to arrive from Johannesburg with Vernon Bern’s brother in-law from Johannesburg; we worried about our girls and their journey. We were kept up to date of their long journey by text messages and I did not envy them one bit.



A wonderful end to a long weekend – to have Bern’s sweet wonderful gentle mom visiting us and this helps me with my missing my girls and my regret that my Cait  and Matt could not join us. Matt house sat and Cait went to Oppie Koppie for the weekend and by all accounts, she had a wonderful time. I would love to include her mail to Sarah as she has inherited my talent for being able to write as I talk – but I do not have her permission – mores the pity. I am pleased she enjoyed herself but she now needs a new toenail and refuses to wear open shoes. Hmmmmm - there is a story there I promise.

Long Weekends, a time of rest and reflection… Well not in my family – a time of fun. Laughter – idiotic moments and great family and friends. Now I have the added gift of having Bern’s mom for a month. I am going to make the best of it and spoil her rotten. “God's Gift to me after along hard weekend!”