This is part of a mail I sent to family and friends this morning as light relief for them and a way of purging myself of my nativities. As I was typing it, I realized….hey I have more material for my blog. Then it dawned on me, I am actually giving my children more than enough evidence to have me locked up for the insane. The good thing is I know they will be joining me soon and so will my crazy Cuz from New Zealand as she really has inherited the Adcock Genes. Lol…….
Sarah sent me a mail after reading my mail to her about how my morning started that she has pre-booked me into a home for the insane. Should I be impressed that she and I are on the same wavelength or worried that the men in white coats will be arriving at my door soon? The only saving grace is if the kids are expecting great wealth at my being locked away; they have more chance of getting my books published than inheriting anything from me. I am as broke as a church mouse. In fact, a church mouse has more than I have at the moment; they have a church!
I suppose I should not be surprised as this morning after my bath I took photos of my injuries and sent them to my girls and my cousin in New Zealand expecting a barrage of sympathy mails. Did I get this, were they sympathetic? Ummmm no
This is how they responded:
From: cait osterloh
Subject: Re: Emailing: INJURIES 003, INJURIES 001, INJURIES 002
Oh mom! they are HUGE... OOOOOOHH call a doctor :)
From: Cousin
Subject: Re: Emailing: INJURIES 003, INJURIES 001, INJURIES 002
Well, I squinted, stood on my head, tried to look backwards... but no blue ???
Cute little “krom tone" tho'.
Ha ha
My family loves me, my family loves me and I am not a Drama Queen! )
Maybe if I say this often enough the universe will listen, miracles will happen, and I will stop being a Drama queen
I have used my mail to my family and added bits that are relevant and deleted stuff that is not.... I know, I accept that my animals rule my life. I suppose it is better than alcohol ruling my life, but at least I could use the excuse I have heard before… I don’t remember I had too much to drink. I must try it some time! Maybe I can persuade Bern to make the famous Hooligan Juice for me and I can drown my sorrows in it
While typing this I was called away from my desk by Bern and on returning to my desk, I hit my crushed toe against my chair! It is so sore and I am crying and have this lump in my throat it is bleeding on the inside I tell you. Drama Queen I hear you saying again – you try to live with my very over stimulated imagination.
My wonderful full of fun life!
I want to trade my life I have considered being a beach bum but - oohhh being a beach bum would never work for me - sand in the pants was never something I enjoy and I do like my every day luxuries like hot water and coffee in the morning. Any suggestions! Being a beggar on the street corners would only confuse the drivers, as they would not know I was begging for money, they would think I was lost and needed directions to a home for the mentally challenged!
How about a door-to-door sales person? No thank you, if my Sarah is any indication of how to handle a door, I am in trouble. She runs into them at night as she says she can’t see them. Here is a hint Sarah, put the light on and you won’t run into the door. Besides, you try to gain access to anyone’s home in this day and age. If you are not attacked by big dogs and managed to crawl up to the front door of the house you are hoping to sell something to, you are sure to be met by more dogs and a person with a gun and they will rob you and mug you. So scratch that idea.
Car sales Person - What do I know about Cars? They start and you put fuel in them and they have a sound system which keeps you company while you drive to your destination. Sometimes you need to remember to check the oil and water. Thank goodness, I have Bern for that – I would land up being stranded more often than not if I did not. I mean when I do break down which is not often, I phone her and try to explain the problem.
“Bern, I have broken down, the car made a grrrrrr noise, shuddered and then the steering wheel locked and the car just cut out". Now even the best mechanic in the world would not be able to help me with this description so I do not blame Bern for her “What are you talking about?” comment – so no cars are not my forte
Make Up sales Person – No I don’t think so, I tried to apply base to my face yesterday in preparation for my appointments and for some unknown reason it turned into wall plaster. I had these stripes of goo on my face and had to use make up removal to get it off and start again. I wonder if the humidity in Durban turns normal make up foundation into goo that looks like it should be used when designing masks for Halloween.
Sports Commentator – I think not, what I know about sports would horrify avid sports lovers. I fall sometimes fall asleep during ruby and Grand Prix when it is televised ! This would be one job I would be fired for non-performance. I had to be bribed and cajoled into going to watch a live Rugby Match here at the Shark tank. It was Lions playing South Africa and I managed to enjoy it. It was a great experience and I will go again if the opportunity arises. I may not know anything about Rugby but I really enjoyed the atmosphere and the crowds. They dress up for the day and I spent the day taking photos of what they were wearing! I cheered along with the crown, even though Bern and I were the only green shirts in a river of red shirts. We were seriously out numbered. I admit I do watch Rugby now and am learning a bit more; however I have a long way to go.
I could go on and on, but I have to accept this is my life, selling express freight is my chosen profession and on a whole, I am not totally useless at it. There are times when we have to accept our lot in life and just get on with it. No use in crying over spilt milk or crushed toes is there?
This is how my morning started
Mofo (our mad kitten - human destroyer) left me alone. Miracles do happen. The drivers who arrive as early as 5.00 were relatively quiet if you take into consideration that they believe talking quiet is a sign of disrespect.
Little Boy (my equally mad Jack Russel) decided it was not hot enough and cuddled up to me creating a heat wave all on its own.
My broken squished toe kept me up half the night (Bern rode over it with her chair!)In addition, my buggered elbow (tennis elbow I think it what it is called) – (which is stupid as I have not played tennis in years) kept me up the other half of the night. A few years back, Bern Sarah and I were away for a holiday after quite a horrid time we were experiencing. Mat and Cait were overseas with their dad. We decided we needed to entertain ourselves and hired Tennis racquets and balls for an afternoon of tennis.
I was still healing from my knee reconstruction so was not so agile, but Bern was a little better off with her almost healed hand after surgery. It was great fun and what was very entertaining was Sarah playing tennis. She is such a girl… really she runs like a prissy girl, giggling all the time as she hits the ball back. Her arms tightly clenched next to her body as she runs swinging her body and tiptoes to hit the ball. This was very good exercise for us as we sat on the tennis court catching our breathe – not from running but from laughing
While I was trying to wake up, I listened to the work drivers talk outside our bedroom window as they loaded their vehicles and get ready for the day. They arrive from 5.00am to 7.00am and play their music loud. Boom boom, and talk in their home language - a language I cannot understand and my headache started.
After pushing little boy away from me carefully so as not to unleash his monster side, I rolled out of bed, being careful not to stand on Jinx as she believes she is my bedside mat. She grumbled at me as I disturbed her while she was lying on her back with her legs sticking straight up. I have no idea what she was dreaming about as she was doing the water aerobics actions with her legs while she slept. Jinx has taken the loss of her friend really badly. My normally lively dog is now quite demure and sad. She requests a lot of attention and reassurance. We are giving her extra attention and will later consider a new addition to our family, but this one will have to be mid puppy to young adult to handle the rough and tumble.
Fiona is not quite right either, she asks for love a lot more of late, and will not let Jinx play any games in the garden. She disciplines her immediately, however that being said she is showering Jinx with love and attention and often sleeps next to her. Animals mourn differently, however I am sure they have picked up Bern and my despair and loss and are reacting to our vibes more than anything else. I think this explain my need to stay in bed as I am not quite myself yet. I am working on it and do have my silent times where I do still shed a tear for Babushka. I petted the dogs as I climbed out of bed and started prepare myself for the morning
I then went to run my bath………… no plug. The cats love the damn plug and take it out the bath. I searched the bathroom, which took exactly three seconds, as there is not much place to hide the plug…. (Or so I thought.) Called for Bern explained my dilemma - I was all sulky, sad, and pathetic and was whining like a spoilt child. (I am practicing for my second childhood!) She came in and I promptly resigned from being an adult and sulked in my bed… actually I was secretly pleased as I now had a reason not to get out of bed.
Bern my hero! – She found the plug in the other bathroom, neatly placed on top of the other plug. (I still cannot work this one out) was Fikile thinking they could make a baby plug the way she had them placed on top of each other? For that miniature bath, I am going to need to soak my injuries in from the cats or from Bern riding over my toe. I have told Bern she needs to get a license to drive her damn chair.
She very nicely and dutifully runs my bath for me. Awwww sweet…..now I have no excuse to stay in bed. Damn! I am just about to climb into the bath and see that the shampoos, soaps, body wash and face cleaners are missing. Now Bern returns to the other bathroom thinking maybe Fikile thought we need to bath in that bathroom now. Nothing – they have simply vanished -No sight of them anywhere. We check the showers, both here and the other bathroom. Check under the bathroom basin (of course this was the first place we looked. I decide to use the shower stuff from Bern' shower (not mine - I hate showering) wonder where our supply of stuff has gone. Decide I had better bath and get the damn day started.
I had to wash my face with body wash. Body wash is not manufactured for faces – I found this out the hard way. It is very soapy and bubbles like crazy. I get these bubbles in my eyes and now look like I am on drugs or worse have been crying for a week. I sit in the bath with soapy tears streaming down my face from the burn in the eyes and am blinded by the soap when I nearly jump out of my skin in fright. Tabby (our other kitten cat) decided she needed to join me in the bath AGAIN. THIS IS HER MORNING BLOODY Routine. She jumps up on the sides of the bath - Steps onto my leg and drinks the bath water. Now this sounds all cute and cuddly and a Hallmark Moment but believe me it is nothing like that. She has claws remember…. if the water is not deep enough for her, she digs her claws in to my leg to anchor herself on me and she quite happily and purring loudly with the sheer joy of drinking hot water, proceeds to peel my skin off my knee as she laps up the water. The water shoots out her nose as she drinks in gallons of the stuff and she sneezes and sprays me with water and I dare not budge her. I wait until she has had her fill and do not move an inch even if I have soap in my eyes. Bath time is such fun since she joined our family.
Actually, it is not so bad but not always so funny. When she has lapped up enough water and is as big a hot water bottle, she pounces off my leg and sits on the bath mat watching me. She never has clean feet -She loves the garden and plays all the time so I now sport lovely footprints on my knee and thigh. The bath is also patterned with her little paw prints and it is my job to clean the bath after bathing. Thanks Tabby… you make my life so much easier.
I finally climb out the bath, being sure not to step on the now full and satisfied Tabby cat who has claimed the bath mat as her place of sleep while I am in the bath. Choosing an outfit that will be less hot than my other outfits is quite daunting as Durban is sporting a temperature of 32 degrees and it is going to be a scorcher of a day...
Still feeling less than energetic and excited about the day I sent my boss a sms telling her it is a day from hell here in Durban and hint that I need some leave. I am still waiting for a reply. I then shout for Bern to come into the bedroom, because once I step out the bedroom, she is no longer Bern, she is the Operations Manager and we have to be all-professional and I have to leave my child like tantrums in the bedroom. I tell her I am sick, do a fake cough and she tells me to STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN! Once again the Drama Queen description. I think someone is trying to tell me something!
I am not a drama queen. I do not want to be a drama queen. I want to be a bloody princess. Queens have to make decisions and I want to be pampered and have my every wish granted.
I need a t –shirt that does not say
SHIT HAPPENS!
BUT
Why does it always happen to me!
I looked at my injured right foot. Took the photos as evidence and to prove that I do not make this stuff up. For some reason when I am sharing my day with a work colleague in a telephonic conversation, I am bombarded with “You Lie, Serious” yes it is true, I now have proof.
Speaking of lies. It is a well know fact that people lie. Some more than other and like all people I have had my fair share of lies told to me. I do try to tell a lie, however my face gives me away and if that is not bad enough my giggles also give me away.
Last night I was trying to wangle another cup of coffee out of Bern, as I was too hot and lazy to get up and make one for myself. So I turned to her and told her she had not made coffee. I hardly finished the sentence when I gave myself away and giggled and turned red and she gave me that look of “Go on try that one again?” Her famous eyebrow shot up and she laughed at me and told me to work on my lying skills. She dared me to tell her a lie and I sat there thinking of a lie. Eventually I came up with “I am really fond of an ex friend…. Not mentioning names!”
Well I failed miserably and Bern told me to just stick to the truth, as that was much easier for me. I am not saying I do not lie, that would be a whopper of a lie if I said that. I have to tell fibs (a soft word for Lies) in my profession but I have to admit I do try to stick to the truth as best as I can. My reason being, besides not being able to keep a straight face- The brain is designed to remember the truth not lies. Lies fall into the fantasy part of our brain and when asked to repeat the lie we embellish and add on unnecessary information, as we have no idea what we said in the first place. This by the way is how many parents know their children are lying. They embellish, add stuff, get annoyed and start mumbling. A dead give Away! I tried out some more lies on Bern and she eventually told me I was over tired as I was giggling and blushing and acting a real fool and told me, it was bedtime!
Tabby entertained Bern this morning with a locust about 10cm long and her siblings helped her chase this thing. I could hear Bern telling her to take it outside and Bern was trying to rescue the locust and …. Bern lost the battle. We now have a crime scene in our lounge. Horatio needs to come and investigate and lock Tabby up and I will tell him that Mofo is her Co-conspirator. I will have my revenge. Bern gets so frustrated with that CSI series; I think it is the sunglasses and the stance he takes. We tease her about it all the time. Matt copies him when I am in one of my dramatic moods and says we need to call CSI in to collect the evidence and they will find out who the culprit is who scratched me, knocked me over or ate the cake in the fridge. I have a funny family and they all find me very entertaining.
The day had just begun so you can only image how much can happen still. Doooo dooooo dooooo, twilight zone has taken up residence in our home.
Oh and sadly, I received my first rejection for my book.
“We’re afraid your project does not seem right for our list, but thank you for thinking of Dan, and best of luck in your search for representation” booo hooooo – but I will not give up. I will carry on trying to find someone who recognizes that being insane is also a talent!
P.s. Bern found the bathroom soaps etc. We have this tiny cupboard under the washing basket space. Hey presto… our shampoo etc. Now you think Fikile would have told us she had found a new home for our stuff!
I thought I had solved my having to transfer the calls to Bern, my invisibility cloak needs repairing and I decided to educate the Operations and Customer Services staff in our company. I sent them this mail:
From: Michelle Gravett
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2010 10:41 AM
Subject: BERN'S DIRECT NUMBER IS
Hi there
If you want to phone Bern direct, you can phone her on ...... This is the phone on her desk. Now I of course would love to still hear from you. So please do not stop phoning me. Just thought I will let you know her direct number. Enjoy your day
I sent this mail to the big bosses
Copy of Mail sent to ops and csd.
Hint hint, nudge nudge. Lol
Seriously, we need to keep this line open for incoming calls, as I do not receive calls for me anymore. Well I do from clients and happily, they do want to speak to me. They do not know how powerful and wonderful Bern is yet, and I am sure in time I will be transferring their calls too! lol
-o-
Well I received a call from one of the branches and they were giggling and said they have not memorized the other number and please can they speak to Bern! Funny people! Everyone is a comedian!
Don’t you envy my life!
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