Last weekend Bern and I went to Johannesburg for my Aunts 80th Birthday. I should have known by how nervous I was that this was not going to be an evening of celebrations and toasts and good food.
My nerves were in a state because I had not seen most of the guests for many years and some of them I had seen last when I was still married to my first husband 20 years ago. A lot has changed since then obviously, I love my family, and I realize that not all of them were aware of my decisions and choices and my life with Bern. A decision that has changed my life and given me a place I can call home and feel safe. Now my life changing choice has never been a secret and we have connected through face book so I would have thought they had seen the photos of Bern and I and my status, however I was nervous because I expected the inevitable questions.We were late for the surprise party even though we left with plenty of time to get to the venue… but the traffic had other ideas and to add insult to injury there was road works on the high way bringing the traffic to one lane and to further complicate matters there was a super link truck which had overturned on the highway. This added to my nerves and my state of panic increased. My Aunt whose birthday it was is a special soft gentle person who is absolutely adorable. She had met Bern and was aware of Bern being in my life, but I think possibly she did not fully understand our commitment, and simply accepted that Bern was sharing a home with me. Bern and I made the decision not to make a big thing of it and try to explain it to her. We figured if the need to explain arouse we would explain our life together to her. This situation never arouse and we simply left it at that.
We finally arrived at the venue and Bern and I walked into the restaurant and could feel everyone’s eyes on us. I greeted everyone and I have to admit that after 20 years I did not recognize some of my cousins, which was very embarrassing. It seems everyone recognized me which I have no idea is a good thing or a bad thing. Apparently, I look like my mother so my Aunt was quite over whelmed to see me. I introduced Bern, went around the table greeting everyone, and admired the new addition to our family, my cousin is now a Grandmother and I congratulated her and her son and daughter in law and went around the table saying hello to everyone – all the while praying that I would recognize everyone. My oldest cousin asked me who Bern was, which in itself is to be expected but it was not done discreetly – I simply looked at him and told him she is my partner. So he asked the question that most people do not realize you do not ask Gay couples “Who is the husband?” I explained that in our type of relationship there is no husband. I then added for my audience “If I wanted a husband, I would simply choose a man as they had the extra appendage that I have no use for anymore. I know this may seem rude, but his question in a restaurant full of guests was rude.
I knew this was the beginning of more grilling and steadied my nerves and carried on greeting everyone. I did not recognize one of my cousins as I was 23 when I saw him last and we have both changed – so I think I can be forgiven for that lapse in my memory. Well the greetings were over and I made my way around the table until a waiter decided he needed me to make way for him. So I stepped aside – not realizing there was a row of bricks just about two inches higher that the floor and in three seconds flat after my introductions…
I tripped over the bricks, which enclosed a flowerbed. I crumbled onto the floor with such grace and elegance and hoped no one noticed as disappeared behind a pillar. More fool me, of course everyone noticed. I did not yell out in pain, although there was a lot to yell about as I landed on my knees (like in prayer) ripped my toe nail off my second smallest toe and sat there like a sack of potatoes wishing the floor would simply open up and swallow me. My cousin then asked me if I fell, I mean really what a stupid question, I looked at him and replied – no I decided to say grace all on my own – then added of course I fell, and no I have not been drinking.
When the life returned to my legs and the stars stopped flashing in my head, I stood up and looked around for Bern. She was nowhere to be seen. I asked my cousin if he knew where Bern was and this is when the questions continued. I decided this was not the time to get into the questions about my sexuality and my life and smiled and thankfully saw Bern return to the party with drinks in her hands. She deiced to avoid the borrowing eyes, go, and look for a place to buy drinks. Bern and I sat down and I turned to the Host of the party and heaved a sigh of relief – I took a sip of my drink and placed my drink back on the table – only to see my glass tipple over and spill onto his laptop.
It just could not get any worse than that so I thought. The tables were single tables joined together and this created an uneven surface and I was now shattered and beyond embarrassed. I quickly grabbed my glass but the damage had been done. It was then explained to me that the laptop actually belonged to his 12-year-old daughter and the plan had been to log on and to connect with our family worldwide who were unable to attend the party. I turned to Bern and said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear without actually shouting – “I think it is time for me to leave!” I swear I was completely lost in my thoughts of how I could escape and try not to offend the family anymore than I had already. I was already the Black sheep of the family – two divorces, now living with a woman and my social skills were limited. This was not going to be my night!
The evening progressed and to my relief I was not the only one who had not been aware of the tables being joined as this was covered by table cloths – drinks were spilled and wiped up and the dinner continued. I knew there was more questions and cross examinations coming and whenever we stopped for a smoke break in-between courses I was approached by my Cousin who being the oldest was nominated as the one who had to ask me questions. By now I decided that enough was enough - I do not ask them about their personal lives and how things work for them and basically told him that all that mattered was that I was happy and out of danger and for him to leave it at that.
In my opinion which I did not share that night -Simply put, whom I live with and whom I sleep with and what I do in my life is my business and I would never dream of asking them about their personal stuff. What gives anyone the right to ask me about my life simply because I live with a woman? Really is there a manual out there that has a list of questions people ask gay couples, and they feel that this is all right to invade my privacy and simply ask questions. They would never dream of asking their friends or work colleagues the questions I am asked. Moreover, my absolute favourite response “I have nothing against Gays!” Why label people or me – why not simply shut up. I mean really do we go to straight people and say, “I have nothing against straight couples”. These questions about when did you change, and how does it work and who is the “male” in the relationship are insulting and quite bloody pointless.
The evening was not only an inquisition it was very nerve racking. Once I calmed down and decided this was what I had expected, and to keep my wits about me and not let the questions offend me, I started to relax and enjoy the evening. It was lovely, I decided to hell with what people thought, and their perceptions, this was about my Aunt reaching the wonderful age of 80 and how lucky we were to have her in our lives and Bern and I made the best of it. The evening did however end abruptly and I had nothing to do with this. The weather turned very nasty and before we knew it, everyone was packing up and leaving as the rain poured down. Quick goodbyes were said and vague suggestions that we keep in contact as everyone dashed to their cars. I was so relieved the dinner was over. Hugged my aunt goodbye, thanked the Host and Hostess for arranging this event for my aunt, apologized once again for spilling my drink on their daughter’s laptop, and ran to the car.
I sat in the car and hid my face in my hands and repeated over and over “Why me, why me?” I cannot tell you how horrible the beginning of the evening was for me and I then showed Bern my injuries. Two bruised knees, one very tender leg where I am sure the reconstruction plate on my shin had been jolted and shifted and finally my ripped toenail and I felt very sorry for myself.
We returned to Sarah’s place where we were staying. Sarah’s little one bed roomed flat was overflowing with people who loved as for who we were and it felt like a refuge in a storm when we arrived. The house was overflowing, Sarah, her boyfriend, Caitlin and her “New” potential friend, and Shane. Quite a house full and we felt quite at home. Admittedly, Bern and I did not stay up for long and after explaining how our evening progressed, we said good night and went o bed. The journey to Johannesburg and the party had taken its toll on me I have to admit as I struggle with long distances.
We returned to Durban after a wonderful late breakfast with Bern’s sister and her mom and that was the perfect ending to a stressful weekend.
Our animals were so pleased to see us and greeted us with such excitement and love where it does not matter who you live with or what you do for a living - Home sweet home!
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