The day started with Bern’s return from Ladysmith. A trip to the hairdresser for me as I had reached that pointy of no return - I even had to hide the scissors from myself, as I knew in desperation I would hack at it. I had been to this God amongst Hairdressers the day before and thankfully, he performed miracles, as my hair has been a total mess since my last visit to a hairdresser a few months back. She normally does such a good job but this time I swear she thought she needed to ruin my life and give me a hairstyle that even the demons that walk this earth would be scared of. No matter how many times I used the hair strengthener after laboriously blow-drying it into a semblance of a style, the results would be one of a combination of Whoopi Goldberg verses the Cookie Monster from the Muppets. Now for me this was like "The End of Days meets the Exorcist."
You have no idea how I would sit there and try not to cry in frustration as I tried to work miracles and when I failed which I would invariably do - I would look at the reflection of my face staring back at me with tears running down my face and those famous words of -F MY LIFE WOULD - jump into my head. Eventually I would give up and would use two elastics, a hair grasp clip thing and a tub of Gel to try to look half-decent.
This worked for exactly 10 minutes until I had to go outside to meet the driver with my envelopes from other branches, the Durban weather would tease its way into this severely plastered hairstyle, my fringe would pop up, and suddenly I would have this wind-defying wing on the top of my head. Straight up and as stiff as a board! My fringe defied gravity and all the forces of Mother Nature and would stand up and salute the world. No amount of wetting it and re-gelling it would get it to lie flat on my head and the glasses would come out the handbag and be used as a band to keep the hair in place.
The result as I mentioned before is spiky bit of hair sticking up over the glasses on my head and my glasses were useless to use for work as they were now coated in Gel. Gel forms this thick waterproof coat on the glasses and I eventually gave up trying to see through them, and I resorted to changing the font on my screen to LARGE, and hoped that the texts I received were in brail on my phone.
Unfortunately, I rely quite heavily on appearances in my job, which consists of me meeting customers, new clients and trips to the airport on a regular basis. So when my hair has turned into this monster and has taken on its own personality I feel quite at odds with the world.
Speaking of trips to the airport. Matt was telling my friend Val who we had to fetch at the airport on Tuesday; that I am so pathetic… I don’t even need to go into an airport to turn the taps on, I just need to drive past one, which would be funny if there was not an element of truth in that - is it just me or do airports bring tears to everyone’s eyes? Moreover, to add insult to injury I go to the airport nearly every day here for work. Last month was 18 times so my tear ducts are working over time. Time for a new set of tear ducts I think. These ones are stuck on “Tear Mode” quite embarrassing when I go to fetch a parcel as the guys must think I been waiting for this parcel for ages in great anticipation and am so relieved to see it that I blub as I sign for it. Never mind that it is a parcel for a bloody dairy in Howick, which is more than likely Bulls Sperm for the Horny Mother cows. This is no crying matter unless of course you are the cow who has to face the humiliation of having someone shove this giant syringe into your private parts to impregnate you. Trust me I would also cry at this unfortunate event.
I am a sight at the cargo department and they look forward to their “Days of our Lives” series with me. Someday I arrive there so early I Have to make sure I am not in my pajamas or my slippers. I am sure I have arrived a few times in my sleeping top and bra less but hey, they are so busy focusing on my hair that has come alive with this humidity - I think they are too scared to say anything about this apprehension in front t of them. It is best they do not say anything just in case my hair decides to Karate chop them or worst, infect them with hair that does exactly as it bloody well pleases.
So yeah, my life is full of funny moments and tears and now that “Army Wives” is back on TV, I am reminded that my favourite actor Amanda was killed in a bomb explosion and I sit there and lament and wail, as any mourner would do. By now, the family knows the drill and I am told to GET A LIFE AND GET OVER IT; they seem to think it is just a TV series and forget that I became involved in the plot and story line and Amanda became my friend. Hahaha yes I get so involved in movies and TV series and am so enthralled with Mc Clouds daughters and Australian series we had recently about Tough Aussie girls who run a farm and was shattered when Alex died and needed therapy.
My text to Bern that morning was:
Angel… Alex died.
And she replied. “ OH babe I am sorry….who is Alex and do we know him?”
You can imagine when I told her that Alex was a TV character. She laughed. Then told me I need therapy. The other day I was on this tangent to Sarah, not making sense and rambling as we were on our way to her and was smsing her the biggest load of sh..T and she was trying to make heads or tails of my message (pretty much what you are trying to do right now I think) and eventually she replied to me and said
“Mom you Need Jesus!”
So I of course laughed and told her I have Jesus and she needs to respect how he uses me to speak to his children. And I was not being disrespectful or blaspheming as I believe I am a tool for him as an inspiration to other people to not stray from their road and my trials and tribulations are a testimony to what not to do and how he managed to bring me back to his chosen path with a few smacks on the back of the head when I clearly needed it.
I can feel a smack coming on quite soon, as I am quite lost in so many ways and so directionless but on a whole I pretty much fly by the seat of my pants.
Flying by the seat of my pants did not work with Cheryl’s visit however. After the trip to the hairdresser, I was very relieved to see an almost presentable picture and told him I was going to come back in on Wednesday for another miracle work over before I went to the airport to fetch Cheryl.
Bern had returned from Ladysmith and she came with me to the Hairdresser before we left for the Airport. Michael was quite flustered when we arrived as now he had 12 minutes to perform this miracle as I was running late. I had spent the morning cleaning the office, filing three months worth of waybills and generally clearing the desk for Bern to use and of course impress the boss. Finally, the Miracle was performed on my hair, all that was left for me was to perform the miracle of War Paint and I would be ready.
On the way to the airport I applied the War Paint and hoped that the mascara wand that was now sticking out my eye was considered a fashion statement as Bern was not paying attention to this delicate operation happening next to her and had the audacity to brake sharply to miss a Taxi who had decided that he needed to stop in the middle of the traffic. GRRRRR so now my eye was red and I could feels the tears of pain building up and I was nowhere near the airport.
Oh, the joys of trying to turn my face into a work of art had suddenly become an Abstract work of Art. So I decided the hair more than made up for the patch job on my face and felt I could carry it off with my normal zest for life. (If it does not fit or work, beat it into a pulp and make it submit is my motto)
The airport was not eventful and neither was the trip to meet our agents and we had quite a pleasant afternoon, however I was shattered. What with Bern being in Ladysmith for two nights and the nerves that churned in my stomach and my ever present need to worry about things I have no control over i.e. Cheryl’s visit I was quite exhausted. To my horror Bern told Cheryl that I had not had any sleep in anticipation for her visit and she of course thought this was hysterical. “Grav, you need to learn to put your worried into draws and prioritize these. Stop having all the draws open at one time and always always put Bern and Family first. Work is the last draw you should worry about.
Easy advice Cheryl let me see you try to change years of programming. I swear I stress without even knowing it and it has become such a habit that I am not even aware I am doing it half the time. Blame my years of trying to juggle being a single mom and a career woman. One eventually lands up expecting the worst and preparing for the worst. Even the best preparation in the world could not have prepared me for Thursday.
This started on Wednesday night at about 21h00 when a friend phoned in a desperate situation and apologized for phoning so late. Long story short, we needed to go and assist a young man who had got himself into trouble and needed to be bailed out of jail. No not broken out of Jail- bailed out.
After that call, I was unable to sleep and wondered what the next day would bring. It turns out bailing a person out of jail is not as simple as going to a bank, drawing the bail money and walking to a window at the Prison, paying the bail and simply be handed the person in question. After explaining the situation to Cheryl, we left for the prison. So much for our day of planning and setting up the branch.
No, you go through this detailed process of having to visit the prison with all the other families and while we were waiting to go into this prison facility; Cheryl looked at me and instructed me to go and sit in the car, she would go with Bern. I looked at her quite confused, as I was the one who was asked to do this and present my ID for the Hand Over. The prison staff warned us not to take handbags in or wallets or anything of value and to be on our guard at all times. The expression on Cheryl’s face was not one you argued with so I agreed reluctantly. As I was leaving, I was sent off with this comment from one of the prison wardens. “Be careful outside, do not talk to strangers and be careful of being High-Jacked. Now this made me feel so proud of our country, such safety, such feeling of well being – if you are not safe at a highly guarded facility where the hell are you safe in our country.
So I climbed into the car, sat, and waited. I tried to ignore the call of nature and distract myself with music and texts with my friend and tried to be invisible. I decided I was hungry and realized I would have to get out the car and open the boot to retrieve the sandwiches we had bought for lunch. Hunger finally got the better of me, but fear was the ultimate winner. I did not climb out the car to open the boot to retrieve the food. – I climbed over the front seats onto the back seat. Looked for the back seat clips and decided I would perform the mission impossible task and burrow into the boot and retrieve the sandwich and bottle of water in the boot.
I looked at the seats and I knew there were clips you release to open the boot as I had extended the boot many a time for those rather large parcels I collect for clients. However, I normally do this from the outside of my car. So there I sat pulling the clip thing on the back of the seat and it is stuck. It seems that the last time I did this I got the seat belts jammed into the tight space. So I pulled and uttered a few chosen words and pulled again – and whoops – I was sitting on the floor of my car. My legs straight up facing the ceiling, my ass on the floor. This is not my version of sit ups…sorry for you … I was trapped. My legs out straight – my butt on the floor. My face cramped into my chest and I had visions of Cheryl and Bern coming out the prison seeing me like this. Suffocated by my ample bosom and fat rolls.
I was truly trapped, out of breath, felt my blood pressure rise and my phone beeped. There was a message and I wriggled and wriggled, pushed the back of the seat into its previous position and tried to breath. I began to panic as the parking bay had now filled up with visitors leaving the prison and waiting for their Taxi and I was sitting trapped on the floor in the back of my car with my legs extended and my arms flapping wildly trying to get free of this death grip of the back seat and the front seat – all because I was too scared to get out the car and face being mugged.
There were quite a few faces peering into my window and my heart really started to race. I think fear made me shrink in size and I managed to pull myself up with the strength of Wonder Woman and the expression on my face would have scared off any mugger who was thinking about approaching me. So I clambered over the front chair. Legs and high-heeled boots flapping everywhere. I landed up putting my foot through the steering wheel and was posed there like a bloody ballerina doing this pirouette or something and nearly pulled the steering wheel right-out out of the dashboard as I tried to dislodge my foot. All I achieved was ripping my high heel boots off my foot and there it sat so nicely and snugly in the steering wheel.
I climbed out the car, all red in the face. Now shoeless on one foot and I tried to pull the shoe out of the steering wheel and decided to hell with it. It was now a permanent fixture of my car and it looked good and if anyone had the courage to ask me why it was there I would bludgeon them to death with the one I was still wearing. Fortunately, my sock had stayed on, only just and I pulled it back on and walked to the back of my car, one boot on one boot off. Opened the boot, leant in grabbed the food and water and in two seconds flat I managed to achieve what had taken me half an hour to do earlier.
Fear… the things we do when we are scared. I am sure the visitors were quite scared when they saw this Hobbit of a woman climb out her car, verbalizing words that are not lady like and they watched me try to retrieve my boot only to give up and slam my door and hobble hop to my boot. I can only imagine what was going through their minds.
I was finally able to read my text. It was from Cheryl. “Still waiting. Will let u know. I even had a pee, didn’t touch a thing and flushed with my shoe. he he” I read this and thought well you are lucky you have a place to pee, then a fit of wild giggles hit me as I replayed my scenario in my head and visualized the loo break Cheryl had described and felt a little calmer. By now, my bladder was bursting and I sent a text telling them I was going to do a collection and find a loo.
The afternoon finally ended. I managed to get to the client on time, collected the parcel and returned to fetch Cheryl, Bern and the young man. By now, our patience was at its lowest and our nerves were shattered as Bern and Cheryl were body searched by one of the guards who was quite determined to search every crevice and nook and cranny the body has. Cheryl commented, “They give a good squeeze of the private parts don’t they?” quite degrading if you ask me. This boy made the mistake of trying to tell Bern that he was innocent and Bern let him have it and say, Don’t start your shit with me, if you were innocent, you would not be here so just shut up before I shut you up. That was that, he was timid and so humble after that and in the car he apologized and said yes he brought this on himself.
As Cheryl said, we had a lesson in the art of being Patient. I had a lesson of being a pretzel and decided not to share this with them. Later I asked Cheryl why I had not gone into the prison and why she volunteered. I had not said a word and was quite prepared to go in. she said “Michelle, your face was as white as a sheet and it suddenly dawned on me that this was the last place you needed to be after your attack and experience with crime” I have to say I was relieved when she offered to go in, however I would have handled it and dealt with the bad dreams afterwards. Now all I have to deal with is the bruises from my escape from the hungry seats and the bruise to my pride and dignity. I had managed to get the boot out of the steering wheel before I left for the collection at my client. Let me tell you driving with a boot in the steering wheel is not an easy task – trust me I tried. There was no ways I was going to try and explain to my calm and all together Boss how my boot landed up tangled into my steering wheel of my company car. That brave and that stupid I am NOT!
The evening was uneventful. We dropped the young man at the bus station, bade him farewell and wished him well with all the challenges he had ahead of him and came home to stay awake all night listening to all the sounds of the busy road we live on. It is funny how things can spark a memory to trigger a fear. Bern must have thought I had gone quite insane when I started to giggle and no matter how hard she tried to ask me what was funny, I would not tell her about my escapade in the car. I was not going to admit that I am an idiot; I just said the sms/text about their loo break was quite funny.
That is all we achieved this week and I was saved from another trip to the airport so no needless tears, but I have to confess I did have a very tearful moment when I was on my way to fetch Bern on the Tuesday. I was listening to the Mama Mia CD that belongs to my friend Shane. It is a song about a mom helping her daughter get ready for her wedding day and mentions lost moments and opportunities to share these precious moments and I was overwhelmed with longing to see my girls and by the time I arrived at Bern I was gulping down big choking tears and was quite a mess when I arrived at her work place. When I saw her, I just hung onto her and hugged her so hard until the tears subsided. I think I must be going through change of life or maybe just want to change my life!
Oh, well new opportunities face me now and a new branch to establish again and exciting times are head for me, and now that I have Bern, working next to me and challenging me I am sure things will improve. However, I have to add she has already done a clean up on my cables from my computer and told me I was a fire hazard, removed unnecessary connection for the internet router that I had installed. How was I to know that an usb connection and a direct connection from the router to the computer were not necessary? When I received the package from the internet provider, I used everything they gave me. I never pretended to be technical and all I can say is it worked and “if it anit broken – don’t fix it” is one of my codes I live by.
So until my life is broken, I will not fix it. Oh, I pity the world; they have to face the ripples of my chaos. Be brave, be very brave!
No comments:
Post a Comment