I wish I was taller!

I was telling Sarah about my weekend and that I know I need to find new material for my blog.... but she assured me that Jinx and Beast make for good reading. In fact she says IT"S FUNNY AS HELL...... WELL I have finally decided that I really am insane or must have done something really bad in another life time.

The weekend was not a bad one, it was quite lovely.. A little hot but bearable. Even with ear ache I managed to enjoy the weekend and Sunday was Valentine’s Day so it was special…. But I have finally worked out that Jinx and Beast have been sent to test me. This is my conversation I had with Sarah and my cousin Ronelle today on gmail and Skype…. You can hear my desperation! I am sure Sarah (Janey) and Ronelle thinks it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Gee I thought teenagers were bad….

I was telling my Cousin about Jinx and Beast this weekend.

Me: suppose I can be funny without even trying. Had Bern in stitches again last night coz I threatened to kill Jinx and Beast.

I lost it coz they destroyed my cotton wool and she thought this was very funny coz when they ate my phone, or her shoes, or the cupboard or the charger I did not react -but they ate my cotton wool. And I had to pick it up all over the carpet...and what happens when I bend down to their level? Eye level so to speak? ....

THIS IS NOT FUNNY I threatened to shove it up their behinds. It’s like they think I am their toy and as I am on the floor on my knees picking up their mess... I obviously need to be loved, licked, bitten and slobbered on!

My Cousin: well of course you do - part of the pack and all that. Time you reminded them that you are the alpha female, and not the toy! LOL…..had good laugh thanks….

I then cut and pasted my conversation with my Cousin to Sarah on gmail just to share the events that transpired….

Me: alpha female...... not bloody likely I am their squeak toy - As they love to bite me to hear my reaction. Janey they are going to kill me still. The way they sneak up on me.

Sarah: hahahahahahahah it’s so so funny.

Me: I do not think so, becoming quite paranoid. Think I need to either change my deo or ....I don’t know what. Wear granny pants for protection all the time. Bern thinks it’s bloody hilarious - She friking rolls on the bed with laughter when they sneak attack me. Like guerrilla warfare
I resign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah: you can’t resign from being the squeak toy

Me: I can and I do

Sarah: you can’t and you know you won’t

Me: well I quit but they won’t accept my resignation. In frustration I sent this sms to Bern this morning.....

Note to self. DO NOT SIT ON THE BATH EDGE WAITING FOR WATER TO COOL DOWN with butt hanging over edge like the lava from a volcano.... can you guess why?

Well Bern’s response was… Madam Jinx….? (it does not take genius to work out that Jinx has struck again!)

My response to Bern via sms ......

Well I was sitting there moving the water around and Jinx, decided to give me a lick!!!! I was not impressed and landed up slipping into the hot water sideways legs crossed and was trapped in the damn bath so I did the ..."try and turn around while being wedged in the narrow part of the bath", looked like a bloody beetle on my back trying to untangle my legs. And it’s not funny so stop laughing

Sarah: god you should be a stand up squeaky toy!

Me: oh thank you. Maybe if I was a little taller I wouldn’t be the perfect target and bloody squeak so much as my butt is Jinx's eye level and maybe just maybe she would look for another squeak toy.

-0-

Well as you can imagine this was not how I wanted to start my Monday morning, feeling like a pretzel in my bath, trying to untangle my legs without drowning myself and aggravating my already throbbing ear with water gushing in as I finally managed to gain some balance.

I arrived at work quite flustered and the temperature is rising outside so I must say I am not at my best. So I wonder into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and cannot find my coffee cups. Well I try to see into the top of the cupboards, no matter how hard I try to stand on my tippy toes, I cannot see into the top of the cupboard. So do I do what any sane person would do? Do I ask one of the taller people to assist me, do I grab a chair or even think before I react. NO I DO NOT.

I climb onto the kitchen counter. Not an easy task when you are short in stature; and not as supple as you used to be. I lean against the kitchen counter. Use my arms to lift my body onto the kitchen counter. My arms are shaking like jelly as …oh hell I am not fit anymore and my arms are like pieces of liquorices, no strength at all. I sit their half on half off, toes not touching the ground anymore and dangle for a few seconds, slip off the counter and land on my feet ever so gracefully like a ballerina (NOT SO MUCH!).

(Height difference) (And Bern not the tallest person either!)

Now I decide, I will do the bend the knees - do a few practice bends – up and down to get the momentum going and then grab the counter facing it with my back and jump/hop onto the counter.

This I manage to get right and sit there on the counter catching my breath and feeling quite proud of myself for achieving this huge feat. I managed to jump up, pull myself up onto a kitchen counter… whoop whoop I am the queen of the jungle today --I tell myself and do the victory punch. I made it… and no bones were broken, no need for transplants for shredded body parts and no surgery needed for gouged arms or legs. Today was going to be a good day.

I then scoot over and very carefully climb onto the counter to look in the top of the cupboard still feeling quite proud of myself. A lot hotter than I was a few minutes before because of the effort required to lift my body onto the counter… but hey I did it. Looking in the cupboards.... I find no coffee cups. Now I feel my temperature rising a little more. I sit of the counter, slip off without injuring myself. See that I have managed to get a wet spot on my jeans from sitting on a wet counter but tell myself that I don’t care and go searching for my coffee cups.

Oh well I found them …… in my office; can you believe it, the last place I look is the first I should have looked. I remembered putting them there when I left on Friday (old age is creeping up on me!) as I was tired of having to wash them after the staff had helped themselves. As I said not a good start to my Monday.

I often ask myself what difference it would have made to our Creator’s great plans to give me a few more centimeters in height. I mean really would it have caused a worldwide epidemic, or a plague of mass destruction? I have the delight of never being able to use the top shelves in my kitchen and my children and helpers have the delight of putting everything on the top shelf just to see me try to jump/hop grab the goods off the shelf. I mountain climb on the counters, or climb on the shelves in my cupboard to reach the top cupboards on top of all wall to wall cupboards. I have broken more shelves by doing this and I cannot tell you how frustrating it is when I call for Matt to come help and he does not even stretch, does not even break into a sweat. No he simply extends his arm and grabs whatever I need off the shelf.

My mother had the same problem I do. I think it would be called in today’s politically correct world- “height disadvantaged” - short is short no matter how you try to colour it with clever words….

She used to call for her Step Ladder, which was usually my ex-husband as he was 6ft or a visitor, never me as I was only ½ inch taller than her. Now don’t laugh half an inch taller means a lot to me…. And I made sure my mother was aware of it as often as I could…lol, little did I know that you shrink as you get older so there goes my advantage of that ½ an inch.

Being short, oh well I can find no Pro’s. I cannot reach the peddles in large vehicles- when i was pregnant with my three angels I could not get close enough to the steering wheel to be able to reach the peddles and i had a permanent circle of the steering wheel on my clothes - I need to slip out of 4 x 4 which have those big tyres on; trying desperately not to let go of the handle until I found solid ground with my dangling foot. I get assisted by a tow vehicle and he has to lift me out of the tow truck so I can get out of it. Talk about embarrassing, a stranger lifting you out of a vehicle because you cannot reach the step on the vehicle to get out of the tow truck.

(Height difference- I may as well be his under arm roll-on deo)

I cannot reach goods on the top shelves in a supermarket, and to add insult to injury in my senior year at high school I was often mistaken for a junior and sent to the tuck shop by another senior. Quite humiliating for the Athletics Captain (me) I might add. Oh yes the joys of being short, the only time this has ever helped me is when I was at school and the kids were lined up for some school function and no one see me as I am watching the back of their heads and therefore cannot be picked for some menial task or humiliation by the teachers or prefects.

I suppose my children can never accuse me of talking down to them. No I have to look up to all of them and this does not give a sense of authority when you feel the need to advise or scold them. All I get for my efforts are “MOM you are so Cute" and I get my cheeks pinched a lot and my hair ruffled by my children. I am called hobbit and teased about my nonexistent height and try as hard as I can, I can never be menacing when I stand up for myself as I am always looking up at the person I am talking to admonishing. I see the smirks and smiles on the person's face and I just stare back at them and stand my ground but must admit even to myself that I feel quite insignificant in the larger scale of life.

I have tried the wearing high shoes, but all that happens is look like Minnie Mouse in her heels in the cartoons… knees bent and body wobbly and pathetic as I try to master the art of walking on what might as well be stilts.

At least I have my sense of humour and have finally accepted that I need to find my kitchen step ladder or just give up on wanting to use the paraphernalia on the top shelves in my house or just nail them shut so no mean spirited person can put goods on the top shelves thereby preventing me from using them.

I have decided my being short is the reason my lovely animals see me as their toy….. hence my conversation with Sarah and my cousin this morning.

The revenge of the height disadvantaged will be mine one day – of this I am sure. (Not so Much).