I am sure we have all had days when we want to dance with joy and act like complete idiots no matter who is watching. (I seem to have a lot of those days don’t I?) Or dance in the isle of a supermarket or a music shop where you suddenly become Barbra Streisand and sing along or worse still sing to ABBA where you have to do the silhouette style dance and shake your hips and long for those wonderful boots and sparkly outfits. (Not so much! I hear some of you say)Well today is a day where I feel like breaking it down, all alone in my office with celebrating my new accounts I signed up today and feeling quite “special” (Yes you guessed it) ABBA in the back ground a huge smile on my face (this may be due to the fact that it’s a grimaces as I am sitting on a bruised behind thanks to …….no prizes for guessing drum roll please… JINX) – pondering how wonderful some days are and how thank goodness its Friday. BUT I won’t be dancing around, I won’t be looking for my ABBA outfit and I may be singing along but with as little effort as is required because we are experiencing a heat wave once again. I swear this is the end of days and we are being given a taste of what is in store for those of us who are not prepared for the afterlife ….or those of us who haven’t bought their ARC yet for 1012 when the world is supposed to be ending, we are in for a hot time before we drown!
I have been known to dance while preparing dinner or when a lovely song comes on the radio or music system, but I have learnt not to do this with Fiona my white Alsatian present. She gets so excited she nips me on my behind; a trick she seems to have taught Jinx to do really well, (I really must have a chat to her about that – it’s not nice to bite mommy’s bum even if you think it is Madam Fiona) It’s not just dancing that excites her, its if you decide to play catches with your girls, somehow I get the bite of excitement and Fiona has this way of grinning at you which is so adorable and you can’t help but love her more even with a shredded Butt. Bern and the kids really find this amusing I have to add. Well with Jinx there is no need for dancing or running or anything for that matter. 
The other night I had just gotten out of the bath and was very innocently standing next to my bed in a day dream state, should be called night dream state, thinking about how hot it was and that I should maybe just find a way to put the bed in the pool when I screamed without any thought or planning F%^&#*^… B*&#H…. Bern looked up at me horrified as she thought I was speaking to her. I turned around to try and smack the little Brat (NO NOT BERN) Jinx had run into the room, and snuck up to me and had nipped my butt again. What is it about my Butt…? I mean yes it’s as big as a bloody dart board, but they never bite anyone else’s Butt - just mine. I swear I am going to wear body armour. It has become so bad that when I get out the bath and dry myself my butt faces the bath and I lean on the loo to dry the feet. Gone are the days of being able to just get out, lean on the bath and bend to dry my toes…..no I learnt my lesson the hard way and I must say in not such a nice way. I nearly drowned as I was very innocently bending over drying my toes and felt this searing pain in my nether region and I jumped away and flopped into the bath head first. I swear I could hear Jinx laughing all the way down the passage as she ran off in delight and my threats of killing her.
Back to my shout out of forbidden words in the bedroom….Bern looked at me in horror as I said and Exclaimed “SHEW Baby that’s a bit harsh isn’t it; you have never called me that to my face! And then she had the bad manners to burst out laughing as I examined my Butt in the mirror expecting to see huge puncture holes that would require surgery and a transplant and an ambulance and the blood was sure to be pouring down my leg and I was trying not to move as I knew this would just make the blood shoot out in torrents - but all I got was a nice bruise and a delighted DOG!
Now Little Beast has obviously been watching him mummy in action and all he can reach is my knees, so I get the “nip hello” on my knees as often as he can amble over to me in his slow motion. Not so nice when I climb out the car and turn to grab my bag when I arrive home from work, for my efforts I get a nip on the butt greeting and nibble on the knees with pin sharp teeth! I swear I will land up on some cold metal table at the morgue and they will not be able to determine the cause of death. The many possible causes of death will be very evident except the one that most probably killed me….. Insanity. Has anyone died from Insanity because we are thinking of getting another addition to our wonderful Pet Family?
Sigh, yes I hear the comments as you read this ...”Are you totally insane?” questions when I tell you about my new gift, a few months back Bern fell in Love with a sausage dog the colour of chocolate – pre Jinx and Beast days; and they telephoned to advise that a litter had been born and they were keeping Bern’s little chocolate pup for her. I have already named him CONAN and I have to say I am a sucker for punishment and this little monster will be coming to work with me as he will be too tiny to leave alone with Jinx and Little Boy, I cant wait for Bern’s gift for me.
Like I don’t have enough animals who stalk me as it is. I can’t even go to the kitchen from the lounge without them all following me, and swimming is great fun as they watch and bark or meow depending on the species who has decided they need my attention - for me to get out the pool. Oh I do love animals; I think it shows. Well blame my children i must be suffering from the Empty Nest syndrome, or Dementia but I admit I love animals.
So when they do finally put me in the mental home which I am sure my children have pre-booked for me I hope they allow my animals to come with me but if they don’t I am sure I won’t be lonely as I also talk to myself and get the fright of my life when someone answers back. This happened to me when Bern and I first started living together. She was in the veggies section of the supermarket and asked me to go and get the drinks for the evening as we were having friends over. Now I have to confess I am not good at going into bottle stores, I find them quite daunting and I never know what to choose. There I was standing in front of the cooler and looking at the Smirnoff Ice or Hooches or whatever those mixed drinks are called and was becoming quite frustrated with the predicament I had been put in.
Back to my shout out of forbidden words in the bedroom….Bern looked at me in horror as I said and Exclaimed “SHEW Baby that’s a bit harsh isn’t it; you have never called me that to my face! And then she had the bad manners to burst out laughing as I examined my Butt in the mirror expecting to see huge puncture holes that would require surgery and a transplant and an ambulance and the blood was sure to be pouring down my leg and I was trying not to move as I knew this would just make the blood shoot out in torrents - but all I got was a nice bruise and a delighted DOG!
Now Little Beast has obviously been watching him mummy in action and all he can reach is my knees, so I get the “nip hello” on my knees as often as he can amble over to me in his slow motion. Not so nice when I climb out the car and turn to grab my bag when I arrive home from work, for my efforts I get a nip on the butt greeting and nibble on the knees with pin sharp teeth! I swear I will land up on some cold metal table at the morgue and they will not be able to determine the cause of death. The many possible causes of death will be very evident except the one that most probably killed me….. Insanity. Has anyone died from Insanity because we are thinking of getting another addition to our wonderful Pet Family?Sigh, yes I hear the comments as you read this ...”Are you totally insane?” questions when I tell you about my new gift, a few months back Bern fell in Love with a sausage dog the colour of chocolate – pre Jinx and Beast days; and they telephoned to advise that a litter had been born and they were keeping Bern’s little chocolate pup for her. I have already named him CONAN and I have to say I am a sucker for punishment and this little monster will be coming to work with me as he will be too tiny to leave alone with Jinx and Little Boy, I cant wait for Bern’s gift for me.
Like I don’t have enough animals who stalk me as it is. I can’t even go to the kitchen from the lounge without them all following me, and swimming is great fun as they watch and bark or meow depending on the species who has decided they need my attention - for me to get out the pool. Oh I do love animals; I think it shows. Well blame my children i must be suffering from the Empty Nest syndrome, or Dementia but I admit I love animals.
So when they do finally put me in the mental home which I am sure my children have pre-booked for me I hope they allow my animals to come with me but if they don’t I am sure I won’t be lonely as I also talk to myself and get the fright of my life when someone answers back. This happened to me when Bern and I first started living together. She was in the veggies section of the supermarket and asked me to go and get the drinks for the evening as we were having friends over. Now I have to confess I am not good at going into bottle stores, I find them quite daunting and I never know what to choose. There I was standing in front of the cooler and looking at the Smirnoff Ice or Hooches or whatever those mixed drinks are called and was becoming quite frustrated with the predicament I had been put in.
Now Bern had no idea I had this aversion to bottle stores and truth be told I had maybe been in a bottle store maybe 10 times in my life up until then (yes I have overcome that fear with Bern and my girl’s help and support LOL) there I stood looking at these pretty coloured drinks and started talking to the freezer:"Oh common Bern, what am I supposed to buy, I don’t do the bottle store and I don’t know what to Get!"Common Bern what must I buy?” and the fridge answered me. “I am right here Baby - Why you talking to the fridge, are you okay?” I nearly fell into the fridge and my heart was racing and I stumbled around to face Bern and smacked her for giving me such a fright. I then sat down on the fridge front shelf to re-gain my composure freezing my derriere ( must have been in preparation for my Jinx’s attention in years to come!)
I have not learnt my lesson I still talk to myself and am still caught out by my family especially if I am having a grumble about them and they answer me back. I think I am going to put bubble wrap on the soles of their shoes so I can hear them sneak up on me.
As I said the coroner will not know what actually killed me, but I think it’s safe to say it will be a combination of Jinx, Beast and having the living daylights scared out of me. A good example of this is the other night after returning from a dinner with a prospective boss, we pulled under our garage and my heart stopped. There were no curtains in our room. I looked in and all I could see was my dressing table, nothing else. I turned to Bern, my face totally drained of colour, my heart racing and that feeling of absolute terror in my heart.
“We have been broken into” I squeaked. Bern turned to me and saw how terrified I was and said “No Shell, the dogs pulled the curtain down through the window and are no lying on it outside.
I swear it took me at least an hour to calm down, and yes before you ask, I do still want Conan the Chocolate sausage dog to join our family. I mean I have never been very fond of my toes or ankles and I know without a doubt that he will be helping himself to those to fit in and be a part of my crazy lovable furry children. Wish me luck, we fetch him mid March. Hurry up March I want to meet my next tormentor.
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