My first visit to the Durban beach here when we arrived here was a day of great anticipation and excitement. I am more a tree person with running brooks or water and cool shady spots. I think I am actually a tree urchin disguised as a mom and a wife.
Not a very good tree urchin though as I am scared of heights so maybe I am a hobbit after all who lives on the roots of the trees!
New costume, board shorts, all donned out with sun block, I decided to brave the sea, Cait, myself and Bernadette. I looked like an albino whale, but hey as all tourists I decided to hell with appearances I was going to test the waters.
Like any novice and tourist I was like shark bait in the water. Cait was trying to help my when the waves crashed on me but all she managed to do was get caught up in my fall and swirl and tumble and toss of almost drowning. The waves swept me to Bernadette and poor Bern was almost knocked off her feet by two flying imbeciles and her thanks was a big bruise on her knee for her efforts. This was hysterical and I learnt a very valuable lesson. Not the lesson you would think I needed to learn…. Not to go into the water. No I learnt that I cannot laugh under water and I must learn to keep my mouth closed and wipe the snot off my face when I finally surface. Quite the picture of beauty, hair all dishevelled, body covered in sea sand, snot running down my face, and I am sure we have all experienced the invasion of the sea sand.
How on earth are we supposed to protect ourselves for this invasion of our body part? I suddenly had these very odd shaped breasts, and my board shorts were weighted down with at least 10kgs of sea sand as the pockets had filled up. My costume bottoms were bulky and quite squishy with the sea sand that manages to sneak in. If I was not a sight when I entered the sea I most certainly was a sight now, the albino whale, with a hairstyle that could only be described as belonging in one of the Muppet shows from days gone by, I would have been used to play the role of ANIMAL the cookie monster! The extra bulges and glazed donut look would have been brilliant on a horror movie. Cait on the other hand looked unscathed but a little bustier than when she entered the sea.
Bern was all intact and rescued us from out tumble and insisted on holding my hand after that experience. I of course listened …. Not! - and would escape and try to show her and Cait just how skilled I was at body surfing. All I showed them was that I was an experienced body tumbler and sea sand receptacle.
I am a master at escaping. Years ago after we had been attacked, I was in a wheel chair for quite a few weeks, and we would go shopping and I would patiently follow along as Bernadette and my children loaded the trolley. However this was just too boring for me and when their backs were turned I would use my foot as a lever and push myself backwards out of the isle we were in.
I THOUGHT I was as stealth as James Bond and as quiet as a mouse in church. I would push myself away and would be giggling to myself, so sure I had foxed them. I am not very bright when it comes to subterfuge or war game tactics and never though to look up and see that my actions were on display for everyone to see on the big rounded mirrors they have in the Super Markets and Bernadette and the children were watching my escape with quiet amusement and had looks on their faces that can only be described as “You are so pathetic and cute at the same time!”
They would wait for me to find my hiding spot and then carry on shopping till they came into my isle where I was hiding behind the egg stand or toy stand or whatever I thought would hide my wheel chair with my leg sticking out at least 50cm as it was in a brace on the leg support. Not much of a super spy! Have you also noticed that people are just so unobservant when it comes to wheel chairs, people with crutches and they seem to take perverse pleasure in bumping into you and never apologize?
They also use the parking for the disabled, this really annoys me as the one time I needed the parking for disabled I landed up having to find parking quite a distance from where I wanted to go. I cam up with a plan to devise a sticker which you plaster on the vehicles window which says, Stupidity is Not a Disability and neither in being and inconsiderate a Hole! But all I did was leave nasty notes and told them they needed to check their tyres as I had put a slow puncture in one of them, which of course I did not. But I am sure I had them guessing.
Lets get back to my version of body surfing. The being dumped in the sea was no deterrent and I eventually became quite brave and went out quite deep into the water – it was great fun. However the leaving the sea – not so much. The walk on the hot sea sand can only be described as the hot trot and jiggle dance. One does try to look seductive and fetching in our costumes even when we have the bodies of an old lady and the lumps and bumps that go with it - like Bo Derrick in the Movie 10, or those romantic moves where the ladies run across the beach all gracefully and ever so fetching - No I look like Big Mama plodding like a heifer lump across the beach. So you have this jiggling mass of lard skipping, running (not that I can run since my knee op) and flopping like a fish out of water on the sea sand and finally make your way to the out door showers. You then proceed to do the wash the sand out of the orifices of ones body.
You stand there with your costume pulled away from your body to wash the sand off, and without realizing it you are actually showing the on lookers and life guards what you carefully made sure was not exposed when you came out the sea. Who I have to say are nothing like Bay Watch. You stand at this awkward angle, bottom sticking out towards the crowds, while you push your chest into the water and openly and without shame, you feel your self off in public, you rinse the sea sand off, you rub the sand off your body parts with your hands. You put your head back to avoid the splashing of the water, only to look like you are actually enjoying it as no doubt you have your mouth open to breath as your nostrils are filled with sea sand and human gunk!
When you are finished with that, you turn around and open your board shorts or costume bottom and proceed to do the same thing with your hands and you wash the sand off your lower body. I am surprised no one had been arrested for indecent exposure.
This in not a seductive dance, no this is an attempt to stop the sand from acting like a sand paper agent and thereby removing copious amounts of body skin from areas that are never supposed to exfoliated and I mean never.
One weekend we were doing the shower exposure routine and there was this Daddy who was cleaning the sea sand off his young children who were between 4 and 6. He stripped them and washed them and almost turned them upside down to get the sand out if the private areas. He then rubbed them dry with such force and enthusiasm that they looked like little Rag dolls. The little girl did not like the shower upside down episode and like the rubbing down even more and her revenge was to blow her nose on his shorts. Cait and I nearly collapsed at this entertainment. Dads really lack that gentle touch but girls even at a young age know how to seek revenge. It was great and I could see the shock horror and repulsion of this dads face when he realized he was now a walking hanky chief!
Cait loved the sea and the waves and the rush of that big wave creeping up to you unexpectedly. She would grab my hand and we never communicated whether we were going to dive into the wave or jump up over the wave. So I would go under and she would try to jump and what would happen is the wave would knock us off our feet and we would roll and tumble in the wave and experience the after life almost first hand. We did not need a second lesson after one wave really knocked the air out of us, and I must say I still had not learnt to stop laughing under water. Sea water is really disgusting to swallow.
Then winter arrived and the beach visits became less and less, but I have the photos of our happy times and a few more freckles and wrinkles from our escapades in the sea.
New costume, board shorts, all donned out with sun block, I decided to brave the sea, Cait, myself and Bernadette. I looked like an albino whale, but hey as all tourists I decided to hell with appearances I was going to test the waters.
Like any novice and tourist I was like shark bait in the water. Cait was trying to help my when the waves crashed on me but all she managed to do was get caught up in my fall and swirl and tumble and toss of almost drowning. The waves swept me to Bernadette and poor Bern was almost knocked off her feet by two flying imbeciles and her thanks was a big bruise on her knee for her efforts. This was hysterical and I learnt a very valuable lesson. Not the lesson you would think I needed to learn…. Not to go into the water. No I learnt that I cannot laugh under water and I must learn to keep my mouth closed and wipe the snot off my face when I finally surface. Quite the picture of beauty, hair all dishevelled, body covered in sea sand, snot running down my face, and I am sure we have all experienced the invasion of the sea sand.
How on earth are we supposed to protect ourselves for this invasion of our body part? I suddenly had these very odd shaped breasts, and my board shorts were weighted down with at least 10kgs of sea sand as the pockets had filled up. My costume bottoms were bulky and quite squishy with the sea sand that manages to sneak in. If I was not a sight when I entered the sea I most certainly was a sight now, the albino whale, with a hairstyle that could only be described as belonging in one of the Muppet shows from days gone by, I would have been used to play the role of ANIMAL the cookie monster! The extra bulges and glazed donut look would have been brilliant on a horror movie. Cait on the other hand looked unscathed but a little bustier than when she entered the sea.
Bern was all intact and rescued us from out tumble and insisted on holding my hand after that experience. I of course listened …. Not! - and would escape and try to show her and Cait just how skilled I was at body surfing. All I showed them was that I was an experienced body tumbler and sea sand receptacle.
I am a master at escaping. Years ago after we had been attacked, I was in a wheel chair for quite a few weeks, and we would go shopping and I would patiently follow along as Bernadette and my children loaded the trolley. However this was just too boring for me and when their backs were turned I would use my foot as a lever and push myself backwards out of the isle we were in.
I THOUGHT I was as stealth as James Bond and as quiet as a mouse in church. I would push myself away and would be giggling to myself, so sure I had foxed them. I am not very bright when it comes to subterfuge or war game tactics and never though to look up and see that my actions were on display for everyone to see on the big rounded mirrors they have in the Super Markets and Bernadette and the children were watching my escape with quiet amusement and had looks on their faces that can only be described as “You are so pathetic and cute at the same time!”
They would wait for me to find my hiding spot and then carry on shopping till they came into my isle where I was hiding behind the egg stand or toy stand or whatever I thought would hide my wheel chair with my leg sticking out at least 50cm as it was in a brace on the leg support. Not much of a super spy! Have you also noticed that people are just so unobservant when it comes to wheel chairs, people with crutches and they seem to take perverse pleasure in bumping into you and never apologize?
They also use the parking for the disabled, this really annoys me as the one time I needed the parking for disabled I landed up having to find parking quite a distance from where I wanted to go. I cam up with a plan to devise a sticker which you plaster on the vehicles window which says, Stupidity is Not a Disability and neither in being and inconsiderate a Hole! But all I did was leave nasty notes and told them they needed to check their tyres as I had put a slow puncture in one of them, which of course I did not. But I am sure I had them guessing.
Lets get back to my version of body surfing. The being dumped in the sea was no deterrent and I eventually became quite brave and went out quite deep into the water – it was great fun. However the leaving the sea – not so much. The walk on the hot sea sand can only be described as the hot trot and jiggle dance. One does try to look seductive and fetching in our costumes even when we have the bodies of an old lady and the lumps and bumps that go with it - like Bo Derrick in the Movie 10, or those romantic moves where the ladies run across the beach all gracefully and ever so fetching - No I look like Big Mama plodding like a heifer lump across the beach. So you have this jiggling mass of lard skipping, running (not that I can run since my knee op) and flopping like a fish out of water on the sea sand and finally make your way to the out door showers. You then proceed to do the wash the sand out of the orifices of ones body.
You stand there with your costume pulled away from your body to wash the sand off, and without realizing it you are actually showing the on lookers and life guards what you carefully made sure was not exposed when you came out the sea. Who I have to say are nothing like Bay Watch. You stand at this awkward angle, bottom sticking out towards the crowds, while you push your chest into the water and openly and without shame, you feel your self off in public, you rinse the sea sand off, you rub the sand off your body parts with your hands. You put your head back to avoid the splashing of the water, only to look like you are actually enjoying it as no doubt you have your mouth open to breath as your nostrils are filled with sea sand and human gunk!
When you are finished with that, you turn around and open your board shorts or costume bottom and proceed to do the same thing with your hands and you wash the sand off your lower body. I am surprised no one had been arrested for indecent exposure.
This in not a seductive dance, no this is an attempt to stop the sand from acting like a sand paper agent and thereby removing copious amounts of body skin from areas that are never supposed to exfoliated and I mean never.
One weekend we were doing the shower exposure routine and there was this Daddy who was cleaning the sea sand off his young children who were between 4 and 6. He stripped them and washed them and almost turned them upside down to get the sand out if the private areas. He then rubbed them dry with such force and enthusiasm that they looked like little Rag dolls. The little girl did not like the shower upside down episode and like the rubbing down even more and her revenge was to blow her nose on his shorts. Cait and I nearly collapsed at this entertainment. Dads really lack that gentle touch but girls even at a young age know how to seek revenge. It was great and I could see the shock horror and repulsion of this dads face when he realized he was now a walking hanky chief!
Cait loved the sea and the waves and the rush of that big wave creeping up to you unexpectedly. She would grab my hand and we never communicated whether we were going to dive into the wave or jump up over the wave. So I would go under and she would try to jump and what would happen is the wave would knock us off our feet and we would roll and tumble in the wave and experience the after life almost first hand. We did not need a second lesson after one wave really knocked the air out of us, and I must say I still had not learnt to stop laughing under water. Sea water is really disgusting to swallow.
Then winter arrived and the beach visits became less and less, but I have the photos of our happy times and a few more freckles and wrinkles from our escapades in the sea.
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