Wardrobe Malfunctions

Wardrobe Malfunctions!

This is the mail I received from Sarah this morning and of course I just had to use it in my blog today. Finally have a few minutes to do one……
Hello my mommy

This how my morning started

didn’t wanna climb out of bed this morning but then the maid arrived and i was quickly kicked back into reality!!! So i dragged my tired ass out of bed and into the shower and only turned the shower on when i climbed in and proceeded to burn parts while the water went from HOT to warm. I then climbed out, told cait to get up and climb into the shower. i then walked over the door, shouted out the door to the maid that we just wanna get dressed then she can come in.

Then put on underwear the pants then realised i had my sisters underwear on, took pants off then underwear threw hers across the room, found my underwear put it on and finished getting ready. Then lit a smoke!!!!!!

Bern’s comment to this mail was “Sarah must have thought her boobs had grown and thought OH F MY LIFE" because Cait is not as well endowed as my angel Sarah. Sorry Cait bit its true!!

At her 21st party Mark asked everyone to use a few words to describe Sarah on a scroll, well double D was used a lot, Booby girl and wow and great curves and of course the normal, wonderful comments but the majority was to compliment her Dolly Parton extras.

I would love to have been there when she had her tantrum and threw the clothes across the room as I do that often as what fitted last year now looks like an extra skin I am wearing. Not even granny pants work with the bumps and curves. My friend Donne will agree with this I am sure - as we attended a work party many years ago and we were all dressed up to the nines. Wearing our evening gowns and trying to hide the extra non flattering rolls and bumps.

We sat down at the table and she complained that she could not breath and that her cleavage was now sitting under her chin and had increased in size. Well after laughing at her she explained that she was wearing what I refer to as body armour to hold in the curves. This only pushed the fat up which pushed her cleavage up and she was having trouble breathing from the tightness. This comment really tickled out fancy and we giggled and joined in and were actually told to be quiet at the awards ceremony.

What with Bern singing whenever the spot light hit our table “At first I was afraid” spot light moves, only to come back 30 seconds later and she would burst into song again , her wine glass as her Microphone …”I was petrified” … picture it in your head, all of us donned up like sausages in tight fitting dresses (well not Bern now that would be funny…no she was elegant in her Chinese shirt and pants.) with the most impressive settings and we are being hooligans complaining about the food and Bern signing for us and entertaining us in the middle of the awards ceremony.

Then there is always that loudness where you have to talk above the clapping hands and shouts of congratulations when someone from another table received a prize and all the rewards that go with it.. (None from our table qualified…I wonder why that is? We were such good examples to our co-workers …. NOT SO MUCH) any way I digress again. During one of these loud outburst Donne started telling us about her body armour or as she referred to it “Passion Killers.”

"Well if my partner wants to get lucky tonight he had better be a good boy scout and bring his pen knife to bed. Or maybe he should just find a machete as these passion killers are now part of my body grafted into me…. And I sure as hell anit going with getting lucky tonight!" But as she was saying the last part the room fell silent so everyone heard about how her partner would need to become this adventurer if he wanted to get lucky that evening.

Of course we burst out laughing again and were shushed up once again. Well we enjoyed our evening and Donne did indeed need help cutting off the passion killers for the evening, in fact it had nothing to with the need for passion that she had to cut them off, it was the need to breathe that won in the end.

We have all had wardrobe malfunctions of this I am sure. (Like the time I went to see my new client dressed like a Christmas tree, florals and glitter and stripes – mentioned in my blog about wanting kill my son and needing to find the gym handle so I can totally sympathize) The other morning while getting dressed I grabbed my white bra and put it on and was a little concerned but quite pleased if truth be told. No matter how I adjusted the body parts the bra was just too big. Pat ;pat, move body parts around ..bend over to let gravity fill the bra, pat; pat; pull ;pull but nothing worked I still had this extra material that was sticking forming a cone shaped bra..like our mother wore in the 60’s - HORRORS OF HORRORS

Now I have been battling with the November/December increase in weight and was telling myself that I must have lost weight in the boobs…as I just could not get them to fill out the bra no matter how I danced around and jiggled the boobs.

So I took it off and realized that I was actually trying to put Bern’s Bra on and this is when I because very distressed….. It was not that big on me and Bern wears a few sizes bigger than me. That’s it I decided right there and then, diet, boob reduction and self deprivation was called for. Not a good way to start the day…… well not that I have many good starts to my day of late with my crazy malfunctioning animals.

The other day we had our friend Val over for dinner and she was so enthralled with our animals until Beast ran through with my bra on his head. Well now she totally adores him and says we should have named him T..T head. Oh yes the joys of wardrobe malfunctions and animals.

So here is to wardrobe malfunctions and passion killers and mad animals. Nothing that a good glass of wine can’t fix. Thank you Sarah for the giggle I needed today after a long week.