This year has been a year of challenges, changes and new starts. Over the last two weeks I have been asked by my family why I have not blogged and what is going on?
The reason for this is not a simple one. Yes, my life has been filled with events and funny situations but I have to admit that I have been struggling a bit. Now I realize that my blog is not read by the world or even missed and I have had a few more rejections for my proposed books – the one I wrote for my children and a condensed version of my blog. Now I accept that I am not great literary genius and the book I wrote for my children 13 years ago was written out of desperation to communicate with my children while they were living with their dad during a traumatic time and we were all lost, hurt, and shattered.
Re-writing the children’s book has been a revelation and if no one ever wants to publish it then so be it. I will have it printed and bound for my children and this little story based on them and the imaginary world I created can be shared with their children and I will edit it and give to them as I intended to do all those years ago. As for my blog, I have been distracted with the publishers who want me to pay towards getting the book published and agents who admit they have not even read the prescribed pages I sent to them. Or the stereo type response, we appreciate your decision to send us your manuscript – however we are too busy or the content is not what we specialize in – or whatever they decide is the best way to say they think your work sucks and they would never represent me….. So I was a little distracted and had to accept that my daily occurrences or simple life is exactly that – simply put “My Life” I needed to remember why I started the blog in the first place.
Sarah asked me to do it and my friend Christine encouraged me to start my blog to share my funny moments, or my moments of tears as they were fun to read and interesting. This was never meant to be a book; it was a way to keep in touch with my family and my friends. After it was suggested I try to get it published, I began to focus on what is expected and what would be commercially viable and I believe lost the thread of what I was actually doing. Instead of writing because I love it and updating my family, I became concerned with what was acceptable to write about and what would be considered offensive and what may be construed in the wrong way – instead of just being me and letting it flow – I worried about diction and sentence structure and lost the joy of writing. I ask myself now while I sit here – why should I care. So what – my sentences may not be perfect, my word structure incorrect, comments made about how I write distracted me and criticism made me doubt myself ….. It is not as if I have many followers and it not as if my life will affect anyone else. This blog was created for my children first and foremost.
One day when it is my time to move on – they have a diary so to speak where if they choose they can go back and re-live our shared laughter and tears and hopefully this will help them with their healing as they face life and milestones they will face in the years to come without me.
Let me explain… we all miss out loved ones who have left us and are no longer available to chat to or visit. Moreover, there are many days when I wish I were able to have a bird’s eye view on our lost loved ones lives. When they were growing up or simply how they faced the challenges that I seem to face. My biggest loss and one I deal with every day is the loss of my parents, more specifically my mother as she was not only my mother she was my best friend. And no, this is not just a cliché, she really understood me and took the time to listen to me and we shared a bond that had this element of a spiritual connection. One I seem to share with my children thank goodness. I am not able to explain it, call it mother's intuition, but my mother knew when things were not great at home. When I was being bullied by my husband or when I felt totally lost as a mother and she would phone me. I of course had not told her what was going on as I wanted to spare her the stress and protect her from my bad choices – but somehow she always knew. She would phone and ask me what was wrong, and I would say I was fine and she would tell me not to lie to her, as she knew "everything was not great." Somehow, she just knew in her heart that my life was in shambles. That my health was suffering, or I was lost or my children were not doing so well. I miss those phone calls and I miss her guidance. She never judged, she never corrected me, she simply allowed me to share my pain and supported me and loved me regardless of what I had done or the choices I had made.
I promised myself that I would try and live up to the very high standards she set as a mother and not be an interfering mother, but to be a mother that my children trusted and knew they could turn to no matter what. I hope I have achieved some of what my mother taught me and I hope my children will forgive me for my failures as I know I have failed them. What mother does not feel she has failed her children – we want so much more for them and we inevitably fail but in my case, I really do try my absolute best to be the mother they deserve. Instinctively I know when they are having a hard time or struggling or simply in a dark place and I phone them and visit them and try to help them face what they are facing. However, I am also realistic, life is short and there will be a day when they will not have me and I hope my blog will give them something to hold onto and remember and re-live our great life we shared. This is why I started the blog and this is why I have decided I will carry on until I either have nothing left to say (no chance of that as I seem to have a lot to say even if it’s of no consequence and I also face situations that can only be described as unbelievable and out of the ordinary) or until I decide I simply have said enough.
There are so many questions I wish I had asked my mother while she was with us, so many things I wish I knew, simple day to day questions and after I left for South Africa I missed my family tremendously. After my mother passed away we had to go through my mother’s belongings, I found her box of mementoes and was able to sit there and go through them and relive memories we shared. I smiled at the fact that she had kept our school reports, our athletic certificates, special moments, letters, pictures and her most treasured box, those gifts her children made for her through the years. Two boxes that she had kept and treasured which I know she looked at when she felt she needed a boost. This helped me with the healing process after she left us with no time to be prepared – she simply went to sleep and never woke up. Her box of treasures helped me face life and get on with what was expected of me. With this in mind, I decided that I would like my children to be a witness to my life and to things that happen while they live their lives and continue in their journey of life. I like the idea that even though they are not with me, they are aware of what is happening. I also enjoy reminiscing about their childhood as through the years memories fade and incidents become forgotten or simply they were too young to remember them. Sharing my child hood with them is also important I believe, as I know so little about my mother’s childhood. Which is ludicrous as she was my mother – but that is the cycle of life, as children we focus on our immediate surroundings and our little world and its only when we become parents are we aware of how little our children know about our childhood. Hopefully the glimpses I give my children into my childhood help them to know me as a child, a teenager, a young bride, a mother and hopefully one day a grandmother. Like a side show all jumbled up which will mean something to them and make them smile when they need a smile or help them shed their tears when they need to let go and release the pain they feel. The slide show of my life, my love, my challenges, my giggles and mostly my wonderful children who made this all worthwhile and nothing can replace the gift I was given when they entered my life.
So what if my book is never published, this is for my children.
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