Famine or Feast

It's Easter time at the Lane's house and surprisingly enough the invite was not cancelled after my conversation with Tracy about blow up beds. I have been on my best behaviour and I have to say that it has not been as hard as I thought it would be ...maybe because I have been ill.

See small mercies do happen, not the being ill part - the being able to behave part because I am not quite 100% and not my usual mischievous self and a little slow on the uptake. However I have bitten my tongue many a time when I could have rocked the house with one of my famous sayings but…. you see Tracy is demur and her husband Derek is the epitome of the Kind Gentleman and I do not want to be responsible for influencing them to the Darker Force….... Hence the oath to behave myself... I would like to be invited back and regardless of my telephone conversation to Tracy when arranging this weekend visit I was determined to show her that contrary to popular belief and the stories my girls have told them, I am actually quite sane. Well I like to think so; and I know there would many of my friends who would disagree….. Look miracles do happen and with a lot of effort even I can be mistaken for being quite same and level headed. I have even been called wise...go figure?

Now I know that if you have been reading any of my blogs you are asking yourself how I have managed to achieve this almost unobtainable goal. The voices in my head have not helped I have to add, but I think that fact that I feel like I have eaten a bloody Hippo whole has certainly calmed me down if not slowed me down. Needless to say my girls are not impressed with this watered down version of their mother. I can promise you – it has not been easy to keep myself in check as the comments fly and there are so many openings for just the right comment or come back but I really; really do not want to tarnish this wonderful genteel family and truth be told, I think I may just be sent to bed if I missbehaved.

We arrived Wednesday night and slept at Sarah and Cait’s flat. Dom; Sarah’s best friend joined us for the night and I have to say it was a giggle party. The journey from Durban to Johannesburg was one of those journeys that should only be allowed in horror movies. You know the type I mean, I kept on expecting the sound effects that warn you there is a “bad” thing going to happen to be playing in the car because we drove through one of the worst storms ever. Now Bern is paying attention to the road and I am squirming in my seat because in her hurry to get out of the rain she has forgotten that I am one of those people who need to stop at every rest room on the road….however I was too damn scared to even mention this urgent need of mine as it was a horrific driver. Add to that the sms asking us how far we were and the visions I had of Giraffes and Hippos swimming past us and a few elephants, it was not an easy journey.

I became increasingly worried that the movie we watched about the end of the world happening “2012” had actually got their dates wrong and there was no chance in hell that my little car would morph itself into this Ark Space ship thingy they used in the movies to survive the flood and the end of the world. Not that I have a problem with my time coming to an end, I would just prefer to do it without a full bladder thank you very much. I do not think the angel and the pearly gates will be too impressed if I rock up there and demand to use the ladies or worse still have a little “accident before I arrive at the pearly Gates and be refused entry because I am not wearing clean underwear!!! I Can Just See my Mom standing on the other side of the pearly gates shaking her head in disappointment…. My mother always told me to make sure I was wearing clean underwear in case I got into an accident. Well mom, if I was ever in an accident, I am sure the first question out of your mouth to the doctor would not have been...”was she wearing clean underwear?” Imagine that conversation

“Well Mrs Adcock, your daughter was in a terrible accident, I am afraid she is on life support, but you will be so proud of her – she was wearing clean underwear! You really brought her up well. – you must be so proud” Come On Mom chances are I would not be wearing any …lol.. Only kidding – hmmmm, I plead the 5th here ...well I digress once again.

We finally arrive at Sarah and Cait’s flat; Mac Donald’s in hand and walk into this tiny flat. They have vacated the bed they share and folded out a futon mattress on the floor for the three of them to share. Chinese Sardines on a futon mattress. Cait has definitely inherited my tendency to find everything hilarious when over tired and she talk the hind leg of a donkey. Non stop jabbering trying to catch me up on everything that has happened since I last saw her which was the 3rd of January this year.

Sarah sits and giggles and adds her two cents worth and gets so frustrated with me when she is telling a story and she gets interrupted and Cait jumps in with a comment and she never gets a chance to finish her story. It’s like watching a ping pong ball game in motion, your head bobbing back and forward as Dom Sarah and Cait regales you with their stories and comments. Cait then suddenly stops talking and within 2 seconds she is fast asleep.

Silence then descends on the house and we all felt the tiny flat heave a sigh of relief – that is until I woke up at 5.00am and accidentally bumped Sarah and the huge sigh that escaped her lungs was heard in the northern hemisphere I am sure. Sarah is not a morning person and most definitely not a 5.00 am person. Cait on the other hand is an- any time of the day person as long as she is awake and you need to make sure that she is actually fully awake – as she will have a full on conversation with you half asleep and not remember a word of it. I have a lot of fun with these times because I can ask anything I want and I will get the absolute truth. He; he; I have ways of finding out the truth…… and as Jeff Dunham (the ventriloquist) would say: I never get caught!


Now the exciting news is that the three girls are moving into their own place in May and of course this is the great event of the century.

Tracy; Dom’s mom is trying to be brave and leaves her little care packages on her bed, on Wednesday it was a toiletry bag and can opener. Ahhhh sweet; little things like that are remembered for a very long time. Dom is so excited about her new place and Tracy is being the supportive mom who so desperately wants to be big about letting her angel spread her wings but not quite wanting to let go of the apron strings. Guess what Tracy, this will never happen, you won’t let go and neither will they. Thank goodness for that or else I would be a half a person if my girls did still not need me. I love the phone calls about “mom my head is sore, or how can I get Cait not have nightmares or mom I need a hug and I miss you!”

Staying with Tracy and Derek has been such a wonderful experience and has also taught me a lot. Mostly about how badly I eat and I am in awe and inspired by their healthy lifestyle…my only consolation is that I really don’t want to live to be ripe old age and they will be around to look after my girls when the time comes. LOL – see there are benefits to eating properly Tracy; you will be a mom to my girls too. Seriously this is something we all worry about as parents, and just after the attack on our family I had to have knee surgery and replacement of the knee and all that horrible stuff that goes with it.

Lying in the hospital they come and ask you the questions before surgery.
Question:” Are you allergic to anything”
Response: “Yes knives and intruders”
Question: “How do you react to anaesthetic?”
Response: “I fall asleep – dumb ass!”
Question: “Do you know the risks of having an operation”
Response:” no, but if you hum a few bars I am sure I can sing it for you – of course I don’t, I did not go to medical school – you did, I hope you know the risks and are prepared for them!”
Nurse: “ok please sign and tick the relevant boxes and add any comments you feel are important.

Well I duly signed the form and made the relevant ticks in the relevant boxes and in the comments section this is what I wrote;
I, Michelle Gravett being of sound mind (no comments please) do hereby declare that this is my last will and testament. Should I not survive the operation I leave my three children Sarah-Jane Osterloh, Mathew Terence and Caitlin Osterloh in the care of the anaesthetist and surgeon (I named them) and nominate them, to be their guardians and custodians.

The nurse then had to witness my signature and that was that. Well the surgeon and anaesthetists were horrified and clearly aware of what they were taking on if I did not get the best care and attention and as I was coming out of the anaesthetic the anaesthetist was sitting by the bed and was very pleased to announce that I had survived and that the children were once again my responsibility.

You should try it some time, you want the best attention and care possible, will your children to your doctor, and he will make sure that you pull through. I was asked to sign off that they were no longer going to be held responsible for my children after the operation was a success. Worked like a charm because 10 years later I am still lucky enough to be here and to be their mom.

However after the amount of food we have managed to consume this weekend, I think my time might be closer than I thought. Oh my goodness has anyone ever exploded from eating too much in one sitting. I look back at my blog about the medical procedure that required medication to clear the colon and I am tempted to sign up for a course of that. Tracy keeps on blaming Bern for the amount of food prepared and Bern pleads the 5th and after dinner we all grown and wobble off to the lounge to sit like Buddha’s and watch the TV. There is enough food left over for another week of Easter and more….. It is most certainly not a famine here; it’s a feast and a feast of note.

I am sure that this 5ft 2 and half inch body of mine is now as round as its is tall, and I know that I will have to be rolled into the car and Tracy will be waving from her front door and in the back of her mind be asking herself what she was thinking agreeing to the Brooks’ Gravett’s Osterloh’s invasion…. I know we can be a handful and Sarah just had to share with Tracy one of my silly moments.

One day a client telephoned to ask for our Cape Town office number and I rattled off the Cape Town Branch Manager’s cell phone number and carried on working. A few minutes later the gentleman rang back and said “Ok now that I Have Voted for Anka please can I have your Cape Town manager’s cell phone number?…. I was laughing so much I was unable to assist him and just handed the phone to Bern and what made it even funnier is when he explained what he needed and why had had to phone back; Bern was unable to help him without joining in with my hysterical laughter…. It was when Idols had first started in South Africa, the second run I think. Anka was my favourite idol at the time; and I had her number on my desk pad so that I could vote for her. Okay, maybe not such a good choice in hind sight, but I was an avid fan at the time.

Tracy I promise the shock wears off and in time you will forget, pretty much like giving birth, one painful experience but in time the joy of the weekend will flood over you and you will feel the urge to invite us to your home of peace, serenity and love once again and I am already looking forward to that. One thing we absolutely have in common is our love of our animals, never have I felt more at home and comfortable.

It’s called FUR-niture for a reason and Oh How I love the fact that the animals are the number one priority and are cuddled and bundled up in their blankets and given place of honour – just my kind of family. Tracy has threatened to check my car when I leave because I have fallen totally in love with Pepper, a dachshund mix and oh those sad sack eyes and lanky body is such a reminder of my Little Beast who we lost. This weekend filled with fun food and fur!!!