The art of cooking!

The Art of Cooking!

I decided few years back to become a 'Floyd' & get creative in the kitchen, well, needless to say the result was less than, now how shall I put this......okay it was not quite what it should have been or what was expected!! Now, now folks....don’t get me wrong – I can cook!!! Ah...yes I can....only thing is I should leave the experiments to.....oh let’s say….. Dene (my younger brother) who is now a qualified chef!!

You know those big packets jumbo peanuts (salted).....well in my infinite wisdom I decided to make peanut brittle, I have made it before so this was not a first time adventure and even if I say so myself..... the first bunch was a great success!!!
So this is how it started.....I took the sugar, put it in a pot on the stove to melt to a lovely golden brown colour and when it was sticky and stringy and almost setting, I poured it over the peanuts in the roasting pan.....all good so far.....
Now we waited in anticipation and after what seemed like endless hours it was finally ready to eat!!! Being the connoisseurs of Peanut brittle that we are....of course we dove right in and munched away to our hearts content. Dene's comment was that it very tasty and I didn’t’ even bother replying or commenting....I was so busy doing my best chipmunk impression...my cheeks runneth over....

Much later when I was 'sweet' talking my over extended belly to lie either this way or that way and to please get comfortable did I realize that a stomach should not ever and I mean never try and hold that much air!!! Now I pride myself in my good manners when attacked with a bout of flatulence...... I mean real ladies know is what expected of them from birth.......or so I have been told.....but my Dear Ole Mum taught me my good manners...so I honestly do know!!

Well this was one of those occasions when manners went out the window with a gust of not so sweet smelling air as I held on to the bed covers for fear of them wafting out the room on the rather dense haze that was building up. I was mortified and horrified beyond words but running for hills or the bathroom in this case for privacy was a good as closing the door after the proverbial horse has bolted!! It seemed the whole house was under attack with family members all scurrying to try and find some privacy...... to no avail....

Poor ole Dene groaning from his room as he shouted at me down the very long passage. “OH MY God Shell you've asphyxiated me!” A burst of laughter from one end and a burst of....well not laughter from my other end was all I could manage in reply!!! My girls were still in Ireland thank goodness as this was one of those moment's mothers and daughters just should not share.

As you can well imagine the pets had by now disappeared trying to save themselves!! I try and I try but I still cannot say peanut brittle without bursting into laughter and....it doesn't end there...no there’s more..... A few days later Cait and Sarah arrived from Ireland and the offending peanut brittle was still there....waiting.....looking oh so good!! I just couldn't....nah.... just couldn't justify the 'effort' and expense of throwing it away....I, however, did not partake of the windy brittle......again!!! You better believe it.... i still look at peanut brittle in the shops but to this day and not that brave!

Cait, unfortunately, has a serious sweet tooth and before I could warn her (I did try.....honest) she tucked into it and a few hours later we heard her doing the machine gun dance down the passage and her giggling at the sheer(not actually mind blowing but blowing) strength of the peanut brittle!! I think she may have thought there was an element of exaggeration when I did get round to giving her a word of warning but hell it was funny watching her run from the lounge in embarrassment as she tried to hide in her room.......but jeez Cait, even the neighbours heard you!!
Anyone want the recipe.....one way to get your own back on any offenders or just have a laugh!! But it will cost you!
Speaking of recipes and disaster. - About 10 years ago after quite a long illness I had to take all types of medicine to heal the colon. I should have known about my peanut brittle back then! I was advised that I had to sort out my colon or it would be tickets for me.....what a way of putting it surely.........they could have found a nicer way??? Anyway I dutifully, like the good girl that I am, followed the doctor’s orders & drank this most vile, disgusting stuff, suffice to say, it either worked or it really is true, only the good die young!!!

One brand of medication I had to take was Agiolax, little granules you drink down with a glass of water, liquorice in colour but not in taste and not so nice to swallow!! Bern and I were away for our first weekend away, with friends, since my operation.

There we all are, in the kitchen and I have to drink this awful, not liquorice, stuff – so I put a teaspoon of it on my tongue & take a swig of water......the incomprehensible, most embarrassing spasm hit me......I swallowed and sneezed at the same time.......eeeiiiiuuuuu

Granules shot out my nose like bullets from a machine gun....hitting and spraying anyone in the line of fire. Everyone trying to duck but they hit the ground as they lost all ability to stand, duck, run as these little black bullets shot out my nose!!! It was in fact quite a while before in truth before they were able to pull themselves up off the floor gasping for breath and screaming with muscle ripping laughter!!!! NOT SO FUNNY IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS SUDDENLY ERUPTED FROM THE NOSE!!!.....Hhheeeeyyy stop laughing!!!

So the nose was like a nasal irrigation system all weekend, the colon not so good.....but hey my sense of smell was amazing!!!!So needless to say the Agiolax was pensioned, not to be taken again and PLEASE don't ever give me miniature liquorice all sorts......I want big pieces that cannot escape down the nasal passage.....ever!!!