Then I received Neotel. Now this is the satellite telephone and Internet system. Oh my goodness so many pieces, so many discs to load, so many instructions. I was quite appalled. My heat started to throb the minute I saw all the parts necessary and then the booklet of instructions is a bloody manual – one that has been translated from Chinese so the instructions need instructions to translate!
So I decided to see just how clever I was.
With the sweat beads building on my forehead, I sat and stared at the phone and Internet router. I could feel my heart beginning to race. My face became red and my feet started to swell and I am sure I got a hundred more wrinkles trying to look into the screen to see what was happening. Like some magic secret world behind the screen that I am just not privy to. I swear they have little people who live in the screen pushing the alphabet around to form sentences. And those smiley faces are actually the little people……
You have no idea how intimidating this type of thing can be. Even setting up a computer was such a big thing for me; when Mat was 8, I just told him to do it. Kids you see have no fear of breaking anything technically minded. They go into programmes and play and see what options there are, and just seem to speak the “Dos” language (is that the right word?”)
I remember when computers came out and they filled a room and needed air-conditioning to keep the main fame thingy cool. You were considered a “GOD” if you knew computer and had to undertake aptitude tests and were paid the salary of a king. And that room fill of computer only ran the invoices!
It was so confusing and I mean the telex machine was a miracle to me. You typed on this yellow strip and fed it into the machine, pressed a button and hey presto the people on the other side got it.
Then the fax machine, well that was beyond comprehension for me. So imagine me trying to understand wireless technology and Internet and routers.
A friend asked me to put my blog on Twitter…. I am still trying to work out Face Book and this Blog thing. Twitter? Is that not the sound a bird makes? So here I sit on the day that my Neotel arrived and panic set in. I immediately skyped Bernadette to advise of the rising Panic and she said to wait till she got home. Her confidence in my technical abilities is astounding – can’t say I blame her; but this made me even more determined. I had been out of contact and tele -communication for nearly three months and I was not waiting another second. Patience is not something I am good at.
My Skype (another amazing thing – don’t bother trying to explain how it works…I would be lost as soon as you said “It's simple”)
Have you ever noticed when asking for instructions, directions for how to solve a math problem, the minute the person says “It's simple; it’s easy, Dead easy, a child could solve it” your brain seems to have this button that says,
“Oh my Goodness, I cannot admit that I am stupid and cannot listen because what if I do not understand, they will really think I am an imbecile and then everyone will know you were the dunce of the class” so you sit there and smile and nod approvingly and smile at the right places in the conversation, all the while saying to yourself
“I can see their lips moving and hear noises coming out their mouth – but for the life of me I cannot understand a word they are saying.”
Well that is me, never ever try to give me directions or ask me to give directions you will land up in a broom closet or worse Bloemfontein when all you wanted was to go to the nearest Cafe'. The person will start with “Oh that’s easy! – see now I am already lost. How about telling me that it is quite difficult and maybe I will pay attention and decide to take on the challenge and listen and make notes. This by the way helps me not a diddly squat. I write down copious notes, read them back and low and behold………… I still get lost, because the imbecile told me 4 robots, now is that four robots from the road you told me to look for; or is it 4 robots after the road you told me to turn left into. Or they have forgotten one robot so the directions are wrong. So I carry on driving hoping that divine intervention will just hit me like a crack of lightening and I will magically be uplifted and beamed to the destination. (Beam me up Scotty – OK; OK so I watch Star Trek and watched it again just two nights ago – so I can believe in warp speed and believe that people can be beamed up and away – but I struggle to understand how sending a mail or a sms works) any way getting back to directions.
This is how I handled the directions before the Famous Navigator Phone was given to me.
It started when I moved to Johannesburg from Ladysmith Natal. Now Ladysmith was not large in those days. As my girls will tell me “Mom you are from the days when Ox Wagons had Keys!” Now in my defense, I grew up in a small town called Hartley, now called Chegutu in Zimbabwe.
Robots or Traffic lights as the Foreign visitors will correct you when you give directions, it’s not a robot it is a Traffic Light. (I just make up direction for them, sorry but it s true, 1. Because I have no idea where I am most of the time and
2. They wouldn’t understand me in any case)
Chegutu had only Stop Streets, many Garages and workshops because this is a farming community and everyone knew everyone. So I get married and am Beamed off to Ladymsith by my ever so wonderful “Husband”, OK this is a big enough adjustment for me, then we are beamed of to Knysna, the most expensive place in South African – a retirement village with a view. Everyone who has money owns a house there so we really did not fit in. After struggling there for three years, we are beamed back to Ladysmith. Yes!!!; I feel the solid ground under my feet, reconnect with my “alien buddies I made previously and embark on the challenge of learning the Courier Industry.
This was very exciting for me and I had to Travel around to the Regional Areas, but this was also good, the towns were small and I could drive around and after getting maps and direction which I did not write down I was well on my way to feeling confident.
Well you know what they say, when things seem to be going well and all is great with the world; chaos awaits. My “husband” lost his job so we managed to find him a Job in Johannesburg. This was a very big move for me. Three kids, the youngest being 6 months old. Off we traipse to Johannesburg. There was no beaming this time, no super Warp and no great aliens waiting for us. Only traffic, roads, Robots, traffic Cameras, and High ways and CRIME Like I had never ever seen or experienced. I felt like Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz but without my precious magical red shoes. Now it was high shoes and Lycra stocking and short mini skits for me in those days….
Totally out of my comfort Zone and so scared. Luckily for me I managed to get a transfer with my company and with a lot of courage I braved the high ways and high rise buildings and just did my job.
Every appointment I made I asked for Land marks for directions. Robots just did not work for me. I asked for Highway names and off ramp names and somehow I managed to get to my clients and we did not have cell phones to phone and ask for directions. All we had was prayer. Believe me prayer worked. My bother Dene says he has a G Garmin. God Garmin and he uses it all the time. A little Prayer “God I am lost, please help me; show me where I need to go? Has never let him down.
My God Garmin is faulty; I always turn left instead of right. I have this debate with, myself every time. If my instinct says turn Right, I know I have to turn left; but do I listen? No never. So I drive for Kilometers only to have to do a U turn and back track. You think I would have learnt by now, but I want to believe in Instinct but I seem to have a faulty Instinct button for directions and people; but I have accepted that and work around it.
Back to my introduction to Johannesburg and the traffic and high ways and cars and fear.
I would put the direction on my steering wheel with press stick and follow them. I even had one designed to get me home as I was terrified I would miss the on ramp for the high way. I only stopped using it after three months. A real scary cat that is me. On arrival at my destination, I would take 5 minutes or 10 to compose myself. Un-freeze my hands that were clenching the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles were white. Take a deep breath. – fix my war paint and walk in all confident and accept the challenge of the sales call I was on. Good times; which went from bad to even worse. Within 3 months of arriving in Johannesburg, my ever wonderful “Husband” decided that his 28 year old wife just did not cut it and he had the audacity to trade me in on an 18 year old. That was really traumatic – but I coped with my three kids and needless to say what does not kill you makes you stronger.
I bet I have the heart of a Bull crossed Dragon I must be so strong….I am one of the strongest people you have ever met – ok; ok maybe one of the strangest people you have ever met. But I look back and am grateful for the divine guidance I was given and that I survived and my children are quite even balanced (Most of the time) and we are a family that faces challenges together.
Shew! I think I got side tracked again; where was I? See I even need directions and instructions when it comes to my Blog. I think I was talking about Technology and Neotel.
I sat there, put the thing together, "A” goes on sprocket "xx" and so forth. I am surprised it worked and when I finally got the Internet working and my emails I decided I am a Frikin Genius. I immediately skyped my Technical Genius Boss Erich and boasted and told him how wonderful I was. His response “Michelle it is Child Play!” Clearly not impressed with my genius or my interruption!
Now that is true, a child would have put it together in two minutes flat and given me that blank stare of are you so totally stupid…. And you irritate me and I hate you look. We have all seen that look in our children’s eyes at one time or another.
So I sat at my desk, no longer basking in my genius, feeling “Oh woe is me” and so sorry for myself. Do people not realize what an achievement that was for me? To this day I still cannot swap from the TV to the DVD channel, so that was quite amazing. I have to phone Matt or Sarah or Cait and ask them how to swap from the TV to the DVD channel; and if I am on the music channel I have no idea how to get back to the TV series or movies. I land up listening to music too scared to press button as I may just blow the thing up.
Last week my friend Rose told me about loading Mixit on the computer. Now for those who are like me and technically impaired. Mixit is a cheap way to chat on your cell phone and you can chat to anyone all over the world. (I won’t even try to understand that technology)
So I dutifully down load it, and it asks for user names and passwords. Now that is me stumped. How am I to remember which user name I used and what password? I eventually get that going by sending them a sms asking for my password. I see it and smack myself on the head and wonder what ever possessed me to use that PASSWORD. I have never ever used it. Talk about trying to keep people guessing if they want to see my mixit; I kept myself guessing.
Anyway so I loaded it and had trouble reading any messages sent to me because the font colour was too light for my screen. You cannot change the font colour on your computer, so went to the online help desk.
This is the format:
ME: Can you please advise me how to change the font colour on my screen on my PC for mixit?
ON LINE ADVISOR: You can’t the sender needs to?
ME: Thank you. Now can you tell me, if I log off where do I find it on my computer again?
ON LINE ADVISOR: Huh?
ME: (now I am getting frustrated – what is so hard to understand about my question; so I type slowly as this person is clearly as technically deprived as me)
I have saved the Mixit setting on my computer as your instructions advised. Now when I log off, where do I find Mixit again when I need to use it on my PC?
ON LINE ADVISOR: where did you save it?
ME: I saved it on IGoogle
ON LINE ADVISOR: NO! You have saved it on y our PC, but where?
ME: Huh? (My turn to use mixit lingo)
ON LINE ADVISOR: Is there not some who can help you in your office?
ME: what you mean is, do I not have a child I can ask for help as you clearly think I am not up to the challenge
ON LINE ADVISOR:……………………………..SILENCE (end of conversation from their side)
Technology, Black Berry Phones, Routers, Wireless connection, mails, sms, these are a few of my favourite things…..
Forget... Whiskers on Kittens and warm woolen mittens from the sound of Music.
We have to upgrade our lives and one day one day I will be beamed up or time warped and knowing my luck part of my body will land up in another dimension then I will really be lost. Let’s hope the part the lands up in another dimension has a cure for soft flabby body parts and returns it to in pristine 18 year old condition. Good luck to them if they undertake to fix and do a makeover with my old body parts.
However the 18 year old body will really look out of place on the face I have earned through all my challenges. I sit here, ready for the challenge of technology and wonder if I will ever learn how to change from DVD to the TV channel, but at least I got the Internet working and the phone. Quite bloody brilliant- that’s me – so tonight I will endeavour to list to Mat when he says in his exasperated voice “MOM it’s dead easy?”………. and I will try to listen to the words coming out of his mouth but I am not making any promises.
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